AN: This part of the story takes place right after Baby Blue...trying my hand at angst, hope you like! This IS John/Joss ...It just doesn't start out that way. Please review if you like and let me know what you think.
Rating is T for now but will be M
Disclaimer: Nothing you recognize is owned by me.
Thanks ReeseisLAVAhot for always wanting to clean up...I mean read my smut before I post!
~~~~~~~~~~John: 2 months ago~~~~~~~~~~
The door of the pub opened and almost every patron of the male persuasion, and some of the female as well, turned to watch the woman as she entered, and crossed the room. Some were staring at her long, dark golden hair that fell in waves, almost reaching her waist while others were drawn to her long, lean legs, atop a pair of five inch stilettos. The woman immediately spotted him and walked right up to his table, seemingly unaware of the audience she was attracting. She smiled, looking down at him expectantly.
"Hello Zoe." He stood and she slid into the booth across from him. Her eyes raked over him with a hunger that did not go unnoticed by him.
"John." Her smooth, husky voice slid across his skin like a warm evening breeze.
He kept his face contained in an emotionless mask. He didn't want her to see that she was affecting him,if only just a little. It shouldn't come as a surprise, she was a beautiful woman, of that there was no doubt. It had been a long time since Jessica and he hadn't touched another woman, not like that, not since she'd died.
"Glad you decided to finally take me out for that drink you kept promising." The smirk that was playing at her lips was teasing him to the point of distraction.
"I'm sorry it took me a while... I've been busy."
Her brow twitched and her eyes flickered down to his lips. "You're here now."
She ran her tongue quickly over her red-painted lips. "So, what made you decide to call me today?"
He shrugged nonchalantly. "Slow day at the office?"
"Mm Hmm." I'm not sure whether to be flattered or hurt."
"I'm sure you'll figure it out, Zoe. You're a smart woman."
He motioned to the waitress who came quickly over to their table. "What'll ya be havin' dear?" She asked in a slight Irish brogue.
Zoe's eyes never acknowledged the girl other than to mumble her order quietly as she continued staring at John. "A dirty martini, two olives."
"Aye, comin' up. John, how 'bout you, would ya like another?"
He looked up at her and smiled sweetly. "Please. And thanks Brynn."
"You got it darlin."
Zoe's brow arched and her eyes turned to watch the young waitress walk back towards the bar. "Is there any woman that you can't captivate with those dangerously blue eyes of yours?"
He raised his lips in a smile. "I captivate you with my eyes, Zoe?
She chuckled. "Don't forget that sexy smile of yours. That helps."
He wasn't blind to the effect that he had on women, he simply chose not to encourage said effects.
"You like my eyes and my smile? I'm flattered."
"Don't be obtuse John. You know damn well what those devastatingly good looks do to the female persuasion. Then again...you may not realize after all, in which case I would be very disappointed in your lack of observational skills."
Her gaze flickered down to his mouth again. She wasn't at all trying to hide the fact that she was attracted to him. His breath quickened and he felt a slight twitching between his legs. She was attractive; he would have to be blind to miss that fact. He let his gaze fall to her mouth for a brief moment.
Brynn arrived back at the table with their drinks, interrupting their little private moment. Zoe looked up at her with daggers in her eyes. John didn't like the way she looked up at the girl. John looked up and smiled. "Thank you Brynn.How's your brother?"
She beamed down at John. "He's doin' better, thanks to you. Our guardian angel, you are." She reached out and laid her hand on his shoulder. "He should be back here at the pub next week."
"That's wonderful. I'll come by and see him then."
"You're a good man there Johnnie boy."
He chuckled at her nickname for him.
"Drinks are on the house." She patted his shoulder and walked back over to the bar.
He looked back over at Zoe. She hid her emotions well, but not as well as he did. She was possessive of him already. He wasn't sure how to take that, at least not from her. He hadn't expected to see that. Zoe had no possessions that she cared about other than her phone, and maybe her gun. His thoughts were interrupted by her smooth voice again.
"So. You didn't tell me why you called me tonight."
