Ok the title is…horrid, but it makes me laugh so *shrug*. After several beautiful female friends of mine pointed out the Vorik in my current epic story needs some help, and is deserving of some love…I offer you this little romantic comedy one shot. As usual, I own nothing (wouldn't you all trip if I said I owned it all and they are my toys to legally play with? ) The ladies know who they are…you are all to blame for this mess.

Taurik entered the Star Fleet lab where his brother was currently teaching a room full of very bored looking students. Upon seeing him, Taurik waved, and Vorik nodded, "Three chapters by tomorrow, and next week your projects on quantum thermal radiation are due. Dismissed." The crowd groaned as they filed past the mirror image of their teacher, several gave them both a double take, a dark haired boy whispered "The universe isn't ready for two of them is it?"

"Brother, I was most pleased to hear you had accepted the temporary teaching assignment. The Astrometrics lab will benefit from your experience." Vorik said approaching his twin.

"It made good sense to accept, not only will it allow me to spend time with you, it will be an admirable notation on my career."

"Agreed. Now, I have a project of a personal nature I would like to involve you in. Do you have the time to have a coffee with me, at the Launching Padd?"

"My schedule is free. What sort of project are you working on? Warp configuration or increasing the efficiency of the transporter, through the deflector array?" Taurik asked, knowing they were both pet projects they had shared growing up.

"Neither," he said softly, "This project is of a more personal nature. As you know my mate moved on when it was thought I was lost in the gamma on Voyager. Even though it was appropriate for me do so as well, " he absently stroked his jaw, "I was unable to find a suitable mate. "

Taurik nodded, " I am aware. My efforts in securing a mate have not met with success either. " The two brothers looked at each other thoughtfully. Both had shared a secret with each other many years ago, that they, against all the logic and precepts of their culture, did not desire a Vulcan woman, they hoped to find a suitable human mate. With that memory in mind Taurik's eyes went wide, "Are you speaking of that project, Vorik?" he said softer hoping no ears would pick up their conversation."

Vorik nodded curtly, "I have spent this time on earth making observations of the human mating rituals. But we are in need of further study to extrapolate the data in such a way to make it useful. "

"As the humans say when playing the card game, poker, I am all in."

The brothers took a window seat at the small campus bar and ordered two coffees extra sweet. Taurik was the first to speak, "Why are we here, Vorik?"

Vorik pointed across the street, "In approximately five minutes and thirty seconds two human females will enter that coffee bar, they do so every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at this time. They come here to the Launching Padd at approximately 18:00 hours. They always carry books and they always put their bags on the spare two seats at the table. It is my hypothesis that they place their bags there to keep males from taking the seats. I believe we can run an experiment using the human male behaviors and mannerisms I have observed, approaching them this way, we will gain entry to those seats."

"There by giving us the information in their conversation on how to ask out on a date these females." Taurik nodded, "There is only one problem with your scenario. Using real human males in our experiment would add too many complicated variables. How do you plan on compensating for that?"

"It pleases me you asked. " From the pack over his shoulder he pulled two badge like objects, "This is a mobile holo-emmitter. I have been working on the project to replicate the one Voyager's EMH used and have been successful. These are two prototypes. We will need to wear human clothing, in case of a power disruption. I find human authorities are more likely to understand that it was a science experiment if they are not speaking to you naked, but it will give us the appearance of two normal human males. "

Taurik raised and eyebrow, "I am curious about how you came about the information pertaining to the authorities…"

Vorik sunk in his chair, "It is a personal story, a highly personal story, one which we will not discuss."

Taurik rolled his eyes. "Very well, when do we do our first experiment?"

"They will be here tonight, which is why I brought you here so you could familiarize yourself with the surroundings." Vorik said shooting up in his chair, "there they are…"

Taurik turned and watched two dark haired human females enter the coffee bar. They were wearing Starfleet scarves and laughing at some joke they seemed to share, "Oh they are very aesthetically pleasing. What are their names? What do they do?"

"They are junior grade teachers in Literature. The one on the left is Sara, the other is Michelle."

"I choose Michelle," Taurik said emphatically.

Vorik shook his head, "That is not how it works, according to my studies. The female chooses her desired mate, and we will not know who chooses who until we talk with them. Come my brother, we will need to replicate some human jeans and a hoodie, perhaps also something they call a t-shirt, and sun glasses. "

Taurik stood, "I am waiting on you now brother."


The twins were standing in Vorik's apartment both struggling with the zipper of their newly replicated jeans. "Vorik, are you sure the measurements are correct."

"I fed the parameters in just as it was instructed. I do not understand why they," he sighed slightly, "Bind so in the groin."

"I tried the larger size, but it seems that if we wear a garment that fits correctly in the groin, it falls off my hips and drags the ground."

"We are going to have to make due, though I will never understand how human males find this style of pants comfortable."

"It may explain their aggressive nature, "Taurik offered finally getting the zipper to the top, "I admit, I feel more aggressive already.

"Good," Vorik said finishing his zipper, "That will lend credibility to your alter ego." Vorik handed him one of the holo-emmitters. "You are Matt Samuelson, you play a game in your spare time called football. You come from a place called Colorado, and are a senior at the academy." He activated the holo-emitter and his brother's appearance changed from the slender Vulcan he was to a beefier looking human male, complete with blue eyes and crew cut.

