I hereby declare that I claim no rights to NARUTO © 1999 by Kishimoto Masashi/SHUEISHA Inc. and receive no monetary benefit for any narrative I publish hereafter based on this manga or any of its other media adaptations.
I was browsing on pixiv; saw a sexy pic of you-know-which-two; then got all hot and bothered...this is the result. Maybe after this I'll get over my writer's block and shit out some actual updates. Warning: there are some freaky positions in here. Enjoy some juicy genin smut.
"It's so hooooot," Naruto whines weakly.
"Shut up usuratonkachi," Sasuke almost slurs in reply.
"But I'm melting,"
"Then go to sleep,"
The blond flops back spread eagle on the grass beside his teammate.
They're sprawled on the west bank of the Naka River, watching a lone stork dip its long beach into the water. Or at least Naruto is.
His raven companion seems to be more concerned with nodding off. Because it is too warm. The sun is so bright and blindingly vivid as it bounces off the water's surface. He just wants to shut his swollen feeling eyes and...stop for a few moments.
Sasuke rolls over onto his side and...falls asleep again.
Naruto watches him with faded blue eyes, feeling a pleasant rush of peace at the sight of the Uchiha's softened features.
The blond still hasn't figured out why Sasuke agreed to sit here with him so easily. When he could have just refused and said he had better things to do. After all it was Sasuke's day off; his time away from Team Seven and away from him.
Outside missions, they have no obligation to hang around each other. When Naruto calls out to him; he doesn't have to answer.
Yet Sasuke hadn't turned away. Not saying no to the blond's request...not saying anything. He'd just strolled over and plopped himself down on Naruto's right. And kept him company.
Naruto wonders why.
It could just be that he's bored with nothing better to do.
Or maybe, just maybe, he might be feeling a bit starved for company himself. After all...Sasuke is an orphan too. Maybe Sasuke feels how he feels on hot, still days like this. Maybe the silence of his room is also too stifling and heavy, too lonely to stand.
Maybe he had known somehow, that Naruto would be here. Perhaps he feels the magnetism of the one person who bears a burden not too different from his own.
A wry smile teases Naruto's lips. That can't be. And if it is, there's no way he'll ever know for sure. He stares at Sasuke some more, bemused at the carefree expression on his face. Still unreadable. In his own quiet way, Sasuke is such an unpredictable person; you never know what he's really thinking.
Naruto really doesn't know all that much about him. Except that...
Sometimes, Sasuke can be a nice guy.
"Waaahh, this is great!" Naruto collapses onto the cool wooden floorboards, "your place has way better air conditioning than mine," he chirrups.
"What kind of hellhole do you live in?" Sasuke asks in weary disbelief.
Naruto just laughs in reply. And ignores the question.
But his laughter isn't a complete act; the blond is enjoying himself. He can't believe Sasuke invited him over to his place. Or rather, that he had allowed the blond to invite himself over.
Naruto had fully expected a flat-out refusal, and not...what Sasuke did. The blond had honestly been shocked when Sasuke tipped his head, signalling for him to follow. He had stood in the middle of the road like an idiot with his mouth open in surprise. Almost until Sasuke had walked out of sight.
As he had cautiously drawn up beside Sasuke, he had noticed the raven looking a bit peaky. His hair had hung unheeded over his forehead and his posture was slumped. He looked as if he were wilting...
"Whatever," Sasuke mumbles, snapping the blond out of his reverie. The raven lies flat on his back, staring at the ceiling.
After a few momemts Naruto mimics him. He places his hand on his belly and looks straight up.
In the prevailing quiet, Naruto's mind establishes a pleasant train if thought. He thinks of how he likes the ceiling's smooth, pale plane. He thinks of liking the way Sasuke's room smells and the way it makes him feel. He thinks of the cool floorboards and the drift in the air...the Uchiha's rythmic breathing.
It's soothing and lulling. And soon he is drifting...on a sea of smooth drafts.
He's dreaming...a pleasant dream. With lots of colours, bright and fluffy, and warm. He feels himself floating, naked in a bed of lovliness. It's enveloping his whole body, rippling and pressing and stroking at him.
There are...hands. Fingers. Threading through his hair and pressing the flesh of his inner thigh, slipping inside the cleft of his bottom, rubbing all his sensetive spots. All the right spots. The hands make him feel good, their stroking and petting is amazingly good. And pleasure blooms like a flare in his groin, as he rolls and writhes under their feel...
