Shinobi Love Mission

Ehh... I was attempting at a humorous one-shot, but I think my humor has just about been dried up - evidence that I am stressed out. Still lemme know what you think!

Summary: The Konoha shinobi decide to find the best date for Naruto for Valentine's Day without his knowing.

"I said all ladies love me, dattebayo!" At Naruto's yell, Gai's eyes streamed with tears and he began blubbering about the flames of youth. The other members of the group – Uchiha Sasuke, Rock Lee, Nara Shikamaru, Hyuuga Neji, Inuzuka Kiba, Aburame Shino, Hatake Kakashi, Sai and Akimichi Chouji – did not seem as impressed.

"Don't be offended if I don't agree with you, Naruto-kun," Shino said in his characteristic low tone. All heads turned to Shino, and the entire group sweat dropped. They were in the Konoha baths, enjoying the steamy sauna, but Shino had not removed his shades. Sai gave a faux smile, and Naruto's eye twitched.

"E-eto…. Shino…" he stuttered, caught in that weird place between annoyance, exasperation and frustration. Apparently realizing that his companions refused to believe in his self-proclaimed prowess with the gentler sex even though they were not saying much, Naruto stood and reached for a towel. His face took on a determined expression, his eyes blazing. "I guess I will just have to prove it to you," he declared obstinately, stalking out of the baths and to the changing rooms.

There was dead silence in the sauna until the exterior door slammed, obviously falling prey to the wrath of the jinchuuriki. The silence extended a couple of seconds.

"Dickless will definitely not get a girl by tomorrow," Sai stated, faux smile still intact. There was more silence and then all heads turned to Kakashi, who was emitting a deranged aura of such mischief it was palpable. What was the Copy-nin thinking up now? Kiba was the one to speak up, unintentionally drawing all the members of the group into Kakashi's soon to be known devious plan.

"Kakashi-sensei… why are you giving off such a deranged vibe?" Kiba asked, probably since his heightened senses made it too much to bear. Shikamaru tensed. 'This is going to be so troublesome,' he thought, suddenly wishing he had not allowed Naruto to steamroll him into joining the group at the sauna. But then, it had been too troublesome to refuse. Shikamaru groaned inwardly at the sparkle in Kakashi's exposed eye.

"We all love Naruto, right?" Kakashi asked. There was a moment before everyone hesitantly nodded. "And we all know he's not a ladies' man, right?" The nods took longer to happen this time around as apprehension set in with more than one of the males in the sauna. The pressure had Chouji reaching for a bag of potato chips. There was a series of loud crunches as he chewed nervously. Kakashi continued. "So, we don't want him to be disappointed and embarrassed, right?" The men leaned forward at this, Kakashi's deranged vibe infecting them all. The heads shook vigorously this time – yes, even Shikamaru's – as they listened to the Copy-nin. "So, here's what we have to do…"

The hair at the back of Hinata's neck bristled. Someone was watching her. Not wanting to allow the intruder to notice she was aware of them, Hinata continued digging in the soft earth, preparing it for the seed she was about to drop into it. The soft sounds of her spade scraping against the earth and the rustle of the leaves as a soft wind blew filled the air. Still, Hinata was on guard. Her Byakugan activated, she waited for the correct time to turn and see her stalker. That time never came for suddenly Hinata found herself unable to move. A small measure of panic crept through her insides and her brain scrambled for a way to get free.

"Who are you?" she asked the shinobi/kunoichi that was behind her. There was no answer. Something hit the back of her head and, as she collapsed, she caught sight of an ANBU mask before all went black.

Sakura stepped out into the hallway of the Konoha hospital and leaned against the door of one of the patient's rooms, her pink hair falling around her face. The eighteen year old was one of the top three greatest medics in the world and this status caused her to have to take care of the most grueling cases at the most inopportune times. The pink haired beauty only wanted to pamper herself today in preparation of Valentine's Day, which was tomorrow, and sort through the Valentine's cards for the one shinobi she felt like spending the day with.

