Steve was going back from a mission SHIELD sent him a week ago. It ended a day earlier, so he was allowed to come back. Steve was a realist. He knew that Tony and their teenage son will probably go wild without any supervision, so he just asked Tony to not order junk food for every meal for both of them and make sure that Peter doesn't stay up late every night. Tony just smiled and reassured him that everything will be fine. Steve had no other choice as to believe him. So when he got out of the elevator on their floor, he did expect to see some mess. But what he saw, wasn't a mess. It was pure chaos. He dropped his bag to the floor, looking around the apartment.
The floor was trashed with bags of chips and wraps from take-away food. A whole army of empty alcohol bottles on the table told Steve that Tony recently organized a party. He saw some damaged furniture with scorch marks, probably Thor's doing. It was one of Tony favorite drunk games, to provoke the demigod that some ungodly power has possessed the armchair or other piece of furniture, to which Thor, after a few gallons of beer, responded with a loud roar and dashed, swinging his hammer to "smite the beast". It was just like back then when he and Tony started dating, and Tony insisted that every, even the most ridiculous reason, was good enough to party for the whole night.
Next he heard some soft footsteps. He looked at the direction they were coming from and saw Tony. From the way he was walking he could already see that he was hungover. Tony was barefooted, wore grey sweat pants and a black tank top. His hair was a mess, only his goatee was impeccable, as Tony always took care of his trademark feature. He was slowly chewing a foot-long sandwich.
"Hey Pete, if you're hungry, sandwiches are here!" he shouted, his voice raspy from the rough night. As he took another bite, he noticed Steve. Tony froze, he quickly swallowed the chunk and showed the rest of the sandwich on some shelf. It didn't look any better, as now Steve could see that half of the sandwich's content was on Tony's shirt. The brunet noticed it with a slight gasp, but he knew that there is not much he can do about it. Or is it? He turned around, quickly took of the shirt and put it back, firstly turning it on the left side. Then he turned to Steve, with a broad smile.
"Hi honey, you're earlier," he said, sounding as nothing never happened, getting closer to Steve. The blonde was glaring at him with a stern face, but Tony decided to ignore it and pecked his cheek. Before he could say something more, Peter rushed into the room.
"Dad, dad! There is a concert tonight, you know, of that heavy metal band we both like! It's in Europe, but we could take the jet and.." Peter stopped with a yelp, seeing Steve. At least in comparison to Tony, Peter looked decent. A little sleep deprived, but decent. Steve knew that it was probably because Peter was going out every night with his friends, while Tony was just slumping on the couch for whole days and then partied at night.
"Um.. Hi pops!" Peter smiled at Steve, ending the silence. Steve narrowed his eyes. Peter was grinning in the exact way Tony was. He even had a similar, insincere voice tone. He didn't know if he should start to scream or just knock them both with his shield.
"So, how did it go?" Tony asked cheerfully, trying to distract Steve. But then they heard the telephone ringing. Steve folded arms on his chest, glaring at them with a "nobody dares to move" kind of stare. After a while voicemail turned on and they heard Tony's voice:
"Hi, you have reached de Casa de la Stark" some muffled voice in the background interrupted him, "and Steven's Rogers aka Captain America, and our little bundle of joy, say 'hi', Peter!" they heard some soft babbling from a toddler Peter. "Unfortunately, we can't pick up the phone right now, as I am too busy being the greatest dad in the world, while Steve is busy… being boring…" he added in stage whisper, to which Peter responded with a giggle, "Yes, sweetie! .. Uh.. or.. we.. are busy.. changing.. diapers. Steve, Peter needs to be changed!" Steve had to come closer as now they could hear his voice clearly, "You're on diaper duty today," he said. "Oh, okay then, come on, Pete, New York needs to be saved from a stinky diaper!" Tony answered. "Tony, are you still recording that?" the voicemail continued in Steve's surprised tone. "Sure, people should know that Iron man doesn't only save the world, but also changes diapers, so, if you're a hot single mama with a kid just call me!" Steve grunted irritated in response, while more cheerful babbling was heard from Peter. "Diapersdiapersdiapers!" Tony ended, chanting and they heard a long beep from the device.
Tony was just standing dumbfounded. He remembered when he recorded that. It was a week when Peter didn't sleep well and was waking them up every two hours and Tony was running on a large dose of caffeine, so no wonder he went a little crazy as a result. Peter was red in the face from embarrassment, he had no idea about their voicemail greeting. Steve had a blank face, which could mean everything. After the signal ended they heard Clint's frantic laughter.
"Tony, do not ever change this greeting!" he snorted, "I'm calling to thank you again for the wild party, good thing you sent Peter for the whole night with his friends, if he would saw that he could get scarred for life," Clint laughed again, while Tony's eyes went wide and his mouth grimaced with panic. Peter was listening carefully.
"Anyway," Clint continued, "Natasha wants her bra back. You know, the black lace one. I admit that your drunk Mickey Mouse impression was awesome, but you know Tasha, she fails to get jokes.. umpf!" he was cut off, basing on the sound by Natasha hitting him. "… Ah, wait, she doesn't want it back, she wants you to buy her a new one," Tony couldn't stand that any longer. He darted to the telephone and pressed the speaker button.
"Star-spangled code, star-spangled code!" he blurted.
"What? Oh fu-.."
"Peter!" Tony raised his voice in panic. He knew that Peter is not as innocent as Steve liked to think and he already knows swear words, but he didn't want to give his husband any additional ammo.
"-dge. Sorry Tony!" Clint ended the call.
"Yeah, you better be, dumbass.." Tony muttered to himself, turning around. He noticed that Steve and Peter were still looking at him. While Peter had an amused grin on his face, Steve looked like on a verge of killing him. Tony just leaned over the wall and laughed nervously.
Steve was taking deep breathes. After a longer while he looked at Peter.
"You're grounded. Two months," he grunted.
"What?! But dad totally let me all this stuff!" Peter whined.
"I will talk later with your father. Now, clean this mess. And when I say clean, Tony," Steve said turning around to look at the brunet. Tony flinched hearing his name. "I mean clean, not call someone to do that for you, you got it?" Tony nodded.
"Good. Peter, go get the brooms," Steve continued and sighed deeply, covering his eyes with one hand. "I need to lie down," he said and went into the bedroom direction.
Tony felt relieved. It could have been worse. When Peter got back with some buckets and brooms he handed one to Tony and they both started cleaning.
"Hey, dad.." Peter almost whispered.
"Did you remember to give those monkeys back to the zoo?" Tony looked alarmed at his son. The loud scream echoing through the floor, told them that he didn't.
Tony was just standing there with a poker face.
"Ihihihi.." he again laughed nervously. Next second he dropped the broom to the floor and darted to the elevator.
"Dad!" Peter looked after him.
"You're on your own, son!" he shouted as the elevator closed. Peter panicked. He opened a window and decided that it was time to spider out.
As for Tony.. he once asked Steve if he can get a monkey. But why have a one if you can have a whole platoon?
isn't Tony the greatest dad in the world? don't worry, he didn't corrupt Peter, he probably just gave him some huge allowance for the week and three rules - don't spend it on hookers, don't buy drugs, stay at the USA territory ;p
fic about Tony wanting a monkey is the first part of "Getting to know you"