Teach us Archer-sensei

Summary: Fate Stay Night, no magic, no War, just the general school life as it might've been had everyone been Normal. Romance, humor, fluff.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.


Archer looked at the teacher in front of him.

"Taiga, don't fall asleep at your desk."

The woman twitched at hearing her name, but since it wasn't the complete nickname, she didn't budge.

Archer sighed. He knew that it would be a lot to ask, but he really wished that his friend and colleague could try to act a bit more responsible every now and then.

Throwing another glance at the clock, Archer took a deep breath and steeled himself for the inevitable.

"Wake up Taiga-sensei!" The result was instantaneous as Fujiwara Taiga shot from her seat.

"Don't call me Taiga!"

"Look at the clock." Archer gestured towards said clock with a deadpan expression.

Unconsciously following his calm direction, the teacher looked at the clock, paling substantially.

"I'm late!" And then she was out of the teachers' lounge like tiger-striped lightning.

"I suppose I should get going as well..."

Archer was quite certain that it'd be acceptable to most students if he were to show up late, but this was the class he had with Saber, and he'd long since come to the conclusion that getting in between her and her food was like stepping in front of an oncoming train. Really dumb, and, even if not definitely fatal, then clearly a good way to get comatized.

Smirking to himself at the memory of coming home to find Ilya nursing his little brother back to life from such an event, Archer arrived at his classroom.

There were a few things that Archer knew that he was any good at. Fighting – he could usually keep Saber from instantly knocking him unconscious – fixing things – Taiga had given him many opportunities to practice – and cooking – the only one he viewed as worthy of challenging him being a specific underclassman of Shirou's.

Apparently, these skills seemed to run in the family.

Shirou would often help out with fixing things in school, never really stopped practicing against Saber, and was supposedly the one who'd first taught Sakura how to cook decently.

Archer knew that his little brother would one day be able to reach him, but he'd be damned if he allowed the boy to know this. Because, frankly, the guy could be really annoying.

The lesson started in the same way they usually started, Sakura proved herself to be worthy of his regard, Saber clung to him until he gave in and began to make a batch of the cookies as well – he'd have to surrender them to the golden-haired girl before the end of the lesson, but it was better than incurring her wrath – and he did his best to keep the rest of the students from messing up all too much.

Sakura was a great cook, and it wasn't rare for the other students to come to her for advice, rather than him, which he found to be truly impressive. It was a shame that her taste in men was so completely down the drain.

Saber, on the other hand, tended to mess things up. Her inabilities wasn't nearly as bad as Taiga's, but it was bad enough for him to be seriously hesitant to let her near a stove without supervision.

It was a nice day, and the birds were happily chirping away as the Home Economics teacher made his way to the archery range.

There was no need for him to practice, not really, he'd never had to worry about hitting the targets, and he managed to keep fit anyway, but he enjoyed it. There was a certain calm in releasing the arrow.

Shirou was similarly at ease with hitting the target, but had unlike him quit the club after an accident, deciding instead to put focus on his part time job. Which was another reason to smack the kid over the head. Children should remain children for as long as possible, end of story.

Taiga was already there, something that would've been surprisingly responsible if you hadn't remembered that she still had a lot of paperwork to do back on her desk, and so was Sakura, once again proving how dedicated she could be to a target.

She really did have horrible taste in men though.


Rin didn't like Archer.

It wasn't that he was a bad teacher, he was probably among the best she'd come across, it was simply the fact that the man had this insistent way of getting on her nerves.

Tohsaka Rin, known in school as an honor student, and known by the Emiya-household as the devil in red.

She dropped by every now and then to check up on her little sister and make sure that her classmate wasn't taking advantage of her in some way. So far, she'd come to the conclusion that Shirou was quite probably the densest man alive.

A beautiful girl had dropped by and cooked his meals for him for the last few years, practically living together in a lovey-dovey manner that could upset anyone's stomach from the sweetness of it all. And, despite this, Shirou had yet to realize that the girl was trying to get into his pants.

Clearly, at this rate Sakura might've troubles getting him into bed even if she were to jump him and drag him there. Not that Rin would allow anything like that to happen, regardless of her sister's wishes.

Fujiwara-sensei was irresponsible, Shirou was dense, Sakura was her precious little sister, Saber was kind of cute – and always appreciated a well-made meal – and Ilya was very good at manipulating her brothers into treating her like a princess – not that that was actually difficult. Archer however, was extremely aggravating.

