Disclaimer: Not mine. Everyone got that?
This is just some random insanity I wrote to try and get out of the major block I've been in lately. The next chapter of S&S, AEN and One Night will hopefully be out soon. Thank god. But I've been major busy lately so please be patient and keep telling me what you think. This story contains insinuated Yaoi and Yuri. Consider yourselves warned.
Another thing. I know next to nothing about Malik so if his minor role in this story is completely OOC then please forgive me.
EnjoySnow White and the seven…um… Co-stars By: Dai-onna
Once upon a time, in a not so far away land, there was a king and queen who longed desperately for a daughter. One whose lips were as red as blood, skin as pale and soft as the snow, and hair as dark as ebony. Yes, they had her looks all lined out and were deluding themselves thinking that she wouldn't strip that dark hair blond and spend hours upon hours in the sun to make that snow-white skin a nice toasty brown.
But still, they wished and whished and finally a good fairy heard their prayers.
Unfortunately, it was New Year's and this good fairy had had one drink too many. So the poor, wishful monarchs instead ended up with a son, his eyes dark as ebony, his hair white as snow and a bloodthirsty spirit living in a ring that hung around his neck.
The young prince's name was Ryou but, since that didn't fit with the story, everyone called him Snow White.
Now, the poor queen was so distraught that she ran away to Tahiti with Ricky Martin so the equally tormented king was forced to remarry.
Now, it wasn't that they didn't love their son, mind you. It's just that they came from a long line of cursed princesses and they didn't want to be the ones to break tradition.
But the new queen, baby Ryou's stepmother, Mai, was a very vain and money hungry girl. She ran around in skimpy clothes to show off her top-heavy figure and spent the kings treasure with abandon, so, needless to say that after money was spent on protecting the surrounding villages, there was little left for poor Ryou.
But Ryou was a kind, sweetly dispositioned boy who never asked for anything.
Sixteen years soon passed since Ryou's birth and everyone in the kingdom loved him for his beautiful face and nature. Everyone except his stepmother that is.
For while she was fair of face, she was fair of little else. She was self-serving and inconsiderate and didn't bother dealing with those below her rank.
There was a large commotion about the castle because a prince from a neighboring kingdom was visiting to discuss a peace treaty.
Ryou was excited because he'd never met another prince before and was looking forward to talking to someone who was in his position. His Yami however, whose, Ryou knew first hand, tastes ran that way, was hoping for someone attractive, because, he and Ryou being the most attractive boys in the kingdom, made it hard to find someone worth bothering with.
The queen, who was of the opinion that one man was never enough, was hoping for the same thing.
When the visiting prince finally arrived, they all found themselves satisfied.
The young man was barely older than Ryou, slightly taller with golden hair and warm caramel colored eyes. Both Ryou and his Yami found themselves liking him immediately for different, and at the same time, similar reasons.
The prince introduced himself as Katsuya but insisted that Ryou call him Joey.
Much to the queen's dismay, she was not extended the same courtesy.
All throughout dinner, Joey was found blatantly staring at Ryou, something that pleased his Yami to no end. Ryou excused himself from the table, embarrassed to be under such scrutiny and ran out into the garden. The garden was huge and lush, full of rose bushes and a vast hedge maze that Ryou knew by heart, he wound his way through it, pointedly ignoring his Yami's insults about his cowardice and hoped that no one would find him.
Unfortunately for Ryou, his bad luck hadn't decided that that would be a good moment to finally dissipate and Ryou was startled by footsteps following him. Eventually he stopped and let his pursuer catch him.
Joey finally caught up with him and blinked at him, confused.
"Why did you run off?" He asked. Ryou had to fight against a sigh because this prince had one of the sexiest voices he'd ever heard. Ryou never got to answer because his Yami had taken that moment, their isolation and the dark of night, as the perfect moment to appear.
If Joey was startled, which he most certainly was since Ryou's psychotic other wasn't exactly common knowledge, he didn't get the chance to show it because Yami Bakura had pressed him up against one of the hedge walls and was kissing him breathless.
