A/N: I am re-reading this series a second time. These books are probably my all time favorites, so I'm surprised at how I haven't wrote about them yet. Oh, and just a reminder, I am currently working on the next chapter of The Reunion, so that should be up sometime this week!
I tossed and turned in her bed that night as Carrie slept soundly beside of her. Hard as a rock, that's how Carrie has always slept. Including Cory. But Cory was gone, and I use to think Carrie was going to join him. But not now. Oh, not now! If God would punish them once more I might even believe there isn't any God up above the blue skies that I always stared up at in that dusty attic window.
If there was a God, why would he let everything happen to us the way it did? Why would he let Momma and Grandmother trap us in that musty attic? Why couldn't he snap his fingers and just let the Grandfather fall straight to his death? But then I muffled a quiet sob. Even if God did strike that old Grandfather dead, Momma would still keep us locked away in that attic…
Oh, how could Momma do such a thing? She drove us here! She drove us to be the devil's spawn! She drove Chris and I to each other! Drove us in the wrong direction of love that you are supposed to feel for your own damned sibling! My heart pounded so hard in her chest. So hard that I was afraid that my own heartbeat would awaken Carrie. But that heartbeat wasn't of flutter, nor was it of nervousness. For it was of rage.
Rage that was locked up for so long that it just had to be let out! I was angry that I longed for Chris! I longed for my own brother so bad that it hurt! I longed for Dr. Paul, who was more than gracious to me. But I shall never long for Julian, oh no, never should I ever long for him. I quickly took deep and let it out. I needed to get away, far away as possible. But the past would catch up with me, as it always does.
I sat up and put my robe on and tied it quickly around my waist. I needed cold water, and then I would go straight back to bed. I walked down the hallway, and down the stairs. As I made my way into the kitchen, I suddenly saw Chris sitting in one of Paul's chairs in the sitting room. He wore those red cotton pajamas, with his thick blonde hair into a tussled mess. He wasn't doing anything, just staring straight into space.
I must've gotten his attention, for he looked up at my presence. But he just looked back into space as if I was something that didn't interest him. Oh, Christopher. My darling, darling Christopher. If only we could turn back time, and just convince Momma that we didn't need all of that damned money! If we could've just escaped before those hormones grew angrily inside of us…
Chris must've saw that I was thinking. For he looked up at me with no emotion. "You can't sleep either?" He said in a voice I barely recognize. I sat down on the arm of his chair, which he seemed to notice. He glanced at me sitting so close to him and blushed. I smiled down at him, and ruffled his messy hair with my hand which made him laugh as if he was that fourteen year old boy again.
But when his laughter disappeared, I wanted to make it reappear again. I wanted to cover his whole face with small kisses, just like Momma did. But I bet I wasn't as good as Momma was, but that was a different story. Chris could feel my stare, for he looked up at me. "What are you doing down here, Cathy?" He asked with a seriousness in his voice. I looked around the room nervously, trying not to meet my own brother's gaze. "I came down to get some water," I said in barely a whisper. "But then I saw you."
I looked over at him right then to see the expression on his face, but to my surprise it hasn't changed a bit. For he looked sad and frightened, like a small boy that so long ago called out for Momma in his sleep. I reached for his hand and intertwined it with mine. He looked down at it in a confused manner, but I smiled warmly at him. My smile vanished when he easily slid his hand away from mine.
He looked away from me, as if he didn't want me to see the look on his face. I'll get him to look at me! Why couldn't he just be a man? But then my heart sunk deep into my chest. He's been a man for a good half of his life. He took care of us in that attic, he was a father to the twins, and he acted as if he was a husband to me…
I stood up and sat in the other chair across the room, and twirled my hair around with my index finger nervously. "I don't think I saw Paul in his room as I came down here. Is he at the hospital?"
Chris smiled bitterly, and stroked his chin as if he was thinking of what to say. "Yes, my dear sister," He said in a cold voice that sounded almost as bitter as the Grandmother's voice had. "Your darling Paul strode away to the hospital. So you come to your older brother instead."
My fists clamped tightly together with rage. How dare he mock me in such a manner? He mocked my use of fantasy words! Hot tears rolled down my cheeks as I angrily jumped up and walked up towards my older brother quickly. I could've slapped him clear across his face, just like Momma did! But I didn't, for I am far better than Momma will ever be. "You think you're the only one trying to fight feelings?" I yelled angrily at him. My words seemed like they punched him hard in the stomach.
"You think I don't toss and turn all night, wanting you? Craving you? Wanting you to love me that is the most undeniable sin anyone could commit? That's why I let the first man who feels love towards me into my heart! Because I'm trying to get away from my own brother! My own brother who I will always love with much more love than I should! I love you, Christopher Doll, but I love the lord himself. And I don't think we can betray him anymore than what we already have."
My brother, my Christopher Doll, looked at me with tears gleaming through his soft blue eyes. He didn't say anything, he just looked at me. That same look when he watched me dancing in the shadows of the dim attic. "And do you know what I don't understand?" I said with extreme sobs escaping from my lips. "Momma always said everything happens for a reason. Was us being locked up in that god forsaken attic a way to bring us together?" I said the last sentence bitterly through my clenched teeth.
Damn Momma to hell for what she did! I will never forgive her, I will never! When she rots in hell I hope she thinks of us! I hope she thinks of us every damned night she sleeps in that swan bed next to her handsome husband! I hope she dreams of Daddy shaking his head disappointed at her! Damn her! Damn her right to hell!
A single tear escaped Chris's right eye. I hesitated to run to him and wipe away that one single tear. But I didn't, for I just stood in place. What would Daddy think of this? Would Daddy despise Chris and I for loving each other in the wrong way? In my brain I feared he might would've, but in my heart I knew he would still run home and greet us with kisses, no matter what the consequences are. For he would know that Momma and that old woman drove us to each other.
The little ring Daddy have given me was on my pinky finger, which barely fit. I looked down at the ring and cried harder. He promised me to love me just a little bit more than any other little girl he had, but deep inside I knew that was not true at all. He loved me, but he smothered Carrie with the exact same love, and I was grateful for that in the end. Chris suddenly held out his arms for me to come to him, and that's exactly what I did. I ran to him, and sat on his lap as he embraced me.
He stroked my long blonde hair, and whispered things into my ear that would've made the Grandmother scream in fright. But for once in my life, I didn't feel unholy, nor did I feel like we were doing a sin. As Chris whispered loving things into my ear and kissed me all over, I felt as if I was at home. And home was with my Christopher. I kissed his hands, his arms, his face, his neck, and even his chest.
Chris whispered in my ear, "I love you. Oh, god, it's amazing how much I love you! Please, stay with me. Never leave, Cathy. Please, never leave me."
I snuggled up closer to him, and buried my face into his neck. I'm sorry, God. I thought to myself. Unholy or not, we were drove towards each other. Please forgive us.
And in my heart, I think God did forgive us. Momma and Daddy use to say that the lord always forgave people's sins if you asked for it. But Chris and I, if we stayed together, our whole life will just be one fat sin…
But right now, I didn't care. All I wanted was Chris. Not Julian, my darling prince of ballet. Nor Paul, who was the stunning doctor of love. But it was Chris. My own flesh and blood. Chris, who watched me dance in the shadows. Who tore his own flesh so the twins could survive. I looked into his eyes, "I will never leave you," I said as I covered his face in small kisses. "This is just the beginning, and that's a promise."