He could praise her cooking, and yet point out mistakes that she had no choice but to agree on, he could easily best her in any physical activity, which he never bothered with doing, he had a very annoying tendency to use sarcasm. And finally, above all, he refused to stop being so goddamn attractive.

That was a completely unbiased view by the way. He was quite famous in school for being handsome.

Grumbling under her breath about frustratingly good-looking teachers, Rin finally made it to her destination.

The school looked much like it had when she'd gone to it herself, which was hardly surprising as these things never really seemed to change.

Her mission was to pick up a certain girl. A certain, pale-haired girl that happened to have her brothers wrapped around her finger.

Usually, Archer was the one to pick up Ilya from her school, except for one time a week where he'd help coach the archery club. Normally on these days, Ilya would be picked up by Saber – who was currently in the infirmary after having eaten something bad – or Shirou – who, unfortunately had already promised to help out at his part time job.

Fujiwara would never pick her up due to nobody trusting the woman with anything remotely similar to responsibility, and Sakura wouldn't do it because they never got along – Ilya was quite possessive of her brother and didn't enjoy the thought of having him stolen away.

Which was why Rin was now the one with orders to pick her up.

Well, maybe not orders – Archer would never give her orders – he'd simply asked, and she'd agreed.

That didn't stop her from grumbling about it though, grumbling was definitely within her rights, and she'd be damned if she didn't use them.

"Rin-san!" Ilya shot out of a nearby doorway as if she was trying to make a perfect impression of a bullet.

She came quite close.

Rin wasn't ready for the girl's speed, and the momentum of the girl's tackle almost sent her to the ground.

"Are you here to pick me up?" Ilya looked up at her with sparkling eyes.

Rin felt a smile making its way to her face at the sight, she could understand why her brothers were treating her like a princess.

"Yeah, Archer asked me to."

A lot of people in her school were very curious as to why she refused to call the man by his proper title, but she'd known him since before, and calling him 'sensei' just seemed weird to her. Not that it'd stopped Sakura, but Rin was quite certain that the girl was simply much too polite for her own good.

She also had a terrible taste in men.

Of course, mentioning Archer's name without honorifics when on a schoolyard which he frequented had some consequences she really should've considered before opening her mouth.

Several members of the female staff were suddenly next to her, trying very hard to make her tell them what her relationship was with the handsome man.

When she told them that she was a friend of the family since a young age, their response was to float off into their own little worlds of delusions, mumbling happily delirious things about such a handsome man dating someone so much younger.

Desperately trying to quell such delusions before they turned into full-blown rumors, Rin quickly found herself overwhelmed.

Truly, the gossiping-power of older women is to be feared.

Grabbing onto Ilya and instead making a run for it, Rin finally escaped from their clutches, but not before her face had managed to gain something of a permanent blush.


"M-My p-pudding-..."

Such sounded the words that would lead to an unfortunate tiger's demise.

They were spoken by Saber, who'd been saving that particular pudding for later.

Of course, not even Taiga was dumb enough to mess with Saber's food consciously – well, not again at least – but the problem was that she hadn't really been paying attention.

Thankfully for the furniture, Archer was able to use his authority as 'super-chef', to force them into fighting it out in the dojo, rather than indoors.

Ilya was nice enough to tell Taiga that she would miss her, and that she would bring flowers to her grave at least once a week... or maybe once a year... she was fairly certain that she might end up bringing flowers at some point in time... maybe.

Strangely enough, Taiga didn't really appreciate her dedication.

Sakura got ready to administer first aid once Taiga lost consciousness, whilst Shirou went out on a sacred quest for pudding, starting at the nearest store.

Rin sipped her tea.

It was a normal day at the Emiya household.

Never a dull moment.

Back when Sakura had first started to integrate into the strange household Rin had made it a habit to check in on her, just to make sure that the youngest male in the family didn't try anything funny. Instead, she'd found herself being dragged into the large, makeshift family.

Most of the time, she didn't really mind.

Except when Archer opened his mouth. The man had a way to get on her nerves without even trying.

Or, it was technically fully possible that he actually was trying...

Sending a glare in Archer's direction at the thought, Rin continued to nurse her warm tea.

Still, it was nice. To be surrounded by noise, chaos that danced around her in all directions. It was very different to the Tohsaka mansion, a place that seemed to be designed like a fortress, keeping others at bay.

This place reminded her more of a vortex, it dragged you into its center, and then it tried to steal your food.

