A/N: This ones for MC-Aitlyn who requested a little something about Britta's terrible history with men. Hope you like it!
Jeff had already made the mistake of sitting down at the study room table before he bothered looking away from his phone. At that point it was too late and he couldn't pretend he hadn't seen Troy laying his head down at the opposite end of the table sporting a black eye and a tear strained face.
"Oh no," he said, "I just remembered I've got something somewhere else to do that's totally real and requires my immediate attention." He stood up as quickly as possible and headed towards the study room door. Troy sniffled loudly but otherwise didn't do anything.
Jeff stopped when he was at the door and turned to stare at him.
"I'm leaving," he said firmly. "Don't try to stop me!"
A small blubbering sound left Troy's mouth. Jeff sighed.
"Fine!" he threw his bag back down on the table, "If you're going to force this on me I'll ask! What's the matter?!"
"Wait," Troy said scratching his head, "the one with the orange Mohawk and the tattoos on his face, or the incredibly handsome guy in the suit?"
Britta snorted. "Do I look like the kinda girl who'd date some tool in a suit?"
"No. What was I thinking? It's not like you're a crazy person." Troy said. He tried not to stare to much at the tattoo riddled man trying to force his way into a nearby locker with a screwdriver, just in case the guy turned around and noticed a witness. "What do you see in…Britta?"
Britta was leaning against the wall they stood behind, and twirling a strand of her hair between her fingers with a look that made Troy's stomach all tingly. Though to be perfectly honest he'd eaten a lot of taco that morning with Abed and most of the faces Britta made, made him feel tingly.
"Huh? What?" Britta said, snapping out of whatever spell she'd been under. Troy stared at her silently, trying his best not to pout. He was a man after all.
"What was that?"
"Nothing!" Britta said, "I was just looking at him. You know, observing, studying, psycholo…ging him—it's not a crime, okay!"
"No, but I'm pretty sure that it." Troy gestured to Mohawk-guy as he shoved hand full's of crayons from the locker into his pockets.
"Yeah, it sure is." Britta said with a soft sigh.
"I don't get it," Troy said, laying himself down on the couch in the study room. "Is it the hair? Is it the nose piercings? Because I don't think I can pull one of those off, my nose is way too cute and button shaped."
"Troy, you do realize that your little love affair with Britta is at the bottom of the list of things I care about, right?" Jeff said, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Do you think I could pull off a face tattoo? I know you shouldn't mess with perfection but maybe just something on my left side you know, so I can leave my good side alone."
"Are you even listening to me?"
"Well, I shouldn't say good side. Better side really—"
"Troy, you do remember I used to bang Britta?"
"Yeah, and apparently you're the most sane, drug-free, selfless, caring, non-criminal dude she's ever been with. Not including shirtless-hippy from our first year. And even he turned out to be evil song writing genius."
"That's actually really pathetic." Jeff said, placing his hand on his chin. He was getting pretty good material to use against Britta later…
"I mean, how am I supposed to compete with guys like that? I get the heebie jeebies when Abed and I watch two movies in a theater when we only paid for one! And even though Pierce keeps saying it's a lie, I've never even stolen a car! Her ex-boyfriends would probably eat me alive."
"Come on, how bad could her ex's be?"
"Oh my God, Troy, get down! Don't look!" Britta said. She grabbed Troy shoulders and pushed him down onto the cafeteria table, throwing her arms over her hair as she laid her head down.
"Britta? What's going on?"
"Shh! Just don't move!" Britta whispered.
"Is a nuke about to go off? Because I'm gonna need to get to Abed in that case before the zombies start taking over."
"No, it's way worse. Now, shh!"
"Is that you, Britta?" A voice said from behind them.
"Crap," Britta said, sitting back up. "Hey...Uh…Michael…?"
"No need to play the 'ex that's moved on' card Britta, you know it's Mi'call." The guy said, flipping his dyed-blond hair over his shoulder with a dramatic head turn. Troy couldn't quite place his accent but it was probably fair to guess he was from Pretentious-stan
"Seriously? Is there an ex-boyfriend convention in town?" Troy said, eyeing the leather-clad man. There was no way that could be comfortable.
"It's been a long time," he said, ignoring Troy. "I haven't seen you seen you since—"
"Right! That time we don't need to discuss." Britta said.
"Not since that night in Amsterdam—" Britta cleared her throat as loudly as possible, "—When we made love for twelve hours straight in the midst our acid fueled journey through Wonderland."
"Thanks," Britta said bitterly.
"Okay, we're not in an R&B song, that just sounds really, really uncomfortable." Troy said.
"Maybe you cannot satisfy Britta under the light of the moon for half a day but I—"
"Whoa, whoa," Troy said with a laugh. "You don't know anything about me, buddy."
Mi'call stepped forward until he was looming over Troy, "I guessing your her new man, and I know you don't seem man enough to satisfy a tigress like Britta!"
"Hey, that's enough. Why don't we both just calm down before things start—hiyah!" Troy sprung forward, aiming a blow at the guys douch-y makeup covered face. Mi'call caught him by his wrist, yanking Troy out of his way and knocking him face first into the cafeteria table behind him.
