What Happens when an Impressionable Uchiha Girl Learn about the True Evil of the Tax Code and Crooked Accounting?
by Pat Squared
A/N: This is a one-shoot Gift-fic based upon Laryna6's Uchibi Sasuke ( [slash] s [slash] 8222842 [slash] 1 [slash] Uchibi-Sasuke [remove the spaces and insert punctuation where indicated]) and written with the original author's permission and encouragement. As someone with an accounting degree and a background in finance, I have learned that if you are truly evil and want to make your foes suffer, join the bar (legal bar, not the hole in the wall that serves alcohol) or work in banking and finance. The beauty of some of these tactics (stealing without technically stealing) and the money would stun you.
When the United States set up its OSS and later CIA, they recruited lawyers. When the United Kingdom set up MI5 and MI6, they recruited bankers. Both professions set the standard for the most evil professions in the Universe. As an aspiring accountant trying to earn his certified public accountant [CPA – Similar to a Chartered Accountants in the United Kingdom] credential, I must admit that accountants are the Diet Coke of Evil compared to bankers and lawyers.
This tale and Laryna6's Uchibi Sasuke are set in the alternate universe where Itachi spared the lives of the kids during the Uchiha Clan Massacre.
10:30 a.m., Nichi-Youbi [Sunday]
Kakashi's House, Konoha
"I already donated to the Widows and Orphans' Fund yesterday," replied Kakashi.
The little girl in a cute yellow, most-un-Uchiha yellow sundress smiled a most un-Uchiha smile as she bowed in a most Uchiha manner to the copy-nin. If it was not for the eyes and the war fan brouche, one could imagine a little cherub angel like the ones on those annoying greeting cards. However, this angelic appearing creature on his doorstep was obviously one of the protégés of his genin and so must be treated like a primed demolition seal overloaded with chakra.
The cherub spoke, "We, the orphans of Konoha, wish to thank you for your earlier donation. However, we are also collecting for the Church of Orange, the Konoha Volunteer Fire Department, the Youth Reserve, as well as the Salvation Army."
"The Salvation Army...", he asked not really wanting to know the answer.
"You donate and they will save you from having those embarrassing, photographic moments where you find yourself attracted to male Akemchi wearing tight speedos."
Kakashi pondered. This one knew how to place an image in her opponent's head that required a hour or three of Icha-Icha or a visit with a skill Yamanaka mind-wiper to cure. Well, no good ever came from saying no outright to the Uchibis. Not even the Third Hokage would risk riling up that hornet's nest. It is easier to pay a few ryo and give a handful of sweets before sending them off to bug the neighbors. Stonewalling these kids and their minions is simply too troublesome.
Normally, he would just toss a trinket amount of candy, a few coins, and go back to Icha-Icha, but Obito's sharingan eye itched and every time it itched there would be a great opportunity or significant trouble on the horizon. And it was itching like he was getting a bad case of the shingles.
Kakashi started calculating the odds.
Between Obito's sharingan eye implanted in his head and having developed a strong resistance to genjitsu, the one eyed ninja had a strong resistance to implanted commands. Unless they were as strong as Itachi, he should be immune to the eyes of any fan-wearing brat for many more years. As for pranks, having to deal with Naruto made him ready to deal with this bunch of little demon-spawn. Except if they pull the harem no jutsu and it was so good that he did not care because the sight of those girls was so worth the incapacitating nosebleed. If they tried to play the eye, he could play the eye back and raise them a mouse and a rusty spoon. He could show the Uchiha Clan that he knew more about the capabilities of the sharingan then most Uchihas, even back when the adults were alive.
However, there was no need to fight fire with fire. Deciding to give a few ryo and a handful of chocolates, he reached towards the candy bowl before he suddenly remembered one of the charities the girl mentioned. Maybe…
"What about the Youth Reserve..." the jonin asked.
"Oh," the little devil in yellow sundress asked surprised.
"It was just a line, but how did he manage to pick up on that lie" Maiko thought.
Maiko was the best at lying but she started panicking. She blurted out the first lie that came to mind.
