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The Noob Chronicles of Camp Half-Mortal
"WOOTAGE! OH YESH! I'M BACK AT CAMP HALF-MORTAL!" exclaimed Perky. "NOO!" screamed Anniebell. She ran super fast back to her tent. "Oh, hi Anniebell!" said Perky as he went over to Anniebell's tent. "C'mon let's go get a kwest!"
"kk" Anniebell and Perky walked over to their camp's activity director, Mr. Horse. "We want a kwest , Mr. Horse" said Perky. "Of course! (anything to get you away from me, Perky. Lawls, he so noob)" said Mr. Horse. "Wootage, c'mon Anniebell. To the Oreo!" They walked to the big top circus tent and approached the Oreo.
"Oh Oreo…give us a kwest home skillet BISCUT! Er, I mean Oreo" said Perky. The filling left the Oreo and formed the words of the prophecy:
three dummy-gods shall search for the triple G ranch,
Pick the sacred olive from a golden branch,
Complete lord Haids challenge,
And face an old enemy seeking revenge.
The filling went back in the Oreo. "Woooootage, we got a kwest!" said Perky. "Oh em gee! I'm so excited." said Anniebell. "c'mon lets go find one more dummy-god for our quest."
"Ooo!Ooooo! we need Claire Rice! We are BFFs!"
"O.k. let's go ask her." They walked over past the pineapple bushes to Claire Rice's tent. "Claire Riiiiiiiiiice! Wanna come on a kwest with me and Anniebell?" yelled Perky. "PERKY YOU SO NOOB. I'M RIGHT HERE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL!" roared Claire Rice.
"Fine, but you have to come with us or I will throw a temper tantrum."
"Wooootage I pwn. Did you see me pwn, Anniebell? I pwned OH YEAH! Wewt I pwned Claire Rice so bad-" Claire Rice threw Perky into a nearby pineapple bush.
"We need weapons" said Anniebell. "Let's go to the armory". They walked over to the camp's armory. They went to the weapon area. Perky picked up a highlighter and uncapped it. It turned into a huge sword. "Oh em gee! I need this!" exclaimed Perky. Anniebell picked up a knife "Oh em gee! This looks like Luk-with-an-e's knife! (so hotmazing)". Claire Rice picked up a big spear "Woot I can pwn with this!" They all went to their tents with their weapons to pack up for their quest.
The next morning everyone was up and ready super early. "Oh em gee, Perky" complained Anniebell "It's five in the morning! Why are we up so early?"
"Cuz I'm leading this kwest so you have to do what I say." replied Perky. "Let's go." Just then a brown lump crashed into Perky sending him down the hill. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he screamed as he rolled down the hill with the brown thing. "Lawls, Perky" said Anniebell "you so noob". Anniebell and Claire Rice ran down the hill after Perky. "AAAAA get it off!" screamed Perky "…wait a sec… GROWVAIR GET OFF ME!"
"Sorry 'bout that Perky, I wanna come on your quest with you."
"Well, we could use a Cyclops…"
"I'm not a Cyclops," screamed Growvair "I'm a SATYR!"
"No way" said Perky in disbelief "since when?"
"Lawls Perky you so noob" said Anniebell. They decided to walk until they saw a town. It only took them three minutes before they were hopelessly lost. "Ugh! Were lost! Way to go Perky!" said Claire Rice.
"We aren't lost. We are right here." he said as he pointed to a spot on the map he was carrying. "Lawls Perky that's not a map, that's a Scrabble game board!" said Anniebell.
"You idiot! How can you navigate a Scrabble game board!" yelled Claire Rice, "It's full of squares! There are no paths!"
"Oh…well in that case, were lost" said Perky "but on the bright side, I get sixty points for spelling kwest, K-W-E-S-T!"
"Oh em gee Perky, you so noob! That doesn't spell quest! You're dyslexic, why are you playing a spelling game?" said Anniebell.
"I pwn at this game!"
