AN: I know it's been awhile, but let's say it's been tough to be funny lately. Luckily, I think I have my silly back! I hope you like it.
This is for Midnight Love87! What a wonderful friend!
Thank you to mauigirl60! Your help has been amazing!
A crowd had formed outside the Newtons' ice cream shop, watching as Alice verbally abused Mike. The sight of the cowering officer in his uniform and the tiny woman shaking her pointer finger in his face was a hilarious sight. So much, in fact, that Riley Green was filming it on his phone. Bella wouldn't be surprised if was on the internet the next day. The view of the famous Tanya would be enough to have it get media attention. Alice hated any sort of attention, so being a good sister, Bella thought it best to help the situation.
"Give me the phone, Green," she growled, holding out her hand.
"I...I...I...just checking my email, B...B...Bella," Riley stammered. The man had once been captain of the Forks High School wrestling team, but you would never guess by the way he cowered at the Swan girls. He feared Alice and her vicious tongue ever since she had defended poor Theodore Jenks, who had been stuffed in a locker. He had made sure to never terrorize the freshman class again.
Bella narrowed her eyes. "What do you think Alice would do if she finds out that you're taping her right now? If you think what she's doing to Mike is scary, imagine what she has in store for you."
"Here!" Riley squeaked. He gave her the phone and Bella deleted the video.
Edward looked at her and said, "You don't think he would actually..."
"Of course he would." Bella cocked her head toward Tanya. "That's YouTube gold, Edward. Here, Riley. Now, be on your way!"
She tossed the phone at Riley's head and turned to take a good, hard look at the insanity before her. Tanya sat on the curb, her hair a disheveled mess of knots and her makeup smeared. Her shirt was ripped, covered with a pink substance and her bare knees were scraped and dirty like a small child after a playground accident. Her hands were handcuffed and Tanya was cursing at the crowd in a way that wasn't fitting for a queen of the small screen.
Next to her sat the also-handcuffed Jasper. Unlike Tanya, he was completely composed and smiling proudly at his Alice. There wasn't a hair out of place and Jasper's clothing was pristine. Bella was curious as to how Tanya looked like such a mess because just like Jasper, Alice's ridiculous teeth tee-shirt was perfect. Alice's hair was always a mess, so that wouldn't be a good indication. It was a mystery until Bella saw Mike's mother, tied to the shop's giant, decorative ice cream cone lawn ornament with her polka dotted apron.
The older woman was a frightful mess. The same gooey pink substance on Tanya's shirt was also matted into the gray, permed hair of Mrs. Newton. Her rayon pants were dirty and ripped. There were candy sprinkles covering her wrinkled face. As Bella and Edward approached, the smell of sour flavored milk filled the air. Edward pointed into the open doors of the shop and exclaimed, "Oh, shit!"
It was an ice cream Armageddon. The floors were caked with sticky, melted ice cream of all variety of flavors. There were overturned bins of toppings. Patrons who were trying to exit the building were slipping and sliding all over the floor, landing on top of each other. It was a literal and figurative mess of epic proportions.
"Mike...Alice...what's happening here? Was there a town-wide ice cream food fight at your parents' shop today? I missed the memo," Bella announced, her hands on her hips.
Mike stood taller from the hunched-over crouch he'd previously been in from Alice's verbal tirade. "Bella, I will be arresting that blond guy, the crazy woman and my...umm...mother for disturbing the peace."
Alice yelled, "You should take those cuffs off Jasper right now, Michael Newton! He did nothing wrong! Bella, this is what happened..."
Jasper decided after going through the most thorough and frightening interview process with Alice's father that he was going to turn up 'Woo the Most Wonderful Alice Swan Quest' into high gear. There was no way that he was going to lose her when filming ended. The show he was filming would never get picked up for another season. It was yet another Dawson's Creek set at a prep school and one annoying program like that was more than enough. He would have to find a new way to stay with her.
The ice cream shop was near Alice's parents and was one of those brightly-colored Victorians that reminded Alice of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Alice wasn't sure if she should even go with him, but she honestly needed some distance in order to break things off. If they went off by themselves, she would be intimate with him and she knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that she would become even more attached.
As they entered the shop, Alice clutched his hand. She liked the weight of his hand in hers and was shocked that it felt so comfortable. She would miss this.
It was that fact Alice was pondering when Jasper interrupted her melancholy thoughts. "Chocolate, Ali?"
She felt uncharacteristically weepy at his calling 'Ali'. One reason was she hated any sort of nicknames. The other reason...she loved when he said it. The emotion made her want to hit something, preferably a face.
