AN: A disturbing one-shot to say the least...This comes with many, many warnings; Contains incest (close incest), abuse, and rape. So, don't say I didn't warn you. In this Regulus is the one writing, he describes everything in the way he sees it...Enjoy and any comment would be appreciated. :)
Obsession: The Diary of a Black
It was a lie, what he said. It was always lies that spilled from those beautiful lips. He said he hated me, I know that was a lie. He said he didn't want me, that was an even bigger one. He said that he was leaving, again...that scared me.
I'm not stupid, I know that society doesn't look kindly on this, but I love him. I love him more than I have ever loved anything in this world, including our mother. I was only ten years old when Sirius was sorted into Gryffindor, he came home all puffed up with triumph over the strict rules of our family. I remember mother's screams. I always remember the screams. I went to my room and listened to Sirius' shouts, his insistence that they were just out to destroy him and then a loud crash and that horrible, ringing silence. I hated it.
Every day during the summer it was the same, Sirius had more bruises than I could count but it didn't seem to bother him, he wore them like badges of honour. Pathetic if you ask me. He's always been pathetic, but...
I was always forced to listen to the arguments, the awful sounds of my family shattering like a delicate peice of glass. I tried to stop him once, and he pushed me into a wall. I was thirteen and he was always bigger and stronger looking than me, I hurt my back but it was nothing compared to the dark glitter in his eyes. It was like looking into a mirror but one that distorted the image. His face was so close to mine I could feel his breath on my cheek, he smelt like soap and liquorish, a scent that makes flames race through my body. I think I cried then. I think I cried because his eyes softened and he pulled me into a rare embrace. I love him. I love him deeper and stronger than anything in this world.
The day I discovered that my brother, the strong, confident Gryffindor, wasn't quite as strong and confident as he made out, was the day I lost all control. My father had done something, to this day I'm not sure what he did, but that something shattered Sirius like crystal. I found him in the kitchen huddled by the wall, he was looking at a pile of shattered plates and crockery but there was no emotion in his eyes. It made shivers creep up my spine but I knelt before him. He looked ok, physically he was fine, but he didn't push me away when I hugged him.
All that night he only said a single thing; "She just stood there and watched."
I don't know what he meant by that but I could only assume he was talking about mother. I made sure he went to bed in his pyjama's and not his clothes, he was empty. He just lay there as I pulled his t-shirt over his head. I took a moment to look down at his bare chest, he was broader than me, but we were very similar in every other aspect. It was wrong. What I was feeling was definitely wrong, not even our family would condone the thoughts rushing through my head as Sirius turned to look at me. I remember how he had lifted his arms and pulled me down on top of him, how his breath had tickled my ear. "She just stood there." He whispered and I felt him shaking beneath me. I think, in all the previous years I had known that I loved my brother a little more than was strictly normal. I think I always knew what I was going to do, I just didn't acknowledge it. His lips were softer than I had imagined, he was gentle and I liked it when he parted his lips and let my tongue slide between them. I liked it when he reached out with his own and they touched for the first time. I remember myself growing harder in my jeans, my erection straining against the denim until it was agony. I moaned, I think...or maybe it was him...i'm not sure anymore. I was on fire. It was wrong and disgusting but I was desperate, desperate and horny. Sirius responded with light touches, something in the way he moved beneath me told me this was not the first time he had done something like this. His tongue was much too skilled and when he grabbed my wrist to place my hand on his crotch I knew he had been with other men before. Sirius arched his back and pulled away from my lips. "Regulus..." he breathed and I was lost to him. Lost in the black fire of lust.
I remember the shadows passing across his pale body as he pulled open his jeans, the way his hair fell into his eyes. Eyes that were utterly blank. From then on I knew that whatever it was father had done to him had broken him in some vital way, it had made him almost as mad as our cousin. But I didn't think about that as I finally revealed my brothers erection.
There were no sounds except for our heavy breathing and soft moans. He was hot in my palm, his hip bones too prominent as he thrust into my fingers. I couldn't take my eyes from his writhing body, his hands as they reached up and grasped the headboard, he opened his legs and watched me.
I don't think I really knew what I was doing, I was working on instinct as I took him between my lips, I tasted him with my tongue. Salt and flesh. It was beautiful. All my desires, all my deadly secrets revealed in a moment of utter madness. He thrust desperately, his gasping moans echoing in my head for all eternity.