"So she's dated some assholes," Jeff said. "Who doesn't have a sketchy dating history? The girls thirty-something and has done nearly everything most people have on their bucket lists. It shouldn't be surprising if she's dated some weirdo's. Even Annie's got pretty terrible taste in men and she's only dated like two people. Hell, I've dated some strange chicks too."
"That's great and all but… I'm not done yet," Troy said with a gulp. Jeff realized he'd curled up into a near fetal position on the couch. "It gets worse."
"Freeze!" Chang shouted firing his taser into Troy's side.
"Chang! What the hell?! He's already down!" Britta shouted, running in between Troy and Chang.
"I know a threat when I see when!" Chang said, waving his taser around at the various people now discretely trying to leave the cafeteria.
"This is just like the police," Britta said, "unfairly persecuting the black man!" She kneeled down beside her twitching boyfriend.
"Hey, I can't help it if I was trained a certain way!" Chang said."Huh? Whose this guy?" He looked over Mi'Call who recoiled under his gaze.
"I'm no one and I haven't done anything so don't even think about arresting me! I know my rights!" Mi'Call turned on his heeled boots and ran off as fast as he could.
"Hmpf, your welcome citizens." Chang said, snapping his fingers. "Britta, were even." He made the 'I've got my eyes on your' gesture at Troy, put on his sunglasses, and left.
"The hell we are!" Britta yelled after him. "You people are all the same!"Britta froze, then added, "The police! I meant the police! Not Asians!"
Troy groaned loudly, "Wow, this looks a lot more funny when they do it in movies," he said quietly. "And they don't usually show that side effect…"
"Troy? Are you okay?"
"Yeah," he said stiffly, "But I think I might need to change my pants."
"I wouldn't warned you about that," Britta leaned forwards to examine the slowly bruising red spot under his eye. "Bet you feel pretty alive right now through, right?"
"Now that I think about…no." Troy said with a wince.
"Look Troy, I know you felt the testosterone fueled need to pound yourself into another man, but you really didn't need to do that."
"Britta, I wasn't trying to release any pent-up gayness." Troy said. "That guy was just way too much of a douche for me to let his face go unpunched."
"Sure thing. Nothing remotely gay about—"
"Why did Chang say you guys were even?"
"Huh, what?" Britta looked away, "Oh, that's just Chang being crazy old Chang! You know the guys doesn't make sense half the time. He's probably just being all delusional."
"I guess that makes sense. Phew," Troy said with a smile, "after today I was starting to worry that you might have slept with him or something!"
"How much would you say you value honesty, Troy?"
"Wait, what?! No, no way. Not Chang. That can't be…ew." Jeff placed a hand in front of his mouth.
"Yeah, that's what I said!"
"Wait, what?" Troy shouted, "No, no way. Not Chang. That can be—oh my god, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little."
"Don't be all dramatic—"
"You and-and-and Chang?!"
"Look, I didn't plan it!"
"Britta, I've seen the way Chang eats! He's all tongue and teeth flashing everywhere and-and he makes these crazy sounds that no human being should ever make when they're eating food and sometimes, I swear it's like the guys got like five tongues! How does a person sleep with that?"
"Things got a little intense after he tased me at the Model UN."
"Uh, he tazed me too and I don't have a sudden desire to sleep with him—Oh my god, I've practically made out with Chang. Britta, I need a minute." Troy got, stumbling first with a series of very manly arm flail.
"Oh, okay. Just promise me you won't tell Jeff."
"Oops," Troy said. "Pretend you didn't hear any of that."
"Wait, so what happened after that?" Jeff asked.
"Oh I ran all the way here and you asked what was wrong and I—"
"I hate to ask but did you change your pants first?"
"Troy, there you are!" Britta said, running into the study room.
"I guess I'm done here then," Jeff mumbled. He got up and picked up his bag. He could make fun of Britta for sleeping with Chang tomorrow.
Britta walked slowly up to where Troy lay and passed him an icepack, "Listen Troy, I know my relationship history is pretty sketchy—"
"Britta, I'm not mad at you. I just, well, I don't plan on piercing my face."
Britta shrugged and sat herself down on the opposite side of the couch. "Good. I don't want you to.".
"And I'm not really into stealing cars or crayons or whatever. Last time I stole a crayon this fat kid in my pre-school sat on me."
"That's fine too." Britta reached over and took Troy's free hand in her own.
"And I've got pretty good stamina but I don't think I can do twelve hours straight of—" Britta leaned in, cutting his words off with a kiss. For the first few seconds Troy was still trying to get words out, but Britta just grabbed his face, pulling him in closer.
Whoever Britta might have dated suddenly didn't really seem remotely important.
"Those guys don't count, okay?" Britta said when she finally separated herself from Troy's lips. "It was only about sex, and music, and drugs, and sex...and a lot of sex...and I guess with Jeff it was sort of a competition. But that point is: it's not the same with you."
Troy blinked slowly, "Sorry, what were we talking about?"
"I actually like you Troy, and you won't be any less sexy to me if you don't have tattoos."
"One time, me and Abed snuck into a rated-R movie."
"God that's hot." Britta said breathlessly. She pulled Troy into another kiss.