AN: This chapter is dedicated to the amazing MidnightLove87. I adore her and I am sending her a million hugs!
A giant thank you must be given to mauigirl60 and SunflowerFran for looking this story over and fixing my mistakes.
Thank you for reading and reviewing this silly tale!
Rosalie took in the farmland surrounding her and sighed in contentment. It was lovely and reminded her of home, with its acres of crops. She was in heaven.
"Is all of this your family's, Emmett?"
He flashed a happy grin at her. "It sure is! My grandfather purchased the land on a whim. Family lore says he won it on a bet, based on how many soft shell crabs he could eat. Most men in this area would become watermen, but Grand Da saw a different way. This farm was actually a fallback if the pub didn't work out. It's funny that now the bar is actually being supported by the farm."
"What kind of things do you grow?" Rosalie questioned, as she stuck her hands deep down into the pockets of her overalls.
"Corn, seasonal vegetables, pumpkins..." Emmett looked around with a smile. "The land tells us what to grow."
"That's wonderful." She was in love with this man.
Emmett blushed, and then looked sad. "I wish Bella liked farms as much as you do."
That comment she didn't love at all.
He continued, "Would you like to see more?"
"I'll follow you anywhere," Rosalie answered, with a smile.
That was the God's honest truth.
"You are so ridiculous."
"Bella, this is my livelihood!" Edward screeched, as he was used wet napkins to try to remove the offending bird excrement from his hair.
The couple, who were not quite admitting that fact just yet, sat in the small diner on top of the hill. It was one of the last 1950s diners in Maryland, and it admittedly, was in rough shape. The counters were dingy with age, and the seats in the booths had rips with questionable staining.
"You aren't the first person to have bird poop on their head." Bella popped a french fry in her mouth and chewed reflectively. "I've heard tales that it can make your hair permanently green."
"What!" he screeched.
Bella grabbed an onion ring off of Edward's plate. "I'm so joking with you. A bird did the same thing to me once. My hair is most certainly not green. I think it was a cardinal."
As Bella reflected on the type of bird, Edward looked at her in amazement. Who was this girl? He had never met anyone like her. He probably would never have wanted to, but now that he had, Edward was pretty sure she meant more to him than a quick sexual escapade. Though he could only imagine what fantastic things that mouth of hers really could do, as he watched her lazily chew on an onion ring.
This led him to blurt out, "That mouth of yours sure gets a lot of action!"
"Pardon me?" She wasn't sure if that statement was offensive, but it sure sounded like it.
"You eat a lot of food for a girl." Edward's foot was comfortable being lodged soundly in his mouth.
"I'm sorry I'm not one of those little, annoying, twig-women you..."
Edward grabbed her hand. "I like it!"
Edward felt the need to be honest with her. "I only have two months here before I leave for my next job."
"Okay then..." Bella looked down at her hamburger. She didn't want to like this guy because, certainly, he was an idiot. Admittedly, Edward had a way of growing on you. Bella imagined it being quite like a fungus or a mold would.
"They want me to play a pirate." Edward said. He couldn't let go of her hand.
Bella gave him a small smile. "That's cool. You can say things like 'argh' and 'shiver me timbers'. Do you get to walk with a peg leg? Hooks are completely played out."
"It's a gay pirate." Edward originally was proud for getting this role, but now that this siren was in his sights, he didn't want her to think he was of that persuasion.
"Are you trying to tell me something?" Bella wondered why he wanted her to know this. She figured Edward might be interested in men as well. He was way too concerned about his appearance. "I'll support your choices."
"You mean you'll still think of me as a man?" Edward questioned, stroking her hand.
"Umm sure..." Bella was tired of his inquest. He was leaving at the end of August anyway. She tried to pull her hand away. That hamburger looked damned good, and she wanted to ignore any sadness that would occur at the thought of him leaving. "Have fun."
"I'm not gay!" He tightened his grip. "I think I really like you."
