Chapter 2: Just Listen to the Voice

We've gone over quite a few main characters already—there's Allegretto-chan and his little bro/anthropomorphized penis Beato, Polka with her magic sickness and bitchin twin tail drills, March (who is actually a main character and will come back in at some point), and the true main character of the story, Frederic Chopin, also known as Shopan, also known as Shimapan by some assholes, namely Allegretto-chan.

But for every hero there's got to be a villain, and who fills that post better than Waltz himself?

Waltz is a child king, or actually a child count, but that sounds dumb so we'll call him a king. He has something to do with mineral powder, which is apparently evil, which by extension makes him evil too. He lives by himself in a big castle and sits in a big throne and wears a silly puffed hat on his head. Basically, Waltz is a huge spoiled dick.

Waltz also has a lot of minions, and they all have names and turn out to be bosses. There's the Monocled Asshole, Fugue, whom Shopan and Polka had the misfortune of meeting already; Tuba, who they'll meet pretty soon; and Legato, who is some minor looking dude with an unassuming manner and dangerously pointy facial hair.

There's nothing much further to say about Waltz, besides the fact that he's a dick with some power problems and wants to ruin the lives of his people.

Fugue arrives to report his failure in seeing a glowing agogo to Waltz, who is not pleased. He is both parts glad and bitter he didn't take the top hat from the silly man—Waltz would have ripped him apart, but then at least it'd help him feel better about the whole thing. If only he knew glowing agogos were attracted to lolis.


Shopan and the party arrive in Chorus Plains, where they get back attacked a lot by the scary fiery goats with wings and halos.

"Fucking goats!" Allegretto-chan cries when he tries to outrun one for the umpteenth time and fails.

All these goats are reminding Polka of Soup. She always makes her soup with goat meat and cheese.

Viola also kind of reminds Polka of Soup. It's probably just because of the goats. Viola is in her twenties and a bamf and actually has breasts and raises goats and practices archery in her spare time (which is a lot), and she also has a partner pet squirrel thing named Arco which everyone promptly forgets exists. She has a lot of things to say about Count Waltz as well, most of it flavorful explicatives that forces Polka to cover Beato's ears.

"You're going to Forte huh? I've got a few words to say to that ass-cheeked bastard." She cracks her knuckles. "The fucking dickwad is turning us into monsters! He's fucking ruining my business, let me tell you! A bunch of my poor little goats got killed because of that asshat!"

Allegretto-chan, Shopan, and Polka give each other glances and shift in their seats uncomfortably. They're almost certain they've been the ones killing her goats, but they're perfectly happy to let Waltz take the blame. Viola's wrath is terrible, and they'd rather not risk it because she can kick their ass no matter how high of level they may be.

They end up taking the road through Fort Fermata, which is annoying because of all the stupid rats and magic zombies they have to fight while also trying to figure out which paths lead where and which levers not to pull in order to get out. When they do manage to find the boss and get the key to main door, they trek their way back through the puzzle again, unlock the door, and find themselves back in the same long hall where they just fought the boss.

"Shit!" says Allegretto-chan. "Don't tell me we could have just walked down and unlocked it!"

"Fucking cameras," Viola sighs. Beato is a little indignant and hugs his camera with a pout.


Somewhere else, a man with a short black ponytail and outrageous yellow rainboots is speaking. His name is Jazz, and he is the sexiest man in the world. Most of the sexiness is due to his voice, which is deep and reverberates through your very soul and is voiced by George Nakata. He is the evolved form of Allegretto-chan and Beato—which is to say, he is basically an older Allegretto-chan with a dick who is actually cool. Having missed out on a childhood without a penis, the newly-evolved Jazz decided to time travel back in order to create the harem he's always longed for. Considering how the entire universe has fallen for him and his voice, I'd say it's working.

There are two girls with him, a snarky grey-haired one and a beautiful one with delicate pink drills, but right now no one is paying attention to anything but Jouji's voice. Everyone in the world rolls on the floor with delight until at last Jazz stops talking and returns to Shopan & Co, who have arrived in Forte at last after more goat-dodging bullshit.

Some unimportant stuff happens and they attempt to enter the castle to fulfill their mission and speak with Waltz, but they're stopped by a fat man with an eyepatch and an oversized neckpiece that covers his mouth but unfortunately does not muffle his booming voice. Shopan & Co have finally had the misfortune of meeting Tuba.

Beato gets the brunt of the misfortune, though.

