Summary: Kakashi refuses to even test Team 7. Team 7 meet your new instructor, Anko. Crack
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
The Hokage had tried everything. Bribes, threats, guilt-tripping, confiscating of porn-collection, ordering, nagging, and just generally releasing amazing charisma in the ninja's direction. None of it had worked. No matter what he said, no matter what he did, Kakashi refused to even attempt to take on that team.
Sarutobi sighed heavily. He'd been so certain that he could shove the Uchiha prodigy and the Jinchuuriki at the porn-loving 'copy-cat', that he'd never really considered who else he might be forced to consider taking on that team and now he didn't really have anyone to choose from.
Most of the jounin was away, doing long-term missions that couldn't be aborted without immense consequences. The few he had left had either been assigned teams of their own, or they were simply too... anti-Kyuubi for him to trust them anywhere near the cheerful boy.
As he paged through file upon file, looking for anyone he might've missed in his search, the ancient man had to restrain the urge to bash his head against the tabletop until someone else put all of this godforsaken paperwork away. Or lit it on fire. He was okay with that. In fact, fire sounded wonderful. He hadn't lit anything on fire in ages. Maybe he could just... no. That was a slippery slope, and it wouldn't be long before he'd simply lit anyone who brought him the piles of paper on fire as well.
The Sandaime Hokage blinked.
Mitarashi Anko. Special-jounin, not on any missions currently, and with a distinct need to prove herself worthy of trust that the Council never saw fit to give. Sure there was the ridiculously slim chance of her being a sleeper agent for Orochimaru, but he found the idea of him having such an obvious one quite laughable. Regardless, she was loyal to the Hat, was more than qualified for her rank, and... had a thing for drinking people's blood.
That last one was probably irrelevant.
He looked at her file again. An expert with seduction techniques.
Suddenly recalling Naruto's own variation on the henge, the old man couldn't help but smile.
Hurriedly writing up the needed forms, he stamped his approval.
Iruka glared a bit more at the assigned teachers for the genin teams.
Whilst he couldn't be sure that her reputation was all that accurate, he was fairly certain that at least parts of it was true. And that was more than enough to cause his ire. He did not want to expose Naruto to someone like Mitarashi, but unfortunately that wasn't his call to make.
He called out the teams, ignoring the cheering when it could be ignored, yelling at those that couldn't be ignored, and directed his former students towards their respective teachers.
Until Mitarashi Anko came flying in through a window and landed next to him with a grace that almost made him consider if crazy people could simply defy the laws of physics at will. Because that would certainly explain a lot.
Sasuke looked annoyed at the display, or perhaps that the teacher chosen for them was female – in his defense, the boy had had some seriously bad experiences with fangirls over the years. Sakura looked appalled by her choice in clothing, or lack of clothing as it were. And Naruto was cheering enthusiastically at having a teacher that would actually break a window by jumping through it – Iruka desperately hoped that she wouldn't give him any ideas.
Naruto was very pleased with how their genin-test had turned out.
First Anko had scared them all shitless – not one of his proudest moments, but Sasuke had looked kind of uncomfortable as well, so it was fine – then she'd asked them to introduce themselves – and probably scarred them all mentally for life from her own introduction – and finally she'd asked them to show her their skills.
Sakura proved herself reasonably skilled with the Transformation, Clone, and Body Replacement Techniques, but completely messed up everything else. Sasuke proved himself capable of using the same, but also pulled off a really big fireball of some kind, and then basically aced everything else. And Naruto himself, well, he'd impressed her with the Kage Bunshin, messed up most of everything else, and then made her smile this really creepy smile with his Sexy no Jutsu.
They'd passed, she'd started laughing madly about showing all those fools – he really didn't know what she was talking about as he'd been hiding behind Sakura at the time, the special-jounin was scary – and then she'd explained what being a fresh-out-of-the-academy-genin really meant.
Sure, that had seriously put a damper on his mood, but it wasn't like he was going to whine about it until he could learn to dodge those very sharp kunai of hers. He didn't care if his blood tasted like the ramen of the gods themselves, her willingness to lick it off of him was enough to make him seriously consider replacing his precious red-stuff with soap-water. Nobody liked getting soap in their mouths, it tasted horribly.