He couldn't tell her the real reason. Not only would it have her running - no - walking with quiet dignity, right back out of the pub, but it would also be cruel. He had no intention of being cruel. It wasn't her fault he was here under false pretenses. He wasn't proud of the reason he was here and he certainly wasn't going to share it with her either.
"I told you Zoe...slow day at the office."
"Cut the bullshit John." She picked up her martini and sipped it down in one breath. "You gonna finish your drink or you wanna get outta here?"
John tilted his head; a silent indication for the latter. She set down her glass and slid out of the booth. John followed her lead and held out his arm to allow her to lead the way. They exited the pub and stood side by side, looking out onto 8th avenue.
"Are we going to your place, or mine?" She asked, looking up at him.
"Yours is closer."
She held up her hand in the direction of a black Audi sitting across the street. It immediately turned on and sped towards them. The driver got out and opened the door for them both. John was familiar with the route to Zoe's apartment from when he had acted as her 'driver' months ago. Zoe settled into the seat next to him and crossed one lean leg over the other. His eyes were drawn to them, swaying with the gentle movements of the car. She slid her hand across the smooth, black, leather seat and came to rest on his thigh. He felt his muscle tense. She chuckled. "Relax John...I won't bite...hard."
They arrived less than ten minutes later. The driver once again got out and opened their door and John followed Zoe up the steps to her apartment. She opened her door and invited him inside. She walked over to the kitchen and laid her keys down on the edge of the counter and then walked over to the far side of the kitchen. Reaching up and opening one of the cabinets, she reached in and grabbed two wine glasses. She turned to ask him if he needed a drink, since he hadn't finished his at the bar, but when she turned she found herself suddenly pressed back against the edge of the counter. His hands rose to her face and slid back into her hair. He fisted his fingers, pulledher head back, and started kissing her neck. She gasped, and grabbed for his shirt. He didn't wear a suit jacket this evening, which made it even easier for her to start undressing him.
His hands left her hair and fell to her hands. He grabbed her wrists and pulled them off of his shirt. He moved them behind her, holding them there with one hand. With his other hand he quickly undid his belt and pants. Then he grabbed the hem of her skirt and yanked it up to her waist.
"John..." She gasped out between breaths. "Don't you..."
His hand let go of her wrists and grabbed her hips, lifting her up onto the counter. He pushed his pants and boxers down over his growing erection and pulled her towards him.
She tried to finish what she had been saying. "...want to go...to the bedroom?"
He lined his hips up with hers and guided himself to her entrance. She grabbed his shoulders and then he rolled his hips, impaling her in one swift movement.
He didn't respond to her question. He couldn't...it was no different than when he hadn't answered her earlier…he didn't want to be cruel. He couldn't tell her why he had no desire to ever see her bedroom, or to fuck her there, which is exactly what this was... Fucking. A quick coupling…a means to an end…if he's lucky. He would at least try to make this as pleasant as possible for her, but right now he just wanted to do this and get out. He shouldn't have come here, under false pretenses, and he hated himself for it. He knew she wanted him, ever since that night at the restaurant, and then later when she'd kissed him. He knew...yet until now, even with all of the other opportunities that he'd had, he hadn't taken advantage of her.
He was just so hurt, so angry...he needed the release tonight after...afterwhat had happened. He was taking it out on her...and she didn't even know he was doing it. He had to stop thinking about it, at least for now. He needed to allow himself a reprieve, if only for a few short minutes.
His frenzied thrusts were hard and fast. Her smoky voice produced low, smooth moans that were very interesting to him. He would have to enjoy them now, because he wouldn't be hearing them again. She pulled her upper body closer to him by pulling on his broad shoulders while his hips continued to pound into her. She tried to kiss him but he deflected by bowing his head and latching on to her neck with his lips. Her hands slid up the back of his neck to his head and her fingers raked across his scalp. He didn't want to kiss her; he thought he'd done a smooth enough job of getting around that. He had to end this. He once again thought of what a mistake this was. He moved his left hand between them and found her clit. He began to rub it with his thumb. She moaned, letting him know that he would be able to finish her soon. He bit down lightly on her shoulder and she tensed and pushed back against his shoulders. "Don't..." She whispered.
