Summary: Fate Stay Night, a fight between Rin and Archer develops into quite the thing, Crack.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
"Can I use the guestroom, Master?"
"No, that's for guests."
"It's not like you've got any guests coming over anyway," Archer pointed out.
"It's for guests." Rin insisted. "You're not a guest, and so my decision is final."
"Fine. Can I use the couch?"
"No, you'll get it dirty."
"... Then where exactly am I supposed to sleep?"
"I already made a room for you."
Archer paused for a moment. "Are you talking about that rolled up carpet in the basement?"
"You've got a problem with that?" Rin glared at him for this obvious defiance against her authority.
"Yes, in fact I do. And I think that any decent social services would agree with me."
"So, you don't appreciate what your Master so kindly provides for you?"
"Actually, you pointed at the corner and told me to set it up."
"If you set it up yourself, then what in the world are you complaining about?" She smiled evilly.
"I didn't think you'd be heartless enough to actually force me to sleep there." Archer growled out.
"You shouldn't be so damn picky, Archer!" Rin pointed her finger at him, readying a Gandr.
"I'm not being picky, I'm standing up for my human rights!" Was the shouted response.
"So, you're disobeying your Master?" Rin asked with a sudden calm.
"Yes." He stated plainly.
"You know what this means, don't you?" She still hadn't lost that eerie calm.
"That I still retain some of my human dignity?" He questioned sarcastically.
"This means war."
Shirou entered a divided house. Literally. There was what looked to be a makeshift war-trench through the middle of the living room and everything.
"Shirou?" Came the unsettlingly sweet voice of Rin from one side of the battlements. "How nice of you to drop by and help me put this aggravating Servant in his place."
Shirou opened his mouth to explain that that hadn't been his intentions, as well as inquire as to the reason behind this great divide. But then she shoved a finger in his face. A finger fully capable of shooting Gandr. Shirou instead did the sensible thing and nodded fervently.
"Traitorous fiend!" Came the booming voice from the other side of the wall. "Don't give in to her temptations! She will treat you like a slave and throw you away like a dishrag once she'd done with you!"
"Shut up Archer!" A Gandr was fired in the general direction of the voice.
Of course, Shirou hadn't been allowed to enter the home of a potential enemy without backup, and as such Saber arrived on the scene, mere moments after the first shot had been fired.
"She told me to sleep in the basement on a rolled up rug!" Archer's indignant voice came from somewhere on the other side.
And obviously Saber declared this to be a most heinous of crime, only comparable to being starved. Archer promptly declared that he hadn't eaten anything since he'd been summoned.
Saber joined his side.
Shirou was forced to reconsider his choices of siding with such a horrible person.
Rin shoved a finger in his face.
"I'm sorry Saber! I don't want to die! I will try to corrupt this side from the inside!"
"Very well, we shall remember your sacrifice when we meet on the battlefield." Came Saber's serious tone.
"The hell we will! No mercy for the enemy!" Archer declared in a voice that sounded just a bit too happy about the prospect of gutting him for Shirou to be truly comfortable with it.
"What are you people doing in here?" Kotomine stared at the scene in front of him in confusion – he'd seen many strange things, but this was new.
"War!" Came the declarations from both Archer and Rin – Saber was busy snacking on something, and Shirou was messing around with a toaster.
"But why are the Servants teamed against you?" Kotomine had seen many stupid things in his life, but actually declaring war against a Servant of all things was just insane.
"She's a horrible person!" Came Archer's shout from behind an overturned table.
"Silence, you uppity Servant!" A Gandr impacted the table, leaving it smoking slightly.
"The toast is ready, Saber!" Shirou called out to his favorite Servant – Archer was an ass.
"No fraternizing with the enemy!" Rin rounded on the traitor in their midst.
"Then hand over the toaster, you tyrant!" Came Archer's defiant cry.
"You will obey me!" She shot another Gandr after him.
Kotomine was starting to wonder if he'd accidentally dropped her on the head at some point of her childhood. Not that he'd mentioned that thought out loud of course, the violent girl was on a hair-trigger it seemed.
Shirou had used Archer's distraction to lob the toasts over the Servants' defenses, into the eagerly waiting hands of Saber. Rin glared at him for that, but didn't want to risk losing her only ally against the Servant horde, and as such didn't fire a Gandr at him.
She fired it at the ground beneath his feet, making him dance for his defiance.