Sharp pain suddenly rips though the peaceful haze.
His name. Someone's calling him.
Who is it? Sounds familiar...
"Oi, Naruto, wake up," an annoyed voice says.
Blue eyes crack open and come into focus. Where is he? He doesn't recognize his surroundings. And he's lying down on some weird thing too lumpy to be a bed or futon.
"You dumbass, get off me,"
That voice, he'd recognize that irked tone anywhere.
"Sasuke..." he murmurs groggily.
He follows the direction that his voice is coming from...from underneath him?
Surprised, Naruto springs up and scrambles off a vexed Uchiha. How had he ended up sleeping on top of him? That must have really pissed Sasuke off.
Naruto could have sworn he looked angry, just a minute ago. But the expression Sasuke's making now is really weird, as if his tummy is upset or something. And what seems to be bothering him...is Naruto.
"What?" the blond asks.
Black orbs eye him shiftily.
"Why are you hard?" Sasuke finally replies.
The blond looks down...and screeches in dismay.
For he has a boner; a very large boner sticking up in his pants. Humiliated, Naruto frantically tries to cover it up. But the damage has already been done...Sasuke has seen everything.
"No self-control at all," he admonishes smugly.
"Shut the hell up! It's only natural! I'm a growing boy with normal needs," Naruto nearly shouts. The Uchiha only sighs and shakes his head.
"Hmph!" he scoffs.
This asshole! Always acting so high-and-mighty...it pisses Naruto off so much! He jusr wants to wipe that smarmy grin off the Uchiha's perfect little face. In outrage he blurts out the first thing that comes to his mind:
"Well I don't care what you think! And I'm taking care of this right now," the raven immediately sobers up, he looks alarmed.
You wouldn't dare...
Oh but Naruto does. He squarely faces the Uchiha and dips a hand down toward his crotch.
"What the - that's gross!" Sasuke cries, trying to catch Naruto's hand.
But Naruto has been anticipating that. He lets Sasuke grip his wrist...before jerking his elbow back and launching the Uchiha onto the floor, knocking the wind out of him. Sasuke immediatley turns over and tries to get up, but Naruto is too fast for him; the blond digs his knee deep into the raven's breastbone and pins him down.
"I'll just be a few minutes," Naruto insists softly, reaching for his groin again.
"Wait - no. Don't do it in front of me!" Sasuke wheezes. He can't get much breath due to the pressure on his diaphragm. He's forced to look straight into the blond's crotch as he touches himself.
"What are you doing..."
Naruto isn't listening. He watches the lips but ignores the words. He can't think, he won't. It's too hot in this room, too hot inside him - it's all to much to bear. All he wants...is some relief. He needs it now, and doesn't care if Sasuke gets freaked out or makes fun of him forever.
The blond grins wickedly. For some reason...the thought of having Sasuke look at him jack off is exciting.
Take a good look, Sasuke.
"Shut up and watch,"
He allows his hand to sneak lower and cup the bulge in his pants. Slowly he slides his fingers over his groin. The fabric hisses and whispers under his fingernails; a pleasant sound to match a pleasant feeling. They slip and spread to trace the shape of his erection through his trousers.
"Sssss..." his eyes never leave Sasuke's.
He is attentively drinking in the sight of his reclining teammate. Watching the black orbs dance erratically, wide in complete disbelief. It really...excites the blond. It makes him get harder and hotter.
So without thinking he inches backward...so his right knee spurs the valley of Sasuke's widespread thighs.
The raven's shorts are so loose they have ridden up. Starving blue eyes, he follows the supple line of Sasuke's calves, the crook of his knee... up to the thigh. He can see now, almost up to the crotch-line...creamy taut flesh shimmering with sweat.
His mind doesn't seem to register that this is a boy's body he's ogling. He doesn't care, to his clouded mind, flesh is only flesh. And Sasuke's is as smooth and inviting as any girl's. All of it. From his exposed navel to his toned arms; to the ivory tower of his throat. To his pouty, parted lips...
They're not Sakura-chan's but he still wants to kiss them. He imagines their soft push and pressure. His eyes trace their shape as his shaky fingers start fumbling with his zipper.