Yes, he definitely had to end this as quickly as possible. He flicked his tongue over the spot where he'd nipped her. He increased the speed of his thrusts and the pressure of his thumb. She tilted her head back in abandon, her breathing becoming quick and shallow. He scraped his thumb nail lightly over the tight bundle of nerves and she cried out his name. He felt her tighten around him as he continued moving inside of her but he didn't, he couldn't, he no longer had any desire, to come inside her.
As soon as she settled back against the kitchen cabinets he slid from her body and quickly pulled his pants back up. The look she gave him spoke volumes. She knew he hadn't come here for her. She was a substitute and she hadn't even been able to satisfy him in that way.
"I'm sorry." He whispered as he met her eyes. He could at least give her the dignity of an honest and sincere apology.
She understood. He wasn't sure if that was a comfort to him or if it saddened him. Either way, he would never put either one of them in that position again.
"I have to go."
He turned and walked out her door into the sultry summer night...
~~~~~~~~~Joss: 1 months earlier~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joss had come to know Bill Szymanski pretty well in the past month. She'd spent quite a bit of time at the hospital after he'd been shot by Elias's men and she also visited him at his apartment almost daily. She would bring dinner from his favorite Thai restaurant or stop at the local market for some ingredients, and take them over to his apartment to make him dinner. He didn't have family in the city and no girlfriend or wife to help him out. She told herself that that was why she was coming over so often, but she knew deep down that it was because she blamed herself for him getting shot. She didn't even blame John. Ifshe hadn't been late to relieve Bill from Moretti's safe house, it could've been her that was shot instead.
Over the course of a month's time she had started to catch little hints of Bill flirting with her. Normally she would've ignored the unwelcome advances. She'd always had her share of playful flirting from John and he was the only man that she allowed it from...but not lately. At her own behest, John had left her alone, mostly. He'd tried calling her a couple of times but she hadn't picked up and she hadn't returned his calls either. There were a couple of times when she had to stop herself from calling him. Once, when she was walking home fromBill'splace and she felt like she'd being followed, another time was when she'd had a horrible nightmare. It had been so vivid that she'd woken up, trapped in the bed sheets that were wrapped tightly around her body, screaming John's name. Her finger had already dialed his number and she'd almost pressed send, but stopped herself at the last minute. She'd verbally chastised herself for days after that. She'd even spent extra time with Bill to keep her mind occupied and off of John.
She knew she'd reached the point of no return when one evening, while they were relaxing after dinner, Bill had reached over and laid his hand on top of hers. They were out on his balcony, having a glass of wine, listening to the sounds of the city. He said her name in that rough, scratchy voice of his. She felt a slight stirring in her belly when his fingers brushed up her arm to her shoulder, up her neck, and across her cheek. She tilted her head towards his hand and let her eyes slip closed. His hand moved to cup the back of her neck and he gently pulled her towards him. She turned her body and allowed him to tilt her head up and lean down to press his lips softly to hers. It started out being a very sweet, soft, and very chaste kiss. When she didn't pull away from him, he took that as an invitation to wrap his arms around her back and pull her firmly against him. She felt something hard press against her belly and then his tongue was pressing tentatively against her lips, requesting her permission to be allowed inside.
She didn't want to be asked, she wanted to be taken. How would he know that though? He was probably being a gentleman and not forcing himself on her. She tried to nudge him towards being a little more aggressive by pushing her chest against his. He continued kissing her, his tongue softly probing hers just at the edge of her teeth. She moaned, pushing against him harder but he still wasn't getting the hint. She reached down and ran her hands over his growing erection, sliding her hand around the outside of his pants. He thrust his hips towards her. That was more like it, she thought.
She expected him to push her back against the railing or the wall, or even drag her inside to his bed, but he didn't do anything other than groan when she increased the pressure of her hand against his cock. She was frustrated already and they weren't even undressed yet! She fisted her hands in his shirt and pulled him back until her back was pressed against the glass sliding door of his apartment. She tugged as hard as she could, attempting to pull him up against her, but there was still space between them. She couldn't help but ask herself what the hell was wrong with him. He had a woman asking for him to take her but he couldn't get past the asking for permission stage. She wanted to scream at him, but she was fairly certain that that would scare him away and then she wouldn't even get a soft fuck. However, she wasn't sure it was even going to get to that at this point.