Kotomine decided that he really wanted to be on the side of the Servants.
Rin leveled a finger at him.
Kotomine hoped that he'd be able to get out of here before Gilgamesh wandered in, because he really didn't think he'd survive being on opposite sides of the King, and he really couldn't see him joining Rin's side.
"That's what I thought." Rin grinned smugly as she secured another ally.
Sakura could only stare in disbelief at the scene that was playing out in front of her.
Rider was standing behind her with a look that was both happy and vaguely guilty, like a puppy that thought it'd been a lot of fun to see all that destruction but was quite aware that there might be consequences for it, and was fairly sure that it'd be the one to get blamed.
Shinji was hanging from the ceiling wrapped in rope of many different varieties, and even some duct-tape for his mouth.
There was a makeshift war-trench dividing the big room, and on each side were people throwing things at each other. Shirou was throwing fresh toast at Saber – and whatever hard, heavy and hopefully sharp objects in his possession at Archer. Rin was shooting Gandr at everything that moved, including those on her side. Kotomine was reluctantly throwing random dinnerware interspersed with sharp-looking cutlery at the Servants. Saber was throwing compliments at Shirou for his wonderful toast, and insults at Rin's cowardly manner whenever something that could be eaten was damaged by the barrage. And Archer was launching socks at Rin's head, smelly socks, the kind of smelly socks you'd be hard pressed to find in a well-used locker-room occupied by athletes without personal hygiene.
Sakura could admire Archer's accuracy, not once had he missed nailing her sister in the face with the smelly socks. In fact, the only time they didn't make it was when she either shot them down, dodged them, or when he briefly turned his attention at Shinji for a few well-placed shots to keep him from being too noisy when trying to cry out in outrage.
It was absolute chaos. Rin was cackling madly, Shirou was feeding Saber, and pretty much everyone was shouting insults at each other.
Rolling up her sleeves, Sakura did the first thing that came to mind; she made her way over to her senpai and started helping him with dinner-preparations.
Lancer had to admit that he really didn't know what he was doing there. He and his Master had just been minding their own business, casually strolling along down the street. And then he'd located Servants in the vicinity, and suddenly there he was.
A smelly sock ricocheted through the open door behind him.
Lancer's eye twitched.
This was the Holy Grail War? The war between heroes of old? The kind of war in which legends were born and allowed to walk again eternally?
"Rider! Dinner's ready!" The voice of a young woman cried out through the chaos.
A woman answered the call to her Master's side, and suddenly she was off, setting the table... or blanket, in this case – the table looked to have been overturned in an attempt to create cover from their enemies weaponry.
The call to dinner was apparently some form of ceasefire, as the smelly socks finally ceased to rain down and the retaliating curses finally abated.
Lancer was confused.
Why would heroes of old be fighting using smelly socks and weak curses, in a house with a makeshift war-trench running through it?
It just didn't make any sense.
And then the participants in this mad display finally noticed that there had been a new arrival.
The situation was difficult to fully grasp, but it seemed as if one of the Servants present had disagreed with his own Master and they'd declared war on each other. Then everyone else had been dragged along for the ride.
It took all of five seconds to pick a side.
The red-dressed young woman was quite upset at them for it, especially as his Master had deigned to join him, despite her threats.
He really had gotten very lucky when they were handing out Masters it seemed.
The Tohsaka Manor was large, really large, but even it couldn't contain so many people with so much of a divide between them. Therefore, it wasn't very surprising that when Ilyasviel von Einzbern arrived at the scene, the fighting had managed to spill out into the surrounding streets.
Ilya had barely opened her mouth to give her speech about the hopelessness of their struggle, as Berserker would slaughter them all, when suddenly a smelly sock hit her in the face.
They'd pay for this. There'd be no mercy. She'd kill them all.
Another sock hit her in the face.
"What? You can't even win in a sock war, Einzbern? How pathetic!" A red-clothed man declared in a mocking tone.
Ilya saw red.
She wasn't really sure what happened after that, but suddenly she was sitting behind makeshift barriers, trying to catch her breath, with a well-used bat resting across her lap. Berserker had somehow tied two gigantic pillows together with some rope, and was currently swinging them over his head, wrecking destruction and chaos over the opposing side.
He was being peppered endlessly with smelly socks, and even the blonde Servant had been brought out of her feeding in order to repel the giant, using what seemed to be a wooden ladle to bat away the strange pillow-contraption.