Edward began to hyperventilate. He liked her. He never liked anyone. When he was lucky enough to get a girl back to his room, he usually would have a two-minute quickie and send them on their way. He got nervous being around pretty girls, which usually led him to say something stupid, which subsequently caused slapping to occur. Bella was different. Edward would welcome her slaps, and would even be thrilled if she spanked him.
"You see...I don't like the girls I pursue as a general rule. It's so much easier to just not do that sort of thing. I'm a "seduce them and leave" type of guy," Edward explained, as Bella listened, her mouth wide open in shock at his candor. He admitted he liked that look on her, and could imagine things that would fit in there perfectly. "I find flowers are a waste of money, so why give a woman something that's just going to die? Chocolates make them fat, and hand holding is just..."
Bella watched in amazement as he made a disgusted face.
She tried to shake his hand off of hers, being that he just stated how he hated it so much, and muttered, "Thanks for the FYI, jackass."
"Will you stop trying to remove my hand? I actually like holding your hand! I would waste money on you, and buy you nice flowers from an actual florist. I might not even care if you get fat on chocolates. You already eat like a horse."
"How do you get people to actually want to have conversations with you?" Bella didn't know if she should be offended or flattered.
"Script-writers, of course."
"Of course," Bella agreed, frowning. "If this is to get laid..."
Edward stole one of her french fries while still holding her hand tightly. "Partly, it is. We'll make fireworks, baby. I also can't see myself being away from you."
"That is so extremely creepy, dude." Bella gave him a wary look.
"The fact that you just called me 'dude' is creepy?" He questioned with a smirk.
"No, Edward, the fact that you don't want to leave me is the creepiest. What are you planning on next? Are you moving in? Watching me sleep, creepster?" Bella started swirling her straw in her soda. She acted offended, but a small part of her loved the idea. "I seriously doubt my dad is going to let you move in."
"I would love to move in. I'm sure there is plenty of room in your bed, baby." Edward gave her his panty-dropping smile, as she grimaced at him.
Bella was willing herself not to slap him, since obviously, his motives weren't pure. He was an idiot of the highest order. "I see this really as just a ploy to get me to have sex with you. You need to stop calling me 'baby'. Last time I checked, I had stopped wearing diapers when I was an infant."
"I would consider it making sweet love, baby. I thought girls liked being called that." Edward always knew women were confusing, but Bella was above and beyond.
Bella's feminist leanings came tumbling out. "They absolutely do not, Edward Cullen! I am not some sex bunny you can..."
"Isabella Marie Swan, why are you talking about sex?" Louise Higgenbottom demanded, coming up behind her granddaughter who gasped, and desperately tried to wrestle her hand away from Edward's iron grasp.
"I...well...oh...umm...we...what are you..." Bella stumbled over her words. Then she saw her grandmother's kind friend, Mildred. The older woman, who was decked out in a t-shirt covered in kittens, gave Bella her an apologetic smile. "Good afternoon, Mrs. Humphrey! What a lovely day, don't you think?"
"Don't change the subject, Isabella!" Louise demanded, as she reached into her gigantic, green leather purse. It was hideous. Bella also thought it could easily hold a body, and could see her grandmother stuffing her in it at that moment. "What is this dirty boy saying about having sexual relations with you?"
Edward dropped Bella's hand and stood, taking Louise's instead. Bella wanted to warn him how this was the absolutely, positively the worst idea he could ever come up with, except she felt it might be hilarious. Trying to stifle the giggles ready to burst forth, she watched as Edward placed a kiss on Louise's hand. The older woman's face turned a million shades of red, and she took that giant, scary purse, and whacked Edward's head with it.
Mildred started waving her thin little arms in the air. "Louise, please stop! Don't hurt that handsome, young man! He's like a young Gary Cooper; or at least, a Cary Grant!"
"He's more like a gay Rock Hudson," Louise sneered.
Edward cowered on the floor. That old, crazy lady must pack that saddlebag with bricks. It hurt! "Ma'am, I'm not gay! I am only pretending to be a gay pirate."
"A liar boy, Mildred, that's what Isabella takes up with! She gets the stupid from that doofus husband that Renee just had to marry!"