She decided to try yet another tactic. "Bill..." She moaned. "Please."
He pulled back from her with a worried look. "What's the matter Joss? Am I moving too fast?"
She sighed. "No Bill." She decided against telling him what actually was 'the matter' and instead pulled him back down to her and attacked his lips with increased fervor. She reached down and grabbed one of his hands and brought it up to rest on her breast and brought the other around to cup her ass. She couldn't possibly be more blunt about what she wanted than that...or so she thought. His hands stayed still while his mouth seemed unsure of what to do. She let go of his hands and started unbuttoning his shirt. When she was done with that and found his undershirt in the way of her reaching his skin, she ran her hands down and started in on his buckle. When she was done unbuckling it she slid her fingers inside his waistband and then ran them over his erection as she worked on the button and zipper. He sighed quietly when she pulled his pants and briefs down to his hips. He still didn't seem to be participating, but rather letting her do all the work and it was so fucking frustrating she wanted to scream!
When he didn't follow suit and take the time to undress her too she took matters into her own hands. She pulled him around then pushed him back down onto the end of the bench sitting along the back wall of the balcony. She stood in front of him and began undoing her own pants. She slid them down her legs along with her panties. His eyes never left hers. They didn't slide down her body, appreciating, or even noticing, her womanly form that she worked very hard to keep up. She didn't even waste the time unbuttoning her blouse, he wasn't going to look at her anyway. She stepped up to him and straddled his legs. She heard his quick intake of breath when she lowered herself down onto him.
She definitely knew she'd chosen the right way to do this as she started moving. She was going to get so much more enjoyment out of this than if he were on top of her. At least in this position she could control how hard and fast she got it. She hadn't been looking for a slow lovemaking. She didn't love Bill, she thought she'd been attracted to him but it turned out that the only thing she was attracted to was his height. His tall, lanky form reminded her of someone else….someone else that she was dangerously attracted to. She braced her knees on both sides of his thighs, grabbed onto his shoulders, and started using him. She rose slowly andthen let herself fall down hard onto him, impaling herself fully. She moaned and immediately increased her pace. Bill's grunts as her hips rolled and bucked against him were not an attractive sound, but she tried to ignore them. She allowed her mind to wander as her muscles flexed and strained with her efforts. She closed her eyes and pictured a pair of arctic blue eyes boring into her soul, strands of platinum threading through sleek, ebony hair fanning through her fingers as she slid them across his scalp… large, strong hands grabbing, caressing, and stroking every inch of her body… A mouth, capable of making her wet just by saying a few simple words in that smooth, sexy voice of his….A soft, velvety tongue plundering her mouth, tasting her nipples, and finally moving down between her thighs, running up and down through her folds, over her clit, and finally slipping inside of her, making her scream out his name as she came.
She threw her head back in wild abandon, screaming his name as her hips continued rising and falling, yet losing some of their former speed. The only problem was, her fantasy worked a little too well. When she collapsed against his Bill's chest, her arms wrapped over his shoulders, he spoke in a quiet voice. "Is that who was with you? The day I got shot?"
She moved back so that she could look down at Bill. "What? Who?"
"John. Is that the man that was with you… when I got shot?"
"How did you...?" She started to ask, before she realized in horror why he was asking about John. She had no idea what to say. "Fuck..." She hung her head, slowly rising up off of him and then slid off of his lap. She reached down to grab her clothes and quickly got dressed. "I'm so sorry Bill."
He just nodded his head. "It's OK Joss. I had a feeling you were waiting for someone else. I just didn't know who it was, until now."
"No, I get it." He looked up at her with a sad look in his eyes. "Can you see yourself out?"
She nodded and quietly turned from him. She walked down the stairs from his apartment, and out onto the sidewalk, and then she finally allowed the tears to fall...
Never again... Bill was a good man, a kind person. She hated the fact that she'd hurt him.
No more temporary bliss. She would call John, and if it ended up killing her, she would tell him how she felt. It would most certainly ruin her, when he rejected her, but 'this'…with another man...would never happen again...