He's playing with my hands again. Honestly, Willow, I'm trying to listen to you, but the way he's holding my hands, it's just so distracting. And I know you're not happy, Xander. You can stop looking at Spike and I, because that face you're making isn't going to help create any huge problem between us that we can't cause by ourselves.
God, I wish I could make you understand. I wish there were words that could describe how he makes me feel. Sometimes I can't even describe it to myself, let alone other people.
Everything about him is just so simple in comparison to
the rest of the world. He's a vampire, I'm the Slayer. He's a vampire in love
with the Slayer, and I'm… well, I'm the Slayer who's letting herself get swept off
her feet by the vampire.
Sitting here, relaxing across Spike's lap, it just puts me at ease. To be in the arms of someone who absolutely loves you is incredible. Spike makes me feel so calm, he eases the tension out of my muscles without even a single attempt at massaging me. It's just… him. Spike is a vampire, and I'm the Slayer, capable of killing vampires, giant snakes, and superhuman droids, yet he makes me feel safe. There's nothing more protective than his solid yet supple arms and chest.
The only thing is, I don't know for sure if I love him or not. We make love every night. Some half-assed patrolling and then it's down to his crypt. Sometimes we don't even make it that far. And, I love it. I love the way his punches can sting like arousing flames, the way his teeth on my flesh can be like injecting myself with an aphrodisiac. I love what he does to me, but I still don't know if I love him. Sometimes I think I do, and sometimes I think I'm just fooling myself.
I'll try to love him though. I want to love Spike, because I know how much he loves me. I know that he'd go to the ends of the earth for me, and that no matter what, Spike won't ever leave me.
Spike is the only man I can think of who's right for me, anyway. If not because he loves me, then because of what he can do to me, and what I can do to him. No man, not even the strongest of them all, has the endurance or strength to make a perfect lover for any Slayer. No one has the brutality to be able to hit me square in the jaw, and then caress the bone a moment later, knowing there won't actually be a bruise. No one I've been with has been ruthless enough to trust themselves, or me, with doing that. I was built to fight vampires, and demons, and apparently I was also made to love them, too. He's the only one who gets that.
He's still playing with my hands. I love watching his fingers as he does. I love the way it looks, his stronger, paler fingers snaking against my smaller ones. It feels good, too. Especially right now… his touch is becoming a little more… fidgety. It's insistent, and increasingly sensual, as if my hands are just symbols of what's really on his mind. Spike's train of thought can be quite dangerous at times.
Oh God… Oh… God I wasn't expecting that! Okay, I was, but… he's so hard. If only I were just leaning into him a little more… having it press against my thigh just isn't satisfying.
Now his hands have let go of mine… he's trying to… no. Not here. I want you to; I really do… because I know how good it feels. The way your fingers can find just the right places… but no. Not in front of everyone.
Here, wrap them around my waist; pull me closer… like that… there we go. Wait, bad idea… fuck, your body is so cold, so refreshing.
You're breathing. No, wait, you're smelling me, God, your breath is sliding against the back of my neck. I shouldn't have used that shampoo, or put on so much of that perfume you like…
Spike! What are you doing!? Don't put your hand there! You think… they can't see you… doing… oh… God… Sp… Spike. You're even making my thoughts stutter. You've got to stop. I don't want you to, but it's the middle of the day. There's no way in Hell that we'd make it to your crypt.
Oh God… please forgive me guys, but… "Hey Willow"… okay, Buffy, steady your breath. Breathe. Breathe. That's it. "Why don't you guys take Dawn out for lunch…"