Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or . All rights remain. Written for fun, not profit.

The woman who was not a woman was a monster; he could tell because her teeth were far too sharp. He said as much, between his screams, and she made a funny face. The man laughed in reply:

Because he would die here.

Because no one would notice he was ever gone.

Because every monster could grin, too, from sharks to vampires, and wasn't that just a hoot.

The woman said her name was Drusilla and didn't ask for his. "Give you the one you were meant to be born with when we're through—shhh, now, my prince. Mummy will put a smile on your face soon enough."

She said:

"Put on a grin, but where?"


"Shall we put it here?"


"Or shall we put it there?"


"Or shall we put it everywhere?"


"Do you know what my mummy said once? She looked at my wee brother, all fresh and new and smelling like dead roses, and she said, 'but what a happy boy he was.' Because, he smiled. Such a pretty smile, filled with laughs and mockery. Stiff and still, he lay, because my last Angel came out to play and found him far too fragile a toy. Even beneath his white bonnet and wooden lid, he smiled. Isn't that a lovely story, my pet?

"It's alright, dearest—laugh if you want. It's funny, the voices all say so."

Her tongue traced—grins and scars and laughter and screams—his lips.

There was no blood anymore, so the monster pouted to break the kiss. Monsters don't drink from other monsters. And it was time for his lessons, anyhow. He enjoyed them more and more, every day.

His favorite class was Chaos.

"Oh, what wonderful messes we'll make, my pet," she told him, afterward, and painted him a picture of a beautiful corpse of a city, just as she painted his face with white cream. "But first, as every mummy knows, birds must be pushed from their nests." Her sharp nails scraped coal and smeared it around his eyes. "If they're ever to learn to fly." Her fangs grazed his lips, tugging them open so that she might color them with red. "And if your wings don't open, a crashing you will go, my laughing boy."

Drusilla paused and ran her hands down his arms to still him. Pride gleamed in her yellow demon eyes. "Mummy's little clown is off to school, and all day she'll be left alone to wait." She dabbed at nonexistent tears and then grinned brightly, holding his chin up in admiration of her work. "Now, now, it's not enough to simply smile. Show me your teeth, my Joker…Smile, just like mummy does. That's my boy—off you go…and remember what I taught you."

He looked out the door, at the city awaiting him. "Always leave 'em laughing."