Rin smirked into her cup as Taiga's cries of suffering echoed through the walls.


Assassin didn't like his job.

No, scratch that, he liked his job, he just didn't like the people he encountered on it.

The woman with pointed ears continued to ramble on and on about her complaints, and Assassin had to wonder at the fact that there was actually a man somewhere who'd chosen to spend the rest of his life with her willingly.

Then again, her husband was a very odd man, and he was quite certain that she acted extremely different when in his presence.

There was something you called that, wasn't there?

Ah, of course, 'two-faced'.

Decidedly putting that thought away before he accidentally blurted it out to her face, Assassin sighed and nodded as she continued to list all the things he needed to fix.

Thankfully, none of the things she were listing were located in the bedroom.

He didn't have anything against bedrooms, but this one seemed to have seen a bit too much activity for his comfort.

Odd the man might be, but the thing that really disturbed Assassin was his ungodly amount of stamina.

Suppressing the memories of nights filled with endless noises from the other floor, and an uncomfortable amount of passionate cries from the woman in front of him at the moment, Assassin assured her that he would see to it that her complaints were taken care of.

If it weren't for the people living there, this was probably the best job in the world. He could sleep in whenever he wished, he had a roof over his head, and everything his attendants asked in return was for him to make sure that everything worked in their apartments.

Still, there should be some sort of limit to things being complained about, right?

Thankfully, he had other things to do today than listen to Caster's endless complaints.

Having made sure that she didn't feel like he was simply running away from her, Assassin made his way towards the meeting with a certain old man.

He knew that most people in his position would rather listen to absurd lists of work to do from crazy attendants than visit a yakuza boss, but he'd always gotten along with the man. It was a bit strange perhaps, considering that they didn't really share any hobbies, but apparently the man seemed to enjoy his calm attitude towards the happenings around them.

That, and Assassin had a vague suspicion that he wanted to be in a friendly situation with other landowners. But, regardless, it was usually pleasant to drop by.


Shirou stared at the new addition to the usual dinner table.

Archer had had some things to catch up on and would probably be home by late evening, so there was no risk of any shortage of food – Shirou glanced over at the already-drooling Saber – any more than usual anyway.

The man was apparently a friend of Taiga's dad, and had been picked up by said woman as she went over to the place where she usually spent the meals.

Shirou wasn't really sure why she'd done this, but he was fairly certain that it wasn't the man's fault, and as such directed his pointedly puzzled glance towards his easy-going teacher.

"Fuji-nee, there's not really any problem with guests, but it would be nice to at least get a heads-up before you start dragging people over here..."

"Wha-...! Shirou! How dare you make it sound like I'm irresponsible!?"

"Taiga is irresponsible." Ilya pointed out heartlessly.

"You devil-child!"

"Seconds please." Saber held her bowl up to him, clearly indicating that she'd been ignoring the conversation completely.

Shirou dutifully filled the bowl. There would be no point in trying to interfere with Taiga and Ilya's bickering, it was, after all, what they always did.

Sakura was trying to make her appetite less noticeable – she might still be able to fool Saber, but the others already knew, and he'd never understand why she still insisted on trying to keep it a secret.

Saber was emptying bowl upon bowl at a ferocious pace, still managing to look as if she was enjoying every bite.

Ilya and Taiga was arguing, but still managing to pack away a decent amount of food, regardless.

Tohsaka kept glancing over at the door, alternating between glaring and looking oddly wistful – which was the usual way she acted whenever Archer was going to be late.

And their guest – a man named Assassin – was seemingly fascinated by the entire spectacle, but still managed to compliment the cooking. Truly, whoever he was and however Taiga had manged to snag him on her way over, he was a good guy.


Sakura had to hide a smile as Archer finally entered the room.

Her sister always insisted that she couldn't stand the man, but frankly, she kind of reminded her of an anxious puppy whenever he was late – the red devil of the Emiya-household had a taste in men that was just as horrible as her own.

Since Shirou was currently trying to explain to Saber that there would be no more snacks, Ilya took it upon herself to explain Assassin's presence at the table, proving as she did so just how true some of Taiga's name-calling actually was.

"Onii-san! Taiga brought home a man!"

Feeling somewhat conflicted about watching another person having a heart-attack, Sakura didn't know what to do as Archer simply stared at his little sister.

Assassin blinked, clearly shocked by the sudden exclamation.

Taiga appeared to have fried a brain-circuit, making it seem as if smoke from the malfunction would soon find itself leaking out through her ears.

