Disclaimer: Not Mine Harry Potter Belongs to JK Rowling, anything else you recognise belongs to someone else.
My first fanfic and an attempt at humour at that.
Hermione massaged her temples and tried to focus on the parchment in front of her, all the while vowing never, ever to get like this again. Sure Hangover-Relief potion made you sober, stop vomiting and remove the headache but it did not remove the grogginess or aches or sensitivity that came with the morning after being far too soon. Still massaging temples and by now completely ignoring the parchment in front of her, she figured that notes on the Goblin-Wizard relations committee was probably important. She should be paying attention, but with her raging hangover it held as much interest as Ron's cock despite it being longer in length and without a hangover infinitely more interesting.
Not that any of these reasons were of any comfort either now or in the future, for next week he would saunter in blonde and haughty and take her out to lunch come dinner and end with drunken and perhaps not so drunken snog and groping on her sofa before both of them fell asleep on said sofa only to feign ignorance of such happenings come morning.
In fact quite how she ended up going on weekly lunches with Lucius Malfoy remained one of the greatest mysteries of the Wizarding world. Whose beginnings instead of being lost in the mists of time were lost in a vodka, red wine, white wine, whiskey, brandy haze. And how they got onto the finer points of classic and current literature before making an in depth list of reasons why a cock longer than four inches is essential to a loving, supportive and ultimately satisfying relationship, followed by a practical demonstration of why the tongue is the most important part of a man's body was the second greatest mystery in the Wizarding world. And in a world seemingly built on illogical ideas and whimsy this was saying something.
But the simple facts and solvable mysteries in life still remained those little things that made life what it was. In Hermione's case there was number one she had a raging hangover, two she was tired, three since she orchestrated the break in to Gringotts Goblin-Wizard relations were at an all-time low. Four only she was now in charge of such relations, this showed that clearly Ministry management were morons. On paper statistically she was the best person for the job, but equally on paper and well documented Daily Prophet looking paper she was the worst person for the job. Finally number five she had a raging hangover, Malfoys and the booze they bring with them be damned.
Or if not damned then at least banished or asked nicely if he and his wine would like to strip down and make themselves comfortable on her bed and she will see to them in a minute. Well a hung over girl could dream anyway, besides even drunk he's a good kisser and she knows where his hand rests all night.
A loud knocking coming, constant annoying knocking, coming from the office door, pulled Hermione out of her thoughts gripping her desk and taking deep breaths Hermione reminded herself that murder even if it was a Ministry moron no matter how beneficial a service said murder would be for the good of the Wizarding world was wrong. Resulting in a one way trip to Azkaban and even if by some miracle she could blame said murder on a freak accident or even better another moron, involvement in such a case even though it was just part of routine investigation did not look good on one's record neither did it look good if it was revealed that said employee was hung over.
Though diminished responsibility claim due to being hung over was looking like a nice option if it would stop that damned knocking on the office door. Slowly Hermione shuffled to the office door and put on her best 'I may look happy but I'm secretly imagining you dying a long and painful death by my hands' smile and opened the door.
Standing in the door way hand raised mid knock was a young, tall, heavily made up, big breasted blonde secretary, poor girl had a large smile on her face. Hermione looked at the girl and as she pondered the meaning and value of what looked like to be a rather limited life for her secretary Hermione came to a startling conclusion. Everywhere she went in the Ministry the secretaries were all the same, she wondered idly if the Ministry had some sort of cloning device or an android production line or if all tall large breasted blondes wanted to be secretaries. No doubt being the secretary to an unwaveringly straight woman was the low point of this secretary's career. Maybe she was being punished or had a death wish hence her knocking on the office door.
"Miss Granger, an owl has just arrived from Mr Malfoy. I have checked your schedule and you have nothing on for the rest of the day."
Taking the letter Hermione walked back into the office and sat at her desk. The one good thing about her weekly lunches was that from experience no one expected her to return from said lunch, that and hangover fuelled glares the day after soon stopped the problem of anyone commenting. With a raised eyebrow she opened the letter in front of her.
Come home now. An Emergency has come up. Quickly.
Sensing something was wrong, not from the non-existent sloppy penmanship, but rather the short and to the point sentences. Grabbing her bag and cloak Hermione quickly flooed back to her small flat.
The scene that greeted her on return was almost surreal, if such a sight had not greeted her before. There in her flat, dressed up in his usual finery was Lucius Malfoy pacing back and forth frantically running his hands through his long hair that was currently untied due to the behaviour of said hands.
"Hermione thank Merlin you're here."
"Ok Lucius what's wrong?"
"Fifty. I'm Fifty. Five-O."
Lucius said punctuating the air with frantic hand gestures.
"Lucius you're a wizard. You're not that old."
Lucius fixed Hermione with a look that could only be described as 'are you mental'.
