HALLO HALLO MY FANFIC READING BROHEIMS. Welcome to the first… not drabble fic I've written in years.
And it's a (kind of) Qwark/Nefarious fic for the Ratchet & Clank series. 'Cause it was incredibly difficult to miss the FoeYay between those two in All 4 One. Like when you go to those fish farms and they're trying to describe to you how it all works, but all you can do is stare at the dead fish that are still squirming around.'Cept Qwarkarious is more cute and hilarious than squirming dead fish… I think.
… ANYWAY a big hand to my Betas – RobotAuction and Temporal Abnormalities! :D They were very awesome catching all of my mistakes.
Also, this was written before news of Full Front Assault/Q-Force came out.
A Nefarious Misunderstanding
It was morning in the section of Polaris Galaxy where the Nefarious Almost-Space Station was stationed; not that it was too easy to tell the time at all since the station was engulfed in the usual darkness that came with setting your headquarters up in the middle of space. Since the incident with The Great Clock, Dr. Nefarious didn't have much left, and it showed. With the few bolts and resources he had he managed to create a new space station. It was much smaller than his previous headquarters, but it still served as a reasonably comfortable base of operations for him, Lawrence, and a few minions.
Like any morning out in space, after Nefarious had been up all night working on future schemes, it was quiet.
Or at least that was what Lawrence was hoping for as he plucked away at his bass guitar.
The butler heaved a sigh as he set down the instrument and made his way to the source of the scream. Surprisingly, Lawrence found the doctor was not in his quarters as usual, but over towards the front of the station where their mail was delivered. He found Nefarious hunched over, facing away from him.
"Is there a reason you bellowed this early in the morning, sir?" Lawrence asked.
"LAWRENCE!" The taller robot spun around, waving something in his hand, "LOOK AT THIS!" He shoved a Holo News under his butler's nose.
Lawrence looked down at the screen, the first two things to catch his eye were the headline and the photo taking up the majority of the page.
"'The Galactic President having an Affair with his Long-Time Arch-Nemesis?'" He looked up at his boss, "I wasn't aware you swung that way, sir."
The doctor, who had apparently been pacing, stopped to scream, "I DON'T!"
"Then why does this have a photograph of you and Qwark spooning together?" Lawrence pointed at the photograph. Indeed it was Qwark and Nefarious, sleeping soundly out in the wilderness of Magnus, both terribly close to one another, and with the President's arm wrapped around the robot.
"I WAS ASLEEP!" The supervillain threw his arms up in the air, "I don't know how it happened! I just remember waking up with that twit lying next to me, so then I tried to claw his stupid squishy face off!"
Lawrence gave his boss a skeptical look, "… Uh-huh…"
His butler's disbelieving reply went over Nefarious' head as he made a sound akin to a sob, "AND NOW—NOW I AM THE LAUGHING STOCK OF SUPERVILLAIN WEEKLY!" He broke down, sobbing on the ground.
Lawrence shot a puzzled look down at his blubbering boss before noticing the latest issue of Supervillain Weekly on the floor. He picked it up and looked inside, indeed finding that the photo of Nefarious and Qwark had not gone unnoticed by them.
"Well, at least you're in here! I'd say you haven't been mentioned by Supervillain Weekly since your plan with The Great Clock, sir," the butler said. His employer let out a whimper.
Inside the issue Lawrence found comments on how the tyrant could no longer be taken seriously after having a relationship with President Qwark of all people, "how the mighty hath fallen," and questions on if the mad scientist was so desperate for power he would sleep to the top.
"Oh, dear, you really are the laughing stock now, aren't you?" He thought out loud, causing the other to sob even harder than before.
Suddenly Nefarious stood up straight, his optics shining with a new found determination, "Lawrence, I have a job for you." He turned around to shuffle through the other mail they had.
"Would you like me to fetch the tiny violin, sir?"
"No, I'm not in the mood for music," Nefarious waved his hand without a glance back at him as he rummaged through the mail. "Aha!" He held up another Holo News to the butler.