Sasuke was... reconsidering his original dismissal of their teacher. Sure, she was clearly insane, but she was willing to be honest with them, if only to have more excuses to draw blood from a very loud blond, and she didn't seem to be utterly smitten with him being the last Uchiha.
It wasn't that he didn't approve of being recognized, or that he was humble by any stretch of the word, but that crazy woman seemed more interested in scaring them senseless and then beating it into the idiot's head that he was to follow her orders or she'd string him up in his underwear in the girl's side of the onsen.
Sasuke could approve of such ruthless tactics. In fact, it made him feel kind of warm and fuzzy inside.
Still, he was stuck on a team with one of his more obsessive fangirls, a blond idiot with huge chakra reserves, and a crazy special-jounin with a thing for sadistic cruelty. But since the first two were far too busy being terrified of the latter to actually annoy him, he came to the conclusion that this might actually be a good thing.
Sakura was visibly shaken by the time she stumbled into her room and collapsed on the bed.
She'd been placed on the same team as Sasuke, but since she'd been too busy playing human shield with Naruto and since their teacher was insane, bloodthirsty, sadistic, and generally creepy as all hell, she hadn't even gotten a chance to talk to the dark-haired boy.
Then again, she found herself somewhat impressed despite herself at Naruto's ability to avoid getting killed by the crazy special-jounin. It took some skill to be able to keep another person between him and a very enthusiastic jounin-level pursuer for several hours straight. She'd hardly been moving at all and she still felt like she'd run a mile. The boy's stamina was mindboggling.
He was still an idiot, but she could appreciate his idiocy as the idiocy of someone who'd simply been far too busy running the hell away from people to really learn to stop and think things through.
She briefly considered mentioning this theory to their new teacher, and came to the conclusion that it would most likely result in Naruto getting tied to a chair and forced to think philosophical questions about the meaning of life. It would be absolute torture for the poor blond.
She smirked happily into her pillow. She could hardly wait.
Kurenai stared at the ragged genin that made Team 7 and tried to understand exactly how painting a fence could've resulted in them looking as if they'd been fighting for their lives.
"The snakes..." Sakura mumbled in a horrified voice. "They're everywhere..." The two boys next to her shuddered at her words, before glancing warily towards their teacher.
The genjutsu master blinked, starting to connect the dots.
"You attacked your own students with snakes in the middle of a D-ranked mission?" She asked her old friend disbelievingly.
"Should teach them not to whine about being bored." Anko grinned happily. "Besides, it's not like they failed."
Kurenai glanced back at her own team, who seemed like they were thanking their lucky stars that at least their instructor wasn't insane, and then looked at her best friend once more.
She'd never really considered what Anko's effect would be on children, but now she was going to have to get really drunk to make sure she never thought of what it would be like if the special-jounin ever reproduced.
Teuchi stared surprised at his best customer and his teammates before finally stating the first thing that came to mind.
"You kids look like you've been pushed off a cliff."
"Survival training." Naruto whimpered as he attempted to drown himself in ramen.
"Were you practicing surviving from falling off cliffs?" He joked as he continued with his work.
"Amongst other things..." The girl said in a small voice that made it obvious that cliffs had been the least of their worries, and that she'd rather not talk about it.
The dark-haired boy shuddered as if remembering whatever these 'other things' had been. "The snakes..." The boy whimpered quietly to himself. "Why are there so many snakes?"
Now, Teuchi knew very well that the boy was an Uchiha, and their views on showing weakness, so he was starting to wonder exactly how sadistically traumatizing their instructor really was.
Then he remembered her name, and everything connected to her name, and suddenly he decided that maybe the first round was on the house.
Sarutobi looked at the council members glaring at him with varying degrees of anger and wondered to himself if he could lure them all into a room filled with his paperwork, and then get away without repercussions when the whole thing burned to the ground.
He sincerely doubted it, but it was a very nice thought.
"Hokage, the law states that only a jounin may take on a genin team. For what reason have you assigned Mitarashi, who is merely a special-jounin, to Team 7?" One of the members spoke up.