Shirou was snickering, completely disregarding the health of his elder brother – actually, considering how well they got along, that might be the part that he was finding funny – Rin clearly joining in, but being much better at hiding it.

Saber simply looked puzzled.

Finally, Taiga managed to gather enough of her scattered wits and launched her attack on the smaller girl.

Chaos ensued.

Sakura rushed to Shirou's side as he was sent to the floor by an angered tiger, Rin withdrew to a safe distance with practiced ease, Archer kept blinking and making weird noises, thereby proving that he still hadn't recovered from the original shock, Ilya fled around the room like a white whirlwind, Taiga took up chase, and Saber did her best to protect the chefs of the house from getting caught in the middle.

Shirou wasn't seriously hurt, having learned since long ago that the best way to avoid injury when encountering an angered animal was to play dead – Sakura wasn't sure if that really worked in the wild though – and so she started to pull him away from any all too immediate harm.

As a pleasantly calm laughter started to echo between the walls, the usual routine of the house was suddenly aborted.

Assassin was sitting with his cup of tea, looking like he was very much enjoying the show.

"It pains me to say it when it received such a reaction, but though I am a friend of Fujiwara-san's father, I don't believe I know his daughter well enough to warrant such a description." He made a small bow towards Taiga. "I hope I've not offended you in stating this."

Ilya stared at him with wide eyes, Taiga was gaping, Shirou had forgotten about playing dead, Saber seemed a bit startled, Rin almost spilled tea on herself, Sakura was staring, and Archer was blinking.

Assassin looked up at them, apparently curious to their prolonged silence.

"Taiga," Archer's voice was firm, the kind of voice he only used when he was being fully serious, his eyes never wavering. "Marry this man."

The world stopped for a moment, then all hell broke loose.


Taiga had developed a deep blush, Assassin was gaping, Saber was staring, Ilya's knees buckled, Rin seemed to be choking, Shirou was glaring at Archer, and Archer kept his eyes locked on Assassin.

"He does have a point you know..." Sakura looked somewhat thoughtful as everyone whipped around towards her. "Ah, well, he's amused by Fujiwara-sensei's antics, gets along well with her father, has a steady income, and..." Frowning a little, she turned towards the man in question. "Do you know how to cook?" He nodded weakly. "And he knows how to cook. Clearly, she'd be stupid to let him go."

The inhabitants of the house continued to stare at her, obvious disbelief filling their faces as they processed what she'd just said.

Saber turned towards the teacher.

"I agree, it would certainly be for the best if you did." Sakura wondered how much that was her wanting to procure another potential chef into her circle of acquaintances, but decided not to say anything.

"As much as I hate to admit it, it does make sense..." Shirou nodded thoughtfully.

As what was more or less classified as her family declared that she should marry someone she'd just met, Taiga did the only sensible thing. She pouted, made an offended sound, and then returned to her seat, sent pointed glares in the directions of those who'd spoken in favor of the marriage, and pretended that she wasn't still blushing.


Ilya stared out through the window.

She wasn't certain what she was watching, but it was very, very interesting, thus resulting in a distinct lack of concentration on what might be occurring on her side of the glass, or at least, she was trying to make it seem like it.

Gilgamesh was rambling again.

Ilya had long since realized that he was easily the most annoying person alive.

Sure, Sakura got on her nerves, and Issei kept looking like he was poised to run away whenever she showed up – usually muttering something about being 'manipulative' – but only Gilgamesh could actually make her consider cutting off her ears just so that she might shut out all of the noises that always seemed to be leaking out through that self-absorbed smile of his.

Either that, or cut out his tongue.

On an unrelated note, the teacher's didn't allow Ilya to handle knives anymore.

Unfortunately, even if she did ignore her annoying classmate to the best of her abilities, she couldn't block out all of the words, meaning that she had a reasonably clear image of what he was talking about today. Not that today was any different from every day, it appeared.

Endlessly ranting on about how she should help him in his new plot to woo Saber, having settled for using the argument that he was simply perfect in every way – rather than trying to bribe her this time – and as such it was her duty to prove it to the beautiful, older girl.

Which was really, really useless, because frankly, Saber hated his guts.

She hadn't even tried to be subtle about it, and had actually ended up getting scolded by the teacher's for threatening to break his arm if he ever reached for a girl's skirt again – that he'd dared do so to her of all women in the first place, simply proved that he was much too stupid to be of any use to the evolutionary gene-pool. The teachers hadn't put a lot of actual heart behind it, but they had technically scolded her, so there.