"Ugh you so noob!" After trying to find a town for a few hours they decided to take a break. "Phew, I'm tired." said Perky. "I'm hungry." said Growvair. "I'm board." said Claire Rice "I see a hair salon." said Anniebell. "Oh em gee!" screamed Perky "Anniebell's hallucinating! Hurry we gotta help her." Perky grabbed his thermos and dumped his water in her face. "PERKY YOU NOOB!" said Anniebell "Look over there, there really is a hair salon."
"Oh…well your hair is hideous when it's wet. C'mon lets go fix it, it's almost as ugly as Claire Rice's."
"PEEEERRRRRKKKY!" said Claire Rice angrily.
"Run!" screamed Perky. He grabbed Anniebell and ran for the hair salon. They walked inside and went up to a lady at the counter. "Hello, welcome to Hair-a's wedding hair salon, how may I help you?" she said. "My friend's hair looks hideous, can you fix it?" asked Perky. "Right this way, have a seat in front of the hair dryers". Perky pushed Anniebell into a seat. A hair dryer lowered over her head. "O.k. We'll be in the front, bye Anniebell!" said Perky as he walked away. He sat down in the front with everybody else. Suddenly they heard a crash and a scream, "Oh no! Anniebell!" said Perky as bolted back to where he left Anniebell. Anniebell had her knife out and she was standing opposite a hideous creature. "AAAAAAAAAAA what is that?" screamed Perky. It was a huge, pink blow dryer moving around like a snake.
"That's a hair-dra! Make sure you don't cut the-"
"Wooot, I cut the cord now it should die!" said Perky happily.
"cord…"finished Anniebell. Another blow dryer head appeared. "Oh em gee! I'll kill it again!" said Perky.
He ran up to the hair-dra and chopped off the heads with his sword. After ten minutes Perky had managed to give the hair-dra about 800 heads. Anniebell pushed Perky out of the way and unplugged it. "You so noob Perky." She said. They walked up to the front and were about to leave when a lady appeared in front of them. "I am Hair-a, goddess of marriage." she said.
"Oh em gee! Hiiiiiiiiiii!" said Perky.
"Thank you for saving my hair salon."
"No problem, I'm pro at beating monsters."
"To repay you I will give you this magical map. Tap a place and you will be transported there, but it only works a few times, use it wisely."
"Oh em gee! Thanks!"
"Good bye dummy-gods." and with that she vanished.
"First things first," said Anniebell, she grabbed the map from Perky. "K, now we won't end up in China"
"Let's go to the grocery store, I'm hungry." said Growvair.
"O.k. good idea." Anniebell tapped the grocery store on the map and they appeared in the middle of a grocery store. "OH EM GEE! CANDY!" screamed Perky. Everyone started grabbing candy from the shelves. "Anniebell! No candy for you! You're already kinda flabby…c'mon let's go get you a healthy carrot stick" he grabbed Anniebell and dragged her over to the vegetable aisle. "You know where I wanna stick a carrot…" muttered Anniebell. "Oh em gee…"
"I know! They have like twenty different types of carrots!" exclaimed Perky.
"No Perky, you so noob….look!"
"OH EM GEE!I FOUND THE TRIPLE G RANCH, DRESSING!"
"No I did."
"Hey you two, just grab it and put it in our cart." said Claire Rice. They put it in the cart along with a bunch of other foods and drinks. They paid and loaded their bags with the food and drinks they bought. They tapped the forest on their map and set up camp. "I'm huuuuuuuungry!" whined Perky.
"Oh em gee Perky, we were just at the grocery store." said Anniebell.
"But I'm still huuuungry!"
"Fine I'll make dinner."
"Noooooooo, I wanna try to cook."