"Whilst her rank is lower, she is more than capable enough to handle a team of genin. As for her loyalties, which I'm sure is the true reason for this meeting, she is loyal to the Hat. That is all that is needed."
Of course, none of the members would agree with something as pathetically vague as that, and as outraged voices raised all around him, the Sandaime began to absentmindedly consider how he would manage to lure so many people into a room filled with papers.
Naruto sat down heavily on the ground as another mission was finally over and done with. He hated that cat. He hated it with a passion. He hated that they were forced to protect the cat from giant snakes, in order to not fail the mission, even more.
Still, he could hardly call it boring. Traumatizing, yes. Exhausting, yes. Boring, no.
He glanced over at the soft thuds next to him. Sasuke was breathing heavily, and Sakura was halfway to unconsciousness.
It'd taken them several weeks, but they'd finally gotten more or less used to their sadistic instructor's enthusiastic training methods. They still tried not to think too much about snakes, due to trauma, but they were no longer all that concerned with anything else coming from Anko's mouth.
Naruto made a face as he looked up at the sky. He really didn't think he needed the lecture on where babies come from, especially not with so many horrible pictures. Then again, with him being thoroughly disturbed by this information, his enthusiastic pursuit of a date with Sakura... well, it'd kind of gone down the drain, which the girl actually responded positively to for some reason.
Sure, he still liked her lots, and tried to remind her of that whenever she looked down. But after all that, he really didn't want to go on a date with anyone, even if he did like them.
Other than this, he'd begun to learn patience, which was a new concept to him. Yeah, he could understand the joy of waiting to see a trap he'd rigged spring on someone, but the thought of listening to people so that you could have the knowledge to set that trap... well, that was a new experience for him.
Then, as they'd had a talk about stuff they should all have known since the academy, Anko had thrown her arms into the air and asked him what the hell he'd been doing for all that time. He'd answered that he'd been busy pranking people. She'd responded that she wanted to see a prank worthy of skipping so many important classes.
So he'd repainted the Hokage monument again, only this time with easily solvable paint – they would recognize his handiwork anyways, better to make his punishment easier.
When he'd reported back in – after having lost ANBU – Anko had stared at him with this really odd expression, and then she'd hugged him. It'd been very soft.
Ignoring the exact reasons for why it's been so soft, Naruto looked up at the sky. Anko's 'survival training' had grown to include general pranking of the population of Konoha. Yes, they'd started out pranking civilians due to his teammates inexperience in the subject, but just yesterday they'd been tasked to infiltrate and prank the Hyuuga compound.
Sakura had been utterly scandalized by the idea of pranking people being classified as 'training', but then she'd realized that Naruto had been dodging ANBU patrols for an hour, because they were still trying to get him to clean the monument. Sasuke hadn't complained vocally, though he had been frowning a lot, until he'd also seen the potential of such training.
Of course, Anko wouldn't let them prank people in the same ways, so they were forced to continually think of new traps to spring at the poor unsuspecting inhabitants. They'd used falling fish, moving wallets, stink-bombs, porno-mags, paint of endlessly different colors, and string, lots and lots of string. Until that one time when Naruto had almost been exposed and shot a Sexy no Jutsu in some old guys face in order to get away clean. Then something else had started.
Not wanting to up the dangers of their pranks beyond minor inconvenience to their victims, they realized that messing with people's heads were a lot of fun. It was, in fact, so much fun that the three of them had shown up in varying amounts of fishnet one morning – Anko had looked freaked out until they'd started laughing, then she'd blinked, grinned, and looked kind of proud, before releasing her snakes on them.
They didn't repeat that again – even if they did get the nickname 'Team Fishnet' for it – but they did begin to really consider to what extent you could mess with someone's head. So far, Sasuke and Naruto had gazed longingly into each other's eyes in a public place, Sakura had gotten into an argument with Sasuke about which of Anko or Naruto was better in bed – it'd been a sparring match in a bedroom environment, using nothing but pillows, and of course Anko had cheated – Naruto had been seen eating dango instead of ramen, Sasuke had picked a fight with Konohamaru with lots of childish name-calling, and Sakura had flirted shamelessly with an unknown blonde bombshell who was eating at Ichiraku's.
