I don't know how it happened. Honestly I don't. You had been my best friend for ages. I'd always loved you. But as a friend. Nothing more. Then one day, bam, it just occured to me.
I love you.
More than a friend. Like I really want to have sex with you cause you're smoking hot kind of love. Or I just want to stare at your face all day cause it's perfection kind of love. I tried to ignore it at first. I told myself it was just best friend kind of love but in the back of my head I've always known that I was lying to myself. It took me months to come to terms with it. I wanted to tell someone. I needed to tell someone. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops that I was in love with my best friend, Brittany S. Pierce, who, yes, is a girl.
But I couldn't.
Because life is shitty in that way. Or at least it is if you live in Lima, Ohio. I couldn't hold it in any longer but there was no fucking way I could tell anyone. I knew what it would lead to. My life would be absolutely horrible. Maybe even worse than Kurt's life used to be. I couldn't take that. I craved the feeling that everyone in my life accepted me.
I know it might seem cowardly to you. But in my eyes, it was perfectly reasonable that I didn't tell anyone. What if I was an outcast for the rest of my high school career? What if you didn't love me back? What if I lost you as a friend because of my declaration? I just couldn't.
It went on like that for two years. From freshman year to sophomore year I would fantasize in my head what it would be like to be your girlfriend. I would stare lustfully at you daily. Sometimes I thought Quinn had seen me. But she was so caught up staring at her hobbit girlfriend's ass all the time that she didn't say anything. I had been trying to work up the courage to tell you but you were dating that dumbass cripple.
So, I'm telling you right now. I love you, Brittany. I love you with all my heart. I can't live without you. I want to wake up next to you every morning staring into your beautiful blue eyes. I want to grow old with you and have a house and kids and a slobbery dog. I want to do every single thing in my life with you.
I love you with every single bit of my heart.
And I know you can't hear me because you're buried six feet under me right now in that black casket that looked too small for you. And I know that we will never be together. And I knew that you'll never say I love you back. The doctors said you didn't feel a thing. That the car just hit you and you died instantly. I don't know if you did or didn't feel anything. But, I know I did. I want to kill myself. I want to tear that fucking driver apart who did this to you. So that's why I'm doing this. I'm reading this letter to you now sitting next to your tombstone. I brought you a picture of Lord Tubbington. He's doing good, fat as ever.
It's time for me to go, Brittany. I'm done with this life. I don't want to live it without you at my side. I can't live it without you making me laugh everyday. i just can't. I've said goodbye to my parents and the glee kids. They don't know I'm going to do it, they just think I'm visiting a friend.
So, I just wanted to say goodbye to you. I hope we can meet in another life. Maybe one where we aren't surrounded by homophobic assholes and I gather the courage to tell you I love you before it's too late. Maybe one where we can be married and have kids.
Goodbye, Brittany. Goodbye my best friend. Goodbye my love. My only love.