Max had had a year filled with excitement and enjoyment with his new bride, the lovely 99. They had spent many wonderful evenings together cuddling on the couch or sneaking up to the bedroom, just to share one another, and meld their lives into an inseparable bond of love. Of course, there was one person that had been left out of the mix.
After a year and one day exactly from their wedding day, Max picked up the phone only to hear screaming on the other end. "What in the world are you doing?" exclaimed the voice, followed by some profanities.
"Excuse me I-"
"After everything I went through to put your sorry, bloody bum into the relationship of a lifetime, you go and screw things up by chasing after another woman?!"
"Now, wait a minute, buddy, you don't know the half—"
"And all because 99 is pregnant? I know that women get fat and ugly after getting that way—"
"Hey, that's my wife"
"-but honestly, how can such a lovely woman as 99 seem ugly to you? Not to mention, I didn't even hear that she was pregnant from my supposed best friend and colleague? I had to learn from a double agent!"
"Excuse, me, but is this Hymie?" Max dared to guess.
"Bloody rags! No, it's not some mechanical robot! I have feelings!"
"So does Hymie," Max replied unphased.
"What? Well-still the answer is the same. It's me! Double O seven."
"Oh, it's you Jim…sorry about not telling you about 99."
"Well, sorry don't cut the cheese, mate," Bond replied in a rather miffed, childish tone.
Frustrated with the accusations, Max grunted and explained, "The chief told me you had been put on a dangerous assignment after the engagement and he never got back to me. I figured you had moved on with your life."
Bond snapped, "So that's what you think of our friendship?"
"No of course—"
"Just a friend you can pick up and use whenever you please and then throw away when you're done?"
"I never said-ugh, for the love of Pete!" Max grumbled.
Bond exclaimed and hollered for a while, explaining how every assignment is dangerous and how Max should've been more considerate about keeping in touch. However, Max simply nodded and distracted himself with some paper work that he had to fill out for the assignment he was currently on. He chimed in a "I'm so very sorry, Jim," every once in a while as he filled in the necessary blanks. It seemed to come easily, since he did it once in a while when 99 was upset over the phone.
After a time, however, Max interrupted and stated blandly, "Are you quite finished?"
In a haughty tone, Bond let out some short breaths and replied, "Yeah. I think that covers it."
"Good, because, I'm terribly sorry but I'm on assignment."
"Assignment? And you're cheating and you've got a pregnant wife at home? "
"Cheating? I'm not cheating," he stated firmly.
"Oh…sure looks like it, love."
"She's part of the assignment. It's the black widow and I'm the chief's best agent."
"Oh…also, one of the most unavailable. How lovely of the Chief to use you," Bond responded sarcastically.
"Yeah," Max agreed. "99 ended up alone on our anniversary and I had to propose to that awful woman."
"Ooo…that's going to be tough to live down, mate."
"You're telling me. You should have been on the couch last night!"
"Well," 007 hesitantly replied, "I'm not on assignment right now…or on any hot dates. The second part is kind of depressing…anyway, don't want to bore you with my dating life. Ha ha ha."
As he continued, Max fiddled with his paper work again and dully replied, "Uh-huh. I'm listening."
"Well, maybe, perhaps, I could help in some way?"
Max finally looked up from his paper work and thought hard for a long time.
After a minute, 007 answered, "I can't can I?"
"Actually, to be honest, I was trying to figure out what you just said."