"Of course I'm old! I have been alive for five decades. They are at the manor now planning a party, rubbing in my lack of youth. It's the end of the line for me all that's left is a lifetime of going to bed early and no more erections."
He was still pacing and ranting. Hermione thought it humorous that a man who had entertained the Dark Lord in his home was falling to pieces over adding another number to his age. It was not like he suddenly changed since last night. Circe it was worse than last year when he discovered he needed reading glasses. And of course like everyman he managed to think through his current problem with regards to his cock and not his brain.
A thought about Voldemort undergoing a similar self-implosion came to mind, without warning Hermione burst out laughing and ended up bent double on the sofa wiping tears from her eyes.
"Oh great I'm a source of humour to my best friend now as well as my own son."
Lucius threw his arms up in disgust and continued with his pacing.
"No! I was thinking of imagining the Dark Lord undergoing such a crisis. Merlin could you imagine what would happen if we sent someone to seduce him and his little snake not working."
He turned to face her and joined Hermione in her mirth, eventually when they both stopped laughing Hermione realised she did not know why Lucius was pacing in her flat instead of his manor.
"Wait a minute. Why are you pacing in my flat and not your manor?"
"Oh yes I was just getting to that. I have decided not to go home for my party and be reminded of how old I am, so you are going to accompany me to dinner tonight and we will forget I am fifty, a final hurrah if you will."
Before she could mouth a protest, Lucius steered Hermione into her bedroom and began to search her wardrobe Hermione presumed he was searching for a suitable dress. Having nothing better to do Hermione sat on the bed and watched as he sneered and raised eyebrows at her various clothes before finally deciding on an outfit.
"Ahh this will do nicely."
He held up a modest but not unsexy red dress, Hermione smirked at him and took the dress from his hands and placed it on the bed. Carefully she began taking off her work robes and cloak and turned around concerned as to the lack of door closing sound.
"Lucius as much as you might appreciate the view and as flattering as that would be I must request that you leave me to get dressed ALONE."
Lucius raised an elegant eyebrow and paused before answering what was a non-negotiable statement.
"But my dear, I could not do anything to you, after all I am old and my cock is dead."
Hermione casually looked Lucius up and down before she answered.
"Hmm be that as it may not so little Lucius failed to get that particular memo."
The slightest, tiniest bit of colour imaginable appeared on Lucius's cheeks, however due to Lucius being a Malfoy such an observation was impossible and was merely a trick of the light. Lucius was walking through the door way when a voice called out from behind.
"Bathroom is the only door on the right."
On hearing her bedroom door close and giving a Malfoy worthy smirk on hearing the bathroom door close, Hermione turned her now distracted attention on getting changed and preparing to go out. On hearing the moans and groans coming from the bathroom (it was a small flat) this was a task whose difficulty had seemingly multiplied.
Once dressed, made up and wanked the perplexing pair made their way out to dinner, where upon arrival the restaurant staff immediately adopted a look somewhere between fear and awe the problem for our duo was that neither could remember what they had done the last time that caused such a reaction. Unphased they simply took their seats and ordered paying more attention to the wine then the meal.
It was halfway through dinner and halfway through their second bottle of wine that a curious idea came to Hermione, how it came to her she was unsure maybe it was due to remembering the amount of stories about February 29th proposals though why she would remember at this time of year had the possibility to be yet another mystery or maybe she was becoming a light weight. Ok scratch the last one. Ok both she decided. The idea came to Hermione as after a long time of being friends with Lucius Malfoy the sense of entitlement and arrogance was rubbing off on her. Of course that was the solution, no other logical explanation.
"Lucius we have affection for each other that some would dare to call a perverse form of love and we always support each other in our various endeavours. You're divorced and Weasley keeps looking at me like I'm a piece of meat, how about we get married?"
Lucius studied Hermione over his wine glass, before a smirk graced his features. In fact this was no regular smirk but more the ultimate smirk, the Malfoy smirk of supreme satisfaction. The smirk that was apparent when a plan came together.
"My dear that was the most diplomatic proposal I have ever heard. Though it begs the question what you thought all our weekly dinners were for, I mean if it looks like a date, plays out like a date and ends like a date it's a date."
Hermione spat out her mouthful of wine in what was a rather dignified way, you may be wondering dear readers how this was possible suffice to say how could one ever look undignified next to a Malfoy.
"You complete and utter bastard. You manipulative, conniving, deceiving..."
"Correction, I am your manipulating, conniving, deceiving, scheming, plotting, bribing, murdering, backstabbing, slippery, romantic, handsome, intelligent, witty, rich bastard."
"Come I believe the registry office at the ministry is still open and sex before marriage is so." He paused and ran his tongue over his lips "Common."