It was an odd day. A very odd day.
Ilya laughed happily and hurried to the aid of her Servant, deflecting the smelly socks with practiced ease.
Turns out that, even if the Tohsaka manor was ludicrously large when you remembered that there really was only one Tohsaka whom resided in it, having pretty much all of the members of the Holy Grail War present made everyone painfully aware that there was no way they'd be able to fit in there, and still have room for their defenses against the opposing sides.
Unfortunately for the enthusiastic members of the war, there were only really three places that would fulfill the specified criterias. The Einzbern castle far away from the city and hidden deep within the forest. The Emiya mansion with a rather large courtyard. And, finally, the Ryuudouji Temple.
Considering that nobody trusted Ilya not to lay down traps for the opposing side before they even arrived, her castle was quickly crossed off the list. And whilst everyone knew that Shirou was far too stupid to pull that off himself, they'd realized that at some point during their stay, someone would have to explain their presence to Taiga.
Thus, it wasn't really all that surprising that Assassin, standing at the top of the steps to the Temple, was forced to witness a virtual army of both Servants and Masters marching up the steps.
Thankfully for everyone's nerves, Sakura had taken it on herself to explain the situation, thereby removing: Shirou's natural capability of getting himself into trouble, Rin's hatred towards free will, and Berserker's battle-crazed roaring.
After briefly excusing himself to ask his Master of this change in the War, Assassin gracefully allowed them entrance into the grounds.
When Rin attempted to make the residents of the Temple pick a side, Caster had kindly, firmly, and most assuredly, locked herself in a room. A room she'd earlier managed to coax Souichirou into. Ever since, she'd only emerged once, sticking her head out in order to order Assassin to keep watch of the door instead of the Temple gates.
Shirou had been very studiously not been paying attention to the fact that Caster had seemingly been wearing nothing but a bed-sheet at that point. And after a brief ceasefire that was spent trying to figure out a way to create barriers against sound, they sympathetically patted Assassin on the back, gave him a pair of earplugs, and then moved a bit farther away.
Caster, it seemed, was very much a screamer.
Gilgamesh peeked over the Temple gates, wondering where in the world everyone had disappeared to.
He was promptly hit in the face by a stray dirty sock.
Nobody really noticed the loud crash he made as he promptly fell from the gate and began the unfortunate trip down the very long stair leading up to them, making even more crashes as he tumbled down them in a very uncontrolled manner.
Instead of noticing Gilgamesh's plight, the combatants were busy keeping tabs on Shirou and Sakura, who were currently grilling something mouth-watering for lunch. Saber, of course, was jumping up and down besides them like an enthusiastic puppy, but nobody wanted to comment on that... again.
Lunch had become an hour of peace, on behalf of that one time when even Rin started to get too hungry to fight and had been forced to call off her assault on Archer's snow-fort. Nobody knew exactly how the man had manged to acquire such a thing, but it'd been a lot of fun to lay siege to, so everyone was okay with that.
Assassin had after the first day been ordered to make a 'food-hatch' in the sliding door – Shirou had helped him out – and he was now on food-fetching duty, which was really his favorite duty. This was partly because his only other duty was to stand outside of a door and listen to the muffled sounds of passion coming from the other side, and partly because he got to talk with other members of the War at the same time.
By the time Gilgamesh managed to crawl back up the stairs – looking a bit worse for wear – he found six Servants and five Masters – and the priest – laughing together over a meal of something that he couldn't quite make out from his position, but that still managed to smell heavenly.
Gilgamesh was not pleased.
Not only were they violating the beauty of the War of the Holy Grail, they were talking to Saber, his Saber.
Someone was going to die for this. They would die most painfully.
Unfortunately for Gilgamesh's plans for vengeance, his attempted interruptions of the Lunch-break Peace-treaty was met with... annoyance.
Gilgamesh realized, a little too late, that even a King could be killed if they challenged an entire army by themselves.
Shirou realized that the human body possessed a lot more bones than most people would consider, and that many of these tended to be horribly fragile. He made a mental note to be more mindful of this in the future.
Kotomine realized that he was now at the mercy of the participants of this crazy War, and did the sensible thing. He put a bit more chili on his toast.
A/n: It started as a dumb conversation, and then it grew. Unfortunately, I can't think of a way to end this since nobody – aside from Gilgamesh – ever actually gets injured by this silly war of theirs, and so this is as far as it'll go. I hope that you enjoyed it.