"Testing, Testing…" Taurik said, "It does not change my voice."

"No, this is the prototype you will need to work on that yourself." Vorik activated his device and he appeared to change into a similar style male. Handing Taurik a PADD, he spoke again, "You will need to familiarize yourself with these common words and phrases used by human males of this age. I am Steve Sharpton from Ohio, I study engineering at the academy, I also play this football sport, that is how we met and became friends."

Taurik read over the PADD, and absently tried to adjust himself in his jeans, "Hey, my man, Steve. What is happening?"

"No, no, you sound too Vulcan. Here allow me to demonstrate, " Vorik cleared his throat, "Hey, 'sup. Matt, How's it dangling?" A self-pleased looked washed over his face. "Like that. And you need to stop touching your groin, Taurik, some females like that but most find it offensive."

Taurik sighed, "It binds me, but I will do my best."

"I believe we are ready." Vorik peeked out the door of his apartment, when he saw no one was coming he waved his brother forward. "Come, let us commence our experiment in human mating behavior. From now until we return here, we are just two human males on the town for a night of libations and sexual intercourse."

"It feels as if I am already engaged in some kind of intercourse with my jeans, Vorik."

"I am not complaining where is the logic in your complaints? Now come the girls will be at their table now."


"You said he'd be here, Sara." Michelle groaned swirling her apple martini.

"His brother arrived in today, and you know he never misses a Thursday night."

Sara looked up when she heard the door open, "Oh gawd, Michelle, don't look now but planet of the apes just walked in. DUDE you promised me a Vulcan. Where is he? " Sara whispered over her fruity drink, closing her eyes she began to whisper, "Please, please, please don't walk over here."

Michelle looked, "Oh brother," kicking Sara under the table lightly ,"Stop that isn't even nice." She added in a half-hearted chastisement.

"Really, Michelle, oh don't look again…they are walking over here…" she slid down in her seat. "Thanks for jinxing us, girlfriend."

"Greetings it's," Vorik started to say, until Taurik hit him in the back. He cleared his throat and took a long draft of the beer in his hand. He made a terrible face, and Taurik stepped forward, "Hey, 'sup girls. Mind if we, ummm, pop a squat with you."

Vorik stepped up, "Umm yeah, can we buy ya a beer?"

The girls looked at each other and rolled their eyes, and laughed, "Ummmm," Sara started dramatically, "No you cannot buy us a beer, and ummmmm, no you cannot have a seat."

"We are waiting for some people, boys. Thanks but, you are blocking our view." Michelle said shewing the two human males away.

Vorik and Taurik looked at each other confused. Vorik put his hand on the table as he had seen so done so many times before, "But uhhh, you chicks are hot, and my bro…friend and I were kinda hoping you'd be our dates tonight."

Taurik moved to try to take their packs off the seat and Sara stood, "Look monkey boy if you touch my pack ,or my friends pack and try to sit at our table, you are going to pull back a stub and for the rest of your life you'll be piloting that shuttle craft you keep touching in your pants with one hand. "

The brothers stepped back, looked at each other, and walked away.

"The nerve of these guys." Sara said sitting back down.

"Tell me about it. That one kept messing with his junk." Michelle added making an icky face.

Taurik, looked at his brother, "That was a spectacular failure my brother."

"Perhaps, but let's change our clothes and take a seat at the coffee shop and watch them. We need to ascertain if their judgment was in error, or if another pair of males are able to gain entrance to their table."

Taurik nodded, "That would give us a lot of usable date for our next experiment.


"Michelle, they aren't coming tonight. This place is a bore and I am completely tired of fending off the jock straps." She pouted, "Can we go."

Sara sighed, "I don't understand it. He is always here on Thursday night. Maybe they had some Vulcan thing…" she gasped, "No, they just walked into the coffee shop! Don't look, don't look be calm…"

"What do we do now?" Michelle whispered, downing the rest of her Singapore Sling, "I say we walk over there and buy them a coffee."

"That is sooooo bold. " Sara said, never taking her eyes off the pair in the coffee shop. Picking up her martini glass she downed the contents, "Let's boldly go, where no human females have gone before!"

The girls stood and walked out of the bar.

Vorik stared at his brother, "Are you pleased now. Thanks to our need of stopping by the medical bay for your chafing cream, they are leaving and we will acquire no further data tonight. If you had worn the human underwear that I replicated for you we would not be in this situation."

Taurik leaned forward, "I fail to the see the logic in.."

"Are you gentlemen expecting anyone?" Michelle asked softly.

Taurik and Vorik looked at each other and said in unison, "No."

Sara pulled out a chair next to Vorik, "Then do you mind if we join you?"

The pair stood abruptly, "Please, do."

Michelle leaned over and whispered in Tauriks ear, "You aren't pair bonded are you?"

The Vulcan shook his head and the human woman smiled, "Good, first round of drinks is one me then…How about a hot chocolate?"

The Vulcan brothers looked at each other and back at the females. Sara and Michelle looked at them. "Is it too soon to declare it is our intent to be your mates or should we wait for first round?"

Both men raised an eye brow, suddenly feeling as if perhaps they had been the ones stalked all along.