"We want to build a park reserve outside Konoha's walls where the two green beasts can celebrate Youth without blinding the rest of us."
Kakashi smiled. It was the opportunity of a lifetime. A day without the chants of youth and the Sunset no jitsu. Here was a charity he did not mind donating to.
"Hold here, I got something for the cause."
The silver-haired ninja ran into the house, disarmed several dozen lethal traps, opens his safe, reached back behind his jitsu scrolls, and then finally dipped into his Icha-Icha funds.
He paused. Icha-Icha has to wait. If he went blind from the unnatural revels of the two green things…Even the gallant Jaraiya-senin would understand and maybe even toss in a couple ryo for such a great cause.
Having made the decision, he split the money into three bags, two small and one as big as the pint-sized collector waiting at his door stoop.
"The smaller bags are for the Fire Department and the Salvation Army. The large one...I don't care what it costs, just build that youth preserve as fast as possible. Do you need another collector for donations?"
Maiko Uchiha could not believe her eyes.
The green breast nature preserve was just an idea off the top of her head…a lie. However, looking at the amount of money at her feet…
To think that collecting extra donations for the next couple weeks was her punishment assignment for openly doubting Naruto-niichan's new tax-management strategy and funding of charities. How could giving away money make money she thought.
Maiko was now a believer…no not just any run of the mill believer who regularly attends Sunday service, but a dipped in the blood, reborn believer in the creative legal mind of the great Orange Buddha.
This was better than burning your foes. They are burnt once and die or at least stop being fun until they get out of that body cast, then you got to get around those annoying restraining orders. However, if you do it right, you can figuratively burn them over and over again. If you really do it right, they will actually think that you are their friend as you skim administrative fees from the donations.
If you asked an Uchiha a couple generations ago of what they thought of accountants and tax lawyers…your answer was that they were wimps because they spent too much time playing with their prey before killing them.
However, today she learned a lesson. The only reason that the old Uchiha clan hated accountants and tax lawyers in the past were that these were the two professions that made the most cynical Uchiha clan member look like virginal, unmolested choir boys before their first visit to the conductor's private office. The clan could copy very well, but to be exposed to such creativity made them mad for such could not be copied. Besides, the thought of percentages made many clan heads queasy.
If Naruto-niichan and Hinata-neechan weren't…
Maiko looked down at her smooth chest and thought about the boys in her class. Naruto-nichan has to have some kind of bloodline and…
Maiko for the first time in her life did not rely on copying and parroting the answers she was given.
Maiko ignored generations of Uchiha breeding and started to use a part of her mind that Uchiha's instinctively feared because it was the one part that could not be learned or mastered via sharingan. She looked at the angles. Naruto was the last Uzumaki and therefore can have more than one wife. Maiko, age ten, then made the biggest decision of her life – the selection of a mate.
Due to genetics, the Uchiha traditionally had more girls than boys and therefore every generation a number of girls had to obtain a spouse from outside the clan. While the main line breed a little close for comfort, her line was a little more 'diversified.' Maiko's paternal grandfather was once a Yamanaka and a first-cousin-two-generations-removed to the current clan head. Her great-grandmother on the maternal side was the nine month souvenir between a randy Uchiha interrogator and a handsome, but lazy Nara captive two years before the treaty with the Senju that prohibited the Uchiha from kidnapping husbands from other Konoha ninja clans. Her mother's father was unknown as she was the souvenir of an infiltration mission in Iwa.
Under the old scheme, her line was looked upon as not quite Uchiha. In fact, they were looked upon by suspicion since her line provided the bulk of the undercover officers for the police force and long-term deep cover jitsu-theft missions.
Although the sharingan was a still dominate trait for all members of the clan, Maiko was always a little different from all the other Uchibis. They loved to hear their prey scream and roll on the earth vainly attempt to put out the flames. However, it was too crude for her. She loved devious plans that made the enemy turn on one another in frustration and self-destruct before she swoops in for the kill.
If they were rabid squirrels biting random targets, she was a cat who plays with her prey.