An aide rushed through the halls, relief visible on his face when he saw her. He looked next to tear in relief, in fact.

"Haruno-sama…" he huffed, "Thank Kami I found you!" He paused, trying to catch his breath. Sakura's medic instinct kicked in. This must be another high profile case. "You are needed in room B10, Haruno-sama," the aide finally managed, shoving a clipboard into Sakura's chest.

"Don't worry, Kabiri-san," Sakura said. "I will do my best to help out," Sakura reassured the man, rushing down the halls despite her weariness. As she ran, she looked to the clipboard, which only read 'Top Secret'. 'Top secret?' Sakura thought as she ran. This must be yet another ANBU patient, or S-rank mission patient; one of those who were captured in bad shape and had to be healed up before interrogation. Sakura popped a soldier pill in her mouth since her chakra was greatly depleted after healing that ANBU in room 406.

Sakura rushed past aides, nurses and other medics on her way to the underground floor of the hospital where sensitive cases were treated. She stopped in front of the door, paused for a calming breath, then pushed into the room. She stalked over to the bloody form on the bed, and had just realized that it wasn't a human being before hard fingers jabbed into her body, interrupting her chakra flow, before a hard tap to her neck had her falling to the floor. Before she was unconscious, Sakura thought, 'A Hyuuga?' and barely noticed the ANBU mask before her world became black.

Yamanaka Ino smiled at the good looking shinobi who was blushing furiously while handing her a red heart-shaped card. 'Yattaaaahhh!'Inner Ino cheered. 'Our dieting worked! We are so much more desirable now!' The shinobi smiled tentatively at her, then backed out of the flower shop. Ino's smile widened as the next customer came in. Her eyes darted to his well defined abs which were revealed due to his cropped black jacket. Sai. Inner Ino swooned and fainted from a nosebleed.

"Hello, Sai," Ino said, smiling calmly even though her heart was racing. The ex-Root member smiled back at her, and it wasn't quite as fake as his usual ones.

"Hello, Pretty," Sai replied, walking closer to the counter. Inner Ino jumped back to life, pumping her fists into the air and cheering. 'We shall get a Valentine from Sai if it's the last thing we do!' Sai pulled a tiny scroll from his backpack and placed it on the counter. "For you," he said, then waved, turning and walking from the store. Ino opened the little scroll with shaking fingers. Her heart pumped in anticipation of the message.

'Outside in three minutes. Behind the greenhouse.' The message read. The smile on Ino's face stretched her cheeks and she gave a little jump in anticipation. In exactly three minutes, Ino was behind the greenhouse, waiting. Sai stepped from the shadows, smiling at her. Ino tried to move towards him, but found her legs were unable to take a step. Confusion and panic set in when Sai approached and tapped the back of her neck. Her knees crumpled and she fell to the ground unconscious.

"Hyah!" Tenten screamed as she attacked the training dummy with reckless abandon. A sound behind her caught her attention. Turning round, she saw Lee with a determined expression on his face. Must be something youthful, Tenten guessed. Something looked different about Lee today, but Tenten couldn't pick up what. She soon realized when he attacked with blinding speed. Tenten, already tired from training for hours, couldn't keep up with Lee's movements, and was soon staggering from exhaustion. Lee stopped attacking, and backed away slowly. Tenten looked up in question of his uncharacteristic actions, but the words never made it out of her mouth as a hand clamped over her lips and nose. She struggled, wondering why Lee wasn't coming to help her even though she was beseeching him with her eyes. Instead he simply watched as her body went limp and the darkness took over.

'Most likely I can get Ino to be my valentine. She likes me, right?' Naruto thought as he cheerfully but determinedly made his way to the Yamanaka flower shop. He approached the counter, fully expecting to see Ino behind it, and called out to her, but was met with silence. 'I guess she must be out, then,' Naruto thought. Oh well, there were other girls. The blonde jinchuuriki thought of Hinata, then pushed the image of the Hyuuga cutie from his mind, even though his heartbeat sped up a bit at the thought of her. No, maybe Tenten would be more receptive. She was always at the training grounds, so most likely he would find her there.

