Revenge of the Readhead
"You should have seen her face!" said James, still clutching his sides.
"Priceless!" echoed Sirius, wheezing and trying to calm himself.
"It was NOT funny!" shouted Lily. "I'm pregnant, you can't dress up as clowns and scare me like that!"
Her words set off another round of laughter, and she huffed. She couldn't help it, she was scared stiff of clowns for some reason, and her prat of a husband and his best friend had to dress up like clowns and scare the hell out of her!
To make matters worse, the other two Marauders were shortling as well, instead of siding with her.
"Fine!" she said, pouting angrily, "you'll regret it, Potter, when your baby comes out deformed and stunted because you frightened me like this!"
This only served to set off another round of laughter, and Moony and Wormtail joined in heartily this time.
Throwing her hands up in the air, and screaming in frustration, she walked into the kitchen to check on the food, muttering about poisoning them all, which made them laugh all the harder.
Twenty minutes later, however, the situation was turned on its head.
Lily came rushing out of the kitchen, her face red, eyes wild. "James!" she yelled, "My water broke! I'm having the baby!"
James smirked, about to say that her retaliation prank was terrible, until he noticed the wet patch on her skirt.
"You're having the baby?!" he yelled suddenly, feeling like he'd been clubbed over the head by a troll.
"YES, YOU PRAT!" screamed Lily, "GET READY!"
"W-what?! But it's too early!"
"SHIT HAPPENS, POTTER! NOW GET TO IT!"
Her old Head Girl voice was enough to send James into a minor coma, and Remus, the ever calm and cool one, took over.
"Now, now, Lily, try and keep calm," he said in a soothing voice, "let's get you upstairs, since you're delivering at home!"
"UPSTAIRS!" screeched Lily. "MY BABY'S COMING, AND YOU WANT ME TO GO UP A FLIGHT OF STAIRS?! WHAT IF THE BABY FALLS OUT WHEN I'M CLIMBING THE STAIRS?! HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF MY BABY FELL DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS AND DIED JUST WHEN IT WAS BORN?!"
Remus paled drastically, not even thinking that that could never happen – these were girl matters, after all.
"DO SOMETHING, YOU NO GOOD IDIOT!" screamed Lily, and he panicked, running blindly towards the door. Only to run head on into the frame in his blind panic, and collapse immediately, unconscious.
Lily's lips twitched upwards for the slightest of seconds, before she turned on James. "JAMES! PLEASE DO SOMETHING! GO UP THE STAIRS AND GET THE BAG! I'LL DELIVER ON THE TABLE!"
James processed this for a moment, before turning violently green.
"WELL?!" screamed Lily, in apparent pain, "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, THE BABY TO POP OUT AND SAY HI?! GO, GO, GO, GO!"
"GO!" echoed James, his brain grasping only the last few commands. He repeated, "Go!" before his eyes widened and the full enormity of the situation hit him.
"THE BABY!" he yelled, "I'M HAVING THE BABY!"
"NOT YOU, YOU IDIOT! THE BABY'S COMING OUT MY VAGINA!"
James paled further at the V-word, and nodded his head sharply, before turning and running up the stairs. Not noticing his step, he placed his foot on the little red ball that had served as his clown nose before being lazily thrown on the floor, and he slipped badly, hitting his head on the lowest step.
Ah, the irony. He was out in seconds.
Wormtail, who'd heard the entire commotion from the bathroom, came running out, a wad of toiled paper still trailing behind him, stuck to his jeans. Not noticing Remus' prone form near the door, he tripped, flailing wildly, before his hand hit the Floo Pot, sending powder everywhere, even as his own head hit the side of the coffee table, knocking him out.
It was like clockwork in its precision – three down, one left to go.
Sirius Black stood in the middle of the room, suddenly pale as a sheet.
He turned his head to look at Lily, opening her mouth to scream at him, no doubt.
He turned sideways, to where his three best friends lay, completely dead to the world.
He turned again, to Lily. With the Floo useless, and the wards preventing him from disapparating, he couldn't call the Healer.
His eyes widened to the size of galleons. Which meant...he'd have to do it.
He turned his head. His three friends lay unconscious, and in the moment of panic, everyone had forgotten their wands – such was human nature.
He turned his head again. Lily, her breast heaving, clutching her stomach, looking at him with shining eyes and screaming something incoherent – something his brain just wasn't processing.
Turn. Unconscious friends.
Turn. Delivering a baby.
Delivering a baby, with all the blood...and other fluids.
Seeing Lily's vagi...girl parts.
His mind was already made up. Lily would understand, after she hurt him badly.
Turning away from her, he ran full tilt at the wall, colliding spectacularly with it and falling down to the ground in a boneless heap immediately.
The room was entirely silent, what with four of its inhabitants unconscious. Lily straightened, and grinned wickedly, before turning and going back to the kitchen to check on the spaghetti, vanishing the wet spot she'd charmed with a flick of her wands.
"We got them good, didn't we, little baby?" she cooed to her stomach, before adding, "and don't you come out early, because Mommy needs to train up Daddy some more, doesn't she?"
She chuckled, making a note to get the camera and take some good photos.
Maybe the Marauders would finally accept that they were no match for redheaded women after all.
Author's Note: Well, this is a collection of odds and ends I think up or have lying around. Suggestions are always welcome, and even though this is marked complete, I'll update it randomly. I think I'll range from Marauders, Harry, as well as next-gen too. Cheers, and review!