The first time Kaidan Alenko discovered he had special powers he was terrified. He'd accidently lifted a book from his desk without thinking about it and it shocked him so much he curled up on his bed with his hands under his legs. He thought there was something wrong with him, that his parents would send him away, so he told no-one. Once he'd calmed down he wondered if he could do it again, with a little concentration he raised a pencil from the floor. While it still scared him it also excited him. So he practised when no-one else was around until he could easily lift small object with a flick of his hand. But still he told no-one.
The first time he discovered he could throw someone was quite by accident. A boy at school had been picking on Kaidan's best friend Josh for a long time, he wasn't a big boy but he was aggressive by nature. One day he went too far, knocked Josh to the ground and started kicking him. There were no teachers or adults around and Kaidan only meant to push him away, but as he raised his hand to grab the boys arm his power flared and the boy was tossed a short distance onto the grass. He wasn't hurt and Kaidan was more terrified, but the consequences were yet to come. School was different after that, people were different and his friends were different. He spent more time alone.
The first time his parents discovered he had powers his mother cried and his father just sighed and hung his head. Biotics they told him, because of something that happened to his mother while she was pregnant. They didn't know how to help him, not much was known about his condition. But they still loved him, still treated him the same but were very careful who they told. In the end it didn't matter, the day he came home from school and saw the two men in suits sitting in the lounge room he knew his life was about to change, and not necessarily for the better.
The first time he met Rahna he thought he'd met an angel. She was like him, she was just as scared as he was to be dragged to this place out in space. He smiled at her and she smiled back, her beautiful face shining like the sun, her eyes drawing him in. The more time they spent together the more he came to care. She made him laugh in what was a dark place. He welcomed the training, he wanted to know how to control his abilities, but it wasn't a nice place to learn. Rahna was the only bright spot in his life.
The first time he killed someone was also the day he lost Rahna. He'd done it to help her, to protect her, but he scared her. He scared himself, he scared many people that day and the consequences again changed his life. Rahna was gone, the training was gone, everything was gone and he went home.
The first time he left home willingly he was angry, hurt and lonely. His parents had welcomed him back but he didn't fit anymore, it was as if they didn't know who he was, he didn't know who he was. He needed to find out. He needed to deal with his guilt, his loss of the girl he believed he loved, he needed to learn to control his ability without hurting anyone else. So he wandered, picking up odd jobs, practicing his skills when he could, constantly moving from place to place until finally he found another skill he was good at. He had a natural talent for anything technical so he jumped at the chance to study and eventually he had something he could build a future on.
The first time he saw a recruiting poster for the Alliance he felt a sense of right, a sense of somewhere he could belong. He enjoyed the physical side of being a marine, the sense of achievement when he got almost perfect scores on his tests and the sense of family. His biotics were considered an advantage, not something to be hidden away in a dark corner and he finally felt at ease using his power for good.
The first time he saw Commander Shepard was on a news report about the attack on Elysium. A reporter had managed to get through the protective ring around her and was speaking directly to her. Kaidan looked up and was blown away by the woman on the screen. She was small, athletic, beautiful, her dark hair framed her face and her green eyes looked directly at him, at least that's how it felt. She was bruised and obviously tired and her strength was evident, but she was holding back grief, guilt and more. His heart went out to her and he hoped that one day he would get to meet her.
The first time he saw the Normandy he felt pride and awe. He had been selected to serve on this ship, she was special and that made him feel a little special. From the moment he stepped onto her deck he knew he was home. She was the most elegant, sexy ship he had ever seen and he welcomed her into his life
The first time he met Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau he knew he'd found a friend. He didn't pity him for his disease or feel sorry for him because he couldn't walk without aids. He admired him. Joker had got past the doubters and disbelievers and proved that he was more than his disease, Kaidan was sure there was pain and heartache along the way but that helped to make him the man he was. As much as Joker tried to keep people away, avoiding their pity and sympathy, Kaidan discovered a man with a soft heart, a wicked sense of humour and a caring soul.
The first time Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko met Commander Karra Shepard he lost his heart. All it took was one look in her green eyes and the touch of her hand and he knew he would never look at another woman. He felt like a part of him that was missing had come home. Once he got over his initial shock at the feelings she aroused he saw her strength and capacity for caring that was unusual in a warrior of her calibre. When she was given command of the Normandy and came to him for advice he saw the vulnerability she hid so well. After Virmire he shared her pain and tried his best to take it away.
