"You bitch," Kate greeted Billy as she sat down at the lunch table, where Tommy and Teddy were, also.

"What?" Billy questioned, not really knowing what Kate was talking about.

"Why wasn't I the first one to know that you're throwing a party tonight after your parents and the twin-zillas leave for a well needed vacay?" She said that last word with air quotes.

"You're having a party?" Teddy asked, a little surprised.

"No," Billy answered. "Since when am I having a party, Kate?"

"Well," she started, "Teddy obviously didn't know about it, neither did you, I just found out, and I'm not so sure that some random person would go around spitting something like that, so..." Everyone looked at Tommy, who at the moment was nonschalantly munching on some fries.

"Tommy," Billy said, agitatedly hitting him in the shoulder. "Why the hell would you do something like that?"

"Okay, one, Ow," Tommy said. "Two, I thought it was time for good bash. It's been a while."

"There's a reason for that," Teddy said. "You do remember what happened last time Billy threw a party when his parents weren't home, don't you?"

"It was just a small fire."

"You scorched the enitre kitchen," Kate added.

"Yeah," Billy stated. "You're lucky I magiced that whole shit-storm away."

"But," Tommy said, "that's the thing. If something goes wrong, you can just magic it away."

"But what you don't get is that magic doesn't work for everything and it's not always the answer for a sticky situation. So, I'm gonna say this loud and clear. Tommy, I am not having a party while my parents and- as Kate calls them- the twin-zillas are out town on a well needed vacay, got it?"

"Fine," Tommy agreed, feeling defeated.

"You know, B," Kate said, " while I really love how you just stood up for yourself, this is already across the Facebook and Twitter-spheres. If you don't do this, people will hate you long time. You gotta do it."

"Kate," Billy said. She gave him her 'What? You know I'm right.' looks. "Teddy, back me up."

Not really expecting to be called out, Teddy looked back and forth between Billy and Kate. He came up with a decision. "Billy," he started, "you gotta do it."

"See?" Kate rhetorrically questioned.

"Teddy, come on," Billy pleaded.

"Look," he said, "Billy. Would you rather have a party and risk getting in trouble or not have a party and definitely have almost everyone you know hate you?"

"Well...come on...shit. Fine. I guess we're having a party."

"Yes!" Tommy exclaimed in victory. This was gonna get interesting after all.


"I'm still not sure about this," Billy told Teddy over his cellphone while walking down the stairs.

"Babe, come on," Teddy said. "It's gonna be fine and it's gonna be fun. I'm on my way as we speak."

"And by on your way you mean-"


"At my front door?" Billy got to the door, turned the knob and lord behold, there was Teddy, in all his glory.

"Told you," he started, "on my way as we speak and now I'm here." Kate and Tommy appeared from behind him. "And I brought company."

"Well, come on in." Billy's parents and the twins walked out of the kitchen.

"Oh," Billy's mom said. "Hey Teddy. Kate. Tommy. So, what are you kids gonna be up to while we're gone?"

"You know," Kate said, "the usual. We rent some dvd's, pop some popcorn, down gallons of soda. It'll pretty much be like that the entire time you guys are gone."

"Okay," Billy's dad said. "If that's all, then we'll be outta you guys's hair. See ya."

Billy hugged his dad and gave his mom a kiss on their way out the door with the twins in tow.

"So," Billy started, "my parents are gone and so are the twins. Now, since we're having a party, who exactly is coming?"

"Trust me, Billy," Kate said nonschalantly, "there won't be that many people."


4 hours later

Shark Spray-Mustard Pimp

"There won't be that many people my ass," Billy thought as he walked down the hall from the bathroom. He had to dodge a girl dragging some guy somewhere to have sex, some weirdos almost getting down right then, right there, and some drunk jock who kept screaming in his face.

Billy took a double take of the screaming guy. It's not for what you thinking. He noticed a frat's name on the guys cap. "Crap," he said to himself. "College guys are here, too?" He got to the kitchen as fast as he could to find some dude doing body shots off Kate, who was shirtless at the moment. He grabbed her of the isle and pulled her over to the side. "Hey. Can we sidebar for a moment?"

"First," Kate started, releasing a hell of a burp, getting a cheers from some guys, "rude, you are. Second, we're sidebar-ing. So, what's the sitch?"

"Well, let's see. It's already bad enough that everybody here is getting hella drunked up, but there are also college guys here."

"Duh." Billy looked at Kate with a 'What?' look. "Billy, you should know by now that I have people everywhere. And you should really take a chill pill. Oh, you know what? Scratch that." She walked back over to the isle and concocted a little alcoholic glory. "Have a vodka, rum, and soda mix pill instead."

"No thank you," Billy rejected. "This party needs at least one sane person."

"OMG. Look at Teddy." They both glanced into the living room and saw Teddy, shirtless, on his knees downing a literal gallon of beer through a pipe. "Are you telling me you don't get in on a little bit of that action?" Billy looked back at Kate.

"Yup. That's exactly what I'm telling you."

Kate smiled. "I thought you'd say that. Hey, Teddy!"

Teddy stumbled over with a goofy smile on his face, also, for some reason, fondling his bare nipples. "Hey," he said. "What's up?"

"Well...what the hell are you doing?" Teddy looked down at himself and looked back up, grinning. "I don't know!" He and Kate burst into a fit of hysterical laughter. They gained some balance (barely) after a moment.

