So here it is, another chapter and everybody's having fun, look to the future now, it's better than chapter oooooneee…..
Yes I am singing a modified Christmas song in my head, and no I don't care. I'm that cool :)
"Hand me the cereal" I said, holding my hand out to Nate. Dad came hurrying down the stairs shirtless.
"Have you seen my shirt?"
I looked at Nate, he was smiling at the sight of dad rushing around; he was still getting used to the difference between dad at home and dad at work. After all, it had been a good couple of years since we had last gone out.
"On top of the draws in the spare room" I told him, I had seen it last night whilst printing off schoolwork.
"How did it get up there?" dad muttered on his way out of the room "Do you two need a lift?"
"Nah, we're cool walking" Nate shouted his hand brushing mine as he reached over for his tie. Tomorrow was the day his brother died, even though it had been a while it was still hard for him, wounds like that never heal. I saw that when Sam died, Finn was a mess for months. We both had a free period this morning and I was thinking I might see if I could get him to open up; he needs to talk about things.
"We better be going" I said, I seem to be much more conscious of times and so much more anxious about everything. I hope the medication sorts everything out, I don't know how long I can bear feeling like this. The voices had stopped for now; the medication took them away, offering me some degree of relief.
"Do you remember the first day I came back?" Nate said suddenly "You never told me what happened with the drugs. Not properly"
He looked at me with a careful expression, surveying me. I subconsciously squeezed his hand which was held in mine, I could feel the anxiety soar at the mere memory of the drugs. I was still experiencing the withdrawal process and I wasn't pleasant.
"Not now Nate" I pleaded, speeding up "I can't talk about it."
Nate stared at me for another second or so, deciding whether to push the subject before sighing and giving in. "But promise me you'll tell me one day josh, please?"
"I'll try" I wasn't going to promise him anything, I don't know if I can tell him. I don't know if I can stand the fact that while he was sleeping rough trying to find me, I had fallen apart and I let myself become dependent on drugs. My life had flown off the rails big time. I don't know if I'll ever get back on the right road, I'll take it one step at a time, take it slow.
"Alright mate?" I felt a hand slap down on my shoulder a split second before I heard him
"You okay now mate?" He asked seriously, his eyes furrowing slightly in worry
"Yeah, I'm cool" I said as we stood outside the classroom, waiting to go in "Where's Trudi?"
Finn grinned at the mention of her name, I imagine it's a similar look to the one I give at the mention of Nate. "She's going to spend the morning doing a hotel management course, she's been wanting this for ages"
"That's well good"
"I know" I swear Finn said that a little smugly "Mate, where were you on saturday? I rang you loads but you didn't answer"
I turned to look at Nate and I could feel myself blushing as I remembered our steamy night. I knew I was smiling like a lunatic but I don't care, it was amazing. Nate was amazing.
"You didn't?!" Finn laughed "Aw mate, get in there"
His reaction was a far cry to the one he had all those years ago when I kissed him, for the first year he was awkward around the subject of me being gay but then he got used to it, just like dad.
Nate leant in and kissed me, lost in the moment, our hands still entwined. His lips were salty and I could still taste the orange juice from this morning. It was kinda nice really.
"In you go" My dad's voice broke through the haze that was starting to cloud my thoughts, but this time it wasn't drugs, it was Nate. We kept our lips together for a couple of seconds more, aware that the entire class was looking at us through the window, but then we broke off. Smiling at dad's slightly awkward expression we entered the classroom and took our seats.
Xxx Later on xxX
"So, put your school ties on as blindfolds. We're going to develop your typing skills" Miss Boston ordered in her usual military fashion.
I leant over and undid Nate's tie, placing it over his eyes and securing it around his head. He grinned and blindly tried to do the same to me, poking me in the eye in the process.
"I'll do it" I said, pushing his hands onto his keyboard. I untied my tie and tied it over my eyes, watching the world turn black.
"Now" I hear Miss Boston's voice clearly "Place your fingers over the middle row of keys and begin to type"
I started to type, but then the anxiety started. My heartbeat started to rise and I felt trapped, the feeling of anxiety suffocating me slowly. I knew I needed to get out, to see again. My head felt odd, like it was spinning and I felt lightheaded.
I stood up suddenly, ripping my tie from my head and wincing as the light hit my eyes
Run, get out of here.
Go, It's Nikki, she wants to hurt you. She lies to you, all the time.
One by one the voices start returning, instinctively I brought my hand to my head and clutched it gently. I didn't know what to do, the conflicting emotions inside me were getting me confused and the more confused I got, the more anxious I got.
"Josh?" Miss Boston asked, her forehead wrinkled in worry and confusion as she came towards me.
"No!" I said, flinging my arm out and pushing her away, not noticing the rest of the people in the common room looking at me strangely. "Get away from me!"
"Okay!" she said, backing off and holding her hands up slightly.
I suddenly became aware of Nate's hand on my arm
"Did you take your pills today Josh?" he said in a hushed whisper
I somehow manage to shake my head, but the fear of taking them suddenly grips me.