It parts, the digits slip inside; they stroke, they feel, so hot that it smarts. His vision blurs over. So good...so good.
"Naruto," comes a hoarse whisper.
"Yeah..." he croaks, more to himself than to the raven.
When the blond refocuses his eyes, he is rewarded with a vision of delight.
The Uchiha's black eyes are hot, they're burning; they're glued to Naruto's arousal; his teeth are digging into his lower lip, as if biting somthing back. His black hair is tousled, beautifully framing and sticking to his flushed face. Watching his left leg twitching and jerking in spasms, makes Naruto's cock throb. And right there, deep in the dip of his crotch, a very prominent tent has been pitched.
And the blond's eyes fall shut as his hand's furious pumping intensifies. The thought that he, Naruto, has aroused Sasuke to this extent is almost too much to stand. He can't believe that he's provoked such a strong reaction in the Uchiha; he feels like his head might burst.
Vivid colours blink dizzily in front of his eyes
So the blond barely hears it when Sasuke moves closer. His mind cannot process anything beyond sensation. He only feels a warm body press near and wrap an arm round his waist. Ragged breath ghosts over his moist, overheated skin.
And then there's a fist in his hair, rough tugging...a scorching hot mouth and a fiery cayenne tongue ravaging his lips.
Naruto moans loud against those perfect, perfect lips and comes long into his hand.
His back arches...almost snaps from the pressure of his orgasm. It drips through his veins like nectar, like sweet venom, slick and luxuriant in his muscles. Before he knows it his mind goes blank and numb.
"Naruto," out of the dark whiteness.
The blond's ears twitch.
Slowly, very patiently his vision returns.
In the meantime his entire body relaxes against Sasuke. He feels the erratic rise and dip of his breathing, his flesh, his warmth. Their bodies are too warm. Naruto feels sticky underneath his shirt...
Lips are pressing against the crook of his neck. They make sounds.
Swishing, swirly sounds. Wet and smooth. The blond angles his throat, wanting more. The Uchiha gives him more...he gives him his kisses. Sweet, soft kisses all over. Along his collarbone, the hollow near his right shoulder...right round to the other juncture, to suck at the pulse.
Naruto moans and cradles his head against Sasuke's own shoulder. Before long his tongue goes to work, feverishly slithering along the curves and dips of Sasuke's ear. He laps at the pulse-point behind it, tastes the tang of his sweat. So salty...his tongue goes numb as his passion begins to wax.
He wants to feeo Sasuke more. Naruto suddenly draws away and unzips his jacket, slips it past his shoulders. There's no shirt underneath, nothing preventing the baring of his nipples to the Uchiha.
"Here," he presents them as if in offering, to a spirit of sin.
Sasuke's breath snags in his throat. The hunger in him grows with his desire to devour the delectable nubs. Dusky pink on tan skin. But Naruto doesn't simply want Sasuke to make googly eyes at his nipples; he wants them fondled, he wants some heavy petting and groping.
"Feel." he demands impatiently.
He guides Sasuke's hands to his chest and presses the palms flat against his own flesh. He groans at their touch. They feel so slender and cool; cool white on his skin. It's a moment before Sasuke's long fingers begin to play with him. They knead and press; when they reach the nipples they pinch.
"Mmmmhh..." his muscles squeeze.
Naruto wants to touch Sasuke too...His eyes rove appraisingly over his pale body...to the erection straining in his shorts. He licks his lips. Slowly, as if in a trance, a tan hand reaches to cup the bulge and feel its warmth.
The Uchiha hisses in shock.
"Don't," he growls, catching Naruto's hand in a bone-mashing grip. Blue orbs eye him with longing.
"But - you're so hard." he can't take his eyes off Sasuke's hard-on, it looks like it might be painful to Sasuke. He wants to give relief, release.
But the Uchiha obviously won't let him. Maybe...he'll need more than just a handjob to be satisfied. Slowly the gears clunk into place. He figures out a solution.
Sasuke's eyes widen once he registers that Naruto is stripping.
What the hell...?
"Sasuke," he leans forward, the golden spikes tickle his face, "If you don't want my hand...if it's not enough, then...I'll give you all of me," Sasuke just sits there, mesmerised as Naruto's tanned body comes into full view. He can't believe what he hears next.
"I'll let you do it to me," Sasuke's insides twist into knots as he turns his face away. Lest he be tempted to baptize himself in the fires of his passion and be consumed.
