A/N: First fic after loitering account-less on for awhile, and if I play my cards right, hopefully not my last. I do hope you even remotely enjoy it.
Summary: Kagami meets Kuroko's family who are not the least pleased to have to give away their Kuroko to someone else.
Warning: Probably OOC. A little M-ish at the end. Vulgarities. General senselessness. Errors. Self-beta
Disclaimer: I do not own Kuroko no Basuke, obviously. If I did... *smirk*
When Kuroko disrupted their make out session a week ago to declare that his family wanted to meet him, Kagami didn't realise just how much he was in for until the screen door slid open, revealing the people inside. They were making out for Christ's sake. As the horny teenager he was he had simply dismissed the statement with a grunt of acknowledgement before proceeding to forget all about it come morning.
Kagami thought there was no way he could screw up the meeting too bad. Kuroko's family just wanted to meet him that's all- all part of tradition. As long as sucked up, smiled, answered politely and threw a few random compliments in here and there all should be fine. Sort of like one of those dating simulation games in a way, with the pressure amplified several hundred times. Now that he thought about it, Kuroko did mention his family being unique once. Kagami begged to differ. There was a fine line between being unique and just downright weird. Kuroko's family crossed the line by a lot, if posters of scissors, vacuum cleaners and mountains of snacks were anything to go on. Speaking of Kuroko, he said he had something important to do, leaving Kagami alone at the front porch.
"You must be Kagami Taiga."
The redhead sitting in the middle of the five started when Kagami got over his initial shock enough to actually walk into the room. The room was every bit as Japanese-themed as it could get (without the posters, naturally) from the tatami mats covering the floor to the paper lanterns illuminating the place. There was even a kotatsu placed in the middle. Who uses a kotatsu in summer for crying out loud! Even the people themselves were dressed in very colourful yukatas that seemed to match their respective hair and eye colours.
"Umm yeah." Damn that was awkward.
"Pleasure to meet you; I'm Akashi Seijuurou, Tetsuya's father." The man said before gesturing to each of the other four people in the room and introducing them as well.
It seems the one in green was Kuroko's mother, Midorima Shintarou. He looked smart and rational with his upright posture and square glasses that framed his face, an image that was completely shattered by the presence of a vacuum cleaner sitting by his side like a lap dog.
"It's the lucky item for Cancers today." Midorima calmly stated with a push of his glasses when he noticed Kagami gaping at his vacuum cleaner, as if that was the most normal thing in the world.
The person in purple was Murasakibara Atsushi, the youngest son. Despite being the youngest son, he was very huge in size and had merely shot Kagami a look of general disinterest as he continued to make quick work of the box of candy in his hands. On that note, he was surrounded by snacks of every kind scattered on the floor. Soft candy, chips, jelly, biscuit sticks, you name it Kagami could probably see it. He must be well on his way to diabetes.
Aomine Daiki was apparently the eldest son who was clad in blue. He had extremely tanned skin and on his face was an unpleasant scowl. Unlike everyone who was more or less sitting properly - Murasakibara was hunched over - Aomine was sprawled on the floor, one hand supporting his head the other picking his ear.
"Goddamn you're late asshole." He grumbled, glaring daggers at an already uneasy Kagami who gulped in response whilst glancing at the clock. Well, it was 08:02. The meeting was to be at eight. Kagami couldn't summon enough courage to retort.
Finally, the one is yellow was Kise Ryouta: third son cum tentative only daughter. The blond was radiating sunrays, rainbows and flowers in full bloom as he smiled slightly at Kagami. For some reason it made him a lot more nervous than he already was. Moreover, Kise's yukata seemed to be the only heavily designed one with gorgeous flora patterns embroidered into the cotton.
"Wait a minute, why do I have play the sister role too?" Kise whined, the small smile he had previously completely dissolving into a pout.
"It's not our fault that damn Satsuki is busy today. Besides, you fit the bill." Aomine replied, sparking off a small heated debate between himself and the blond.