Throwing a handful of galleons on to the table, he examined his finger nails in bored distaste as he waited for Hermione to close her mouth, put down or down her wine, stand up and take his arm so that they could leave.
After an hour had passed, twenty minutes getting to said registry office, quite why the Ministry registry office was open twenty four hours a day was the Wizarding world's third greatest mystery. Forty minutes waiting to be called to the clerk, even though they were the only two there and neither of them were known for being silent or particularly patient.
"Birth, Marriage or Death."
Stated the clerk in bored monotone.
"Please state your full names."
Sighed the clerk
"Lucius Abraxas Malfoy."
"Hermione Jean Granger."
"Ok signatures here, here and initials and wand signatures here."
Said the clerk pointing robotically at the parchment in front of him.
Hermione was beginning to wonder if the clerk was a robot, hmm that would save on wages and an excellent idea for a new secretary and one that would not keeping knocking, a constant annoying knocking on her office door. Suddenly images of terminator crossed with the Wizarding world came to mind and Hermione decided that robot Ministry employees were a very bad idea.
"Ok in the eyes of the law you are now man and wife you may now do whatever."
The clerk droned. Lucius grabbed Hermione by the waist and before they knew it not only were they back at Hermione's small flat but it was morning.
Hermione rolled over and came face to face with the blonde sharing her bed, she was then aware that said blonde was Lucius, that they were both naked immediately Hermione froze not because they were married, naked or had sex no the reason for Hermione's sudden panic was because she had just remembered she had no more tea.
Oh and they had to tell Draco and the rest of the world that they were married, but surprisingly the tea problem was the one that had her nudging Lucius awake.
"Lucius. Lucius Wake up."
The blonde just murmured something unintelligible and continued to sleep. Hermione sighed desperate times called for desperate measures after all.
"Ronald Weasley has just been made Minister for Magic."
That did it.
"What when was this why was I not inform… Wait you just wanted to wake me up what is so important that meant I had to be woken up at." He checked the clock "Eight thirty in the morning after my wedding night."
"Lucius I don't know how to say this but promise me you won't get angry. I ran out of tea."
Hermione shrank away as much as she could from the venomous gaze of her husband, deciding it was time to change the subject lest she find herself dead or worse falling out of bed she swallowed a large breath and prepared.
"We have to tell Draco at some point you know."
"Let me get this straight you woke me up early, nearly shocking me into a heart attack and proceed to have the gall to inform me that you have no tea. Which in itself is a travesty but to wake me up over such a scenario suggests to me that you are either very brave or very foolish."
Lucius voice was low and his gaze hardened, Hermione took a breath and matched his glare not backing down or away. She was now beginning to panic as Lucius made no move to lighten the situation or break his stare.
Unbeknown to Hermione as she was currently distracted with her immediate survival failed to notice the edges of Lucius's lips twitch upwards, he continued to hold his stare for a few more agonisingly long moments before he threw his head back and his deep baritone laugh rang out.
This sudden mirth caused Hermione to jump both figuratively and literally as she ended up in a naked heap on the bedroom floor.
She managed to growl out between her gasps and laboured breaths; all the while Lucius simply put his arms behind his head and settled himself comfortably on the bed taking in her dishevelled appearance.
"Oh good your up, I was thinking of something greasy for breakfast and a lazy day in bed after all Draco will probably be mildly worried about where I disappeared to yesterday so it is for the best if I stay put making it easier for him to find me."
Hermione was then dismissed with a lazy wave of his hand.
With an exaggerated put out sigh Hermione rummaged around the now untidy bedroom to find her dressing gown and try to find something for breakfast which if she did would be a minor miracle considering her plans to go shopping after work were usurped, chewed up and spat out with surprising accuracy into the chaos and surprising bin that was the life of Hermione Granger now Malfoy.
Hermione paled at the thought she was now a Malfoy, Oh Merlin. She shivered at the thought of being responsible for bringing more little Malfoys into the world though a little Draco or better yet a little Lucius with her brains and luck that came from being in the company of the boy-who-just-seemed- to-keep-living-and-survive-against-all-odds was not necessarily a bad idea.
She shook her head and reluctantly made her way to the small kitchen of the flat. Hermione opened one cupboard nothing, a second cupboard what a surprise nothing, a third cupboard assorted plates and mugs and finally the last cupboard a small battered box of tea bags that had seen better years and a box of chocolate rice cereal non branded of course.
Hermione with slightly better spirits opened the fridge and ignored the old jars filled with something she could not remember and spotted a bottle of milk things were looking up.
And so Hermione entered the bedroom bearing what could be considered breakfast. In fact in some circles it was breakfast however Hermione decided that Lucius did not move in the circles where a bowl of chocolate flavoured muggle cereal and a mug of tea brewed with a tea bag was considered breakfast.