Konohagakure was in a state of disbelieving shock. This made absolutely no sense.
Naruto chuckled at the thought. Messing with people's heads were a lot more fun than merely pranking them. Who'd have thought it?
She'd started out wanting to impress the village and prove her loyalties, but once she'd met them she'd come to realize that maybe she wasn't all that suited for babysitting of any kind. Unless, of course, you wanted the baby-thingy to be traumatized for life. Then she'd simply wanted to train them into something that would survive anything the world threw at them.
And then she'd actually started to pay attention, and belatedly realized that she'd always wanted a family. And here stood a little sister to corrupt and two brothers to fight. One was the brain, one was the brawn, and one was the clinically insane.
God, but she loved the idiocy of that utter moron.
Smirking slightly at the thought, Anko sat upon the roof, looking down at the relaxing forms below.
One was an inspiration, one was a tactician, and the final one was always ready to follow – even if that was mostly because she'd made a habit of sending a particularly vicious snake after him whenever he defied orders for personal glory.
They were a well-suited team, and if she could just convince the Orange Wonder that he should give up on that horrible jumpsuit, as well as teach his friends that gloriously potential-filled Sexy no Jutsu of his, then she'd have a team capable of infiltrating anything, gain a ludicrous amount of information – and then blow the place sky high if they so wanted – before disappearing back to base.
The fact that she sometimes just wanted to drag them into a great big hug and forget about her troubles... well, she'd only given into that urge that one time when she'd gotten really drunk. Or whenever they did something amazing that she'd never even thought of, like painting the Hokage's nose purple when he was taking a nap in his office.
God, but she loved that kid and his wonderful ideas of insanity.
Whilst Konohamaru had started out stalking Naruto for his treatment as a person rather than a link to the Hokage, he'd quickly come to the conclusion that the boy's team was insane.
The dark-haired ass would either glare at him until he disappeared, greet him with a devious smile that could only spell trouble for the rest of the village, or just spontaneously drop-kick him out of nowhere. Konohamaru had heard of bipolar people, but the guy was clearly a nutcase.
Then there was the flat-chested girl who would either walk around like an overworked zombie until someone poked her – because then she'd punch them through the road – or start talking in a loud voice using weird words that made it sound like she was hinting at something completely different. There was a sort of comfort there, she was female, and males weren't supposed to understand them – only be able to predict their moods with enough accuracy to keep themselves away from the painful interaction with their fists. But she was still unusually weird.
Then there was the fact that Naruto had actually changed a bit since their first meeting. He seemed... more ninja-ish now. Sure, he still pranked the hell out of people, and sure he still didn't act like any of the grown-ups, but there was a devious cleverness in him that was being slowly coaxed into life, and his growing paranoia was rapidly becoming something akin to a sixth sense.
Finally, there was the reason for all of the team's insanity. Their leader, Anko.
Konohamaru didn't know much about Anko, just that all the grown-ups he'd ever asked had told him to stay away from her. Naturally, he'd latched onto her without hesitation on their first meeting, just to spite them. As a repercussion he was forced to deal with snakes, and he kept getting dragged into pranks that were actually astonishingly artful if you ever stopped to think about it.
He'd had lots of time to think about it since Naruto would usually distract them for long enough to get him to safety, and even if he was caught, the worst thing he was subjected to was being grounded. Which was really something nobody ever really bothered to reinforce for some reason. And because of this, he could stop and think a lot.
Most of his peers were quite insistent on showing off with everything they did, and most of the grown-ups seemed to share this view, but Team 7 and its members didn't seem to care at all that they weren't using any cool techniques in their exploits. In fact, they almost seemed to take pride in the lack of them.
Konohamaru had been really confused by this, until Naruto mentioned offhandedly that if there was a jutsu that could paint the Hokage monument in neon color then it wasn't a challenge to climb the entire way up there and do the entire thing with a brush and bucket in the small time-frame that was left open by the ANBU patrols.
It wasn't training if it wasn't challenging.
He nodded to himself, he could understand such reasoning.
He just prayed that the scary fishnet-lady would stop throwing snakes at him whenever she decided that he was getting too noisy.
