The last words echo in his mind. They come at the strangest of times. He can be lost in a task, completely preoccupied, and then it will hit him hard enough to make him stumble in reverse. Her name rings like bells on the battered ruins of a small chapel. He may have lost so many things in his past, but she found a way to bring them back. Wouldn't it be something if he could bring her back?
He finds himself in a place of memories. Everywhere he looks, he sees her laughing face. Her smile could light the entire world, and he finds darkness without it. It's just a girl, he tells himself. There have been others before her, people he cared for deeply. But, when he thinks about her messy blonde hair and shining eyes, he knows that she isn't just anybody. She's the person who taught him how to be whole.
As he wanders the streets alone, he gazes into the skies and wonders if she's out there missing him as much as he misses her. He has to ask himself if he's gone mental, searching for closure and answers that do not exist. Her life is separate from his, and it always will be. Even so, he thought he saw her name in the stars. They all burnt out and left a storm cloud of ash raining from the midnight sky. Well, not exactly, but that's how he sees it. This isn't the first time his entire world has caught fire and dissolved into dust. He managed to rebuild his life from the remnants, but only because of her. She made him better in so many ways.
People see the darkness rising in him, and they ask what has changed. He tells them that she's gone. They understand even though they never knew her. He doesn't tell them just how badly it hurts, for sometimes he can actually be quite sentimental. It'd be impossible to keep his image, the one who always carries on no matter how alone or hopeless they feel, if he told them the truth. He sees her everywhere. He hears the accent of her voice. He kept a piece of her clothing for months, holding in his arms it as though she were still wearing it. Some nights, if he's lucky, he smiles and laughs when he remembers the good times.
Fact of the matter is that he did not want to say goodbye. He didn't want to lose her. He wanted her with him for the rest of time. She was his best mate, his love, his perfect girl. But, he can't say that. No, he carries on. He looks up at the sky and pretends that he doesn't see her name. The stars are shining in his eyes, and everyone can see it. But he lies. He smiles. He tells them it's all right. He doesn't stop, not for a second.
Her name keeps him fighting. Her memory keeps him sane.
And he lost her.
Her name was Rose. Rose Tyler.
A/N: Originally written in first person as a journal entry about my real life. Adapted for fan fiction, so it may seem stilted. If that's the case…I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. ;)
x Her name was Julia. Julia Rose. x