Joey was reluctant at first but soon responded to the embrace eagerly and Ryou watched them with more than a little envy.
When the two finally separated, Joey looked quite flustered and Ryou's Yami was staring at him hungrily.
Ryou, knowing that his Yami would have his way and not entirely objecting to it, grabbed the confused prince by the wrist and pulled him out of the maze.
Joey, while far from stupid, didn't have much in the way of common sense. That, combined with his now racing hormones was all it took for him to allow Ryou and his dark other to drag him back to the palace into their room.
He hadn't found the strength to go back to his own room until late the next morning.
The queen had watched them the entire time through an enchanted mirror that she had bought at a flea market from strange Egyptian guy with a hood and glowing red eyes. It seemed the queen didn't have much in the way of sense either.
She was horribly jealous and was starting to doubt her own unwavering beauty.
"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" She asked, impatiently waiting it's answer.
A young woman with brown hair that didn't reach her shoulders appeared in the glass and gave her a rather sarcastic look.
"If I said it was you it would sort of defeat the purpose of the story, wouldn't it?" She snapped The queen was taken aback by her response before part of her meaning set in.
"If I'm not the prettiest, then who is?" She demanded. The girl in the mirror only continued to glare at her.
"Gee, I don't know, could it be Snow White? Wouldn't that be a surprise?" The queen ignored her rudeness and seethed.
"That punk? How could he be prettier than me, he isn't even a girl!" ignoring her mirror now, Queen Mai when about devising a plan so that Snow White would be gone, and Prince Katsuya would be hers. A devious plot coming to mind, she summoned for a hunter.
The hunter was a young man with white hair and purple eyes who had obviously spent too much time in the sun. His name was Malik and, while half the time he was a kind, sweet young man, the other half of the time he was quite homicidal.
The queen knew of this and was hoping to catch him in a particularly off mood.
She ordered the young man to take Snow White into the woods and kill him. The young hunter didn't show any sort of concern either way and the queen took this as a good sign. Dismissing the hunter, she began celebrating her eminent victory.
Deep in the wood there was a large mansion where there lived seven young men. Two of those young men were rarely seen by the others because one was too busy playing with his bugs and the other was smart enough to know that they both were far from liked by the others, so he too kept busy by raising an odd assortment of reptiles.
The other five sat about the dining room this day, doing nothing in particular. The tallest and wealthiest of the group had a displeased look on his face as he read his script.
"How did we wind up with these roles?" he wondered aloud. " We're hardly dwarves." He then ran a gaze over his brother and one of his boyfriends. "Well, most of us." Yami and Honda nodded in agreement.
Yugi and Mokuba scowled at them but Yugi relented and sighed.
"It couldn't be helped, we didn't have enough characters as it was."
Seto shook his head knowing that there was nothing he could do about it.
"I better be getting pain extra for this, he mumbled.
The other four looked up at him in shock.
"You're getting paid?!"
The next day Ryou was particularly happy. One, because he'd gotten laid. Two, because his Yami wasn't beating him up because he'd gotten laid. He was looking around for Joey when the young hunter approached him. He'd met the young man once or twice but tended to avoid him since he seemed rather unstable.
But, being the nice and unsuspecting boy that he was, he allowed Malik to take him into the woods. Once they were in far enough, the hunter revealed his true intention, which was not to kill the boy, like the queen had intended but rather to try and accost the beautiful prince.
His Yami who was, for once, most definitely not in the mood appeared and beat up the decidedly crazy young man. Before loosing consciousness, as well as all of his distinguishable features under the mass of newly acquired bruises, the hunter became his normal sweet self and explained the queen's plan.
Yami Bakura cursed vividly and dragged his startled counterpart deeper into the woods, running for what felt like hours until they came across the elaborate mansion, something that gave them pause. You don't see too many of those in the woods.
Ryou ran up to it and banged on the door, hoping that someone would answer. A small boy with spiky, tri-colored hair opened the door and looked at them confused. After taking in their disheveled appearance, he ushered them inside. He led them to the dining room where the others sat. The took in the two visitors with unconvincing surprise since they'd just been reading the script but they played along. Ryou explained what had happened to the motley group while his Yami studiously appraised the flatware.