Naruto knew before he entered the training grounds that Tenten wasn't there, particularly because it was quiet, and Tenten wasn't the most quiet while training. His shoulders slumped. That made the second absentee kunoichi. Naruto didn't really want to ask anyone that he didn't really know to be his valentine.

'Fine, I guess I will have to brave Sakura's fists and ask her then,' the jinchuuriki decided, shuddering a bit as he thought of the pink-haired medic's most likely response. Naruto barely realized as he walked into the hospital that there seemed to be no female nurses around. The person he did see though, was a male aide that had a particularly nervous expression when he spotted Naruto.

"Hey, have you seen Sakura?" Naruto asked him. The man shrunk to the ground in front of Naruto, shaking and sweating profusely.

"P-p-please," he stuttered, "don't hurt me! I did everything they asked." Naruto's left eyebrow raised and a confused expression shone from his eyes. The aide cowered, pushing his back into the wall. He whimpered when Naruto advanced.

"Just tell me where she is," Naruto questioned. The aide gulped.

"It's top secret," he attempted to say, but ended up whispering due to his nervousness. Naruto rolled his eyes and stalked out of the hospital. Fine. He had to ask Hinata then. Naruto fought the acceleration of his heartbeat and the burning of his cheeks as he made his way to the Hyuuga compound. On his way there, Naruto finally noticed that no young kunoichi or young female civilians seemed to be around. What was going on? Naruto figured everyone was getting ready for the big day tomorrow. He had to get a date! He had to show the others that women liked him. Naruto walked into the Hyuuga compound with purposeful strides.

Fifteen minutes later, Naruto was confused. Where was Hinata, Sakura, Ino and Tenten?

"Still no date, Dickless?" Naruto knew before he turned that it was Sai.

"Dickless? I'm not dickless, you are!" Naruto returned with righteous indignation. Sai gave a faux smile.

"I've seen yours, Naruto, and mine is bigger," Sai said in a monotone, his fake smile still in place. Naruto punched him in the face. Sai wiped the blood from his nose and continued smiling. He followed Naruto as he walked through the village. They bumped into Kakashi.

"Ah, Naruto," Kakashi said, his smile only evident because of his exposed eye. "How is your quest for the elusive valentine going?" Naruto grit his teeth.

"It's going just as I planned," Naruto growled.

"He's lying," Sai piped up from behind. "He hasn't found anyone yet." Naruto turned on Sai, who was more than annoying him at this point.

"As if you can talk, Sai. Have you found someone yet?" Knowing Sai, he wouldn't have one either. The male was so blatantly honest and socially awkward that girls tended to shy away from him.

"Well, yes, Dickless." The fake smile was replaced by a real one. "Inamiko-chan from the kunai repair shop accepted my valentine." How was this even possible? That Sai had a date and he didn't was unacceptable! To make matters worse, all the young women seemed to be unavailable. Naruto groaned. "Why, everyone has a valentine, except you, Naruto. Even Shino the weirdo has a valentine," Sai continued to Naruto's annoyance. Kakashi was visibly attempting to hide a grin.

"What's going on, Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto asked, feeling a few of Kakashi's maniacal vibes which were still being emanated from him. Kakashi's exposed eye narrowed and he peered into the distance.

"Do you hear that? I think someone's calling me," Kakashi mumbled, and trotted off in a random direction.

Elsewhere, Lee and Gai were discussing the flames of youth as they set up Kakashi's plan.

"This plan is so very useful, Gai-sensei!" Lee exclaimed.

"I agree, Lee! We will have to come up with a better plan next year to surpass our eternal rival Kakashi! The flames of youth burn within us, Lee!" Gai declared, holding one fist up in the air in a dramatic pose. Lee faced him, in the mirroring pose.