When he came into my mouth all I could think about was the intense feeling the taste of his cum stirred in my veins, I shivered and swallowed the liquid. Sirius was lying there panting when I looked up, his cheeks flushed and his eyes retaining that darkness. I liked it. I liked it more than I could articulate, so instead I leaned down and kissed him again. I wanted him to taste himself on my tongue, I wanted him to know that we tasted the same. I remember pulling down my own jeans to reveal my now painful erection, I put his hand on it and felt him squeeze me lightly before he wriggled down until his lips were level with my penis. I bent my head to watch as he took it into his mouth with a lusty groan that went straight to my groin. I said his name, I think...but I'm not sure. His tongue felt good against my heated flesh, he was sucking hard, my hips were thrusting helplessly and I could feel myself drawing ever closer. Then he did something that sent me hurtling over the edge, he took me all the way in to his throat. It was intense and he let me control the pace. I think I hurt him and made him uncomfortable but he never said a word about it as I watched my own cock sliding down his throat. I couldn't stop my hips from speeding up, I could feel my orgasm twisting in my gut. My fingers clutched at the blankets beneath me and I came with a strangled cry. My hips twitched as he swallowed everything I gave him. Again, I said his name through the fog and felt him pull away before moving back to the pillows. I collapsed at his side and watched him stare at the ceiling panting heavily. He had a trickle of semen on his chin and I leaned over, sliding my tongue over the spillage. I tasted like him. We were so similar. We have always had so much in common...
I spent the next year trying to make it happen again, he continued to push me away. At night I would dream about him, crying out in my sleep as I came hard down his throat again and again and again. I would wake panting and gasping with a hard on to end all hard on's.
Then, one day, he told me he was leaving.
I wanted him. I want him still. He haunts my dreams, I watch him while I'm awake. At school I find excuses just to 'accidentally' bump into him. At home I lie in bed, my hand wrapped firmly around my cock, stroking and stroking and imagining its his hand. I imagine I'm inside him. I know how it works, even if I've never been with a man. I know where I'm supposed to stick it and in my dreams, in my head I'm there. He's underneath me, for once in my life I'm not the one being bullied and teased and forced to submit to the elder. In my dreams I'm in charge. In my head I'm pressing against the resistance of his arse hole, in my head I'm pushing him into the mattress and listening to his cries. In my head I hear him screaming my name, begging me to let him cum, but I won't. I won't let him. I can't let him because when he does I want him to cum in my mouth again. I want to taste him on my tongue like I did last time, so no. He won't cum until I say it's ok to. I fuck him until he's a desperate writhing mess, his body slicked with sweat like it was when we would both go running in the Orchard of the old family mansion when we were kids, with the hot sun beating down on us and the scent of sweet rotting apples in the air.
I want him. I want to make him mine. I want to break him. I want...
But he said he's leaving and I know suddenly that for once he's not lying. He looks at me then, Sixteen years old and taller than ever with strong shoulders and the face of a prince. Yes, that's what he is, a prince. Prince Black. The Handsome, troubled child of a home pledged to the dark. I don't want him to leave, not ever. I tell him and he simply smiles sadly as he turns and leaves me standing in the hall, I see him enter his bedroom and know that this is my last chance...
I take it.
He's there, bending over his trunk, packing his things away and I pull him away and push him into the wall. I see his eyes widen and that look of fear makes me stir in my trousers, I like that. Fear is good, fear means that I can dominate him for the first time in my life...and perhaps for the last.
"Sirius..." I breathe before kissing him. Tasting his lips, biting them and pulling him down to me by his hair. He stumbles and I push him backwards on the bed. The door is open slightly, I can see it in the corner of my eye, but that's also good. That's like the fear. If someone see's they will know that Sirius is mine.
He's my brother and I know that its wrong but I just couldn't help myself. It was irresistible. He gasped as I began rubbing him through his jeans, I could feel him growing hard beneath my intrepid fingers and I moaned into his mouth. His hands were gripping my shirt but he didn't pull me away, I though he would. I would be easy for him to overpower. But he doesn't so I continue. Soon he's pressing himself against my palm, his fingers are wrapped around my wrist and he's looking up at me with hatred and anger in his eyes but he's still gasping helplessly. I realise then that he can't fight. I realise that he won't. I've won.
