This is my first story one shot so don't feel offended (to Harry Potter fans). I'm new so this is just a random story fanfic I came up with. This is an alternate ending to deathly hallows. I do not own any of these characters or the setting they come from , I only own this fanfic and 2 spells. Enjoy. Warning I can't spell names well.
After an exhausting battle harry randomly blacked out. He awoke in a bed which seemed kind of familiar to him, almost comforting him. "Oh my god!" harry shouted in extreme shock. "I just had a horrible nightmare were my parents were.. were, killed by a man with a snake fetish and I went to a magic school and my only friends were a nerdy book-worm and a stupid fuck up from the countryside."
"Hello harry" a kind voice came from the other side of a bright room.
"it's us, your family"
Harry slowly approached the place were the sound was coming from. He entered the same place as he did when he saw Dumbledore. Harry spoke with disappointment in his voice."are you bloody kidding me? I'm not dead again, am I?"the voice answered back with delight."this is a little hard to say but... um I kind of... um yes."
Harry's face went from annoyed to distraught."are you fucking kidding me. so your telling me after all this hard work pulled of by my sow-called friends, I ended up dying by the hands of that pale-faced snake basted?" the voiced said the same as it did to him previously."how on on planet earth did he do it? we were in a magical lock of very colourful swishing lights"the voice became more familiar as it spoke on."he got pissed of so he teleported behind you and cut the oxygen of to your brain" Harry broke out in anger."Oh thats fucking rich isn't it" said Harry.
"So anyway where is everybody else?"
" there still alive"
Harry shouted in rage"WHAT!""calm down honey" at that moment he realised who he was talking" wait a minuet, mum it's you... God your hot" his mum's ghost blushed slightly. suddenly he heard a the voice of Dumbledore "you little" Harry interrupted "I know, I know you don't need to insult me.""Idiot" Harry thought he would have said something worse but to his surprise it wasn't very cruel "you actually think your dead?" suddenly harry sat in confusion wondering if he is in purgatory or not.
"what the hell are you talking about you bearded bastard?"
"I mean your still alive"
"so who is that sexy mom ghost?"
"that sexy mom ghost is your sexy mom ghost"
"wow, she is hot"
"anyway, how do I get out of this crappy afterlife?"
"you board the train like last time"
"I tried that but it was more dirty inside the bus than it is in Piccadilly station"
"in what way?"
"there was chewing gum under the seats, there were pornographic magazines everywhere and I think I saw professor Snapes body wedged under the tracks"
"don't be a pussy, now get on it"
Dumbledore moved his hand and said an incantation"Mœrphsisis Ökarła" suddenly a huge flash of light came from behind, Harry turned around to find his sexy mom ghost in a hooker costume "oh god sorry wrong spell" then he waved his arm and said "Bïllililillilili lol" and a stream of red energy came from the tracks and up rose a train with a drunk man on top "he died trying to beat a world record" said Dumbledore " what record?" said Harry " to see who could drink cyanide and live" Harry wanted to face palm but the sentence was so stupid that Harry would have to think up an epic meme to stun the world of what he just said.
Harry entered the train which wasn't as bad as last time, this time there was only a skeleton smoking tobacco. Harry shouted across the train "HAY! do you play the organ?" the skeleton stud up and walked across the room "your fucking dead kid" harry huddled to the back of the train in fear as the skeleton cracked its knuckles.
Sounds started emitting from the ghost train (literally) "Ouch!.. OW.. not the face not the GA. stop, please just stop... help I'm being abused and it technically counts as necrophilia."
10 minuets later the skeleton was back in its corner while punching Harry in the face as he was hanging from the ceiling by his tie. As the train went on a light slowly emerged from the front and Harry suddenly felt like he was falling down an ever lasting hole, he started to speed up and a light-headed feeling came to him "well since nobody is around" Harry said with a rather mischievous smile with his hands on his pants, but luck (or want) was not his side. He fell at an alarming rated which was actually begging to save him "ok, ok, ok you can stop now" instantly he felt as if we just smashed in to a brick wall, he toke a massive breath and opened his eyes to find himself on the bridge where he through the elder wand.
"HOLY HELL WHAT HAPPENED"
Hermione said with a gentle voice "you through the wand of the bridge and it zapped in the face and then you went unconscious"
"ouch it hurts too"
Ron butted in "yeah now you look like a... actually you haven't change a bit, all that's happened is you have a huge mustache"
"what happened?" said Hermione
"I went to purgatory and I saw my mom in a hooker costume and I got attacked by skeleton"
"as you do" said Ron
"wait, did you say skeleton?"
"did it have a smoke"
"he's over there"
Hermione pointed to the edge of the bridge and the skeleton was still smoking "yow" Harry stared blankly for 3 seconds then grabbed his wand and shot a ball of light which incinerated the skeleton "I was better of dead" Harry sighed in relief and hugged his friends. A sound came from further down the bridge leading to Hogwarts "Harry were is my hug" it was Neville, Harry said in frustration "crap, Ron give me your pen" "why?" "I just need to draw something".
Ron tossed him the pen and Harry as quick as he could drew train track lines "what is that gonna do" said Ron "you'll see, now watch this" Harry stretched his arm out and waved his wand in frustration "Bïlilililili lol" Neville ran down the bridge in open arm "lets hug" "Harry what do we do?" said Hermione in a worried tone "just wait, it's coming any minuet now.
"I love hu-" suddenly the white ghostly train from before came from the bridge and decapitated Neville within seconds. "boom take that" Harry said with large confidence. "good I never liked that fat git anyway" said Ron. "now what" "lets just go home" Harry walked of in to the sun set with his friends towards Hogwarts.