"Gai-sensei, if we fail this mission, let us climb up the Hokage mountain using only one hand and our teeth, then run three hundred laps around the village!" Lee declared, holding his pose.

"Lee! That is such a youthful idea!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Guy-sensei!"

"Lee!" Even though it was only midday, the outside area took on the appearance of sunset behind Gai and his diligent pupil, who both had tears of youthfulness streaming down their faces.

Sakura struggled against her bonds. Where was she? Her surroundings appeared to be some sort of shed. A muffled sound to her right caught her attention. Was that Hinata? And also Ino and Tenten? The gag around her mouth prevented her from calling out to them. The bonds around her were also far too tight for her to get rid of them. Hinata's wide eyes had her Byakugan activated, however, them being bound and gagged made it impossible for them to communicate. A distorted voice came over an intercom system.

"Hello, girls. You must be wondering what this is all about. You see, we are here to execute a plan. And you girls are going to help us!" At that moment, a door opened and in the shaft of light stepped two men. One was an ANBU, and the other was … Hinata's heart sunk. Naruto? He was also bound and gagged. 'Every time you fail a command, Naruto here will be beaten,' the voice continued. 'Teamwork is not accepted, hence, you will be split up to do your individual chores. Remember, failure means Naruto will be beaten. Questioning a command means Naruto will be beaten. Attacking your guards means Naruto will be beaten. Hesitation means Naruto will be beaten. You will have specific tasks. If you fail all you are assigned, something terrible will happen to you and Naruto will be tortured. You only have one shot at each task. Good luck, ladies," the voice intoned without emotion. The intercom clicked off and ANBU guards entered the room, two men to each girl, and pulled them out of the room. The one that had Naruto had disappeared with the blonde jinchuuriki.

"Yamanaka Ino, you have to flash Hatake Kakashi as he comes around that corner," the ANBU guard intoned, pointing to the corner of Kakashi-sensei's flat. Ino's face flushed red.

"Hell no!" she declared. She instantly regretted her impulsive reaction, however, for a cry of pain from Naruto followed the sickening sound of flesh meeting flesh. "I'm sorry!" she declared quickly. "I'll do it!" The ANBU guard shook his head in a two short jerks.

"You have failed the first mission. On to the next." The guard pushed Ino into the woods at the edge of the village then pointed to a fat cat that was rubbing itself against a tree. The cat belonged to one of the more influential people in Konoha. A kunai was shoved into her hand. "Kill the cat," the guard commanded. Ino's eyes widened.

"Are you serious? I can't kill Yamoto-san's cat!" Again, the sound of the ANBU guard's fist connecting with Naruto's stomach made Ino cringe. She rushed the cat, but the ANBU guard stopped her.

A few minutes later, they were at the river that Jiraiya-sennin liked to come to for the purpose of writing his Icha Icha novels. "Strip and cross the river for that patch of plants with the blue flowers," the ANBU intoned, pointing to a lone patch of flowers on the other side of the river. The thought of Jiraiya-sennin being somewhere in the bushes watching made Ino's blood boil. Still, the ANBU were pulverizing Naruto, so she should try, right? A muffled groan of pain as the ANBU hit Naruto again caused Ino to swing around.

"What was that for?" Ino demanded, her voice shaking. The ANBU looked up at her.

"You hesitated," was his simple reply. Ino's blood ran cold. She had two more strikes to go. What other seemingly meaningless task did they have planned for her? Ino gathered her wits and decided she must get these other two tasks done.

Ino stared at the large bowl of ramen in front her. She could basically see the fat. She grimaced in disgust. "Eat," the ANBU said. The ramen not only looked fattening, it smelled a bit weird too. Ino dug in nonetheless, willing to sacrifice her figure for Naruto's sake. Her first bite proved that some things were not possible. All would hinge on that last task.

The ANBU stared at the overturned bowl of ramen on the floor. He looked up at Ino who still had a sick look on her face. "You are done here. Go home and await your punishment," the ANBU said, to Ino's surprise. He and Naruto disappeared in a cloud of smoke, leaving Ino sputtering in horror. What had she done?