"'Ratchet and Clank to be visiting Luminopolis?'" Lawrence read aloud. "Sir, I know you hold a grudge against them for going against your plans, but what do they have to do with your predicament?"
"I'm glad you asked, Lawrence! Since this photo could have only been taken on Magnus, it had to have been done by someone else who was on that planet and knew our whereabouts!" Nefarious pointed at the photo of the heroic duo, "Which means it could have only been these two who have sought to destroy my reputation!"
His butler gave a sarcastic gasp, "Oh my, how surprisingly logical of you, sir! Very impressive!"
"It is, isn't it?" Nefarious failed to notice the other roll his optics as he continued, "So, Lawrence! We must set a course for Luminopolis so that we can ANNIHILATE THEM!"
Lawrence uncovered his audio receptors, simply staring at his employer for an awkward beat.
"NOW, LAWRENCE!" Nefarious yelled in his butler's face, the sheer volume causing Lawrence to fall backwards.
The shorter robot sighed, "Right away, sir."
The ride over to Luminopolis wasn't too exciting. Lawrence drove the stolen ship they got from Magnus while Nefarious, instead of going on about how many ways he could mangle his enemies like usual, sat quietly in the passenger's seat.
While Lawrence was enjoying the peace and quiet, he had to admit inwardly that the silence from his boss was rather unnerving. He glanced over to the other side of the ship to see Nefarious looking out the window, his chin resting on the palm of his hand, while looking… melancholy, it seemed.
"… You know, sir, you can talk to me about anything," Lawrence said just to break the ice.
The glare he received told him his comment was taken the wrong way, "Lawrence. There is nothing to talk about. I am not a closet homosexual!" Nefarious practically spat the last sentence out.
There was silence between them before the butler spoke up, "Are you sure?"
"YES! YES, I'M SURE!"
"Ah, well, I was just commenting since you have such a lovely history of staying with the ladies."
Nefarious folded his arms, "A supervillain doesn't commit to anyone! That's just not how it works!" He looked back out the window, hoping Lawrence would stop talking already.
His butler gave him a quizzical look before speaking up again, much to the scientist's chagrin, "What's really been on your mind, sir? Ever since you returned from Magnus you haven't been quite yourself."
"I'm fine, Lawrence."
"Oh, really? Then why you haven't you been able to come up with one good megalomaniacal plan for the past few months—"
"Or how you have been spacing off staring at the window—"
"What about how you haven't even yelled at me to do your laundry—"
"Or how you have been keeping that photograph on your desk—"
"LAAAAAWREEEEEEEE—" The doctor stopped mid-shout, his jaw slack as the gears in his head broadcasted a familiar frequency.
"Oh, Lance! Don't shave. Your moustache is just so rugged, and it vaguely reminds me of fresh-washed carpet!"
"That's because my hair has been used to make carpets, Janice! I was cloned for that specific reason!"
"Oh, Lance! I was cloned too!"
Lawrence settled into his seat. His plan may have been a bit elaborate, but it was worth it to get to hear the latest episode of Lance & Janice.
It was morning at the Polaris Galaxy capital, though since the Galactic President felt it to be a fine day to oversleep, the sun was relatively high in the sky when he finally got up. As he walked to his office he didn't think anything of how unusually frantic his coworkers were being - running into one another, fighting over the water cooler, and giving their President very peculiar looks. Qwark brushed the stares off as stares of amazement at just what a fine work of art he was. He stepped into his office, his Vice President there waiting for him.
He yawned, "Good morning, Skrunch!"
The cyclophic monkey screeched and flailed his arms as the man walked past him.
"What's got you so frantic today?" Qwark sat down at his desk.
Skrunch started his message, but was then interrupted by his friend, "Actually, don't tell me yet. I need to check on the News!"
Qwark took a sip of the mug of coffee (that was actually more cream than actual coffee) that was always waiting there for him in the morning.
He picked up the Holo News sitting on his desk, bringing it in front of him. The image and headline that greeted him caused him to spit out his drink all over the screen. Skrunch watched him as his eyes scanned over the page again, and again, and again, as if to make sure he really was seeing what he was seeing.