He turned to Seto in the middle of Ryou's explanation holding up a fork.
"Is this real silver or just plated?"
"Real, of course." Seto answered sounding slightly insulted that he'd think it was anything else. Bakura nodded and once Ryou was finished, he told them: "Alright, I've decided that I'll allow you to take us in." He said in all seriousness.
The five looked at him incredulously but no one said anything, after all, it was in the script and no one wanted to upset the authoress. Yami was still having nightmares from the last time.
They took the two in but since they supposedly had lives, they wouldn't always be there to protect them. So they told Ryou to always stay inside and to never answer the door. They told his Yami to go out whenever he wanted.
Back in the kingdom The hunter, who had failed in his set task, cut out the heart of a wild boar and took it back to the queen, telling her that it was Snow White's.
The queen, who hadn't asked for any such thing because it was gross and altogether disturbing, promptly fainted. When she finally recovered, she went to her mirror.
"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" She asked once again. The brown haired girl appeared in the mirror, her expression almost amused, something that unnerved the queen.
"Even if he were dead, it wouldn't be you." Mai ignored anything that was said after 'even if he were dead' and stormed around her room kicking the walls and throwing things.
Not knowing what to do, the queen went to see an odd sorcerer. A young American with long silver hair and a weird gold sphere where one of his eyes should be. He said everything in singsong, often mixing English and Japanese and always ending his sentences with 'masu' or 'desu'. Mai found this very annoying but listened intently to everything he said.
The man gave her a pair of black leather pants and told her that when the prince put them on he would die almost instantly.
The queen thought this was weird since she'd never seen the prince wear anything that wasn't conservative or even prudish but she was desperate, since it would never occur to her to just take a knife and kill the boy herself.
Yami Bakura, who had gotten irritated spending the day in the mansion with Ryou who just wanted to clean instead of have any fun, or sex as the case was, and the two weirdoes who kept to their rooms, had gone outside to find something to kill to work off his frustration.
His senses on alert he knew immediately when someone was near. He pulled his knife out, ready to kill whoever it was. He blinked when he saw that it was an oddly suspicious, cloaked figure with a souvenir cart loaded with fashionable clothes. Curious, he put the blade away and looked over the clothes, the character-for-this-story's-common-sense meter reaching an all-time low. His gaze settled on a pair of tight leather pants and he thought that maybe they would get Ryou to loosen up a bit if he saw him in them and then he'd finally get some. He hadn't had sex in over a whole day and was getting desperate.
"Hey, how much are these?" He demanded.
The hooded figure turned to him.
"Special sale, only $20. Real bargain."
Bakura didn't pay attention that the voice was one he'd heard for the past sixteen years or the fact that people don't wear drab, brown cloaks with three-inch heels. Instead, he bought the pants and a few shirts with money he'd stolen from Seto's wallet—no need to spend his own money, or Ryou's as it was, on such trivialities—and headed back towards the mansion.
Ryou noticed the bundle of clothes with curiosity and wanted to see what he'd gotten but Bakura wouldn't let him get close.
The young prince followed his Yami into their room with peaked interest and watched as he pulled on the new pants and a silk shirt.
The pants had had the desired effect and Ryou was really turned on but, unfortunately for Bakura, the magical effect of the leather had kicked in and they'd started to rapidly shrink until finally Yami Bakura couldn't breathe and he passed out.
Ryou panicked and pulled out his Yami's knife. He slid the flat of the blade under the still shrinking leather and, using all his strength to keep it away from his Yami's skin, turned to blade so it sliced through the material. The leather stopped shrinking and Ryou cut the rest of it from his Yami's body.
After a few minutes of shaking him, Bakura woke up; mad as hell. Ryou wisely kept his distance as Bakura stormed around the room breaking things and cursing wildly.
Haga, the insect freak, having little or no self-preservation instincts, came in demanding to know what was going on. Yami Bakura pounced, beating him to a bloody pulp and then went and set fire to his bug collection.