Mildred just kept repeating, "Oh, my! Oh, my!"
Louise glared at poor Edward, who was still on the ground. The poor man looked up at Bella with big, sad eyes and she melted. He had her; hook, line and sinker.
"Grandma, I appreciate your concern, really, I do. I don't, however, appreciate you beating my boyfriend with your purse. You don't have to agree with my decisions, but you do have to respect me enough to let me make my own choices." Bella pulled Edward up off the ground, wrapping her arms tightly around him.
Edward gave her a brilliant smile. "I like the sound of that; the word 'boyfriend'. It's odd, because I've never heard myself described that way before. Should I carry your books or something?"
"What books?" Bella asked him in confusion. Then it dawned on her. "We aren't heading to the sock hop, Fonzie. You're so weird."
"Who's Fonzie?" Edward's eyes narrowed in concentration. It sounded so familiar.
Louise huffed and dropped her purse on the ground, and sat at a nearby table. She started rubbing her head. "Child, I don't know if my skull is splitting because my blood sugar is low, or if this boy's stupidity is trying to kill me. Why are you doing this? You have potential, Isabella. You could be a teacher or work at the bank as a manager."
"My major is graphic design," Bella stated, trying to not get in another fight with Louise about appropriate careers.
Louise sighed, and shook her head at Bella. "That's a stupid major."
Edward looked between Bella and Louise and came up with an amazing plan. "She'll come back to L.A. with me! I know people! I can get her a job and then she can travel with me to location and..."
"Whoa, buddy, you go from zero to sixty! I have to finish school first." Bella threw her hands up in the air. Edward held her tight.
"Pennsylvania," Bella admitted. This relationship was already doomed.
"Like the Amish? I did a Hallmark made-for-TV movie where I played an Amish potato farmer. It was called, The Meadow Brings Forth Golden Spuds. It was a heartfelt portrait of adversity."
"Was that the same one Tanya Denali was in?" Bella always got confused with Amish made-for-TV movies.
Edward laughed at her. Couldn't she keep them straight? They were completely different. "No, baby, mine was a family movie with a drought. She was a stripper. It was typecasting."
"What did I say about calling me 'baby'? I eat solid foods!" Bella complained.
"You do, just like a vacuum cleaner." Edward laughed at his joke and was excited to see Louise snicker. Bella punched him in the shoulder.
"Ouch!" he cried out.
Mildred trilled, "They are so romantic!"
Louise frowned at Bella. "You need to think about your future and not mess around with..."
Bella was saved by the sound of her phone. It read 'A' Calling 'D'.
Alice had gotten to Bella's phone and decided to bring up the painful memory of their chemistry grades in high school. Damn her!
"It's Alice," she said, and held up her hand to hush Louise. "What up, yo?"
An irate Alice yelled into the phone. "Get your ass over to Newton's Candy Store! Mike arrested Jasper and that crazy chick."
"Why are you at Mike's parents' store?" That was a stupid idea; Mike hung out there instead of doing his job.
Alice snarled, "Does it matter?"
"I would just think you would avoid..." Bella started to say, but Alice made a horrible shrieking noise. "I think you broke my ear-drum!"
"Get off him, Strip Tease Barbie! I'm not going to... Not the glasses! What's wrong with you? Michael, you lazy pig, stop her!"
The line went dead.
Bella looked down at the phone, and then up at Edward. "We have to go."
"What happened?" Edward questioned, pulling out his wallet and throwing a wad of cash onto the table.
She grabbed his hand and started pulling him to the door. "Alice and Jasper need us!"
"Isabella Marie!" Louise yelled at the exiting pair. "Young people have no manners!"
"Oh Louise, they're in love! They act like Bob and I used to, when he'd take me to the drive-in!" Mildred stared off into space, reminiscing about her early years.
"Oh, Lord," Louise muttered, and grabbed a menu. People were becoming idiots, and all she wanted was cottage cheese, pineapple and coffee. Things you can count on, unlike love-struck grandchildren.