"I volunteer," Miss Maria said calmly.
Miss Gloria gaped at her. "You do realize that's like saying 'I volunteer as tribute'?"
"We could use security personnel," Kirk suggested, not getting the Hunger Games reference but understanding the meaning. "They are used to…unpleasant situations."
Miss Gloria shook her head. "No, redshirts have better ways to die than fanbrats." She turned to her sister (and assistant course coordinator) indignantly. "But I don't want to sacrifice you either!"
"Gloria, you're forgetting I don't have an insane hatred of fangirls like you do," Miss Maria said.
"Fair point," Miss Gloria conceded. "But still…"
"Oh, I won't be nice," Miss Maria assured her.
"I certainly hope not," Janeway cut in. "They're fanbrats."
"Agreed," Picard said. "We can't afford to be lenient where they are concerned."
"Very true, very true," Miss Gloria said, nodding emphatically. "Now, all we need is…"
A golden flash lit up the room. "Bonjour, mon capitaine! Hello, dear Kathy! Greetings, everyone else!"
"…Q," Miss Gloria finished.
"How may I be of service?" Q said cheerfully, leaning against the conference room table. "I brought you a surprise."
Janeway and Picard exchanged Q-surprises-are-not-good-surprises looks. Q chuckled at them and snapped his fingers.
Kirk let out a very unmanly shriek.
"Aw!" Miss Gloria and Miss Maria cried in unison.
"They're mini-Gorn!" Miss Gloria exclaimed.
"What?" Kirk said, edging his chair away from the crowd of uniformed reptilians that was gathering around him. A larger group was gathered around Picard, and an even larger group was gathered around Janeway.
"Minis are what happen when someone misspells the name of a character," Miss Gloria explained. "See their name tags?"
"Kirc, Spack, Checkov…" Kirk read off of some of the mini-Gorn pressing against his chair affectionately.
"They have a particular affinity for the characters they're named after, and for their…" She looked down at one dressed in a silver jumpsuit nuzzling her feet. "…creators. Hello, Hanssen."
Q, who had been watching their reactions with amusement, raised his eyebrows. "The course coordinator of OFAS, the person who will teach grammar and spelling, created a mini-Gorn? That seems just a touch hypocritical to me."
"Everyone makes mistakes," Miss Gloria defended, petting Hanssen's head. "It's only when you don't fix it or create an army that it becomes a problem."
"I've never created a mini-Gorn," Miss Maria said smugly.
"You barely write!"
"Now, now, let's not fight," Q said patronizingly. "I'm quite fond of the creatures myself." He patted Pickard on the head.
"They are…affectionate," Picard conceded, looking down at Piccard snuggling up to his leg. "But what is their purpose?"
Miss Gloria smiled. "Oh, that's the best part of them. Q?"
Q smiled even broader than she had. "I trained them."
"And that's supposed to make me feel better?" Picard said.
Q nodded. "I trained them according to Miss Gloria's specifications on what minis had to be trained in. Though of course, only I knew they were mini-Gorn."
"So what are they trained in?" Janeway asked, allowing Janway to hug her leg.
"Fanbrat control," Q responded gleefully.
"They know how to stop a stampede, and how to defend their namesakes and namesakes' friends from fangirl plots," Miss Gloria said.
"Excellent!" Janeway said. "Voyager will be well protected."
Miss Gloria pulled three data padds out of a plothole (Star Trek canon was so huge there were plotholes everywhere in OFAS. The biggest one was the Klingon plothole, but if you put anything in there it came out smelling like gagh) and handed them to the captains.
"These have specifications on the amount of mini-Gorn required per person," she said. "Make sure that those people either have enough of their own mini-Gorn or can borrow from others."
Each captain looked down at their data padd. "Why does Data need more of them than I do?" Picard asked.
"More lusted after by teenage fangirls," was Miss Gloria's prompt reply.
Miss Maria snapped her fingers. "That reminds me!" She turned to Q. "You need to take me to the fanbrats so I can give them their applications."
Q rubbed his hands together. "Oh, yes! Let's get 'em."
He seized Miss Maria's upper arm, and they disappeared in a golden flash.
Miss Gloria leaned back in her chair and took Hanssen onto her lap. "Tomorrow, OFAS will be swarming with fangirls, and we will be having the time of our life torturing them."
A/N So, if you haven't read The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth by misscam, and you like Lord of the Rings, I highly recommend it. You'll also have a better idea of where this is going. Also good is the Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy by Meir Brin. Now, applications are not officially open since the application form isn't up, but you can definitely tell me if you want to apply. Please note that means your character will be a crazy badfic writer. However, you do not have to be a crazy badfic writer to apply. Also, if you find any minis in the wild (any misspelling of Trek terminology, alien races, technology, etc., not just a character's name) please let me know!
Oh, disclaimer: Star Trek and all characters and trappings thereof belong to Paramount, Miss Gloria belongs to me, Miss Maria belongs to my sister but she lets me use her, the idea and format of OFAS belong to misscam, the idea of using plotholes as storage comes from some spinoff of OFUM that I can't remember (maybe HFA), and the only mini that belongs to me is Hanssen. The crest was drawn by my sister. If you can't read it, the school motto is "Bad Fic: The Final Frontier".