"Ugh, fine but you better make something edible!" Perky made everyone go in their tents while he cooked. After three minutes Perky had started a fire. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he screamed as he ran around "OH NO! THERE'S FIRE ON MY SHIRT!" he ran and started rolling on the ground and into all the tents, he had set everything on fire. "Perky! Use your water powers!" everyone screamed. Perky got in a battle stance and pushed out his fist, "YAAAAAH! Water powers activate!" nothing happened. "Perky, you noob, do something!" yelled Claire Rice. Anniebell disappeared and came back with a fire extinguisher. She quickly put out the fire. "Good thing we had that map, I just teleported to the fire department to and borrowed this extinguisher." Anniebell said. Perky passed everyone a crispy black stick. "What is this?" asked Anniebell
"Dinner." he said happily
"Oh em gee, Perky you so noob, we can't eat this."
"Sure we can," he bit it and started gagging "never mind, no we can't."
"Let's go to a restaurant since Perky burnt all our food." suggested Growvair.
"O.k. let's try this place." said Anniebell and they teleported to a restaurant.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW W! Olive Garden gross! I hate vegetables!" complained Perky.
"It's the only place here," said Anniebell "C'mon." They walked inside. The walls were decorated like it was a forest. Trees were painted on the walls and branches covered the restaurant. The branches were covered with little dots…olives! "Oh em gee" said Anniebell "If we can find a golden branch, we can find the sacred olive!"
"Good idea, lets split up to find it" said Claire Rice. They all walked around and examined the walls. "Um…can I help you?" asked a confused looking waiter.
"Ooo yeah!" said Perky "We're looking for-" Anniebell elbowed him "oof" wheezed Perky. "Um, we want one of everything." said Anniebell. "O.k." said the waiter. He left to go put in the order. "We gotta hurry! He'll be back in a few minutes. We gotta find the sacred olive and get out of here." warned Anniebell.
"Aawwwwwwwwwwwww!" complained Perky "If we leave we won't get any food."
"YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T LIKE VEGETABLES!"
"EW I HATE VEGETABLES!"
"You so noob Perky. Just look for the golden branch. Growvair, can't you do anything natury to find it?"
"Let me try." whined Perky.
"You don't have nature powers!"
"I found it!" said Claire Rice "Lawls, Perky you so noob."
"Lets get out of here." said Anniebell. She pressed the forest on the map and they teleported there. The map shriveled up and disappeared. "Looks like we need a new way to travel now." she said. "O.k. we are done with half of the prophecy, what should we do now?"
"I think we should head to the underworld to find Haids." said Claire Rice.
"Let's go then! I'm in charge so everyone follow me!" said Perky.
"Ugh whatever." said Claire Rice.
"I know exactly where to go! Everyone lets get started" said Perky. "I'll call some sea creatures for us to ride, let me channel my inner water… squishy squish, splashy splashy drip drip…. AAAAAA I gotta go potty!" he ran off into a nearby bush. He cam back a minute later. "aaaahh, all better. K, now where was I? oh yea…SEA CREATURES COME TO MEH!" four jellyfish appeared "I pwn! Wewt hop on every one" once everyone was on Perky said "Get us near Haids!" Apparently jellyfish didn't like people sitting on them, so by the time they got to their destination everyone's hair was sticking up because they got shocked the whole way there. "That wasn't so bad" said Perky. Anniebell reached over and shocked Perky. They got off their jellyfish and looked around. "Where are we" asked Anniebell. "Oh em gee! We're at a carnival!" shouted Perky.
"Don't touch anyth-" Anniebell started to say
"COTTON CANDY!" Perky ran over to the cotton candy stand.
"Ugh, look at that sign over there, it says 'Fair of Despair' we should be careful." warned Anniebell.
"AAAAAAAAAAAA!" screamed Perky.
"Oh no! Perky!" Anniebell ran to the cotton candy stand. "Perky, where are…" Anniebell looked down "LAWLS Perky you so noob!" Perky fell in the cotton candy machine and was covered in cotton candy. Claire Rice and Growvair ran over to them and started laughing when they saw Perky. "Hey, you weirdo over there, the one wearing the cotton candy" A man in a suit said. "I'm Narsisus and as owner of this carnival I would appreciate it if you didn't wear our food."
