Hey! Don't have much time, but here's my new Guide. The one for the Decepticons isn't finished, but most of the guidelines from here may be integrated and the ones from there will be put in here.

Largely inspired by StoleTheSpider's Rules for Not Getting Squished.

IDEAS ARE VERY MUCH WELCOME. In fact I need them, I can't do this ALL by myself.

All guidelines will be in BOLD, but Tristyn's will be underlined as well, and Casey's will also be italicized.

Have fun and submit your ideas! :D


1. Don't bring anyone but yourself to family gatherings. Gramma's house isn't a warzone.

(Hey guys, Tristyn Foley here.)

(You may remember me from the short but hopefully update-able "Complete Guide to Surviving Life with Megatron and the Decepticons".)

(Well, I have a cousin.)

(Her name is Casey Burton.)

(Plain name, I think, but blame my aunt and uncle.)

(Anyway, she's on the Autobots' side of the war.)

(She's technically supposed to be my enemy, but we get along just fine as long as nobody starts a conversation about their metallic buddies.)

(That's why we're writing this guide together, for people on either side of the war.)

(And we're making it shorter because too much reading hurts our brains.)

(My first rule is that Cybertronians, even their holoforms, should have their own celebrations, and shouldn't attend ours.)

(Thanksgiving should be a time for reflection, gratitude, and loosening the belt on your jeans.)

(Not for dodging unfriendly fire.)

(We both made a mistake: Casey decided to bring her pal Ironhide to Thanksgiving, and I forced - err, persuaded - Barricade to come along.)

(Unfortunately, since we are cousins, our holidays are at the same house, and once the two Cybertronians caught a whiff of each other's spark signatures...)

(Well, Mom and Aunt Kris told me and Casey to bring our friends' presents to THEM on Christmas instead of bringing them to Gramma's house.)

(They didn't want to risk the tree going up in flames.)

(After what happened at Thanksgiving, I can't say I blame them.)

2. Ask Ratchet for a medical quiz at your own risk.

(I don't understand what the big deal was.)

(I had a final in science, and we were on that dumb chapter about the immune system.)

(And, unfortunately, the diseases that could attack said immune system.)

(Bumblebee was giving the Chevy twins another smackdown out in the hangar; for what, I don't know, but I don't question someone beating some sense into them.)

(I wasn't allowed in Optimus's or Prowl's office because they had important paperwork.)

(Important my right aft-cheek.)

(So, I went to Med Bay for a little peace and quiet, and with Ratchet's say-so I got to studying.)

(I asked him to help me with my flash cards; the ones with the disease written on the front and the symptoms and transmission methods on the back.)

(He'd hold up a card with the name of the disease, and ask me for either symptoms or transmission.)

(Before we even got done, he was horrified at all the different things these diseases could do to you and how they could be spread.)

(He overreacted a little, to say the least.)

(Now I have to explain the F that I got on that test.)

(Oh, and every time someone gets a paper cut, Ratchet springs into action, wrapping it up with a laughable amount of gauze.)

(If that wasn't bad enough, once he's done he lectures us about how we need to be more careful, because he doesn't want an AIDS epidemic on his hands.)

(Next time I'm going to study at the library.)

3. As hungry as you may be and as crunchy as he looks, Starscream is NOT the legendary Giant Dorito. And he's not delicious, either.

(College finals really took a lot out of me and Casey this year.)

(I don't know about her, but my biggest hurdle was my chemistry final.)

(I didn't eat or drink anything except coffee to keep me awake from the time I started, seven P.M., to two A.M., while I was cramming for it.)

(I woke up the next day, took my test without my usual flair, then came back home, where I promptly collapsed on my berth and fell into a dead sleep.)

(I woke up at three in the morning, and I was hungry.)

(I must have mistaken Starscream's room for the kitchen.)

(I didn't mean it, but it was dark in there, my stomach was yelling at me, and for Primus's sake he's the physical version of the Bermuda Triangle.)

(I just thought they came out with a new flavor, though I never stopped to consider the fact that gray food is either spoiled or tastes disgusting.)

(The rest of the base was woken up by Starscream glitching and me shouting, "Let me eat you, you're yummy!")

(You never want to be faced with the entire Decepticon army who have just been deprived of recharge because of you.)

(I spent another night locked in the bathroom, sleeping in the tub.)

4. Internet searches involving the words "Charlie" and "Sheen" together in any order will only result in an error from now on.

(I was just watching a hilarious video about Charlie Sheen after he'd gone off the deep end.)

(YouTube, you pulled through for me.)

(Except... Skids and Mudflap decided to join me in watching it.)

(As if they weren't obnoxious enough.)

(Now they regularly parade around the base, bumping chestplates and claiming to be "rock stars from Cybertron, yo!" and that they were "winning".)

(As a precaution, the military's computers will no longer allow you to search Charlie Sheen or Sheen Charlie on any website.)

(Ratchet's stopped trying to tell them there's no such thing as "tiger energon".)

5. What Starscream doesn't know won't hurt him. But it sure as slag will hurt you.

(It was all Starscream's fault for being born looking like a Dorito.)

(HE was the one who got me chased again, because if he didn't look like THAT, I wouldn't have confused him for a delicious and not-so-nutritious snack.)

(Needless to say, I had to get revenge on him, I'm just that kind of person.)

(So, uh, did you know he sucks his thumb?)

(It must have started when he was a sparkling and he never grew out of it.)

(I guess he needed a nice nap after shooting the Pit out of some unsuspecting humans, because I found him on the couch in the Rec Room of Death, knocked out.)

(I had my cell phone with me, and I just upgraded to a new camera phone.)

(I sent the link to all of the Decepticons, even Megatron.)

(Soundwave was apparently so amused by it, he hacked an internet satellite and sent it to the Autobots' base.)

(Starscream, however... was not so amused.)

(You'd think by now he would learn to take a joke, but he sentenced me to target duty.)

(It sounded harmless; changing the targets every time he blew one to pieces.)

(Nope.)

(I was the target.)

(I've washed my hair like twenty times and the smell of scorched follicles still haunts me.)

(Oh, and I need to buy more burn cream.)


Thanks for reading, guys! Leave feedback and submit your ideas with that neat little form at the bottom. ^^