I couldn't stop the tears from falling down my cheek or the sobbing coming from my throat. Every event leading to this flashed before my eyes.
Every. Single. Detail.
The pain aching in my chest was overwhelming and I knew it wasn't going anywhere soon; it was going to continue to be this unbearable forever. It's ironic how I always looked for "true love", and the love I found is the one that's after destroying me. The funny part about this is that it's my entire fault. I hurt myself by hurting the ones I love most in the world. Now I have to bare the consequences.
Even though my vision was blurry, my head hurt and my heart was crumbling into microscopic fragments, I reached under my bed, and focused on doing the one thing that always made me feel happy, content and sane. My writing.
So I retrieved my black, beat-up laptop that was under my bed, yet no sense of excitement filled me this time, I knew it wouldn't. I always poured my heart and soul into my poetry or stories, this time it was different, this would be the last time I typed into this old laptop, this would be my last poem. This time writhing was strictly for some sort of closure, it wouldn't make me feel any better but it might show how sorry I am. I took a deep breath to calm myself and wiped the tears that were breaking through my eyes. Yet no matter how much I tried to stop them, they would simply fall like the rain that was crashing on to the ground outside.
While I waited for the dial-up connection to get through to the internet, I glanced around my room, it looked like someone had had a struggle in here and knowing my dad, he would think the worst possible scenario. So I decided to tidy it up a bit for Charlie's sake, he would be appalled at the mess and I figured it would be a bit of a relief that all of my things would be in order for when he found out what I was going to do. I picked up the books thrown on the floor and placed them on the shelves. I set my laptop on my desk, and started to make my bed and placed all of the scattered clothes on the floor in my wardrobe.
I went back to my desk and decided I had to write something for Charlie, to show him that I would love him no matter what might have been said or done. So knowing that he was a man of few words I wrote;
'I'm sorry, be safe, I love you.'
My chin began to quiver when I read it back, making sure that those seven words were all spelled correctly and that those seven words were all I wanted to say to my father. I placed the note on top of my desk next to a photo of him and I, it was from when I was five and he brought me to my first carnival, there was cotton candy in our hands and wide smiles across our faces. I wish I was five again. When you don't know anything about what the real world is like, when everything you know is a happy lie like Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy. When boys and feelings and sex doesn't fuck everything up!
I slide my focus from the picture of my past to the screen in the present that said "Connection Valid". I typed in the name of the website that my blog was on into the address bar and began to type the poem that I needed to get out of my system so badly.
With a shaky breath I closed my eyes for what seemed like an hour, and then I reopened them and began to release my feelings on to the page.
I Lost Their Love
I Betrayed Them Both
In Life, Without Oxygen, We Die
In My Life, Without Their Love, I Suffocate
I Do Not Deserve Either Of Them
The Lies, The Secrets, The Cheating.
I Understand Why They Do Not Want Me
They Asked Me To Choose
I Could Not.
They Asked Me To Be Truthful
I Was Not
They Asked Me For My Heart
I Gave It
I Asked Them To Never Let Go
They Left Me Fall
They Hate Me
They Despise Me
They Wish I Were Dead
So I Am Granting Their Wish
I Am Going To The Place
Where My Fears Lie
Where The Blackness Can Sweep Me Away
Where I Can Jump And Sore Through The Air
Where I Can Free Myself And This Burden That Rests With Me
Where I Found I Loved Them Both
I Need This Pain To Be Taken Away
This Ache In My Chest Where My Heart Used To Be
All That Is Left Now Is A Blank Empty Space
Nobody Can Ever Fill It In, Not Even Them
I Do Love Them Both, And I Am Sorry
I Cannot Come To Regret The Time I Spent With Either Of Them
I Am Not Strong Enough Without Their Love Anymore
I Am Worthless
I Am Weak
I Am Pathetic
I Must End This!
And with that I submitted it to my blog. I cut the connection with the internet, shut down my laptop and crouched down to place it under my bed. I turned off the light, walked out of my room and shut the door and made my way down the stairs. I entered the kitchen and grabbed a large steak knife from the drawers, a bottle of heavy painkillers from the cabinet, the silver iPod on the table and made my way to the door where I turned around towards the inside of the house.
There was a large body length mirror to the left of the front door and for the first time today I caught my reflection and became confused. I looked in the mirror and forced myself to not look away. You can't look away from the truth. This reality that grips me is making me fall undone. When did this reflection change, and where did this thing come from? I didn't even know who was staring back; there was a girl, who looked about sixteen/seventeen with brown mahogany hair and red, watery, poufy eyes that were stained from tears. She looked tired and broken, exactly how I felt, it was me, and I literally had to force my eyes to look at something else, instead of this stranger in the mirror.
I glanced all over the house, memorising every detail I could and remembered all the history that happened here, both amazing and terrible. This house had always made me feel safe, it was my haven and it frightened me to think that I would be the second woman to walk out of this door and never come back to Charlie. But at least he had Sue now; I would never leave him alone in this world, I had to admit that I wasn't that selfish.
I knew that everyone would be happy once I left, I have caused far more trouble in this little divided town then there ever was. I fuelled the hate between the people who live here even more, and now the flames have consumed everyone, even the people who claimed to be neutral in the on going war here. I didn't bother wiping the tears as the reality hit me, I needed to be upset, and it was what I deserved. The feud in forks may end someday, but not in the next few years.
The sun was setting behind the trees so I knew I needed to get going. I gave the house one last watery smile, closed the door and made my way through the rain to my truck, which would bring me to the cliffs where I would kill myself.