The more one tries to sleep the harder it gets. Counting sheep doesn't work anymore, not that it ever helped to begin with after all in order to sleep you need to relax. Counting sheep isn't relaxing enough to fall asleep, it isn't distracting enough either. In order to sleep you need to distract your mind trick it into relaxation. Most people they fall asleep counting sheep out of boredom, or else they get distracted. I made it closed to 200 before I gave up.

They say meditating helps, "they" being the doctors in which I am forced to see once a week by the court. "They" don't know shit. Think of a waterfall, it's more peaceful, more distracting, not as dull. Maybe I'm not that creative but I just couldn't picture a waterfall, so I walked to the book store and bought a book with pictures of waterfalls. Thousands of different waterfalls, I never thought there were so many. The money I spent on the book was a waste, it didn't help me sleep. I do find the pictures relaxing though.

I've purchased books on insomnia, on sleeping, even on meditating. I haven't read a single word that helps. You know when you've lied awake long enough you start to think about things, like when the last time I slept through an entire night was. I can't remember when it was, or I don't want to. I just didn't think much of my inability to sleep, when I was in school I blamed it on nightmares, and as I grew up I blamed it studying.

Then of course I was so distracted by my plans, it took so long, so much effort. I noticed it then. That I couldn't sleep, I noticed it when I got only five hours of sleep a week. Those hours of sleep, the few I did get, I was always surprised when I awoke. I may have noticed it then but I assumed it was just because I was so busy, so distracted, so invested in my plan. It didn't strike me as odd that I had trouble sleeping.

I also never found it odd when I was arrested. After all who can sleep in a cage? Behind bars awaiting a trial, who sleeps. Especially when your guilt is undeniable. It worked in my favor, it's hard to look sane when you never sleep. With bloodshot eyes and incoherent speech. Insane, I can't say I wasn't offended, but after a few nights in jail I wasn't found of the prospect of spending my entire life there.

They called me insane. I don't know why but the less I sleep the angrier I get about that fact, I got off as legally insane, psychotic. Or at least I 'had' a psychotic break. Try sleeping in asylum. You wont. I spent at least a year there, and then when I was released, because legally you can't hold someone you deem sane, well I haven't slept much since I was released. Maybe I'll go for a walk.

-Clive.