"Why does that name sound familiar?" thought Anniebell.
"Hey! Who you calling a weirdo?" said Perky.
"You" replied Narsisus
"oh yeah…well…well you're…"
"oh now I remember!" said Anniebell
"UGLY!" screamed perky.
"PERKY YOU IDIOT!" screamed Anniebell.
"What…did…you…call…me?!" said Narsisus angrily
"ugly, U-G-L-Y, uuuuuuuuuuuuugly." said Perky.
Narsisus grabbed a dart from the nearest game booth. He threw it right over Perky, missing him by inches. "Perky! Narsisus is the guy who fell in love with himself because of his looks and YOU JUST CALLED HIM UGLY!" yelled Anniebell. Narsisus grabbed more darts and chased Perky and his friends around the carnival.
"Quick over here" said Perky. Everyone jumped on…horses.
"Perky, you idiot! Why are we on a merry-go-round! We are going in circles!" said Claire Rice. A dart sailed over her head. "RUN!" they ran past hotdog carts, cotton candy stands, and snow cone machines. "Quick! In here," said Anniebell. "I have an idea." Narsisus followed them into the house of mirrors. "AAAAAAAAAAAAA!" screamed Narsisus as he looked in a mirror, "I'm hideous!" the fun house mirrors made it look like he had a little head and a huge body. "Hurry! While he's distracted!" said Anniebell. They all slipped out the back door and ran until the "Fair of Despair" was no longer in sight.
"Awww, why did we leave? I didn't get to win a stuffed animal." complained Perky. "Lawls, Perky you so noob." said Anniebell. They walked around for a while and saw a sign, "Welcome to Fairy Unicorn Land!"
"Wow…how stupid." said Claire Rice "Only a little girl would want to go there."
"OH EM GEE! UNICORNS!" screamed Perky as ran into fairy unicorn land.
"We better follow him." said Anniebell. They walked in and found Perky in the gift shop. He was wearing a fairy unicorn tutu, unicorn horn, unicorn slippers, and a set of fairy wings. Everyone stopped when they saw him. "Lawls Perky, you so noob." said Anniebell.
"C'mon guys, lets go ride fairy unicorns!" said Perky. Reluctantly, everyone followed. They came up to a stable that was filled with sparkly, girly, pink unicorns with huge eye lashes. Perky and jumped on one and said "OH EM GEE! I love unicorns!" "GET OFF ME YOU NOOB" said the unicorn in the deepest scariest man voice anyone had ever heard. They all stared at it. "AAAAAAAAAA! Scary unicorn" said Perky as he got off. They all ran away from the stable. "That was disturbing." said Claire Rice. They walked into the "Fairy-Tastic Super Candy Store Emporium". Perky saw a giant lollipop as big as his face and stared at it "Oh…em…gee…" he said. "Don't touch anything Perky." said Anniebell. Perky pulled the lollipop and they fell through a trap door. They fell in front of a sign that said "Welcome to the Underworld, we are newly remodeled!"
"Who knew the entrance to the underworld would be somewhere as disturbing as fairy unicorn land." said Claire Rice. They got up and walked around. "Are you sure this is the underworld" asked Anniebell. It was pink, bright, and puffy. There were pink, puffy clouds that took passengers over the river lycks (the river lycks is a river of lollipops and assorted heart candies). "I always thought it would look…I dunno…scary." said Claire Rice.