"If that's the case, Midorimacchi should wear something more feminine as well!"
"That's impossible; it is my unlucky item of the day." Many eyebrows went up at the statement.
"Ehh but Kisecchin actually likes it, right?" Murasakibara piped in all of a sudden. "I saw you twirling in front of the mirror, admiring yourself. And I also heard you saying something like 'oh it's no wonder I'm a model, I look good in anything'." His voice climbing several, albeit very unnecessary, pitches up, irritably grinding on everyone else's ear.
"Mu-ra-sa-ki-ba-ra-CCHIIII!" Kise whined, face turning completely scarlet. Aomine snickered. Midorima visibly smiled. Murasakibara continued to munch on his food as if he hadn't just said something pretty awkward. Akashi sighed a little before demanding silence with a pair of scissors. Now where did he get that?
"Now if you don't mind, we shall continue. Let's first start with how you met our beloved Tetsuya."
Kagami gulped. Ah heck, this was no time to be acting like a scared girl. He squared his shoulders and inhaled as much air as he could to even his pulse rate. "Well, Kuroko and I are on the same basketball team and Kuroko said something about being a shadow to my light and we became partners." Can you say embarrassing? No scratch that, it was really, really embarrassing. Floor, it's high time you opened up and swallowed me.
"That's pretty sweet." Kise sighed, the romantic in him stirring.
"See? Fitting the bill already." Aomine sneered earning himself a glare from the blond but he pestered no further when he caught sight of the gleam of light reflected off metal.
"And what makes you think, you are worthy of dating him?" It was Midorima who spoke this time.
"No worries Shintarou, we will test him ourselves to prove his worth." Akashi started then pointing at Kagami he declared, "You will go through each of our tests successively, if you manage to pass at least one we'll let you date Tetsuya. I'll even personally gouge my eyes out and give them to you as blessing."
'Eyes?' Kagami wondered if he heard wrong. But if it was just a bunch of tests then he could handle it. Better than having to keep up a conversation with any of those maniacs. Five tests in a row, huh?
"Kind of like going against the Elite 4 then the Champion…" Kagami muttered.
"Except that you won't get to use any full restores or max revives."
"Kuroko!" The two-toned redhead jumped when he heard the voice all of a sudden. "Why are you dressed in a Tare Panda suit?"
"Well the, now that Tetsuya is here, let the tests commence." Akashi announced a glint visible in his mismatched eyes.
"Good luck Kagami kun."
A silent 'you'll really need it' was left unspoken.
The test of Kise Ryouta
The first challenge was that of Kise's. The man proposed a Karaoke challenge. Also as compromise for him having to take up the sister's role too, he was allowed to set one special condition. It turns out Kagami wouldn't be choosing his own songs. The blond had enthusiastically proclaimed his wish to go first and being the gentleman that wasn't exactly keen on singing Kagami was, he complied. Instead he waited his turn along with the rest of the family on the sofa Akashi had brought in along with a giant HD television.
PONPON dashite shimaeba ii no
zenzen shinai no tsumaranai desho
heddofon kakete rizumu ni nosete
WAYWAY akete atashi no michi wo
Well, it's not like Kagami had never went to a karaoke before. Alexandra had been both very persuasive and interested in this particular idea. Follow the words as they get highlighted. Simple enough. He wasn't the best at singing, not one bit but he wasn't cringe worthily horrible either. He could pull it off, somehow. Something told him it was best if he got it over with as soon as possible. The Elite 4 were ranked with increasing difficulty. Let's not discuss the champion.
PONPON susumu iroiro na koto
dondon kiteru? anata no kimochi
POIPOI suteru warui ko wa dare?
sousou ii ko aa
You Make Me Happy
Kise was really getting into it now, grooving along to the rhythm as he executed the dance moves with startling grace and accuracy. He was all giggling and smiling and even tried dragging a very few pissed off members of his family to sing with him somewhere towards the end of the song. All his endeavours ended in failures though.