Don't take them, they're poison
You don't need them, they just want to hurt you. Trust me, I've heard them whispering, talking about you behind your back. They think you're crazy…
I ran from the room, not stopping until I reached the bathroom. Throwing open the door I didn't even stop to check if it was empty. I took the little white box from my pocket and took two tablets from it, popping them into my mouth and shoving my head under the tap, gulping them down with water. I splashed water over my face too, in an effort to get my head under control. Hearing the toilet flush behind me, I hastily exit the room and go out into the corridor. I remembered that dad had a free period now and so his classroom wouldn't be in use, dad's room was a place where I could go to get my head back under control without fear of being disturbed.
By the time I have made the decision to go, I find myself already outside the door to the empty classroom with my hand on the handle.
Once I was inside the cool, silent classroom I could feel my thoughts slowly getting back to normal as the tablets began to work, slowly the voices got quieter. I sat on the floor out of view, leaning against the wall and brought my knees up to my chest and running my fingers through my hair. I can't believe how much of a mess my life has become, how could it be that a mere year ago I had been happy and normal? What had happened? How did I let my life get so bad? My throat began to close up slightly as I felt raw emotions rip through me, just the thought of living the rest of my life like this made me feel so hopeless, so filled with dread that all I want to do is curl up and cry. How could things get so bad so quickly? My thoughts feel hazy all the time, even the medication can't clear it up. The only thing holding me down to reality was Nate, he made everything feel better. I longed for the security of my dad, I wanted him to be here. It was like being a little kid all over again, craving the comfort of your mother. But I don't have a mother any more, she broke off all contact with me last year when she met her new man.
The tears stared to fall, hot angry, sorrowful tears. Tears that held so many emotions in each drop, and once they'd started I couldn't stop them. My whole body wracked with silent sobs, each one a cry for help, help from this trapped world I lived in.
The door to the room swung open, and I didn't notice until it was too late.
"Josh?" dad said in shock as he took in my pitiful position on the floor "josh, what's wrong mate?"
I shook my head as a sob escaped from my lips the tears falling freely now "I don't know" I managed to choke out
Dad lowered himself and sat next to me on the ground, he lifted up his arm and placed it around my shoulders, pulling me towards him.
"I don't know anything anymore" I cried into the comfort of his chest "What's happening to me?"
Dad looked down at me with a heartbroken expression "I didn't tell you everything josh, I stayed behind to talk to your doctor" He paused as if he were finding the right words "He said it's schizophrenia. I didn't tell you before because I didn't know how to tell you. How could I? You and Nate were so happy, I never knew it was this bad though"
I looked at him, my world freezing before seemingly crashing down around me; schizophrenia, that was another word for crazy wasn't it? Schizophrenics were crazy people who were in mental hospitals, not teenage boys. Then the fear set in, I felt cold all over. Dad squeezed my shoulders harder, pulling me into him even more.
"I'm scared dad"
"I know son"
Xxx That evening xxX
"Schizophrenia?" he repeated in shock
I tapped my foot up and down fast against the floor, hiding my nerves and trying to gain a small amount of composure back.
I can't believe that this could happen to me, I mean, you hear about other kids getting ill with things like depression and bipolar disorder, but I'd barley ever heard of schizophrenia. People with schizophrenia are crazy…phsyco's…
"Yeah" I mumbled, letting out a small laugh at the whole situation. Not that it is anything to laugh about
"Oh josh" he said, his mask of shock changing into one of sympathy and care. He rose from the sofa and perched on the arm of the armchair in which I was sitting. He reached over and put his arm around me, and as soon as his soft skin touched my arm I felt my composure slipping. "I'm so sorry"
He tucked my head under his chin and buried his face in my curly hair
"Nate, I can't handle this" I whispered softly, grasping onto his hand as if it were the only thing anchoring me to the world. "I'm crazy"
"No you're not" He protested "Don't you ever think that!"
My whole world had come crashing down all around me; my dad thinks I'm crazy, my friends think I'm a druggie, and my boyfriend probably wants to run away screaming. I would if I could.
"You can go if you want" a tear slipped out of my eye as I felt the last of my resolve disappearing.
"I'm not leaving you josh, I'm never leaving you again" he said passionately. "I left you once without any choice in the matter, I'm never letting that happen again, do you hear me?" I smile in relief; Nate was my constant now, the only person I can trust to look at me and see josh, not this schizophrenic stranger that invaded my body and filled my ears with voices.
"You can't possibly tell me that this isn't a shock to you" I said rationally, it had been a shock to me too. "I understand if it's changed your opinion on me"
"Nothing could ever change my opinion on you Josh, you should know that by know" He protested, bringing my head round to look at his handsome face.
"I know I'm just being silly" I said, stroking his jawline in utter amazement; he was so perfect. "But I love you Nate, I couldn't stand to be apart from you"
Nate smiled and kissed me quickly
"I love you too" He replied, before sliding down off the arm of the chair and onto my knee, kissing me passionately.
All I could think about was him, nothing else mattered for now.
Hope you enjoyed it! :) My twin Sophie thinks she could do a better job than me, but I don't think so! We all know I'm the best!