Sakura was actually cheering with glee as the bridge-builder came into the room.
This utter lapse in her normally more sane apprehension to potentially dangerous situations, was easily explained by one thing, there was no way their teacher would actively interfere on a mission where death was technically an actual possibility for her students.
Basically, there would be no more snakes. No more. Snakes. Never again. Scaly, evil slithering things that hissed. No more! Freedom!
Naruto seemed more enthusiastic about the prospect of doing a higher rank mission than the lack of snakes, but that was mostly because he hadn't actually thought that far yet. She'd give him ten minutes, the idiot was slow on the uptake, but he was definitely improving. And Sasuke... well, he was still confuse-...
Sasuke's lips started twitching upwards in barely contained joy. There we go, took him long enough. She really was the intelligent one in the group, not the cunning one, or the plan-maker, simply the one who could weigh all negatives and positives about a decided action and decide whether it was worth the potential gains that would result in a success.
She was intelligence, Naruto didn't seem to ever think inside the box, and Sasuke wasn't bad at going along with the flow and improvising a bit along the way.
Naturally, their client seemed fairly uncertain about their abilities, and Naruto was starting to slow down his enthusiasm to try and understand why his teammates were so happy all of a sudden. The Hokage also looked confused, but then, nobody had ever really bothered to explain to him why they showed up looking like they'd fought their way through the Forest of Death whenever he sent them out to pick potatoes.
Sakura actually didn't mind the Forest that much. Mostly because Naruto had figured out a way to predict when their snake-crazed teacher would attack them when they were there, which had resulted in a lot of quiet comfortable relaxation in between her attacks. Though, she had to admit that she'd usually be pleased to eat just about anything the moment they returned to civilization.
Naruto suddenly blinked, his mouth falling open, and then a smile started to creep its way onto his face.
"YES! Freedom!" He laughed the laugh of a hopelessly deranged lunatic. "No more snakes!" The boy was actually jumping up and down as tears of relieved joy streamed down his face.
The rest of the room stared at him with extremely varying degrees of disbelief. His teammates weren't surprised at all. The Hokage was looking very confused, and then started to glance between Team 7 and their instructor, before his eyes started to widen in something akin to fascination, horror, and pity. The bridge-builder looked seriously unsettled by the deranged-laughter part. And Anko was looking like she was considering attacking the loud blond with more snakes, just to prove to him that he'd never be free from her.
Anko started to cackle madly.
The two uninitiated blinked in confusion as the three genin suddenly ceased to be. Disappearing from sight through sheer reflex at the sound of what usually resulted in their pain.
With enough motivation, the stars are up for grabs. Utterly defying the laws of physics into simply being anywhere else entirely at a special moment in time was easy. As long as you didn't think too much about it, because that would undoubtedly give you a headache.
If, back at the academy, someone had told anyone of the current members of Team 7 that whilst waiting for their first C-ranked mission to start, Sasuke would sit by the gates and whistle peacefully to himself... well, to say the least, that person would not be believed.
Sasuke didn't seem to mind all the odd looks he was getting from guards and civilians alike, instead giving the impression that he was just utterly high on life.
Which was crazy-talk. Uchihas didn't get high on life, they got high on drugs, and possibly on killing stuff. An Uchiha that got high on life was a shame to his entire clan. Thankfully, Sasuke was kind of the only non-traitorous Uchiha still alive, which made him sort of immune to stuff like that.
When Sakura showed up and tried to join in with his pleasant tune, only to fail utterly, the last Uchiha did the strangest thing. He started to try and teach her how to whistle better.
Never let it be said that the boy, who'd figured out a way to incorporate an unusually foul-smelling fish into a trap to be used against civilians, didn't care about his fellow humans. Hell, the fact that he'd once tried to keep Anko from drinking too much and nailing someone with sharp objects ought to at least put him on the verge of sainthood.
By the time their final teammate came into view, they were looking so peaceful with their whistling that if someone put flowers in their hair it really wouldn't look out of place.
Naruto handed over the flowers with a blissful smile as he joined in with his most wonderful teammates who were filled to the brim with so much patience and kindness that it could make a holy man stare in awe.