Instead, she said simply, "Chocolate."
Jasper looked at her worriedly. Where was her snarky commentary? Was she ill? Even though Alice ate multiple cups with gusto, he knew that the crab soup at lunch smelled off. He wanted to nurse her back to health with a pair of Buddy Holly thick frames. "Are you all right, darlin'?"
"Uh huh." Alice looked blankly at the assorted glass containers that held candies of all sorts to decorate the creamy concoctions.
"Oh," he stated, deciding to shake her out of it. "I was thinking of putting red candy hearts on mine. I think you should do it, too. We'll be twins."
Jasper took her into his arms and pulled her close. "We can get tee-shirts that read 'My Man is Hot Stuff'. Mine will say 'My Lady Likes it on Top'."
That was enough to wake Alice up. She pushed away from him and scowled. "Are you crazy, Blondie? It seems you Hollywood types are truly disturbed and I..."
"That's my girl," he said simply, with a grin.
She attempted to grin back at him, but it came out as a grimace. "We need to talk."
"You aren't ending this," he said, turning to Mrs. Newton who stood at the counter. "Two chocolate sundaes with lots of whipped topping. Ali loves it."
Mrs. Newton swooned when Jasper winked at her.
"I can end anything I want!" Alice stomped her foot like a toddler.
"No." He smiled at her and turned to the Newton matriarch. "My lady loves me and wants heart sprinkles for our sundaes."
"I never...well...did I say that? No! I didn't say that!"
He grinned. "You didn't have to. The look in your eyes is the same that I get when I think about how much I love you."
Jasper pulled Alice into a deep kiss, as Mrs. Newton swooned behind them.
"That was the most brilliant thing I've ever heard!" Edward cried, interrupting Alice's story. "Should I say things like that to you, Bella?"
Bella thrust her hand over Edward's mouth. "Be quiet! Alice, could you please get to why Jasper, Tanya and Mrs. Newton are in handcuffs? It looks like an ice cream factory blew up in there!"
"I see how it is, Isabella!" Alice spat. "You're all about me burying my feelings and wanting me to open up until there was an actress-instigated food fight that led to multiple arrests!"
"Yes! Get on with the story!" Bella threw her hands up in the air in annoyance. Edward quickly wrapped himself around her. He was so touchy-feely today. To tell the truth, Bella loved every minute of it.
Alice took a deep breath and proceeded to tell her tale.
The kiss was one that Alice could feel in her toes. She had never experienced anything like the way she felt for Jasper and was mightily peeved when she was forcibly pulled away from him.
"I don't think the lady wants your slobbery, fish lips on her!" Tanya exclaimed, one hand gripping Alice's upper arm and the other hand pushing down the large pair of plastic granny glasses she had purchased on a rack at the drugstore downtown.
"What are you doing here, crazy?" Alice asked, her eyes wide. This woman was nuttier than a fruitcake.
Tanya gripped both of Alice's hands in hers. "I need you to give me a chance to win your heart. I know I can do it. Show you just what a shimmering spirit you are."
"That's a great line!" Edward squeezed Bella. "That sounds like it was from Tanya's TV movie, Love Behind the Gilded Gates. Tanya played a nun who fell in love with a handicapped grounds man who had a pure soul. It was Emmy-worthy, I tell you!"
Bella stepped on his foot.
"Ouch!" he groaned. "I'll be quiet."
Jasper gently removed Tanya's hands. "We've always gotten along, haven't we? I've always respected you and your acting abilities, but you're getting confused. Alice isn't interested in you, honey. We love each other, Alice and I."
"You have to keep throwing around that 'love' word," Alice muttered. Jasper just kissed her head.
Though Jasper's words were gentle, Tanya's face went from pink to flaming red with anger. Sputtering, she screamed, "I always get what I want!"
She grabbed the freshly-made sundae off the counter and hurled it at Jasper who quickly ducked, causing it to ricochet off a cow statue and land in the hair of Karen Harris, the town librarian. The woman looked dazed for a moment, but in true librarian fashion stood up and placed a finger to her lip saying, "Hush!"
In true diva fashion this had sent Tanya into a bigger fury, which would put even the best actor meltdowns to shame. Down went glass jars filled to the brim with red hots and sprinkles; they hit the floor and shattered, spilling the contents throughout the store. The fiery actress ran behind the counter and had pushed the startled Mrs. Newton out of the way. Tanya grabbed handfuls of ice cream from the containers and flung the creamy concoctions on the poor citizens of the bayside town.
Jasper and Alice ducked behind an overturned table. He said with a smile, "I bet you never imagined the day turning out like this?"