"You cant - be serious," he mutters shakily. His body starts shivering despite the heat. Oh god it's everywhere, in the air and in his blood and in Naruto's hot fingers. He feels them grip his chin and turn his face toward those eyes.
Does Naruto know what he's doing, looking at him so beseechingly, does he realize the grave seriousness if what he wants Sasuke to do with him? If they keep going, they'll end up doing things they won't be able to take back. Yet the raven feels as if it is already too late. But he has to make certain. In a ragged growl, he asks one more time;
"Do you know what you're saying?"
The raven's eyes are torrid and cheeks are scarred with red, like wild roses on his fair skin. His skin.
Naruto often teases him about being so pale...just like a girl. The blond nearly laughs out loud at the irony of this situation. Under the current circumstances, he can be said to be the one assuming the "girl" role.
Will it hurt much?
After all, this will be his first time. But if it's with Sasuke...if it's with him, Naruto doesn't mind. Deep down, the blond knows he can trust him with his own life. He's already proven that he'll sacrifice it all...for his sake.
Always Sasuke. Only Sasuke.
There's nothing left to say.
"I want you to be inside of me," coming close, he whispers against smooth lips, "I want to feel you thrusting into me."
Tenderly...he kisses him. Slides his hands into pitch black hair, cradles his face. The Uchiha gently wraps his arms around his nude body, pressing so close to his chest, his beating heart.
Their lips part for a moment, only a moment as the Uchiha slips his shirt up and off. Naruto helps him dispose of his shorts and boxers. He's mother-naked as the day he was born.
Leaning his back up against a nearby wall, he beckons the blond to sit in his lap.
"Sasuke," he crawls forward on hands and knees, he nestles himself deep between the raven's spread legs. Shivers of ecstasy grip him when he feels cool hands grope at his ass.
"So soft," his hands spread the globes apart and a finger teases the entrance hidden between, "Will I really fit in there?" he wonders aloud.
Naruto wonders as well. Sasuke is pretty big...for such a small hole. Only one way to find out
"This way..." the blond murmurs in hopes that it won't hurt too much.
Swiftly, before he loses his nerve, Naruto graps the Uchiha's member and lines it up for penetration. Black eyes widen in dismay.
"Wait, you'll hurt yourself." Sasuke warns. But the head of his cock is already piercing through the blond's sphincter muscles. It already feels so good, and Naruto's so tight. The raven rapidly grows lightheaded.
"Stop," he says shakily.
"Shut up," Naruto hisses, pushing his bottom down further.
It's very uncomfortable...but not enturely unpleasant. Not as painful as he had tought it would be. Slowly it's going in, much better than he had expected. Already the ring is stretching. Bit by bit it's loosening up. Slowly he lowers himself, with steady pressure, giving himself time.
Until his rectum suddenly decides to yield and he unexpectedly plunges down on Sasuke's shaft with a surprised yelp.
"Oh my god," the raven gasps.
All the way in. All of Sasuke...it feels huge. It's spreading Naruto apart. This is intense and strange. To have Sasuke inside him, groaning beneath him, kneading his butt and trying (failing) to keep his hips from rolling up, deep. The blond tries to do his best to get used to him, but it proves to be more difficult than he had ever imagined.
"Naruto, don't squeeze down so hard," his face is a mixed grimace of pleasure and discomfort.
How on earth does Naruto do that? His walls are clamping and squeezing of their own accord.
"Okay," the blond decides to try anyway.
Easier said than done...especially in their current position. Naruto's body quakes with the effort of trying not to crush Sasuke inside him. Maybe if he tries switching it up to shallower angle, their fit won't be so tight.
So he leans backward and twists his body round, propping himself up with one arm. Sasuke stops thrusting long enough for him to get comfortable, and they settle into an odd position with their legs looking like two intersecting pairs of scissors.
The look in those blue eyes give Sasuke his answer.
He watches those eyes fly open wide as he starts boning the blond deep and slow. Oh the penetration is so much deeper than before. Naruto starts to choke and cry out, as every concious thought is driven out of his mind as pure sensation takes him over.
He props his foot up on the wall behind Sasuke, giving himself leverage to push back on the Uchiha's thrusting member. Feral moans escape from the blond's throat as he feels himself impaled violently; over, and over, and over. And the momentum increases...to a frightful pace.