When Anko and their client finally showed up, they found the three of them sitting together, with flowers in their hair, whistling a cheerful tune that spoke of hope and love and that the world really was just as wonderful as ramen.
Needless to say, the bridge-builder looked very uncomfortable, and Anko was starting to twitch towards nearest sharp object with which to harm them.
By the time that she'd managed to herd them all out through the gates, there were a lot of rumors cropping up about Team 7 having gone absolutely bonkers.
They'd all known.
You don't really survive Anko's ambushes without gaining some level of extreme situational awareness. Besides, Naruto was paranoid, and that puddle had clearly been looking at him funny.
Needless to say, when the Demon Brothers had jumped out with their fancy chains, the genin had responded without mercy, and with horrifying ferocity. Kind of like that time when they'd failed to protect Tora from the snakes, and the cat had turned the poor reptiles into what looked a lot like bacon slices... only with more guts, and blood, and scales, and bones, and other things that had been difficult to identify.
The point of the matter was that Anko somehow kept her innocent students from killing the poor unsuspecting brothers in what might be classified as a paranoid belief that nothing was actually disabled until it had more wounds than not-wounds in its flesh – and even then, you might want to burn it, just to make sure. Which basically resulted in the Demon Brothers being eternally grateful, and happily supplying them with any of the information they needed, as long as all of those crazy, flower-loving, homicidal, evil midgets were kept at bay.
Tazuna had looked horrified that children could even think of doing such things to people, but then they'd started to try and put flowers in his hair and beckoned innocently about becoming one of them, and the bridge-builder had started to drink heavily. When confronted with his lies, he'd pulled a sob-story, and everyone had come to the conclusion that they'd already walked all the way out here, so they might as well go through with it. He also made sure that Anko was between him and the children whenever such a thing was possible.
In the end, they'd moved on, not really caring all that much about the fact that even Anko was starting to wonder if maybe she'd gone a bit too far with their training, and making a mental note to herself to make sure that they'd see some sort of psychiatrist the moment they returned to Konoha.
Then the mist rolled in, and Naruto almost killed a white rabbit, only to grab it and try to extract information from it, using wonderful gems such as 'who sent you?' and 'don't play that innocent-crap on me!' as well as 'how much are they paying you?' and 'where are you hiding your carrots?'.
Thankfully, this random bout of insanity – hopefully springing from stress and fatigue, and not from the fact that he really was that bad – was interrupted by a giant sword that came spinning through the air.
None of them got hit, though Anko was wondering if this was because the boy's spontaneous information-gathering had made its thrower hesitate for a moment. Hell, she'd forgotten what they were doing there for a moment, so it really wouldn't be all that surprising. Not that there was any way the brat had actually thought of that before doing it, but hey, nobody's perfect.
And then the Demon of the Mist made his appearance, and scared the living daylight out of pretty much everyone present.
The guy could use killing intent, that's for sure.
Then came a fight between two true ninja, whilst the genin took up defensive positions around their client.
Of course, when Zabuza found himself face-to-face with a very, very well-developed girl in the nude, only to be attacked by a virtual hale of kunai and shuriken and the wires attached to them whilst he was still confused about that, only for the final member of the trio to actually manage to sneak a genjutsu in through his defenses... well, she had been forcing them to work as a team, or die trying, for a month or so... but she could honestly say that she hadn't expected this.
The genjutsu hadn't really done much, but it'd been enough for Anko to get back on her feet and finish the job.
At least until that hunter-nin showed up.
Anko didn't really enjoy that, but she'd gone along with it until Naruto had rushed after that damn rabbit again, shouting something about him being onto its schemes. She was hesitatingly willing to ignore that for as long as he didn't call the schemes hare-brained. There were just some puns that should never be told.
It took Anko almost an hour to realize that the hunter-nin was a lie. Of course, if anyone asked why it'd taken her so long, she could excuse herself with that at least she'd managed to walk away from a fight with the Demon of the Mist, and that they could hardly blame her for not being her analytical best at the moment.
A/n: I don't think there's anyone that truly dislikes Anko in the fandom, she's too entertaining. But I find myself unable to write more on this story, which is a bit sad, as it was very entertaining to write.