Elsewhere, Tenten was on her first mission. The ANBU had taken her to the Hyuuga compound and had snuck her into the house Neji and his family lived in. One ANBU guard had Naruto in his grasp, and the other had his hand over her mouth and a kunai to her neck. As they got closer to the Hyuuga baths, the ANBU spoke.

"Hyuuga Neji needs to be taken care of for the execution of our plan. Your mission is to go into the showers and distract him in any way possible. Start with a kiss. Detain him for at least ten minutes. You have one chance at this, and failure is not accepted. Go," the ANBU commanded. Her cheeks reddening, Tenten entered the Hyuuga sauna, her heartbeat speeding up at the sight of Neji clad in only a towel as he exited the sauna. Who would have known that she would have been given this opportunity in order to save Naruto? She stalked up to him and kissed him.

Fifteen minutes later when the signal sounded from the ANBU guard, Tenten was reluctant to go, and Neji was reluctant to release her. He was still standing, one hand holding his towel to his waist and the other holding Tenten's head firm as he kissed her senseless. Who knew the haughty Hyuuga would be so sensuous? Still, Tenten was afraid that stalling for an overly long time would have negative repercussions on Naruto, so she broke the kiss, locking Neji's dazed expression into her mind's lockbox, and fled the Hyuuga compound.

The ANBU nodded sharply at her. "Congratulations, Tenten. You have successfully completed your mission." The ANBU was gone before Tenten could ask or say anything.

Meanwhile, Sakura was having a hard time. Her guard was so rude that the last two missions had been failures because she had lost her temper. The sound of Naruto's cries of pain were enough to make her decide to complete the mission no matter how much the ANBU guard taunted or annoyed her.

"Put this on," the guard said, shoving a ridiculous orange jumpsuit at her. "Run in the village and act as conspicuously as you can. Distract them all. Then, use the paints at the top of the Hokage mountain and paint graffiti all over them. Just like what Naruto did years ago." Sakura stiffened; her respect for the Hokages and herself keeping her rooted to the spot. She felt immediate regret when the ANBU punched Naruto in the gut several times, causing the youth to cry out in pain.

The ANBU guard took her to a room where several people lay on gurneys, moaning in pain. There were some older people and some young children lying bloody, battered and bruised on the gurneys. And there was Sasuke. His mouth was swollen and sore and he had a black eye.

"Choose one person to heal," the ANBU said dispassionately. Sakura immediately sped forward, her heart wrenching for the little children as she passed them and made a beeline for Sasuke. She healed him up and the guard grabbed her arm and pulled her from the room. "Some medic you are. Choosing a bruised lip and a black eye over suffering children," the ANBU chided, with derision in his tone. Sakura felt a bit of shame bite her at his words. "You can go home now," the ANBU said blandly, shoving Sakura up some stairs and out into the open.

Hinata blushed furiously at the command. Why did she have to walk through the men's showers to get a scroll in one of the lockers? Still, Naruto was depending on her. She could not fail him! Trying to keep her eyes averted, Hinata shuffled through the showers and pulled the scroll, bound by a red ribbon, from one of the lockers. She made it back to the ANBU, her face burning up after the catcalls and whistles of the appreciative shinobi. The ANBU nodded curtly to her and pulled her to the next location.

He handed her a ridiculous jumpsuit and told her to put it on. Thinking of Naruto, Hinata put on the jumpsuit without hesitation. She must protect Naruto! "Now, go into that hut and disable the man in it. Steal all the baskets in the hut and run through Konoha with them. Heat rushing to her cheeks, Hinata concentrated on not fainting as she ran to the hut. Inside the hut was a smiling old man of about sixty years. Feeling bad, but needing to protect Naruto, Hinata used her Byakugan and swiftly blocked the man's chakra pathways before grabbing his baskets of wares – trinkets and cloth – and ran from the hut, tearing through the village. Confused and alarmed stares bore through her as the villagers eyed her with surprise. Still, she must protect Naruto!

