A/N – sorry for the delay in posting, I've had this chapter written for a bit, but couldn't get to a computer to get it posted. I'm a little nervous about this chapter, it's a little depressing for Sam, but I wanted to give an idea of what Andy's absence is doing to him, as well as give my opinion of how he has felt about Andy through the years. Also I drop the F-bomb in this chapter I hope that doesn't offend anyone but it felt right for where he was. As always read, enjoy, and review.
Disclaimer* spoiler alert – I don't own it…
Chapter 3: half a year later
Six months. It's been six months since I've seen her, 182 days since I've heard her voice, half a year since I told Andy that I love her.
And I'm miserable.
I had never been in love before Andy. Don't get me wrong I've had plenty of girlfriends in my life, I've even cared deeply about a few of them, but this...feeling, was completely new. When Andy literally came bargain into my life I knew that she was something special. Even in those few seconds after she broke down the door, before I made my way down the fire escape, I was captivated. She was obviously gorgeous, and just as obviously nervous...I could tell right off the bat that she was also obviously a rookie. But then this obviously gorgeous, nervous rookie surprised the hell out of me. Taking me down...ME! I had reminded her once before a undercover assignment that I was awesome, and she took me down, which of course meant that she was awesome...but I never told her that that's what I was thinking the whole car ride back to the barn, were Jerry would unknowingly blow my cover. I sat in handcuffs in the back of Ollie's patrol car, my informant to my right thinking, 'this woman is pretty awesome' I knew right then that she was going to make a great cop. But then I was pissed, I mean eight fucking months of my life wasted because some eager young rookie had something to prove. I remember lying in my own bed that night, which oddly felt strange, and all I could think about was this McNally, of course I told myself then that it was because I was angry with her; it had nothing to do with how beautiful she was. When I couldn't get to sleep that night, I convinced myself that it was because of the feel of my mattress being too nice and I had become accustomed to sleeping on a rock posing as a bed...definitely didn't have anything to do with that disappointed look she had sent me when I turned down her drink offer that night. No it couldn't be that because I didn't like her, so my plan was to talk to Boyko and become her TO so I could make her life a living hell...oh how that plan backfired.
I knew that night she chased me down in that damn parking lot outside of the penny that I found her attractive, who wouldn't? But man, I really wanted to kiss her...we agreed to disregard the almost...whatever it was, I told myself not to worry, she was young and beautiful and eager...what I was feeling was lust, I've been through that before...it would pass...but it didn't. No, the more I rode with McNally, the more I wanted to get to know her, to protect her, to be there for her whenever she needed me. Things were fine for a while, that lustful feeling decided to hang around, but she had Luke, so I knew that she was off limits...which, I told myself at that point, was good. It had to be that whole "wanting what you can't have" thing keeping these thoughts and feelings for my rookie from fading away. I knew that given enough time, whatever this was...it would stop.
It didn't, and then one night the lights went out in the city, and Andy killed a man...and I told her that I was there if she wanted to talk. Andy didn't want to talk, to say I was shocked to find one Andrea McNally standing outside my door, asking if I was alone, would be an understatement...but what happen next blew my mind. The moment her lips came crashing down on mine, my whole body lit up with an electric charge that could have powered the city of Toronto for a month. The feel of her pressed against me was indescribable, and as I laid her on my bed, the sensation of her skin...her barely covered chest touching mine...I became nothing more than nerve endings, all firing at once, trying in vain to put to memory the feel of this amazing woman beneath me. But just as quickly as whatever the hell was happing started...it was over. The lights came on and Andy remembered that she had a boyfriend...and that sadly, it wasn't me. I lay in bed that night, another sleepless one thanks to her, knowing that I couldn't be alone in what I was feeling. That whatever had happen, she had to feel that spark to. So even though she left, even though she didn't contact me during her time off, even though she was with Luke...things with her and I were going to change.
But of course they didn't, I was hurt, and maybe a little embarrassed...but mostly I just hated fishing cabins and I truly hated Luke Callahan. I tried to hate Andy I really did; but then there were bullets caught in vest, and collapsed laundry mats and...I kept trying to hate her, and almost did when Frank announced their engagement, but no matter what...she was happy, and I guess that's all that mattered. This time I told myself that it wasn't jealousy at Luke getting to spend his life with Andy that was making me feel this way, but rather, never getting to sleep with her...to you know get it out of my system...that's all. Nothing more. Nothing more but a missed opportunity at getting laid.
God I was so wrong. Of course the unbelievable wave of relief that washed over me at the news of Andy's relationship going to shit should have been my first clue that I felt something more for her then what I'd been telling myself...but, I was still in denial, still going through the motions with her. But what I was feeling, lying in bed alone after the first time with Andy would not be denied.
Coming together with Andy after all these years of wondering, thinking, yes even dream about it...was nothing like I imagined it would be...it was so much more. The moment Andy left my bed I missed her, needed her, and wanted her there. I wanted to feel her wrapped up in my arms and never let her go. I wanted to wake up beside her in the morning and fall asleep beside her at night, all the cheesy things those chick flicks show, I was picturing with her. When it came to making love to her...and for the first time in my life that's what had happened...I was insatiable, hooked, like some horny teenage that just had to have more. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks, or the lights being turned on, a veil was lifted, whatever lame cliché you want to say, that little voice in the back of my mind I kept silencing, spoke up loud and clear...I realized...
I was in love with Andy McNally. I had been for longer then I care to admit.
And it scared the living shit out of me. What was I supposed to do with that? I couldn't tell her...I mean...I had never said those words to a woman in my life...I definitely never felt them before. She was engaged to another man just a few months ago for God's sake! I decided to just push those feelings down, I would find a way to deal with them when I understood them better, knew what to do with them. Yes, until then I would do what I had been doing my whole life, push my feelings aside and focus on the here and now...maybe I would tell her later, when I knew what she wanted, when I found a way to say them out loud without being overcome with this crippling fear.
I wish I was there again, in that moment of realization. Maybe I would do things differently. Maybe I wouldn't hold back my feelings, or maybe I would say those three little words back to her when she said them the first time. I definitely wouldn't break up with her, and then turn around and ignore her. If I could see her I would just fall to the floor, begging her to try this again. I would hold her and never let her go.
But instead I was an idiot, a selfish man who let his fear and hurt keep him from happiness with the only woman I have ever loved, will ever love.
So here I am...missing her ,wanting her, needing her more than anything I can think of. Here I am...half a year later...with no end in sight. Siting on my couch with a beer in my hand, a memory in my heart, and a phone to my ear listening to a message I still can't bring myself to delete...
"Hey Sam it's me...Andy. Look I know your hurting..."