Sasuke is moaning too, harsh and guttural, from deep in his thoat. The blond can feel his precum lubricating his insides, so his dick feels slippery. And slides in so good.
"Don't stop, Sasuke..." he pleads.
An urgent sound escapes his partner - lover, and the thrusts become rough. They noth know that at this rate, they'll fuck each other raw. Sasuke moves his cock around within and tries to find another, even better angle.
Then in a blinding flash, Naruto's body curls in on itself as a scream, an honest to god scream tears out of his throat.
He finds himself collapsed on the floor, twitching and panting shakily.
Beacuse just now, an excruciatingly intense, very uncomfortable...oddly pleasant sensation had rippled through his body. From somewhere deep in his bowels, deep enough to reach his soul.
Sasuke is looking at him strangely, with deep interest. He reaches out and grasps the blond's arm, and pulls him back into position. He wraps his arms around the blond and supports him, before entering Naruto again, carefully, slowly, and taking his time to find his place inside.
He gyrates his hips...rolling them up smoothly, until he once again feels the blond squeeze around him and cry out. He twists his hips and directs his thrusts towards Naruto's spine, rocking up into him hard and slow. He continues this ritualistic bucking; again, and again, and again; until nearly every push yields him a moan and a shudder from his lover.
"Is this place good for you?" Sasuke husks, not missing a beat in his sultry rythm.
Their faces are so close together, close enough to share a kiss. But not yet - no, not yet.
"Don't jab at it...smoother - " the blond replies. They rock into the wall, and Naruto finds himself sitting in the Uchiha's lap again.
He raises his leg over the raven's shoulder and braces his foot on the wall again, trying to dull the impact of the sawing thrusts poking his soft spot. Fortunately, Sasuke complies and slows his pace, working him more gently. For a few moments they are a tangle of dripping young flesh gyrating languidly in the summer heat, until -
"There, like that!" - until the Uchiha finds it, watches Naruto bite his lip and arch his back as he feels his sweet spot getting hit just right. Not that irritating poking, but a slick massaging motion...Sasuke's dick sliding smoothly against his prostate.
"So good..." the Uchiha groans.
The air is filled with a melody of wet slapping sounds.
"More..." he whispers near Sasuke's ear.
"Give it to me more," the blond cups his face and kisses him deeply, gyrating his hips, creating more friction.
It's too much for him.
Suddenly Sasuke is moving...is on his knees, with Naruto's right leg still hooked over his shoulder. He's hunched over the blond, laying him on his side. Then he's bucking and plunging himself into the blond's tight entrance, faster and harder than ever before. He moans and revels in the sweet sounds of his partner's pleasure.
"You like it like that?" he hisses.
All Naruto's muscles burn, his ass burns, his erection is on fire. He wants more, can't take much more of this brutal assault. They have to stop, yet they musn't stop, not when they're almost there.
"Almost there..." he whispers, before a pair of smooth lips smother his own.
And now the blond is on his back...his left leg is rising up, up onto the Uchiha's other shoulder. He feels his dick twist inside as his body rotates. The raven's lips leave him.
He opens his eyes and sees them hovering above, swollen and red...forming words.
His hips move.
He pushes deep.
He plunges straight down into the blond. It's slippery moist and the pleasure is sweet...sickly sweet. Naruto has little energy left to move against him, so he lays there, and strokes himself in time with their tempo.
His mewls float weakly in the air...into a hot mouth; Sasuke is kissing him again. And it seems his tongue is not to lazy to tango; it leaps and flickers against the raven's. Flirting, and dancing away when the other tries to ensnare it in a grapple.
He's shivering on the floor, nearly choking Sasuke between his legs. His walls are rippling, facilitating his impending orgasm, making Sasuke howl out and bite into Naruto's thigh - deep enough to draw blood. The blond's body judders at the sudden explosion of pain.
Blue eyes watch the raven lap at the spot with his tongue, red drops and red marks tainting the otherwise flawless skin. And Naruto feels it fizzle as the scars instantaneously heal, feels the demon's potent chakra trickle through his pathways. It feels incredibly good. The pleasure is wet, the pleasure is climbing.
The pleasure is blinding as he comes. Coming with his shoulder blades on the ground and the rest of his body in the air. He comes with a hysterical cry and a fire-fierce squeeze. And from somewhere above he hears a desperate gasp that cannot possibly be coming from a human's throat.