"Wahh that was so fun! Your turn Kagamicchi!"
"Kagamicchi?" Kagami echoed.
"Kise kun adds the suffix –cchi to the people he likes." Kuroko explained.
"Doesn't mean I'm willing to hand Kurokocchi over to you though." Kise clarified, passing Kagami the microphone after adjusting some knobs on the karaoke machine. "Your show."
Kagami took up his position on the little stage and braced himself. An upbeat melody came on and he could immediately feel six pairs of eyes boring into his back. The music played on a little more before the lyrics appeared.
Hra-tsa-tsa, ia ripi-dapi dilla barits tad dillan deh lando.
Aba rippadta parip parii ba ribi, ribi, ribiriz den teahlando,
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GIBBERISH!" Kagami yelled throwing the microphone rather comically against the screen where some girl with unbelievably long green twin pigtails was singing. He turned to glare at Kise, that asshole must have set him up. Kise on the other hand had the cheek to look upset.
"Kagamicchi doesn't like it? Then I'll go change the song."
A few turns of the knob and clicks of the button later, a much slower tune enveloped the room.
Hailie I know you miss your mom and I know you miss your dad
When I'm gone, but I'm trying to give you the life that I never had
I can see you're sad, even when you smile, even when you laugh
I can see it in your eyes, deep inside you want to cry
"The…" Kagami started. "I can't sing English."
"But Kagamicchi has been in the States for a long time, right?" Kise argued.
He grumbled a lot as he went to change the song one more time. The music that played this time was not the same as the rest sounding relatively hip hop-ish. Kagami inhaled, yeah he could do this.
Oppa gangnam style
"I can't sing Korean!"
"That's too bad isn't it? Three strikes and you're out, Kagamicchi."
And this time, Kagami saw the sly smile on Kise's lips for sure. Why that sneaky little brat! First challenge: failed.
The test of Midorima Shintarou
So the second test was Midorima's who already said their horoscopes matched enough for him to approve their relationship but still wanted concrete evidence. He decided to send Kagami out on an errand.
"Let me get this straight, you want me to go buy you a vacuum cleaner."
"Don't you already have one?"
"I would prefer the best vacuum cleaner available if I were to have to carry one around the whole day. This one's a little old and broken."
Kagami said nothing else, if Midorima was willing to give him a task as simple as this, he wouldn't question him. Although, some strange sense of foreboding washed over him, he decided to ignore it. How hard would it be to buy a vacuum cleaner?
"Step right up and check out the brand new limited edition SuckerTron-3000! The newest invention by SeiCorp not only automatically rids your house of dust as an advanced new generation vacuum, it also provides pleasant companionship! This baby is bound to steal the hearts of ladies everywhere! And watch out, he's a bit of a flirt."
Was the first thing Kagami heard when the malls' doors opened. A whole herd of middle-aged ladies were crowding around the centre stage area, hollering their lungs out like crazy teenage fan girls meeting their idol. Some of them were even screaming from the second and third floors due to the lack of space downstairs.
"SuckerTron kun! Look at me!"
"SuckerTron kun! Say something to me!"
"SuckerTron kun! I love you!"
"Look, he just winked me!"
"Don't be stupid, that wink was obviously aimed at me!"
Kagami wondered why the term 'SuckerTron' was so familiar. Oh that's right Midorima wanted one. There was no way he was going to be able to get his hands on one if every lady in the mall was intent on buying one, especially since it was limited edition. Call him crazy but it sort of reminded him about one incident in particular back during his first year of Seirin. "This is Japanese lunch time rush." He whispered before dashing into the crowd.
The barrier of shocked ladies was not exactly hard to break through when compared to the crazed teenagers, as a matter of fact, with the help of a little shoving; Kagami was pushed onto the podium with his hand planted on the SuckerTron-3000's metallic body.