"Hey, we just want to go in and talk!" he cries, the poor misguided soul. Tuba, being the asshole that he is, slaps Beato in the face.

"Oh shit, no one gets to slap my Beat but me," says Allegretto-chan darkly. Everyone else feels the same way, and their overwhelming hatred for Tuba right now is almost intimidating, if he didn't have the power to send them to the dungeons. Which he does, laughing heartily. He is a disgusting shotacon, which he discovered just now after becoming aroused by the Beato-slapping incident. He's not very good at keeping it a secret, although he tries.

Fortunately, all the other shotas and lolis to be had are either Waltz, or are in the dungeon (Tuba knows better than to mess with Waltz, although it's very tempting). A little girl with flaming red hair greets them by steadily managing to offend everyone in the party. Her name is Salsa, and she's a little cranky because she's lost her hat and now she wants it back. She senses that it's close.

"Hey you! Wing guy! Give me back my hat!" She clambers all over Allegretto-chan until she snatches her hat back. She's in love with her hat and has eyes for no one else. It's been her steady and faithful companion through the years, and with it nesting on her head she once again feels complete. Satisfied that she's offended everyone at least once, and deciding it might be a bad idea to keep calling Viola and old lady, she settles for teasing Beato.

Allegretto-chan opens the door, which had actually been unlocked this whole time, and the party, which is now way too full by Allegretto-chan's standards (he still thinks it should be only him and Beato and Polka), proceeds to leave the jail through a secret underground passage through the mountains. Jazz, Falsetto, and Claves are conveniently waiting for them when they reach the other side, and they seem to recognize Salsa as one of the guardians of Agogo Forest.

Salsa then flashbacks to a time when she was even more loli. She remembers how she was thrown into jail in the first place, and everyone gets buttmad all over again at Tuba, even if he wasn't the one explicitly at fault (Tuba is always at fault). Jazz and his harem join them but aren't accessible as party members yet, because Jazz is such a tease, and they make their way back toward Viola's house for some reason or another, probably to check up on her goats.

It is here, on the way back through Fort Fermata, that Allegretto-chan decides to confront Shopan about his motives for traveling with the party (he's too close to Polka, dammit).

"So Shimapan, what are you doing here anyway? I mean, not that I'm trying to pry." He totally is though, with his hands thrown behind his neck as if he couldn't care less, while shooting a sneaky sidelong glance. "If you want to keep it to yourself that's fine too."

Shopan freezes like a rabbit caught in headlights. Suddenly he's thrown into some weird, inner monologue, where he debates the existence of grand European cities such as Warsaw and Paris ("Does that mean they do not exist? Wait! No! Surely they do, I've been there, I've seen them with my own eyes, there can be no question about it!") but then also the unmistakably close parallels between his dream and his own reality ("But if it's so ambiguous, then which one is real?") and in the end manages to irreversibly confuse himself and concludes that there is only one truth and that truth is that he is a famous composer named Frederic Chopin. He has a conductor's baton to prove it, and feels slightly better about himself. He doesn't realize he's said everything out loud, and now everyone is staring at him with varying degrees of confusion, revulsion, and blankness on their faces. Allegretto-chan regrets asking for various reasons, not least of which is the awkward realization that Shopan's monologues kind of turn him on.

"Um, right," he says, clearing his throat and shuffling his feet. "Let's uh, get going then." Beato follows behind, rather stiffly.

They stop once more in the center of the bridge, which seems like a pretty bad place to stop considering the hundred or so foot drop to the rapids below. The bridge is pretty sturdy, but you never know when someone might come along to destroy it. But Beato has some questions concerning the plot, and everyone stops for a moment to try and figure it out before explaining it to him.

Tuba, who has been secretly stalking Beato since they left the capital, dashes out at what he finds to be an opportune moment. Caught completely unprepared, he forces the two lolis (Beato is of loli status) to fight him with only Viola as the resident badass around to help. Everyone else sits around and seethes, hating him for making the most useless member fight. And when he loses and determines all hope is lost and Waltz will never love him again ever and breaks the bridge in a suicide mission, everyone hates him ten times more. Because from this point on, their party becomes separated, forcing the four weakest members to fight the strongest enemies of the game in what is quite possibly the most bullshit area ever.

A/N: So this is going to be pretty short because I'm just going through all the chapters from the game (there are like, 7 or so?) but yeah if anyone is actually reading this, I would love your reviews! :D