He throws his head back and cries out, I can feel him tense and shuddering beneath me and it feels good. He' cumming just from me stroking him through his jeans. I feel powerful and that's good. I want him. I need him. I need to be inside him, to take him and prove to everyone that I'm just as strong as him. I want everyone to know that I can be just like him, I can be in control too. Sirius collapses back, still panting and staring up at the ceiling as he recovers from his orgasm. When he looks at me it's through a haze of unshed tears, his lips part slightly and I know what he's going to say before he says it.
"I hate you."
I can't help but smile. Because I know that's a lie. He can't hate me, we're brothers. I take off his jeans, pulling them down to reveal his damp, flaccid cock. He's big, impressive even when limp. I can already taste him even before I begin to lick him back to hardness, he tastes like me. It's good.
I want him so badly. I need him. I touch myself through my jeans as I clean him and feel him twitching under my tongue. He grabs a handful of my hair but doesn't pull me away, I don't know why he's letting me do it, but I'm ok with it. I moan heavily, undoing my jeans and pushing my hand inside my boxer shorts, it feels nice. I stroke myself while I listen to Sirius breathing heavily above me, his legs dangle off the side of his bed, I straddle them as I lick and tease him. He tastes nice. I speed up my strokes, unable to help the flood of endorphins through my excited body, It takes everything I have just to release my cock because otherwise I'll cum too soon. I don't want that. I won't cum until I'm inside him. I sit up and look down into my brother's face, he's beautiful. He's always been beautiful. I'm too short, too skinny, I want to look like him. "I wish we had been twins." I whisper, my cock twitches and leaks slightly at the thought. Sirius is looking at it with an expressionless face, is that hunger I see in his eyes? The possibility that he wants me too sends thrills through my body, I smile and kiss his lips. He can taste himself on my tongue and he moans into the kiss.
I want him. I need him...Sirius...
It's almost ridiculously easy to pull off his jeans and expose his hole to me, I gaze at my prize hungrily. He doesn't struggle. Again I find that odd, Sirius is a fighter, he should be throwing me off, screaming and shouting at me but he isn't. I smile and pull his cheeks apart, his fingers are gripping the bed sheets tightly. He shaves, another sign that he has done this before. A thought occurs to me, what if he's gay? I'd never seen him have a girlfriend before...it made sense. It also explained why our mother treated him so poorly.
It's all a little too much and I have to touch myself again, it feels good and I stare at his hole while wrapping my fist around my erection and pumping it slowly. "Ohh...Sirius..." I breathe. He twitches and I moan until forcing myself to stop again. Slowly I get him to turn over and I part his cheeks again staring at that wonderful prize, I have seen things in books. Things that would make my mother cry. So I lean forward, eager to taste this secret part of my brother. He tenses and I hear his stuttered gasp, I push my tongue inside the tight ring of muscle and groan. He tastes good.
I use my tongue to pleasure him for a little while, loving every moan, loving the way he presses himself back against my face and hisses my name. Even as I realise he's crying I don't care. It's good. I like it.
I want him. I need him...now...
I pull away and wipe my hand across my chin before pushing a finger inside him, he's well lubricated from my saliva but he tenses and gasps as if in pain. That's probably a lie too, he's trying to make me feel guilty and stop. It won't work. I want this and I'm going to cum inside him, I'm going to hear him beg and scream. I push in another finger, stretching him and listening to the amazing noises he's making, he says my name and it's like fire in my groin. I moan helplessly as he says it again. Is he saying something else? I'm not sure, I don't care. It's too much, I ache and I can't hold back any longer. Its easy to slide into him, its soft and wet and hot. Its so intense I have to stop pushing with a gasp. I can feel him trembling beneath me, panting heavily...but oh its so good...Its amazing...better than everything I had ever imagined. Sirius...
