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Disclaimer: TDS does not own Hellsing

Integra Wingates Hellsing hated meetings, especially budget meetings. Ironically, she was trapped in the longest, driest budget meeting of her life. The queen, apparently, felt that some of her organization's expenses were a bit... frivolous, and that her men had been reckless. It would be simpler to explain that this was the action of one man, technically one monster, who had no concept of money or regard for human life. That, however, would require introducing Her Royal Majesty to Alucard, the No Life King. That would end poorly.

Good call, a demonic voice inside her head chuckled. Ever since she had let Alucard take a sip of her blood to seal the pact of her ancestors, he had haunted her thoughts, quite literally. It was something she tried to ignore, but without avail.

Not now, Alucard, she shot back. I'm in a budget meeting.

Oh I know, the vampire retorted. I was listening in. They talk a lot, don't they?

I'm trying to pay attention, the woman replied.

You're spacing out. I know the difference.

Well I'm bored, Integra groaned. I can't help it.

You should try being locked in a dungeon. It's a real party down here... Alucard replied sarcastically.

"Shut up, would you?!" Hellsing shouted. The wide eyes of the investors stared at her, shocked by the outburst. She didn't telepathically say that last part, did she?

Look at what you did, Alucard, she swore. You made me shout at the financial backers.

Temper, temper, the ageless vampire mocked.

"My apologies," Integra told the investors, trying to regain face. "What I meant to say was -"

That your pet vampire was being an ass? Alucard suggested. That monsters were telepathically communicating with you? That you're crazy? Tourette syndrome?

"...that I can explain all of these expenses," she finished, ignoring the voice in her head.

"We would greatly appreciate that, sir," the lead investor, a fat parliamentary member, replied. "It is the purpose of this meeting after all."

"Thank you gentlemen," Integra graciously answered, rising from her chair to stand by the easel. "As you can see, the incident on November 14th was -"

A whole lot of fun, Alucard laughed. Young vampires are just so gullible!

"... a necessary response. The vampire inside had hostages," the Hellsing leader continued.

If by hostages you mean ghouls, then yes. He had a whole lot of hostages. I even let the police girl take a few.

"We entered the building by blasting a hole in the side. He had all the entrances guarded, so we made our own."

Blasting isn't the right word. It was more like punching...

"Though his traps were advanced, the vampire was quite inexperienced with his powers. He was easy prey for our men."

Men? Please, Alucard snorted. He would have eaten your men like candy. I just ripped his head off and watched him die.

"I would surmise that he was a military man during his human life."

Fat lot of good that did him.

"I accept that property was damaged, but I assure you it was quite necessary."

I just kicked the dumpster for fun. I did not think it would fly into the next house and squash anyone. You have to admit it was pretty funny, though.

Can it, you vampiric asshole! she shouted, this time telepathically.

Oh all right, master, he groaned, stretching the last word scathingly. Integra felt him fade from her subconsciousness, and sighed with relief.

She was halfway through explaining their company's three hundred and twelve casualties for the quarter when Alucard switched tactics. He began sending her mental images, and ones that certainly weren't safe for work. Integra felt her cheeks flush, but forced herself to focus on her speech. It didn't work; she was stammering like a fool.

Alucard, on the other hand, was enjoying himself. Each image he sent of his master in another... compromising... position only served to fluster her further. Integra Hellsing was normally so cool and collected. It amused him to no end to see her blush like a schoolgirl talking to the homecoming king. He wondered just how far he could push her.

Instead of telepathically sending embarrassing images, he upped the ante. They became raunchy images, involving him and her, together.

Keep your filthy mind to yourself, you creepy old man, she spat.

I have no clue what you are going on about, he feigned.

Yes, you do. This couldn't possibly be anyone else's work.

I'm not doing anything, the ancient vampire lied. But I will look into it if you undead demon was silent for a moment, forcing the most recent images back to the forefront of Hellsing's thoughts. Oh my, master. What a dirty mind you have, he laughed cruelly. I had no idea you thought of me that way.

I don't, she spat. Get out of my head. He ignored her, examining another image.

Now what do we have here? he wondered.

I told you to keep your dirty mind away from mine! she demanded, exasperated.

I have the dirty mind? You, master, are the one thinking about handcuffs. Integra could practically see the smirk on his face.

You're the one who made me think about it! the Hellsing director defended.

Fine, you caught me. I was tampering with your thoughts, he conceded. But the handcuffs were not my idea.

You started it! It was a weak defense and she knew it.

The link worked two ways. Integra saw Alucard's plan long before he could put it into action. No! You are not to ask the police girl for her handcuffs. That's an order, she thought angrily.

I got you to call her 'police girl', he thought smugly.

Seras! Stay away from Seras! she clarified.

Someone's jealous.

Don't be ridiculous, she seethed. I dare you to say such a thing to my face.

"How about the back of your head?" he growled in her ear.

Integra screamed bloody murder, but it was nothing compared to the sounds that escaped her investors. The Hellsing director emptied her side arm into the frustrating vampire's head as the financial advisors clawed at the door.

"Gentlemen," Sir Integra called, trying to regain order. They continued to panic.

"Gentlemen, it's okay," she repeated. One of the visitors looked away from the door. The vampire had been shot repeatedly. He looked quite dead. Slowly, the others followed suit and walked back to their chairs, rather frazzled. It appeared to be safe. Alucard chose that particular moment to move again. A wide, demonic grin spread across his face as he leered menacingly at the nearest man.

"Gentlemen, please," she said, one last time. "We are in no danger. This is Alucard, and he is under my control."

"Sup," the vampire said, by way of greeting. An investor fainted, causing a commotion as his chair crashed to the ground. "Anyone going to eat that?" Alucard asked.

Integra rolled her eyes. "No, Alucard. You may not eat our financial backers."

"You never let me have any fun," he sulked.

"Gentlemen, you will find that everything I have said in the past several hours was a lie, a cover up," she continued, ignoring the vampire's pouting. "I try not to reveal Alucard's existence. It... disturbs... people."

A very pale investor nodded. The No Life King smirked.

"You see," the Hellsing director started, eyes gleaming. "Alucard here is the best defense we British have against the supernatural forces clawing at out doors. My men have difficulty defeating even the youngest of vampires. Alucard is hundreds of years old. He could kill everyone in this room without so much as moving."

The acrid stench of urine filled the room. Integra couldn't help but smirk.

"It is a simple matter for him to keep us safe, and thanks to my ancestors, he is bound to my will." The investors looked at her, a new respect in their eyes.

"His methods are a bit... unorthodox, if you will. He is destructive and shows little mercy," she finished. Her eyes narrowed menacingly.

The first investor spoke up. "We see your point, Sir Integra," he said. "I, personally, have no further issue with your financial statements."

"Me neither," another chimed.

"Perhaps we should move to pass my proposed budget, then?" the Hellsing director proposed. "All in favor?"
The vote was unanimous.

Integra sighed with relief as the investors were escorted off the premises. At least she wouldn't have to suffer through another meeting like this for another year. She took a look at Alucard, who stood smirking beside her chair. He was clearly proud of himself.

"I should come to these meetings more often," he mocked. "They seem so entertaining. I cannot, for the death of me, understand why you find them such a chore."

"Thank you for scaring my financial advisors, Alucard," she sighed. She really was grateful that the meeting was over.

"Does this mean I can come to the next one?" he asked, though he knew the answer.

"Absolutely not!"