The first time he realised he was in love with his CO was the same time she admitted she loved him too. His world spun out of control and he willingly went along for the ride. Stolen moment became precious memories as everything around them turned to chaos.
The first time he kissed Commander Shepard he felt like gravity had ceased to exist and the world around him disappeared. The first time he made love to her he found paradise. It could have been his last moment alive and he cherished the time they laid together, discovering each other's bodies, making their love real. He hoped for a future that held both of them, but he was a soldier, a warrior who knew how quickly things could change.
The first time he lost her he didn't want to live. How could he live in a world of darkness, she was his light and she was gone. He suffered the guilt of leaving her behind. The world outside became meaningless, the people around him just shadows that passed him by. He buried himself in memory just as they buried Shepard, he lost his sanity to despair, his mind to debilitating grief and anger. He lost months of his life before Joker found him and dragged him kicking and screaming back into reality. He wanted to hate Joker, but he couldn't, Shepard would be angry at him for that. She was only doing her job and so was he. When he gained some sense of sanity he realised that Joker was suffering too so they helped each other come to terms with their grief, sometimes slipping backwards sometimes moving forward. But one day Joker left and Kaidan had to continue alone, so he did.
The first time he got Shepard back was also the day he lost her again. She was standing before him, different but the same, her green eyes imploring him to believe her. But he couldn't. He couldn't wipe away the years he suffered after her loss, the despair he'd felt at having to go on alone. Doubt ate away at him and he couldn't stop his anger from lashing out, from hurting her. He saw it in her eyes and he felt his own heart break as he walked away. But he couldn't live without hope so he'd apologised, it was a confused, mixed up apology and thankfully she read between the lines.
The first time he almost died was also the day Shepard came back into his life and it was also the day everything went to hell. He still wasn't sure, he doubted but her eyes told him the truth and he knew he couldn't stop what he felt for her. He loved her with every inch of his being and the sound of her screaming his name was the last thing he remembered. Until he woke up and realised there was hope, that she still cared. But there was a war on and she was on the front lines.
The first time he pointed a gun at the woman he loved he struggled to understand. Her green eyes pleaded with him to trust her, believe her. So he did. He knew that any future with her hinged on that moment. The warmth and love that shone in her eyes was all he needed, he knew he had done the right thing. There was light in his life again, the darkness faded and his heart finally allowed itself to heal.
The first time he sat by her bed after she had destroyed the Reapers he cried. She had barely survived, been unaware of the months he had been gone, trying to get himself, her ship and crew home. She had sent him away, saved him and he had fought so hard to get back, to know if she was still waiting for him, to know if there was still light in his world. She looked so fragile, so broken. He touched her hand reverently, she was the saviour of them all, she deserved some happiness, some peace. He promised her that if she woke up he would make sure she had that.
The first time Kaidan saw her open her eyes he sobbed tears of relief. He had started to believe the doctors when they told him she may never wake up. He spent hours talking to her, crying to her to come back, to give him the chance to make her happy, to come back to him so he had a reason to live. One look at those green eyes and he buried his face in her neck and allowed his tears to flow as her hand found his and never let go.
The first time Kaidan saw Shepard in a dress was on their wedding day. He couldn't breathe. She walked towards him a vision of beauty, her green eyes shining with tears and a smile on her lips that melted his heart. He took her hand in his and promised to love her forever, as if he really had a choice in the matter, and she promised the same. He kissed her that day and every day after, each one as precious as the very first one.
The first time he held his daughter in his arms he cried tears of joy. He couldn't stop the protective feelings that washed over him as promised her he would watch over her. He smiled at his wife as she cried with him, their love as strong and as obvious as the day they met. Everyone around them felt it and went away feeling a little brighter.
The first time he held his son in his arms he smiled through his tears at his daughter who wanted to nurse her brother. He laughed at her eagerness and crowded onto the bed beside his wife, wrapping her in his free arm while she held their daughter. They welcomed the new addition with laughter and tears and as he met his wife's green eyes he realised that he had a perfect life.
The first time he watched his wife hold their grandson he realised just how lucky he was. She raised her head and smiled at him as if reading his mind, he was pretty sure that after all these years she probably could. He loved her now more than ever if that was possible and he knew she loved him. He walked over, took her in his arms and kissed her like it was their very first kiss and he felt gravity fail as he always did.
The first time he lied to Karra was also the day he left her. He promised he would wait for her and they would go together but his body refused to obey his commands. His last words were whispered but she heard them, she kissed him and let him go, hanging on to his last words, knowing he would keep them.
'I'll be waiting.'