May 15, 2012

He's afraid to do it.

Every night for the past two years, LAPD Detective Marty Deeks has been afraid to do one simple task.

Leave LAPD.

It's a simple thing that's been eating at him since he joined the NCIS squad of Special Agents G Callen, Sam Hanna, and Kensi Blye two years ago. Things had gone normally until Operation Manager Henrietta Lange had asked him to sign a NCIS applicant document six months after his first day.

He had told Hetty, "I don't think this is the right time," and one year later, the folder sits on his nightstand next to a pen, waiting-no, begging to be signed. Deeks is sure that Kensi has been wanting him to fully join NCIS for a while, and Callen and Sam…well, he'll never know for sure what they truly think. He had thought in the past that he could bury it until a later time, but now things have changed.

Seriously changed.

The past 24 hours have been a living hell. Eardrum shattering explosions, two NCIS agents murdered, Hetty's retirement, and now the lead member-Callen- sitting in a jail cell- no, a living hell doesn't seem to come close to covering it. If Marty Deeks had known the previous morning that all hell was about to break lose, he would have stayed in bed and never left the house.

Now, the shaggy haired detective sits on the deck of the Santa Monica pier with his mutt Monty sleeping on one side and his charcoal colored backpack on his right. It's cool for a May evening in Los Angeles, causing the residents and tourists to hide in their homes. The 40 degree air feel like nothing against Deeks' face as it continuously gusts past him and his sleeping canine.

No one seems to notice the detective as he sits and stares into the Pacific Ocean, lost in the mental battle over whether now is the time to leave LAPD. With a team member down, their OPS manager retiring, and the LA office being investigated by Owen Granger and Leon Vance means that this elite team needs to be at their prime.

Deeks knows that he is woefully behind Kensi, Sam, and Callen.

And if he wants to help, LAPD detective Marty Deeks needs to make some changes.

The detective shivers for a moment, snapping back into reality. His fingers are tingling so he stuffs them back into his pocket. His ears are burning and he covers them with his dark green hood. Monty is whimpering so he pulls the dog into his lap. None of these actions make him feel any better.

The detective dives back into the mental battle, ready and determined to figure this out.

First thing first- what will happen if NCIS Liaison doesn't leave LAPD ?

If the team is broken up because of Callen's actions, there is a high chance that he'll be fired. He can hear already hear it .- Detective Deeks, we will no longer need your services at NCIS.

Without being at NCIS, Deeks will have to return to LAPD full time. Instead of catching terrorists blowing things up, it'll be druggies, thieves, and hookers all day. There would be no more catching the most dangerous, out of control criminals to come to the west coast. He won't get to yell out, "Federal agents!" It's one of the favorite things he gets to do at NCIS, regardless of being an agent or not.

If he's full time at LAPD with his record of angering every cop there, he will have no allies.

None.

At NCIS, he has an entire family of people that he trusts dearly.

Deeks knows that Callen, Kensi, Eric, Nell, Hetty, and deep, deep down- Sam will always treat and care for him as family if he were to be fired, but it wouldn't be the same as being at NCIS. Deeks knows that he'd lose contact with them within six months as they'd drift apart with their job schedules. He would have to eat donuts with some other partner, who wouldn't be Kensi. Nothing can replace watching Miss Kensi Blye inhale a box of donuts. The detective's mornings would be empty-there'd be no flirting with Kensi, walking into teasing from Sam or Callen, or even talking video games and surfing with Eric.

By now, Deeks believes that he is developing frostbite, even though he sitting in above freezing weather on the West Coast. In the middle of a shiver, Deeks suddenly remembers a possible positive if he were just LAPD.

He could have Kensi.

If Marty Deeks was just a detective, he could have Special Agent Kensi Blye. However, It would be complicated, extremely complicated with her running off to save the world with super deep ops and him getting down with….junkies. Settling down would be way out of the question if Deeks is on every drug dealer and gang members' radar from Washington to Nevada. He'd always be the weaker one; although, he isn't sure if that would be different if he joined NCIS.

"Crap," Deeks mutters. Deep down, he knows that dating Kensi while being just a cop can't be considered a bright side if he were to be fired from NCIS. Then again, this is only if he were to be fired. Maybe things will work out and Callen won't be charged in murdering a crazed, bomb happy, lunatic who'd just killed two NCIS agents.

Why the hell can't I just resign from LAPD? It's the question that's been playing in his head for over a year. Although he has constantly reminded his partner and others that he's a cop, NCIS had always come first in his mind of where he belongs. The detective doesn't know why he won't cop to the truth that home is NCIS. Maybe it's because he's frightened of making the change.

Maybe it's because being a cop was his childhood dream.

Or maybe deep, deep down- he doesn't want it.

Or maybe, he's afraid that they won't let him in.

"Arf?" Monty looks up to his master with alert, wide eyes. Deeks narrows his eyes in confusion before he realizes that Monty has once again heard his phone before he did.

"How you do that, I'll never know, buddy," Deeks laughs. He glances over to the screen, which flashes a simple, short sentence. Team Meeting.- Kensi.

The detective lets out a loud sigh because he knows he won't be able to focus. He desperately wants to sit outside in the cold for a few more hours and really figure things out, but he can't.

All hell has just broken loose and his team needs him.