Naruto sighs when he fills a hot spill shoot up inside him a moment later. It stings as well as relaxes his worn-out flesh.
A heavy weight...Sasuke collapsing on top of him. His cheeks smooth and wet and throbbing with his rapid pulse.
And Naruto cannot believe...the realm he has entered into with his teammate. This can't be real. Not possibly. Feeling this good was not something that someone with his terrible luck would be blessed with.
The boneless limbs tangling with his, the soft hair tickling his cheek cannot belong to his friend. The laws of nauture should not allow it; for him to be associated with Sasuke of all people...like this.
But as the blond shifts his head and stares at the face so near, he begins to believe.
The narrow nose, and sharp half-lidded eyes, the curves and planes, the dips of his bones, the blue-tinted hair...it's undeniable. It's really him. Truly...
And his face fades to grey.
"My ass hurts," Naruto complains.
"I can't sit down right," he insists.
"Don't whine at me as if you weren't begging for it."
"But you didn't have to do it so rough!"
"You freaking dumbass; you wanted it rough. You asked me for more, don't deny it,"
The blond flushes crimson and for once falls silent.
That was true. If Sasuke isn't going to hide it, he certainly wouldn't let Naruto get away with denial. He doesn't know what to say, so he just sits there staring at the nude raven boy stretched out on his back in the middle of the floor.
"And at least you can still move. I've got no strength," the Uchiha grumbles,"I need a bath..."
The blond nods in agreement, "Yeah, me too. I seriously gotta clean up what you left in my - "
Sasuke turns to him and arches his brow appraisingly.
"What I left where?" the corners of his lips are curling into a tiny smirk.
He's flipping amused! Naruto can't believe he's acting so flippantly. As if it isn't a big deal that he's just fucked someone - another boy - up the ass! Isn't the memory of it flaring up in his mind?
The naked flesh, the indescribable heat, the rush of hormones and the pumping...isn't the mere thought of it making his mouth water and giving him the shakes...making his arousal awaken...
Sasuke's expression grows somewhat alarmed as he eyes the blond's growing hard-on.
"Wait...again?" he asks incredulously.
"Well I can't help it!" Naruto says indignantly, covering his crotch with both hands in his embarrassment. It's not his fault that Sasuje makes him feel this way.
"I like you..." he mumbles softly.
And Sasuke just looks at him. His soft dark gaze makes him squirm and fidget. Why does he always have to be so unreadable? Naruto wishes he could just take a peek inside the raven's head and see what he's realky thinking...because he's unwilling to ask outright, and risk getting rejected. And that would hurt, it would hurt plenty.
Because he'd have to acknowledge that he's made a mistake...and made an utter fool of himself in front of the person he's admired for nearly half his life.
"Hey, Sasuke..." he says to the relaxed boy in front of him.
"Hmm?" he replies.
How can Sasuke look so nonchalent at a time like this? He's looking at him as if he isn't covered in hickeys and bruises and dried cum. Isn't he all torn apart because of this? Or maybe he's just trying to hide.
Or maybe...he doesn't mind what's happened at all. Perhaps.
Naruto chews his lip almost to a pulp before finally plucking up the courage to ask the queation that's sizzling at the tip of his tongue.
"Do you like me?" quietly, eyes squeezed shut. Waiting...for an end.
It comes laced in the floating notes of Sasuke's low laugh. He looks up to see the Uchiha simpering at him...looking very amused as he speaks the magic words.
"I will if you take me to the bathroom,"
Blue orbs grow to the size of saucers. They stare. They dance.
A moment of silence passes before the blond pounces onto the raven, flinging his arms around him and planting a sloppy kiss on his forehead.
Sasuke's own gaze widens...before the lids begin to droop shut in his pleasure.
And he smiles into the soft lips that seal his in a kiss.
I bet you're thinking "How the shit did they suddenly end up making love? In so many positions?". I admit the plot was a bit crappy and made no sense (which is kind of the point of a smut fic) but I needed a quick excuse for them to sex each other up.
It took me ages to grind this out; that sullen crack-whore known as writer's block is currently beating on me in a smelly little alley with brass knuckles and a rusty metal pipe. Oh save me from the tetanus!
And the lambasting comments commence in three...two...one...