Ilya wasn't really sure how the minds of her other classmates worked, seeing as how they actually appeared to admire the blond-haired boy who was far too self-obsessed for his own – as well as anyone in his close vicinity who were in possession of ears – good. In fact, she was still struck with such horrified disgust whenever any of the girls came up to her and asked her if the two of them were dating that she'd made it a habit to carry around a puke-bag whilst on school grounds.

Not that she'd actually used it, she just felt safer having it with her.

As Gilgamesh reached what appeared to be the climax for his speech – that largely consisted of him praising himself for all manner of things, like how the sun had still risen to the sky this morning – Ilya sighed and abandoned her attempts at ignoring him, instead turning towards him with cold eyes.

"If you ever talk to me again, I will rip out your guts and feed it to the dogs, you revolting piece of trash."

Gilgamesh smiled happily in response, seemingly only aware of how he'd managed to draw her eyes to him, and thus proving to him that he was the greatest thing in the world.

She really couldn't stand this guy.

"Which is why you should introduce me to Saber!"

Ilya looked at him for a moment, too annoyed to actually form coherent words, before finally deciding that he had actually already been warned.


"I can't believe you got into a fight with one of your classmates..." Archer looked down at her with a sternly disapproving face.

"I'm sorry Onii-san..." Doing her best to look small and pitiful, Ilya suppressed a satisfied smile when she thought of Saber's reaction had been at hearing how she'd given the boy a black-eye, a nose-bleed, several bruises, and not a few scratches.

Saber had looked at her critically for a moment, before breaking into a proudly beaming smile and giving her a much-deserved hug.

The rest of the Emiya-household had been more difficult to persuade into letting her go without a proper trial. Sakura and Rin had surrendered her punishment to be decided by the others since they didn't really want to interfere with her upbringing – Saber had quickly seconded at that, and then guiltily slunk away into a corner – whilst Taiga's calls for blood had gone ignored through force of habit. This left only Shirou and Archer, her two brothers, to decide her fate .

"Well..." Her eldest brother's face scrunched up in a barrage of conflicting feelings, "Just don't let it happen again, okay?"

"I won't." -leave him alive next time. She finished to herself quietly, happily content with not having lied to anyone, just forgotten to mention it.

Still doing her best to look small and pitiable, she glanced at her youngest, older brother, who chose that particular moment to pass her some ice-cream.

Which he would later insist being purely coincidental when Sakura asked him about it.

Ilya might be forced to give up her two brothers at some point – and just maybe looking forward to gaining Rin as an actual sister just a little – but until then, she had them wrapped around her finger.

And she was going to enjoy it to the fullest.


Assassin watched in awe as the two combatants danced around the floor of the dojo.

Their styles were unconventional, and the boy's was definitely still in need of work, but with his age in mind, it was obvious that he'd develop into a splendid swordsman in time.

The girl was a different story altogether. Whilst her style wasn't something he'd seen before, that just proved to him that she was truly a warrior to be respected.

It didn't take long before the boy found himself on the floor, but Assassin was finding himself impressed that he'd managed to stand against her for any time at all in the first place.

As Saber declared that they were taking a break, Sakura made her way over to her fallen senpai, moving in what appeared to be a well-practiced routine.

Clearly, the boy would get far if he was willing to suffer against the girl's onslaught in a repeated tradition. Or he was simply too dumb to quit, regardless, Assassin found himself smiling at the sight of the promising boy that were trying to dismiss the womanly girl's doting.

A sweeping glance across those who'd gathered to watch made it obvious that they all knew of Sakura's intentions, meaning that Shirou was apparently the only oblivious one.

Their reactions through the regular sparring session differed somewhat between them though. Taiga had looked as if she'd been reliving a bad memory, Sakura had worn a somewhat dazed look on her face that just made her taste in men even more obvious, Ilya had been cheering happily for either one of their success – sounding a lot like she was happy as long as blood was spilled by someone – Rin had been trying her best to hide the devious smile that seemed to have rooted itself on her lips, and, finally, Archer had been watching the boy with something akin to disgust – Assassin was willing to theorize that the two brothers simply couldn't stand being near each other.

Assassin wasn't sure exactly how – though he supposed that the eccentric teacher's insistence played a large part in it – but he'd found himself becoming a frequent guest to the Emiya household. There were many reasons to enjoy it though. The food was wonderful, there was almost always something interesting happening, and, apparently, there were some very intriguing fighting styles to observe.