I push further inside, he tenses around me so I have to wait for him to relax. When he does I continue until I'm fully seated. He's hot. He's tight. And I realise I'm panting. Sweat is sticking my hair to my forehead and I'm trembling with the effort of holding myself still. Then I can't take it anymore, I move. My hips pull backwards, I watch as my erection pulls out of his body. Its amazing, better than being in his mouth. I smile as I push back in again. I begin to set a rhythm slowly pulling out and pushing back in again. I can feel him beneath me, his body slick with sweat and his muscles shaking as I fuck him. I want to cum. I need to. His moans fill the air and I speed up, allowing my body to take over, Sirius is pushing back against me. I grasp his hips tightly, my fingers making marks on his flesh and I pound into him as the sounds of our skin sliding and slapping fills the room. Its good. Its fucking fantastic. I moan, he begins to tense around me and its amazing but I reach around and form a very tight ring with my fingers, preventing him from cumming. He twitches, gasps and cries out. I feel him jerk beneath me as pleasure turns to pain. I can't help but speed up my thrusts; "Oh yeah...Oh Sirius...yes...yes...fucking...that's amazing..." Odd words escape my lips and I look down to watch my cock sliding out of him, is that blood? I ignore it. I continue to move. Unable to stop. "Sirius...Sirius...Si-ri...usssss..." And I can feel it, building and building and I know with a certainty that it will be the most intense orgasm I have ever had. I double over as it hits me. I can hardly breath as I pump hot liquid deep inside him. He moans, I can feel him bucking against me, and yes, he's pleading for more. Begging me. "Yes...Yes Siri...That's it...take it..." I utter a soft sigh and finally release him. He collapses back onto the bed and I roll him over, his face is pale, his cheeks pink with exertion and...tears? It doesn't matter. I want to hear him screaming for me. "Sirius?" I whisper as I begin stroking his cock. He arches his back and moans.
"Do you want to cum?" I ask softly, flicking my tongue over the head of his cock and feeling it twitch. A dribble of pre-cum slides down my knuckles and I gently push my fingers inside his abused hole. He's wet and as I feel my own semen dribbling out of my brother I feel myself harden again. I can't help but moan. "Tell me, do you want to cum in my mouth?"
Sirius looks down at me, his hair plastered to his forehead in sweat and he swallows. "Y-Yes..." He breaths, unable to help himself. He's beyond any coherent thought.
"Say my name again." I open him up and watch him spread his legs with a shiver. "Say it and I'll make you cum."
"R-Regulus...Please..." He chokes on my name but I like that so I smile.
"Good boy." I take him deep into my mouth again, I groan because he tastes good. He tastes like me. He looks like me. I wish we had been born twins...I wish we had been born equals. But for now I will take whatever I can get. My fingers move, I love feeling my own semen dripping down my wrist as I push my hand deeper. My own hips imitate the thrusting movements as I suck on his cock, my tongue sliding over the flesh. Sirius moans my name, I can feel his hands in my hair as he begins fucking my mouth. Its nice. I like it. While I work him around in my mouth I reach down and begin tossing myself off gently, I thrust into my palm and feel his erection twitching. He's about to cum. I moan and take him as deep as I can, pushing my fingers deeper and finding a spot that makes a loud cry escape his lips. He ejaculates with such ferocity I can't hold it all in my mouth I feel a second orgasm take me and cum all over the bed sheets. I swallow what I can of Sirius' semen before pulling away, holding the rest in my mouth and crawling over his exhausted body. I pull him to my lips and push his own semen into his mouth, he jerks but he can't escape the grip I have on his hair and he has no choice but swallow it. I pull away and smile but he doesn't.
I remember frowning. I remember seeing him lying there and seeing nothing but hatred in his eyes, and I realise what I have done. I realise what has happened...
That day he walked away from me forever. From that moment on we never spoke again, not even through letters, but Merlin knows I tried. I never saw him again, apart from at a distance but I will never be sure he even realised it was me behind the mask that fired that shield, it saved his life but he never looked at me.
I regret it all. If he reads this then he should know that I'm no longer alive, I'm writing this as my last ever entry. The tragic story of the day I raped my own brother...the day I destroyed any chance of having any kind of relationship with him...the day I refused to hear the pleas in his voice...He never begged for anything except to ask me to stop. The reason he never fought me was because our father had broken his ribs and he hadn't had time to heal them, he never fought because he didn't want to hurt me or himself. I only heard what I wanted to hear, I never saw the tears and anger until it was too late...
Sirius, if you're reading this know that I regret many things, I regret taking this vile mark, I regret wearing that hideous mask but I only did it to protect them. Mother was never the same after you left, did you know that? Father never mentioned you again but mother cried for days, and then she was silent for longer. You destroyed us, Sirius...and in revenge I destroyed you...
I hope you know that I will never stop loving you, Brother.