"Who would?" Alice admitted, smirking.
Alice peeked around the table to see the most wondrous sight filling her eyes. Mrs. Newton, in an attempt to defend her store, tried to pull a chunk of dripping pistachio ice cream from Tanya's hand. It ended up being slammed into the poor older woman's face, which caused her to slip, pulling the younger woman down onto the floor with her.
The two women then slid across the floor, taking down innocent bystanders like bowling pins. Once they had come to a stop, Alice had thought the fight would have ended. Instead, Tanya and Mrs. Newton began wrestling on the floor like professional women mud wrestlers. It had been hilarious and ranked as one of the best days of Alice's life.
"That's when Deputy Dingbat walked in and ruined all the fun!" Alice complained, adding nonchalantly, "He also arrested Jasper."
"Excuse me, Edward. Alice, be nice!" Bella stated, as she stomped over to where Mike had moved closer to Jasper and was interviewing witnesses. "Take off Jasper's handcuffs, Mike. Hey there, Jasper."
Jasper looked up and gave her a little nod.
"This is official police business, Miss Swan. I must ask that you head home now." Mike scowled at Jasper. "This one will be spending the night in the big house."
"My dad won't allow that and you'll only end up on traffic detail again. The construction crews just mock you and play practical jokes on you the whole time. Is that really worth the stress? She's never been interested, Mike! Everyone knows you've been pining for Alice since high school, but it isn't going to happen between you."
"There's always a chance," he stated, sadly.
Bella pointed to Tanya. "Do you want to end up like that lunatic over there? She thinks that Alice is her one and only. You're too smart to act like this, Mike. If you really care for Alice, then do the right thing. She'll appreciate you more if you do."
Mike looked up into the sky and gave a big sigh. He looked back at Bella and nodded with a frown. "I know you're right. I'll let him go."
He removed Jasper's handcuffs and before she even realized what she was doing, Alice had run over to him, peppering his face with kisses. Bella looked at them in shock.
Edward took Bella's hand and whispered into her ear, "Isn't that romantic?"
"It would be in Bizarro World, Superman."
"What? I don't get that," he said, his handsome face blank with confusion.
Bella explained, "Bizarro World like in the Superman comics."
"I've never read those, but my agent said I was up for the role of Superman in some movie," Edward stated proudly.
"Of course you were." Bella rolled her eyes. "Take me home."
They strolled down the street hand-in-hand, followed closely by Jasper and Alice. As they approached the Swan's house, a man was sitting on the front porch steps reading Entertainment Weekly. Bella dropped Edward's hand and yelled out, "Jake, what are you doing here?"
The man stood up and Bella ran over to him, throwing her arms around him. The man, Jake, spun her around quickly, which made Bella start punching his broad shoulders. She complained, "I'm gonna be sick, dude!"
Jake gave her another huge hug.
Edward was enraged. The man hugging his girl was movie star-handsome, with jet-black hair, a muscled physique and a tight t-shirt. Edward wanted to break his face but was also a little scared of him. He started strolling over confidently, but became a little more hesitant. An action hero Edward was not, but a romantic lead - definitely.
Bella turned to Edward with a huge smile. "Edward, this is my best friend Jake!"
Edward gave him a manly glare, but it immediately turned into a look of shock as the man said in a high-pitched voice, "Girl, he's cuter in person than when he's on TV! I'm a huge fan, Mr. Cullen!"
Jake blushed at Edward, who immediately beamed. After teenaged girls, Edward Cullen was very popular with gay men.
"It's wonderful to meet you, Jake!" Edward shook Jake's hand vigorously. "What are you doing here? Visiting my Bella?"
Jake turned to Bella with a worried expression. "I'm so sorry! I didn't want him to come!"
"Shit!" Bella turned pale.
Alice sneered. "I would say hello first, but instead I'll say 'what the fuck', Jake!"
"I'm sorry!" Jake whimpered.
Jasper walked over to a confused Edward and asked, "Do you have any clue as to what's happening?"
"No, but..."Edward started to say, but a tall man with artfully-tousled sandy hair came out of a Mercedes parked nearby. Normally, Edward would applaud the man's stylist except that the look on Bella's face worried him. She looked like she wanted to vomit.
"Bella, sweetheart, are you all right?" Edward asked. He hugged her to his body tightly.
The man came up to Bella and with a crocodile smile announced, "Did you miss me?"
"Who are you?" Edward asked.
Alice's face grew determined as she walked up to him. Ignoring Edward, the man said to Alice, "You must be Bella's sis..."
Alice punched him in the gut and said simply, "Bitch."