"Anyway," Kate said, "I need you to convince your beautiful boyfriend over here to get down with the best of us."

Teddy looked over at Billy and donned a look on his face as if he didn't notice that Billy was standing there the entire time. He smiled. "Oh hey! I didn't see you there . Why aren't you drinking?"

"Like I told Kate," Billy said, "I can't. Somebody's gotta watch out for these people."

"Oh, fuck that. There's plenty of designated drivers here already. Look," -he shooed Kate away for a moment and swung his arm around Billy's shoulders, pulling him to his front- "it's your party. Live a little."

"No," Billy said. "It's Tommy's party. He started this."

"Pssh. Tommy's not even here."

"Wait, what!? Figures. It's just like Tommy to ditch his own party. Where is he?"

"To be honest, I could give 2.5 fucks but I don't. So, you should just relax," -he pulled Billy even closer- "have a few drinks," -he reached down Billy's pants, grabbing at the nether-regions, causing Billy to gasp and maybe moan a little, while squeezing his eyes shut- "and live a little. What do you say?" Kate came back over with vodka, rum, and soda mix. Billy looked at it with worry.

"Ah, fuck it," he said, grabbing the cup and gulping it all down. Kate and Teddy cheered. This has definitely gotten a lot more interesting.


11 minutes later

Blackout-Breathe Carolina

When Billy let's loose, he let's the HELL loose. Not only did he single handedly toungue-tackle almost every frat boy in spin-the-bottle, but he dedicated an entire photo album on his cell phone to all the girls he got show him thier bras, which, of course, wasn't hard at all. Now, how 'bout we get to one of the biggest parts of the night.


Yup. You heard right. Billy did karaoke. First, there was Misery by Maroon 5.

"I am in Misery.

There ain't nobody who can comfort me. (Oh Yeah)

Why won't you answer me?

The silence is slowly killing me. (Oh Yeah)"

Then there was Payphone.

"I'm at a payphone, trying to call home.

All of my change I spent on you.

Where have the times gone?

Baby it's all wrong.

Where are the plans we made for two?"

He sang Blame It on the Alcohol. Hit Me Baby One More Time. The list goes on. Let's just say that he got his fill.

Lord knows he did when he and Teddy had a little party of they're own behind closed doors when everybody left or passed out. It was fun.


Next Morning

11:27 AM

Beep! Beep! Beep!

Billy hammered his alarm clock until it finally shut up. He sat up in his bed, rubbing his temples. His vision became a bit clearer and he got a good look at his room. Destroyed would be an understatement.

"How hard did we bang last night?" he thought. He looked over and saw Teddy, also naked, still knocked out cold, which he should be. Billy shook him. He grumbled and turned over, covering his ears with a pillow.

Billy slipped on some boxers off of the floor and ventured out the hallway. It was empty except for the shit piles of trash running through it. He found his way to the stairs and carefully edged down them. He took a look around the dining area and the living room. No people, but it definitely looked like it was attacked by the Booze-pocalypse.

He went to the kitchen and found Kate in her bra and panties, basically lying brain dead on the isle with a tie around her neck and Ray Bans on her face. Billy opened the fridge and pulled out the pitcher of orange juice. He was about to take a sip but paused and looked at it warily. He sniffed it and pulled back from the stench of alcohol that was poured in there. He put the pitcher back in the fridge, grabbed a glass, and got some water from the tap.

As he left the kitchen, he spotted his iPod connected to some speakers and put on the only kind of noise he could handle mid-hangover. Paradise by Coldplay. Billy walked over the landline and pressed the button for any messages somebody could of left. There was one. It was his dad.

"Hey, son," the message said. "You're probably too busy hanging out with your friends to answer this, but I'm sorry to tell you that our vacation got ruined. We're stopping at a motel for the night and we'll maybe be home at about noon. Have a good night."

When the message finished, Billy stood there for a moment, mouth hanging open a little. The glass of water slipped from his grasp and exploded on the hard wood floor. That broke him out his shock.

"Shit!" Billy exclaimed. He didn't have time to clean it up. After about five minutes of trying to wake Teddy and Kate up, he succeded. He told them about the dire situation and they all got to cleaning.

Teddy was in charge of clearing all the trash, Kate was in charge of furniture/appliance cleaning, and Billy was on mopping and sweeping duty. They were fifteen minutes in and half way done when Billy suddenly stopped on the stairwell.

"What is it?" Teddy asked.

"Nothing," Billy said. "It's just, I could of just magiced this all away." That's when the idea donned on all of them. Kate sighed.

"So, basically, we did all of this for nothing?" Kate questioned.

Billy shrugged. "More or less. But, we might as well finish since we're already this far." Then they all heard the sound of keys rustling in the lock on the front door. "On second thought..."

Billy waved his hand. When the door opened and his parents along with the twins came walking through. They saw a very spotless household. Maybe a little too spotless but none the less convincing. They also saw a very a sober group of teenagers (i.e. Billy, Kate, and Teddy) waiting there to greet them.

"Well," Billy's mom started, "looks like you didn't do too much damage while we we're gone. Nice job." They nodded and took the luggage as the rest of the family went to the kitchen.

"You think they bought it?" Teddy whispered.

"I sure hope so," Kate answered. And they would've bought it...

If Billy hadn't forgotten about the pitcher of spiked OJ.

Billy's jaw dropped. "Or maybe not."