Also due to the fear of inbreeding (no way the Uchiha were going let themselves be messed up as the Hyuga by keeping it 'in the family'), Sasuke-sama already decreed that for the next couple generations everyone would eventually have to marry outside the family to ensure sufficient genetic diversity. Maiko thought about her classmates, but none of them showed a fraction of the promise that Naruto-nichan show when planning great acts of mischief, if not evil.
I…I vow that He will be mine…mine…mine. But Hinata-neechan…she kisses our boo-boos and gives us candy…No…I am stronger than this…Besides, it would be easier for Naruto-niichan to not be forced to participate under the Ibara-no-hime/Ryosuke Peace Accords if he already has more than one mother for our kids. It is not greedy if it is for a 'good cause'.
I have to make this sacrifice. Hinata and I can get along like sister-wives. Especially if she believes that I am doing it for Naruto-nichan's sake. He is so cute.
The whiskers…that sunny blond hair…the pranks…the way his prey twitch after he rains down Doom on the heads of his doomed enemies…the evil…yes the Evil with the capital E-V-I-L. It is my duty to ensure that his legacy will never die.
I Will…I Will…I Will have his EVIL babies, those mischievous imps, and train them to be the most mischievous demon-lawyer-crooked-accounting-ninjas of the Leaf…no the Universe.
Blood ramen will rain down from the heavens and all will be right with the universe when my children will tie up all our enemies in bureaucratic red tape and legal razor wire. Go to war without a properly filled out Form 5693-13A in triplicate, purchasing Konoha Standard 4531-CW compliant weapons, and paying the Uchiha clan their share of the F151-C processing fee…I dare all you puny mortals to risk the wrath of the Uchiha Clan and my kids will drown y'all in an avalanche of paperwork and legal briefs.
If someone could see Inner-Maiko, they would see a demoness in a little girl's pink one-piece pajamas with halo, horns, angel wings, demon tail, and pitchfork dancing the Snoopy Happy Dance while hugging a Naruto-plushie complete with the fox ears and nine furry tails.
[We pause at this moment to put in our ear plugs and shooting earmuffs before the fan girls squeal. Please wait five minutes before removing your hearing protection. Thank you very much for paying attention to this public service announcement].
At the Hokage's tower, Sarutobi felt the 'Hand of Doom' as his secretary wheeled in a wheelbarrow overflowing with more paperwork earmarked for the Hokage's personal attention.
This was the moment that Maiko Uchiha vowed that one day, she would have Naruto's babies and train them up to be the demon-lawyers, ninja-bureaucrats, and crooked-accountants of the Leaf. It was the moment that the Third Hokage and the Council felt a collective shudder that make the Uchibi's marathon council sessions look like a quick meet and greet. If she did it right, soon the Uchiha clan will control the flow of paperwork that ran the village. Calling a meeting meant moving in the open while slipping in clauses into mundane regulations meant that no one will notice until it is too late.
It would be better than clothing her foes in straw coats, dipping them in oil, and have them dance the mino dance, while setting them ablaze.
Fantasizing about truly evil offspring was great, but now she had to deal with this sucker before someone accidentally spills the beans on the Youth Reserve.
Maiko smiled, quickly swipe the trail of blood leaking from her nose, and bowed towards her first victim...no pal.
"Yes, Kakashi-sensei, we need all the collectors we can get. I will be by next week, same time with the necessary permits since adults are not exempt from the licensing requirements of charity solictors. Oh, I will need 200-ryo for the permit processing fee and an extra 150 for the expediting fee."
The money was handed over with a smile.
The Orange Buddha was right. Charity was where the money was at.
One day, historians will note the influence of Uzumaki clan co-matriarch Maiko Uchiha-Uzumaki and the success of the Uchiha-Uzumaki dominated bureaucracy in stemming the tide of war between the Elemental Nations by drowning all sides in paperwork. Unless you were an Uzumaki with the capacity to turn out a couple hundred shadow-clones and drown your foes in literally what is paperwork from hell, there was no way that any mortal could complete the paperwork.
On a side note, the Youth Preserve was a success and to this day is a favorite tool of Konoha's T&I division. Toss an enemy ninja inside and within three hours, he or she will be willing to confess their deepest secrets in return for a Yamanaka mind-wipe.