After a moment the Galactic President let out a nervous laugh as he looked back at his monkey friend, "OK, Skrunch, this was a great joke. You got me. Now where's the real News for today?"
The Vice President stared back at him awkwardly.
Qwark's smile faded, "… This is a joke… right?"
Skrunch looked from side to side, at a loss for words.
The President's eye twitched before he hastily grabbed the remote on his desk and turned on the very large Holovision he had set up in his office. Coincidentally, he had tuned in right there for the Holo News broadcast; two life forms sitting at a desk greeted the viewers, one a robot and the other a female with antennae.
"Hello, this is Kip Darling of Polaris News," The robot greeted.
The female life form smiled, "And I'm Pepper Fairbanks."
"It's no question that the biggest news that has gotten out today is the affair Galactic President Qwark seems to be having with his long time arch-nemesis and most wanted criminal in the galaxy, Dr. Nefarious!"
"This very strange affair has been evidenced by this photo anonymously submitted of the two… uh, cuddling," the screen flashed from Pepper to the photo in question. "While many citizens of the Polaris Galaxy have questioned Galactic President Qwark's methods since he was elected into office, this news has caused all citizens to now question his sanity."
The screen returned to a shot of the two of them. "We asked citizens this morning just what they think about this affair," Kip reported before the screen went to the interviews.
"What do you have to say about this shocking news?" The interviewer's hand outstretched a microphone to the first interviewee, a green skinned alien with spikes who seemed to be rather elderly.
"This is outrageous! I really don't think the President knows what he's thinking anymore!" The alien waved his cane above his head, "This means that not only did he know of Dr. Nefarious' whereabouts, but he kept this information from the rest of the galaxy!"
"… And you're assuming the President was thinking before?"
The screen went to the second interviewee, a robot at a bar. "I never wanted that image in my head," he shuddered before turning his back on the camera.
The third interviewee was a cyclophic lady with tentacles, messing with her wig and make up as she replied in a somewhat nasal accent, "Eh, I kind of figured something was up. Nemeses do this all the time in the holofilms – they vow to kill each other, but they secretly can't live without each other, yadda yadda, and then they make out."
The interviewer extended the microphone to the fourth interviewee, a blue, vaguely humanoid, creature sitting at an outside restaurant holding his sandwich, "What do you think about this turn of events?"
The blue creature swallowed his bite before answering, "Uh, I'm sort of in the middle of eating my sandwich."
"Yeah, but could you tell us what you think?"
"No, I'm eating a sandwich." The interviewee was about to take a bite of his lunch before being interrupted.
"How do you think this will affect the President's standing in the government?"
"Ergh—I don't know. I hate politics. Listen, I just want to have my lunch and—"
"How long do you think President Qwark and Dr. Nefarious have been going at this?"
"Uh, too long? I really don't want to talk about this while I'm eati—"
"Has Qwark been simply sneaking out to go see his evil lover instead of tending to his Presidential duties?"
"What kind of things do you think they do?"
"Do they take romantic strolls down the beach?"
"Or maybe they get up to—"
"LEAVE ME ALONE TO EAT MY SANDWICH!" The blue creature, hysterical, ran away from the news crew screaming with sandwich still in hand.
"Sir! Sir, come back here!" The interviewer and the camera man chased after the blue creature. "We just want to ask you a few questions—"
The screen was brought back to Kip Darling and Pepper Fairbanks sitting at their desk. "And that's all we've gathered for now!" Pepper announced, "We'll try to bring you the answers from the Galactic President himself as soon as we can!"
Kip then spoke up, "And next up – the heroic duo, Ratchet and Clank, have returned from the Solana Galaxy to visit Luminopolis tonight to—"
The holovision turned off.
Qwark stood there, the remote in his hand, his eyes wide and his jaw slack.
"Skrunch," he finally spoke up. "Remind me to work on those pesky sleeping habits of mine."
His furry friend grunted in reply.
AND THERE'S THE FIRST PART, MY DARLING TURTLE DOVES. Second part will come up, I just need to add a bit more onto it and fix up any mistakes.