"Ugh, guys you so noob." said Perky "The sign said underworld, so it HAS to be the underworld. C'mon lets go see if we can find Haids." They all got on a puffy cloud and it took them over the river lycks. "Candy!" cried Perky, he almost jumped off the cloud but Growvair caught him. "Oh em gee Perky, you so noob." said Anniebell. "If you go in the river lycks, you get a bellyache." The cloud brought them to the other side and they jumped off. The underworld was full of fairies and unicorns. "I speak unicorn." said Growvair, "I'll go ask where Haids is." He went over to the unicorn, talked, and came back. "That unicorn said to follow the flowers" they walked through the path of pink and purple flowers and it lead them straight into Haid's most fearsome, gruesome, reckless monster. They knew that right away when they heard it giggle. In front of them was Care-Bearus: a three headed Care-Bear with a blue body, pink head, green head, yellow head, and big heart on its stomach. "AAAAAA!" screamed Perky "HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BEAT THAT!?"
"Well," said Anniebell, "I was gunna suggest sneaking around it… BUT NOW IT SEES US CUZ OF ALL YOUR SCREAMING!" Care-Bearus opened its three mouths and shot rainbows at them. They all ducked and took out their weapons. "I'll use my magical pink Mets hat to turn invisible and sneak up on him." said Anniebell, "You guys distract him…or her…I can't really tell which" she vanished and Perky, Claire Rice, and Growvair started to distract it. Growvair pulled out his flute and started playing a song that made the flowers wiggle. Perky and Claire Rice charged Care-Bearus. Care-Bearus shot more rainbows at them. Claire Rice deflected it but Perky was too busy watching the flowers wiggle to block it. The rainbow hit Perky and he fell to the floor laughing. "It's a tickle beam!" laughed Perky. Claire Rice threw her spear into one of Care-Bearus's heads and it exploded into a flash of sparkly twinkles. The head in the middle did the same. Anniebell's knife landed next to Claire Rice. "Wootage I pwn." said Anniebell. She took off her hat and appeared next to her knife. Perky recovered from the tickling rainbow and said "Let me kill the last head!" Care-Bearus shot more rainbows but everyone dodged them. Perky charged full speed at Care-Bearus. Care-Bearus swatted him into a nearby wall "Ow…" he moaned. Claire Rice threw her spear and vaporized Care-Bearus. "Oh yeah I pwn!" said Perky as Growvair helped peel him off the wall. "Lawls Perky you so noob." said Claire Rice. They walked up toward the huge door Care-Bearus was guarding.
Perky ran up to the door and started to pull with all his might. "Open stupid doooooor!" Perky was pulling so hard he was starting to turn red. "Move aside Perky" said Anniebell as she pushed the door open "Lawls Perky you so noob it's a push door." Together they walked into a room that was sparkly and pink. "I'm not sure we're in the right place." said Claire Rice. They walked further in and saw Haids in his throne of cotton candy. "Who are you and why are you here?" boomed Haids. "I'm Perky and these are my friends" said Perky "We have come to get a challenge from you."
"Oh you want a challenge, do you?" Haids asked menacingly.
"Lawls, he doesn't hear well." giggled Perky.
"I have a task that no one can possibly do!"
"Ooo!Ooo! We wanna try!"
"Bring me the perfect lunch! You have one hour, you may use my kitchen it is fully stocked with anything you will need."
"Hurry guys lets go!" said Perky as he pushed everyone into the kitchen. "Let's each make our own dish, that way we have a better chance of making the perfect lunch then if we only made one." Said Anniebell.
"O.k." everyone agreed. "I'm going to make him a seafood dish!" said Perky.
"I'm going to make him something meaty." said Claire Rice.
"I'm going to make him a vegetarian dish." said Growvair.
"I'm going to make him a salad." said Anniebell.
They all got to work on their meals. After about forty minutes everyone was done with their dishes and everyone was a mess. Perky had seaweed on him and octopus ink. Claire Rice had a stain on her shirt. Growvair had vegetables in his hair. Anniebell was clean, "How did you all get so dirty?" she asked. They all brought their dishes to Haids. First he tried Perky's
"….ew….. I don't think this is edible…..what's in it?"
" Squid, octopus, kelp, sand, seaweed, salmon, shrimp, tuna, oysters, all in a lemon chocolate garlic sauce, charred to perfection. Haids gagged "…NEXT!"
