**Trigger warning! Contains self-harm… sort of.**

"And one mocha cappuccino for you, my good sir." Phil sat down across from me in Starbucks. We were sitting in the spot I'd claimed in "A Day in the Life of Phil and Dan." The mood had lightened an unbelievable amount from earlier. Along with my idea to head to Starbucks, Phil seemed to completely forget about this morning. As we walked here he was so playful and happy, which of course made me happy as well. Believe me, that boy really knows how to brighten anyone's day. I sat and stirred my drink, watching him as he fumbled with his phone, trying to pull it out of his jean pocket. We engaged in the usual small talk, shooting video ideas back and forth. I couldn't stop smiling, watching him become so enthusiastic and excited about all these ideas we had, he was like a little kid in a candy shop.

We eventually made our way back to the flat, both of us hyper from coffee, laughing the whole way back. I pressed the button for the lift, and I went to say something to Phil, but I stopped myself. His blue eyes were focused on nothing but space; he was off in his thoughts somewhere. We stepped into the lift, him leaning against the wall across from me as the door slid shut. We began to move up, and that's when he blurted it out.

"I love you," the words were like silk, those three words had never meant as much as they did in this moment. We stood in silence.

"You, what?" These were the only words I had managed after what I had just heard. I saw so much intent and focus in his face; he had made a decision and was sticking to it. He crossed the small space in the lift, came so close that our noses were almost touching. His hands gently slid onto my hips and he leaned into to me… Ding. The door to the lift opens and a man dressed in a suit stepped in, a phone to his ear, as Phil quickly backed away from me. Phil and I stood in silence with the man until the door opened to our floor. Phil stepped out first, picking up to a very fast walk as the lift door shut behind me. He slammed the side of his fist against the wall beside the door. He fished for his keys in his jacket pocket but couldn't seem to find them, so I saw him lean against the wall and wait till I had reached the door. I pulled out my key.

"Phil, once I open this door, can you promise you won't go into your room? I want to talk about this right now." He nodded slowly and I slid my key into the door and opened it. He walked past me and into the bathroom, shutting to door behind him.

I sighed and sat the keys down on the breakfast bar. Phil rarely ever has a temper, but it's best to just leave him be when does. I walked around the kitchen, opening random cabinets. I wasn't searching for anything particular, just occupying myself. I spotted a kitchen knife lying on the counter. Dan, No. Not right now. Phil wouldn't want that. I picked it up, turning it in my palm, so tempting. Then the bathroom door opened. I quickly laid the tool down as I turned to face Phil, making sure he didn't notice. Phil headed for one of the sofas, and I followed to sit down beside him. My nerves were building up, and I wasn't entirely sure what to say to him.

"It got messed up." Phil turned to look at me, tears in his eyes. I gave him a puzzled look; I wasn't sure what he meant.

"I was so ready to do something I'd been dying to do for years. I spent the day thinking about it, making sure it played out exactly right, and then some guy had to come in and ruin everything. In a second everything got thrown off-"

"Phil. Did you mean what you said?"


"In the lift," I took a breath, "you…. You said you loved me." Phil put his face in his hands, wiping the tears away.

"Daniel Howell. I would never ever lie about anything like that to you, I meant it. Getting those words out was the most terrifying thing I've ever done. I thought you'd hate me for it or be weirded out or just something…" Phil rambled and my mind trailed off. Maybe I should take the chance he wanted to take. It's my turn to step up. I turned toward him and laid my hand on his leg, so he'd turn to look at me.

There's no turning back, not this time.