She placed the tray on Lucius's lap and climbed back into bed and proceeded to place a mug on her bed side table and help herself to a bowl of cereal.
"And my dear husband breakfast is served."
She raised an eyebrow that dared him to challenge the meagre offering, drawing on his past experiences of being married to one Narcissa Black and his servitude to one lord Voldemort Lucius decided that discretion was the better part or valour or in layman's terms unless he wanted to wear his breakfast it was for the greater good of his sex life to accept the offering.
With a poorly disguised grimace he reluctantly took a spoonful of the soggy brown mess, Lucius perked up at the discovery that although his breakfast was not greasy it was chocolaty and was just as healthy.
Hermione despite her upper middle class Muggle upbringing tucked into her awaiting breakfast with gusto and despite the quizzical look of Lucius brought the bowl to her lips and proceeded to drink the remaining milk though Lucius did not have any reason nor grounds to protest at such an action as his desire for the chocolate milk in his own bowl outweighed his sense of decorum and he soon followed suit.
With a "aah" of appreciation he placed his bowl back on the tray along with Hermione's and proceeded to drink the dark brown solution that he was assured was tea.
"Welcome to the lower classes Lucius."
Hermione said cheerfully raising her mug of tea as a toast.
"You will tell no one of this I have a reputation to uphold."
He said as he quickly pinned Hermione under him.
"Hmm now you are well and truly fifty how about we test your theory of sudden birthday related impotence, though from my current position and much to my current pleasure I will add that seems an unlikely outcome."
It was sometime later and as the newly wedded couple were lying in each other's arms well sexed and well fed that they heard two voices bickering outside of the flat in the hallway. (The walls of said small flat were very thin.)
"Potter are you sure that Granger lives here?"
"Malfoy she's my best friend of course I'm sure about her address. Besides why are you sure your father will be here."
"Because they are friends and if he has nothing else to do father bothers Granger. Plus they were spotted at a restaurant last night and if they go out he always ends up spending the night."
"Yeah right like your father even when drunk would spend the night in the less than glamorous location that is Hermione Granger's flat."
And so the argument between Harry and Draco continued. Meanwhile bored of the argument that was not interesting or explosive our favourite couple tuned out said argument and focused on making noise of their own. This would of course be the preferred and most enjoyable course of action if Harry and Draco had not chosen that precise moment to end their circular and pointless argument in favour of entering the flat.
Shouted all four voices at once.
"Okay this is precisely what it looks like, but there is a perfectly reasonable and legal explanation with all the right paper work and witnesses."
Stated Hermione in her most matter of fact tone despite the difficulty of having a handsome, naked Lucius on top with his impressive though admittedly flaccid cock inside her. Slowly and walking backwards due to being oddly enthralled by the scene in front of them Harry and Draco left the bedroom.
Once everyone was dressed and seated in the living room Hermione jabbed Lucius in the side in the most subtle way that only a wife can manage and Lucius in his most bored tone proceeded to explain the situation.
"Well Draco as you are no doubt aware of by now I decided to leave the manor earlier yesterday and arrived at Hermione's flat where I then sent an owl to her office requesting her presence."
"But father why Granger's flat?"
Draco said with wild hand gestures trying and failing to put his confusion into logical words that could be understood by normal human beings.
"Hermione promptly arrived home and after she changed we went out to dine before I took her to the records office at the ministry and I married her."
There was silence as Harry and Draco froze both with identical looks of pure terror and disgust. Of Draco and Harry it was Draco who recovered his cognitive brain function and with it his ability to speak first.
"Well Potter, Father, Mummy I'm off unlike some people I do have work to do today so I must take my leave."
And with that he left. Leaving the other three to wonder how he went from humorous frantic confusion to acceptance, Hermione mused it was just denial that caused him to push the less then pleasant in his mind incident out of his mind and retreat to his happy place.
"Malfoys. I'm surrounded by Malfoys."
Harry just continued to sit in a daze unable to proceed beyond the fundamentals of the situation.
"Well done Harry there are two people who have the name Malfoy sitting in my living room."
Said Hermione in the patronising tone one reserves for small sticky children it was accompanied by her clapping, if it was possible for a clap to be sarcastic this clap was.
"But. But. There are Malfoys at work, Malfoys out in public and now Malfoys are part of my family."
Stated Harry simply.
"Potter 50 points from Gryffindor."
Said Lucius in his best Professor Snape impression.
At this Harry sat up straight and blinked rapidly while taking in his surroundings.
"Right well I'll be off but you might want to tell the rest of the Weasley family unless you want to risk the wrath of Molly."
Harry rubbed the back of his neck while talking looking rather sheepish before taking his leave. Our duo turned to each other and simultaneously said, "Risk Molly." After which they promptly fell about laughing and decided that the only logical course of action for the rest of the day was to return to bed.