Smiling a little at the thought of all the complaining that he was currently not experiencing from Caster, Assassin looked up at the golden-haired girl.

"Would it be terribly rude of me to ask to spar with you at some point?"

Saber blinked and turned towards him, the other occupants of the dojo looking equally surprised by his question.

"If you so wish, I see no reason to decline."

His smile widened. Truly, a most wonderful household.


Rin glanced at the man walking next to her, the man who looked frustratingly good in casual clothing.

The amusement park was filled with people and noise, everything from music to screams, and smells that she loathed to admit, made her mouth water.

Ilya had wanted to go, and so, in true 'we spoil her rotten any chance we get'-style, the Emiya-household somehow managed to locate a startling amount of coupons for just such an occasion. Rin had a sneaking suspicion that Archer had somehow predicted this and made arrangements for it.

Regardless, to the amusement park they went.

Being the hyperactive girl that she was, Ilya had leapt at the biggest, fastest, most scream-inducing roller-coaster she could find, dragging the rest of them along for the ride.

Except Assassin, who'd proved himself to be both wise and cunning, as he'd spent his time watching them from the sidelines.

By the time the horrifying experience had ended, Rin was feeling immensely jealous of the man. She was also feeling sick to her stomach.

Taiga had collapsed in a heap and refused to move, mumbling something about a devil-child. Sakura seemed to have fused with Shirou's arm, much to his nervous embarrassment – and Ilya's displeasure. Saber had stumbled a bit and declared that she was never going to ride something that would interfere with her digestion ever again, before promptly excused herself and moving towards more mouth-watering pleasantries.

Ilya, in a brave, but childishly foolish way, was quick to drag off Shirou to the next attraction, determined to pry Sakura away from her brother, and failing spectacularly at it in the process.

With Assassin promising to watch over Taiga until she could move again, this left Archer and Rin with nothing in particular to do.

Thus, they walked.

Not really feeling any urge to get on another roller-coaster, they kept themselves to the stalls, Archer proving himself to be capable of hitting anything that he set his mind to. So far, she'd become the proud owner of a very, very large – and really quite adorable – stuffed animal, a flag that was perfect for trying to distract the man who was winning souvenirs for the rest of them – she'd only made him miss once, but considering who it was dealing with, the flag would go down in history as legendary – and a pleasant, but probably quite fattening, amount of sweets.

Rin was pleased.

Rin was also trying very hard to ignore how much this would sound like a date if she were to describe it to someone.

So far she was failing.


"Do you think you could handle food yet?" Assassin inquired the seated woman politely.

Taiga made a thoughtful sound before nodding seriously.

"It should be fine."

"Very well, anything special?" Assassin glanced around at the surroundings, trying to locate any specific stalls.

"Not Saber's cooking."

Assassin raised an eyebrow at the absolute seriousness in the comment, assured her that he wouldn't do that to her, and then set out on a sacred quest to appease the great tiger's appetite.

Not that he'd ever put it like that where she could hear it, he was skilled, but there was just something about her Torashinai that made him feel distinctly uncomfortable with facing her in battle.

Chuckling quietly to himself, he finally made it back to her side, where she praised him with a voice that made it sound as if he'd just saved her from drowning.

As they ate, conversation started flowing, and somewhere along the way, Assassin made a comment about a certain noisy attendant, and her extremely serious husband. A comment which was responded to with a story of a fellow teacher at her school and his extreme sense of correctness.

It took them a long time to realize that they were talking about the same person.

Then Taiga ended up choking as she finally realized that the man was actually married to someone. As in, someone actually decided to spend the rest of her life with the man. Clearly, the woman was insane.

On a different note, Taiga was suddenly very interested in stopping by the building to see what it was like.

It was quite obvious that she wasn't talking about Assassin's workplace as much as her colleague's home. And wife. Definitely the wife.

Assassin felt his lips twitch upwards into a smile as she tried to make excuses, and then politely asked her if she was up to walking yet.


Ilya didn't like how the day had turned out.

It'd started so well, her brothers falling without effort to her casual whims, and then everything had started to go annoying.

She glared at the boy who was trying to question Sakura about the location of Saber.

Sakura didn't seem to be listening, and normally Ilya would've been very peeved by the way she was clinging to her brother, but Gilgamesh was rated a sort of 'top priority of annoyance' so she was ignoring the far-too-developed girl. For now. She'd deal with her the moment the blond pest was divided into dumpsters around the city.