The robot had a cylinder for a body and a hemisphere for a head, turned to look at Kagami its red pixel eyes blinking into a pixel heart. "I love you very much. Please take care of me and we shall have a blast." It said in a robotic tone its voice devoid of any trace of emotion. Kagami briefly thought that anyone willing to buy this must a real sucker. SuckerTron-3000 is for suckers, eh? Damn the Izuki influence.
The crowd below was momentarily shocked before the aura turned murderous. "We won't forgive you. We won't forgive you." They chanted. "Return SuckerTron kun's innocence to us now!" They shrieked. Kagami bolted.
"Way of the Mop Number 31! Shiny Floor Shockwave!" A beam of white light nearly frizzled Kagami had he not expertly jumped out of the way and mall. Suddenly, all those laps around the school back at Seirin were worth something.
Midorima's challenge be damned as Kagami ran all the way back to the mansion and failed.
The test of Aomine Daiki
Next up was Aomine's test and he had decided to have a competition to see who could catch more cicadas within an hour. Kagami had heard of catching cicadas being a common pastime of Japanese childhood but he'd never actually experienced it himself since he had been in America most of his childhood. Naturally, he protested.
"Ah? Then do you forfeit? Catching them in this heat is pretty boring too. Anyway, I'll probably just have to catch one."
Mature was something Kagami was not and so he accepted knowing full well he would lose, letting himself he dragged into a small park and given a net and a cage. He would at least prove Aomine had to catch more than just one to beat him. Like, two, for instance.
But he didn't manage to do so anyway as he soon realised after the first five minutes that he had no idea what he was doing. He swung his net carelessly and with little grace scaring off any cicada in sight before he even got halfway through the swing. True to his word, Aomine caught one cicada before following Kagami around to laugh as he stumbled through bushes and rolled in grass.
Somewhere during the fifty-fourth minute, Kagami thought that if he had to lose, at least he'd lose decently. While Aomine was too busy laughing himself silly, Kagami crept over to his cage, took out the lone cicada and stuffed it into Aomine's shirt.
Watching the boy writhe in a dance as the little insect crawled all over his skin was enough reason for Kagami to lose without regret. Aomine had attempted to strangle him after crushing the bug with his weight when he hit the ground but remembered about his now cicada-less state. With two minutes left on the clock, Aomine set out to re-capture a cicada.
By the end of the hour not only has Kagami decorated top to bottom in bruises, cuts and leaves but he had still lost 0 to 1. Aomine gloated and laughed as they trudged back to the house.
"Well Tetsuya, it does not seem that your boyfriend will be able to pass any of our trails. Now what will you do?" Akashi said calmly rolling a shogi piece in his hand as he watched the duo return from the park through the window. Kuroko remained silent as did the rest of the family. At that moment, a beep from Akashi's phone went off informing him of an incoming message from a certain Satsuki. He flipped the phone open and glanced at the contents of the message.
"Atsushi, it's your turn." Akashi called a small smirk on his face.
The test of Murasakibara Atsushi
By the time he got back, Kagami was very tired from running away from deranged housewives and dirtying himself with mud so when the giant Murasakibara said they were going to compete with DDR, Kagami thought the Goddess of Mercy was finally smiling at him.
Murasakibara was so huge and his movements were so sluggish, there was definitely no way he would be able to dance well on that machine. With renewed hope, he stepped onto the dance platform that the family apparently kept in the basement. Mursakibara was still chewing on a snack while he selected a song to dance to.
Kagami was a frequent patroniser of the arcade and despite usually preferring to play basketball, although it wasn't a quarter as thrilling as being on an actual court, he has seen very many girls get on the machine to bounce and giggle, their long hair turning messy by the end of the song. He's also seen some unwillingly boyfriends being pulled onto the platform by their girlfriends. He understood the basic gist of the game and his sense of rhythm isn't particularly horrible so yes, he would say he had some confidence. To Kagami's utter surprise the giant picked a song with level 10 difficulty.