Claire Rice gave Haids her dish. "Better than the first because this one I can swallow…but no, it's not that great….NEXT!"
Growvair brought out his dish "….gross….is this….vegetables? eww no one likes vegetables….NEXT!"
Anniebell brought out her salad "hmmm….this is actually really good." a smile appeared on his face "What's in it?"
"Well its lettuce and our sacred olive with triple G ranch dressing."
"Your dish wins!"
"Woot, since I completed your challenge I want to know where Luk-with-an-e(so hotmazing!) is."
"I heard from my top unicorn lieutenant that he has made a base at the school supply depot store, he was also seen at the pit of tartar-sauce looking for Kroons."
"Oh em gee! Why was he looking for prunes! EW!" said Perky.
"Not prunes, Kroons, lord of thyme(the zestiest of all spices and herbs), if he becomes powerful again we will all be doomed!"
"Doomed to eat prunes! Oh no!"
"Not doomed to eat prunes (wow he noob) you are starting to bother me, I am going to send you to the school supple depot (anything to get him away)." Haids snapped his fingers and everyone was transported to the school supply depot. They walked up to the door. There was a strange noise "OH EM GEE! WHAT WAS THAT!CLAIRE RICE YOU'RE BIG AND HIDEOUS, SCARE IT AWAY!"
"Lawls Perky you so noob, that was the door opening and now you made Claire Rice mad." said Anniebell. Claire Rice grabbed Perky by his back pack and walked in to the store, she threw him in a jumbo can of paint. He got up and joined everyone by the science fair boards. They snuck around to the spiral notebook aisle and saw Luk-with-an-e. Anniebell saw him and fainted after saying "…so hotmazing….". Perky charged at Luk-with-an-e. Luk-with-an-e saw him and dodged at the last minute. Perky started to chase Luk-with-an-e around the store. They ran through paper, cardboard, markers, staples, paperclips, glue sticks, crayons, sticky notes, science fair boards, sharpies, paint, chalk, stickers, and pencils. Everyone kept looking up and down the aisles watching Perky chase Luk-with-an-e. Luk-with-an-e ran out from the composition book aisle and through the back door. When they all saw Perky they started laughing, he was covered in markers, paint, sticky notes, paper, and pretty much everything else in the store. "LAWLS PERKY!" shouted Claire Rice "You look like a back-to-school sale threw up on you!"
Everyone was laughing hysterically. "Luk-with-an-e got away." said Perky "Let's go back to camp and tell Mr. Horse Luk-with-an-e was going to get prunes." They walked out of the store and down to a pond, the sun was shining on it and created a rainbow. "Perfect, a rainbow, do you know what this means?" said Anniebell excitedly.
"Yes of course! LEPRICONS! Wooot I call all the gold!" said Perky.
"Lawls Perky you so noob, we have to send a message to camp." she took out a Chuck E. Cheeses token and threw it into the rainbow. "Oh whatsyourface take this token and play some ski ball, show me camp half-mortal!" the rainbow exploded and they saw the image of Mr. Horse. "Mr. Horse! Luk-with-an-e is going to find prunes!" screamed Perky.
Anniebell pushed him out of the way and told Mr. Horse about their quest and Luk-with-an-e(so hotmazing!). Mr. Horse said he would send a ride to pick them up and bring them back to camp. A few short minutes later (oh em geeeeeee what is taking so long) a camp half-mortal pineapple truck came. They all got in, soon they were back at camp. "Good job on your quest." said Mr. Horse. "I have prepared an honorary weed in celebration of your successful quest!" All the campers gathered by the lake to plant the weed. It was brown and half dead. "This weed pwns!" said Perky. As leader of the quest he got to plant it. He planted it by the edge of the lake then stood up and admired it. Then he slipped and fell into the lake. "Lawls Perky you so noob." said Anniebell. And they stood in the sunset and laughed at Perky. THE END