The ANBU informed her that her mission had been a success then took her to a small square building that seemed newly constructed. Pushing her inside, he showed her to a door that had a small peephole in it. Inside, Sasuke was sitting on a bed, reading a scroll.

"We need you to detain Sasuke in any way possible for the duration of ten minutes. Start with a kiss. Remember, if you fail, we will not hesitate to beat Naruto." Hinata nodded and blushed fiercely. How could she kiss Sasuke when… when… when N-n-naruto!? Still, she would rather kiss the jinchuuriki's teammate rather than have any pain inflicted him, so she approached Sasuke and dropped a chaste kiss on his forehead.

"H-h-hello, S-sasuke," she stuttered, her face getting redder by the second.

"Hn," Sasuke replied, giving her a cursory glance before looking back to his scroll. After a minute, he apparently couldn't endure her presence any more before he got up and turned to leave the room. Hinata reached out and grabbed his arm. He shrugged her off. Getting desperate, Hinata activated her Byakugan and quickly disabled the Uchiha, who was caught off guard.

"I'm s-s-s-sorry, S-sasuke-kun," Hinata stuttered.

"Hn," Sasuke replied. Before long, the signal for her to retreat sounded, and Hinata quickly fled the room as it had gotten more than just awkward there with Sasuke. The ANBU met her outside, and gave her her final mission. He shoved a paper in her hand.

"Do not read this paper. Put it in Naruto's room on his bed," the ANBU said. Hinata nodded, and even though curiosity at the paper's contents were burning a hole in her hand, she dutifully placed the paper on Naruto's bed, inhaling the smell of him in his flat before quietly slipping out.

Disheartened, Naruto pushed into his dark flat and groaned. He hadn't seen any of the girls, much less ask them on a date. He felt to punch a hole in his wall. Naruto flopped onto his bed, jumping up when he heard the crinkle of paper underneath him. His face lit up when he read the paper. YES!

Hinata slid into her room on shaking legs, trying not to think about the events of the day. Some parts of it still made her face redden. Her eyes caught sight of a small square of paper on her bed. As she took it up, words appeared on it.

'Hey Hinata-chan! Thank you for saving me today. If you will be my valentine, meet me at Ichiraku Ramen tomorrow at 7:00 am and we will have a great day together. Naruto.'

Hinata pressed the note to her face and let a grin slide across her face. 'N-naruto!' she thought.

The next day, Naruto awakened with excitement. He tried to temper it, but failed. Hinata had asked to be his valentine! As if he would turn that down! Just the thought of her staring at him with those pale eyes and saying "N-naruto!" was enough to make the blonde's heart race at double time. He stopped at Yamanaka Flower Shop for some red roses and bought a box of chocolates from the market. He still got to Ichiraku Ramen an hour early, only to find Hinata already there. Her eyes widened in alarm, as did his. She was here already?

"N-naruto?" Hinata started, blushing furiously. Naruto grinned and took her hand. At that moment, the group of guys that had been at the showers passed by, gifts in hand, as they set out to meet their respective dates. Naruto turned to them.

"I told you I would find someone special, dattebayo!" The group came to a halt outside Ichiraku Ramen, and a smile crept up onto Sai's face.

"I'm sure you had a lot of help with that, Dickless," Sai said slowly. The rest of the group snickered and they continued walking. Naruto frowned.

"I'm not Dickless, you are!" Naruto yelled at Sai's back as he walked away.

"Mine's bigger!" Sai yelled back, without turning his head.

"What are you all laughing at?" Naruto demanded, his grip tightening on Hinata's hand. The act made her cheeks redden.

"N-naruto…" she whispered. Naruto turned to her, confusion written all over his face.

"Do you know what they are laughing at, Hinata?" The lack of an honorific and the familiar implications of it made Hinata feel a bit faint.

"N-naruto…" she whispered again.

A/N:- N-naruto! LOL! Ummm not much to say except please review! Would love to know what you think of this!