"Murasakibara, that's overkill." Midorima warned.
Murasakibara turned to look at Midorima, eyes almost pleading. Midorima held his gaze firm.
With a reluctant nod, Murasakibara changed his selection to a level 7. "The other song sounded nicer though."
"Are you ready to groove?" The in-game announcer shouted.
"Go for it Murasakibaracchi!" Kise cheered self-appointing himself as the family's one-man cheerleading squad, pompoms and all.
"Then let the party begin!"
At once, the arrows flew down in a flow much like a waterfall with barely a break in between. Kagami struggled to process the barrage of red and blue arrows and step on the corresponding arrows. In a moment of confusion, his feet receiving unclear messages from his brain, crossed over and tangled, bringing him to the ground.
Murasakibara was, on the other hand, dong a mighty fine job with his combo meter already at a whopping 296. He almost seemed to be flying and his form was nothing but a blurry shadow as he continued to play unfazed. Kagami was taken aback, damn how was he doing that? In the end, Kagami came up with a strategy; he would jump on only two arrows. That way he was sure to get some points.
As expected, he lost pretty badly.
"I need to eat now." Murasakibara said walking away. Well, Kagami must have liked Kuroko a lot more than he thought because there was no way he was going to take so much crap in one day and still have enough room to hope the last test was ok. Said last test was to be administered by Akashi, yeah no way that's going to be fine.
The test of Akashi Seijuurou
Akashi wasted no time in starting his challenge. "We'll settle this with a good old fashioned duel." He proclaimed.
"I'll be fighting you?"
"No, you'll be fighting him."
On cue, a large black Labrador strolled into the basement, its teeth barred, and a low growl coming from it. It was the largest dog Kagami had ever seen and it strangely resembled the one that bit him on the butt for some reason.
"AAHHH!" Kagami screamed before curling into a ball against the wall furthest from the dog.
"Satsuki gave me some really interesting news earlier. Don't you think he's adorable?" Akashi said, stroking the large dog's fur affectionately.
This time, Tare Panda Kuroko walked over to Kagami's shrunken form. He placed a hand/ paw reassuringly on his shoulder and spoke. "It's ok Kagami kun. Even if you do not succeed, I will elope with you."
"Kuroko…" Kagami looked up to his boyfriend staring at him. His expression was trade markedly stoic but Kagami could feel a form of determination radiating from him and felt genuinely touched. "Than-"
"We will pass final judgement now." Akashi interrupted, the obvious malice written all over his face, as can be said with the other family members, "We deem Kagami Taiga guilty of stealing our beloved family member and hence as atonement, he shall pay with his life."
With that, a pair of scissors, a vacuum cleaner, a box of Pocky, a set of pompoms and an insect cage were sent flying his direction and-
"HOLY CRAP!" Kagai sat with a start on his bed which was soaked in sweat.
"Why are you so loud this early in the morning?"
Kagami turned to see Kuroko in his bed, not in a Tare Panda suit. What a relief. "I just had a little nightmare." More like one hell of a nightmare though.
"Is that so?" Kuroko replied, leaning up to kiss Kagami on the lips. "Feel better yet?"
This time Kagami grabbed Kuroko and sloppily meshed their lips together. Kuroko gasped, surprised and Kagami took the opportunity to slip his tongue in prompting the other's tongue to move with his. Suddenly, Kuroko pulled away with urgency.
"Before I forget, Kagami-kun, my parents would like to meet you."
Long A/N: Hey, I hope this read has been pleasant enough. Self-beta and somemistakes may still be lingering. Plot bunny for this story just grew and stuck on while I was bored on the train. I don't think I'm the first to attempt something like this though. Any who please do leave me a review or something if you will. It's my karma if you don't anyway orz.
Songs used in order are (BTW I don't own these either):
PONPONPON (Kyary Pamyu Pamyu)
levan polka (performed by Hatsune Miku)
Gangnam Style (PSY)