Once again I should be working on something else…
Edit- Going from writing in one point of veiw to another. Blah. Stupid mistake that would have easily been avoided if I had actually read over this. Or, even better, payed attention to what I was writing in the first place.
He was violent, selfish, and childish. He was perfectly happy to sit back and watch his creations wreak havoc on the land I hold dear. It was all a game to him. He was a horrible person who had come in order to conquer, but the trait I hate most of all was how volatile he was. One moment he would be the enemy the next he would be betraying his people, his god, in order to save me. He would beg me to love him and then order me to. He would love me then he would hate me.
No, he could never hate me, that's not right. He would grow frustrated, disheartened, even angry, but he never would give up. He was as determined and stubborn as I, but my focus was not on finding love, I was too worried about saving my people from him. Not to mention the fact that I thought I already had.
He was erratic and violent. I'm convinced that he was used to getting what he wants, perhaps not because he's spoiled but because when he wants something he wont stop until it's in his grasp. He's unstable but unstoppable, a force to be reckoned with, but so was I.
The only person more stubborn than him may be myself, the only person more determined to get their people out alive, certainly, was me but that was only because he had his eye on another prize.
He was flawed in so many ways while Masaya was flawless. The choice a thirteen-year-old girl would make should be obvious. When it comes down to the prince or the enemy, the thing of dreams or the thing of nightmares, Masaya would always win.
So why is it that now, once years have passed, my people are safe, and I have everything I could desire, happiness, friends, family, a prince, that I continue to long for the creature that stars in all of my nightmares? The boy who I watch sacrifice himself over and over again every night?
He's long gone, somewhere far away, one of those little sparkling dots in the sky, there's no chance for me to speak to him let alone see him. So why do I continue to hope he will return? Perhaps we share more characteristics than simply being stubborn; maybe I'm a little unstable too.
But whenever I'm awakened late at night by the images of thick crimson staining papery white skin and wide golden eyes staring up at me I find myself hoping. Masaya's arms no longer provide any safety from the dreams but perhaps his would. Perhaps I no longer need perfection but someone as broken as myself.
But Masaya is gone now, it's for the best and we both know it. I only continue to hold him back and we also know his true love is this planet and his purpose here is to protect it. He was the one created to love and protect earth, not the one created to love and protect me.
I want Kish to return for me. At the same time I hope he doesn't return; I hope he's finally found the love he deserves and is being treated properly. I hope his people are safe and that maybe he's tucked away with a girl who can keep his nightmares at bay. But, like him, I'm selfish. I can't help but wonder if thousands of miles from here there's a golden-eyed boy sitting up well into the morning, still thinking of the girl he died for so many years ago.
I would like to think that he can at least look back on his actions without regret.
It's not very likely. I was cruel to him, even more vicious than necessary, and he betrayed his dying race to save me. He was prepared to lay down his life for me. He was going to kill his god before he could kill me. How could he not regret that?
I wonder what he looks like now. If he's grown taller, his face stronger like Pai's, if he's finally gotten some meat on him. I wonder if his hair would be longer, his voice deeper, I would hope that smirk would be the same though.
The one thing that I used to hate the most is the thing I now long to see.
I'm crying again but Masaya is not here so I do not have to quiet myself. I'm free to curl around myself in sheets that still smell of my old lover and sob until I have no voice or tears left and I'm doing just that when the floorboard creaks.
"Ichigo?" His voice calms the part of me that's telling me to grab my pendent, to protect myself. Perhaps I have finally gone off the deep end. I'm hearing his voice, not in my sleep but in real life. "Ichigo?" His voice is deeper and tinted with worry. Of course he would be worried if he ever saw what a mess I've become.
I let out another sob, a noise like a dying animal, foreign and disturbing even to my own ears simply because I have kept them locked away for so long. My eyes screw shut but the tears still slide down my cheeks, hot against my skin. I want to just stay here forever.
"Ichigo…" The covers are slowly pulled back and I grab for them blindly, my vision that is usually perfect in the night foiled by my tears. But instead of closing around fabric my fingers find skin, warm and soft against my own. I cling to his wrist, licking away the salt from my lips and wiping at my eyes. A clawed thumb helps me just like it had all of those years ago. "What's wrong…? Did… did he leave you?" I can't tell what's behind his words, anger or perhaps hope, years ago I would be surprised by neither.
When I open my eyes this time I can clearly see him, golden eyes glowing in the dark and skin shining white in the moonlight. I let out another cry because he's simply too beautiful to be real, too good to be true.
His brows furrow and he moves to pull away, slipping from my grasp. I'm too horrified to move. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come." He murmurs.
"No!" My voice is hoarse but I ignore it, scrambling to my knees. He's so much taller, even more so than I had ever imagined. He may be even taller than Pai. But that doesn't matter now. I pull him close, pressing my face into his chest, wrapping my arms around his waist that is no longer thinner than my own, and curling my fingers in his shirt. "Don't leave me again…"
He's silent for a moment but then a clawed hand is raking gently through my hair, pulling me back just enough to allow him to duck down and press a kiss to my forehead with chapped lips. "I won't."