Say what you will about her, but at least she was thorough.

However, before she managed to rip out the boy's throat with her teeth – she could totally have pulled it off, she'd been watching Taiga eat for years – Shirou opened his mouth.

"You look like you got hit by a truck. And then kicked down a hill." Clearly referring to the lingering traces of Ilya's temper, that could still be found on his visage.

Gilgamesh blinked, surprised at being interrupted by someone he hadn't been paying attention to.

"And your face looks like somebody sat on it!" Gilgamesh finally answered with a childish glare.

"Really? You can tell that Saber did that just from looking?" Ilya said in a very-much faked innocent tone.

Gilgamesh looked confused for a moment, and then he started turning a ghostly pale color as he stared at the older boy.

"Y-You-...!" He was twitching all over. It was pretty cool. Ilya made a note to do this more often. "I'll get you for this!" With a final pointed finger towards Shirou he took off running.

Cheering quietly to herself, Ilya grabbed her brother's one unoccupied arm and started dragging him to a new attraction.

Okay, so maybe the day wasn't half bad after all.


Rin glared at the man who'd helped raise her, doing her best to imprint the wonderful daydream of the man's imminent death through nothing but eye-contact.

Kotomine Kirei was quite possibly one of the very few people she loathed. Sure she disliked Archer to the point where she would probably push him into a pool without hesitation. And no, that wasn't because she wanted to drool over him once he reemerged, with wet fabric clinging to his body, and drenched white hair falling into his slightly narrowed eyes...

Okay, she could appreciate a good-looking guy in wet clothes, so sue her.

Anyway, she disliked Archer, she'd on several occasions considered throwing things after Shirou for being far too dense than could possibly be allowed in a human that was capable of reproducing, and after a brief encounter with a very annoying brat she really couldn't help but smirk at Ilya's record of injuring Gilgamesh. But Kotomine was on a different level.

Over the years that he'd spent as her and Sakura's guardian, Rin had grown to know him very closely, and what she saw in him was utterly revolting.

Firstly, he was a priest who had absolutely no faith in the religion he preached. Secondly, he was terrible with children, which made her wonder why their father had ever thought he'd make a good guardian for the two of them. Thirdly, he had a way of staring at mankind's evils with eyes that had made her arm herself before searching all property he owned, looking for heavily mutilated bodies. Fourthly, she wasn't sure whether he was innocent, or if he was simply that good at hiding the evidence.

Rin suppressed a shiver at the thought.

"What are you doing here, you false priest?"

"Ah, Rin. I'm here with my nephew, though I'm not certain as to his location at this time." Kirei glanced at the tanned man standing at her side. "I don't believe we've met, Mr?"

"Emiya. Emiya Archer." The man stated coolly, clearly picking up on her own dislike for the priest.

"Emiya? It's been a long time since I've heard that name... You wouldn't happen to know an Emiya Kiritsugu, would you?"

"He was my adoptive father." Archer's eyes narrowed slightly at the mentioning of the man he, along with his brother, admired so deeply.

"Ah, I see." Kirei nodded thoughtfully. "Anyways, you wouldn't have happened to run across a blond boy, red eyes, somewhat self-centered, about this height?" He gestured with his hand.

"Wait, are you talking about Gilgamesh?" Rin could hardly believe anyone would call that kid somewhat self-centered, the boy seemed to believe himself to be way out of God's league.

"You know him?" He sounded mildly surprised at the prospect.

"Know him, haven't seen him. Happy for it." And with that, Rin turned on her heel and marched off, knowing that Archer would follow – if perhaps in a slightly less abrupt way.


Ilya was smiling as she heard Saber recount her own meeting with Gilgamesh.

She'd actually disapproved of him enough to give up food to make him shut up.

Sure, she'd 'given it up' by throwing a pie into his face, rather than at the clown in the stall. But, the fact that she hadn't tried to eat it first meant that it'd either smelled horrible, or Gilgamesh had actually managed to override her constant hunger factor.

The day had been a success, even if Sakura had refused to let go of Shirou's arm, even as they began the journey home. Still, considering the amount of blushing her brother did, she supposed that it might be closing in on that time. The time when they actually started dating.

Ilya knew perfectly well that Archer and Rin would end up as a couple. In fact, she'd been planning it for ages. But she also knew that her brother would never confess to his student. Whilst she was still a student.

Assassin seemed to have started to meet up with Taiga outside of the house though, making Ilya feel vaguely disturbed by the idea that Taiga might actually have found herself a man. It was absurd to think about, but that seemed to be what was happening, although there'd been no official or semi-official confessions to that effect, yet.

But even if she complained about Sakura stealing away her brother, she really did wish them well. It was so obvious that she loved him, even if Ilya didn't get along with her, and Shirou obviously returned those feelings, even if currently he was still convinced that she was merely a close friend that he was recently becoming attracted to.

Shirou could be so marvelously dense sometimes.

In fact, Saber and herself were the only ones who were staying away from dating. Ilya because of her age. And Saber because it would probably interfere with her eating habits.

Shaking the image of a grandmother-old Saber who was both still single, and still eating, out of her head, Ilya returned her attention to golden-haired girl in front of her.


A/n: Due to a general lack of plot, this is as far as I can reach with this story. Still hopefully it was enough to entertain.

Below is Archer's final confession, which was supposed to be used at the end of the story.


XXX(Archer/Rin Graduation Confession)

As the principal's speech of utter, supreme boredom finally ground to a halt, and everyone who'd been forced to listen to him breathed a sigh of relief, Archer made his way towards the microphone.

In the crowd was the students that they'd taught for the last few years, family and relatives of the students, and one or two reporters, hoping to get a good shot of the youths who'd be entering into the society of adults.

Archer had never really liked holding speeches. This was partly because he rarely felt he had anything to say that they all needed to hear, and partly because he always had to suppress the urge of utterly humiliating his younger brother in front of a crowd – it was just so easy. But, regardless, today he would hold his own speech to the students, even if it was his last chance at really getting the kid for being so extremely aggravating, since he was graduating.

He hadn't really written up something to say, but he was fairly certain he'd be able to improvise well enough for it not to matter.

"As the headmaster says, this is the end of school, and just like him I'm certain that you will go far in life. Unlike him, my requirement is that none of you die of malnourishment, since that would reflect badly on my own work." He paused as a few chuckles spread across the grounds. "You are no longer my students, which is I'm sure is a bittersweet feeling for most of you. That's the way things are, time moves on, and whilst I might still remember the image of Taiga-sensei in an apron the moment when anything in the kitchen spontaneously combusts, I will remember many of you for your own horrible creations."

By this time, most of the crowd was looking quite pleased at the prospect of not being bored to death, which was probably a good thing, because he was now approaching the point where someone among the teachers might have protested had he actually written the speech and let someone read it.

"I will remember you, more or less, and I'm sure that you will remember me, to at least some extent. I'm no longer your teacher. You're no longer my students. And I'm certain that at least some of you will be delighted by this." His eyes could easily locate Shirou's peeved expression at being forced to listen to him. "Regardless, my name is Emiya Archer, brother of the redheaded clueless moron somewhere out there... I'm also the one who has been forced to listen to Taiga ever since we were kids." This drew some snickers and quite a few pitying glances towards him. "And perhaps life will have us cross paths at some point in the future." He finished evenly. "Thank you for your time."

With a final bow towards his audience, Archer jumped down from the podium with careless ease. He was the last speaker, and the crowd was finally allowed to leave their respective seats. He knew that he probably should be returning to talk to the rest of the teachers and be berated by Taiga for saying such mean things, but he didn't really care, instead homing in on a beautiful girl among them.

Rin raised an eyebrow at him as he finally reached her, but didn't seem inclined to voice whatever thoughts were milling about in that head of hers.

"Hello, my name is Archer. You look absolutely stunning." Archer smirked as Rin blinked, her mind slowly catching up to exactly what he was doing at this moment. "Are you going anywhere special today?" He asked, knowing that she hadn't made any plans due to his own previous suggestion.

Rin shook her head, her face growing redder and her eyes widening in a stunned way that looked truly adorable.

"Wonderful." His smirk widened the tiniest fraction.

Then, his hand gently cupping her chin, he met her lips with his own.

He could hear some voices, and some indignant gasps, but the only thing that really mattered was the warm pair of arms that snaked themselves around his neck in response, the thin fingers that buried themselves in his hair, and the lips that melted softly against his own.

A small part of him was awkwardly aware that Ilya had spotted them and was kicking anyone who disapproved of the sight in the shin. He really should berate her for that later, possibly, probably not. Is that tongue-...?

The last small part of Archer's awareness gleefully ceased all of the other useless functions and concentrated on the kiss.