When the other's came back and wanted to know why the fire department was there, Ryou explained what had happened and Seto gave Bakura a whole bunch of money to thank him for beating up Haga and burning his bugs, something they'd all wanted to do but couldn't because it violated their contracts. Bakura calmed down considerably. But still, everyone was wary because of the incident.
Back at the castle, Joey was getting worried because he couldn't find Ryou or his Yami and so he went and bought a copy of the finished story from a vendor that was conveniently placed beside the castle gate. His eyes widened but he figured since he had some time before his next actual scene that he'd go and get something to eat.
Up in her tower, the queen once again confronted her mirror.
The brown-haired girl was smiling this time and Mai punched a wall in frustration, nearly breaking her hand, as the mirror spirit chuckled.
"Sorry, death plots are so hard to come by, aren't they?" She teased. The queen screamed and fled from her room.
Instead of going back to the weird sorcerer, she went to see another American. A thief and assassin who specialized in making people very dead. He looked like a blonde Lenny Kravitz and smelled of alcohol but the queen tolerated him. But, since, like the good fairy, he was more than a little drunk, he was in no condition to actually kill anybody. Instead he gave her a poisoned apple and told her that one bite would kill the prince instantly.
Ryou looked around the kitchen of the mansion in frustration. The entire room was filled with nothing but junk food, and Ryou, who insisted on eating healthy, thought he would sooner starve to death than actually eat any of it.
But still, he was quite hungry and didn't know what to do.
Out of the corner of his eye he caught a movement and saw a little American kid pass by the window carrying a basket of apples.
Nearly drooling, Ryou ran over to the window and called the boy over. The boy had a reddish-brown colored hair, with freckles and was missing one of his front teeth. Ryou asked him if he would sell him one of the apples and the boy just took one out of his basket and handed it to him. Ryou thanked him for his generosity and turned away, not seeing the boy counting the wad of money that woman with the huge rack had given him.
Ryou bit into the apple, savoring the taste of it before falling lifelessly to the ground.
When the five boy's came back from whatever it was they did to get out of the mansion, they found him that way, and they were greatly saddened. Actually, four of them were saddened; Seto didn't really care one way or another.
Yugi, being the freak that he was, insisted that they put him in a glass coffin so that they could always look upon his beautiful face. The others thought this was just disturbing and kind of morbid but they went along with it because, like everything else, it was in the script.
Joey, who was pitifully trying to follow the directions of his map, finally came across the mansion—it was kinda hard to miss.
He went over to Ryou who was lying prone beneath the glass. He lifted the lid and lifted the boy gingerly out of the coffin.
Not being the most romantic guy in the world, instead of kissing the ailing prince, he grabbed him by the front of his shirt and began shaking him violently.
The boy coughed and finally a chunk of apple fell from his mouth. Turns out that Keith had given the queen the wrong apple and the one Ryou had bitten had been normal; he'd just choked on a piece because he had eaten it too fast. In his drunken stupor, Keith had eaten the poisoned apple himself and died.
No one mourned.
Ryou hugged the prince who'd come to rescue him and Yami Bakura, who'd been taking a nap, pounced on him and kissed him madly. When he started pulling off his clothes though, those who had gathered decided to be elsewhere, except for Yugi who watched with rapt fascination until Seto and Yami dragged him off.
Back at the castle, Mai was outraged. The original queen, who'd grown tired of Ricky Martin, Enrique Inglacias, Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise…. And a whole bunch of others; had returned and, being the king's original and true love was moved back into the castle.
Mai had been instantly divorced.
Back in her original downtrodden cottage she looked in her mirror which had been the only thing she'd been allowed to keep.
"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? And it damn well better be me!" The girl once again appeared in the mirror and shook her head.
"You know you really shouldn't swear. It isn't nice. And scowling like that is only going to give you wrinkles." She chirped before showing the queen an image of Ryou with Joey. The Mai sank to the floor and sobbed, knowing that she'd once again failed.
"Nobody loves me…" she cried, miserably
The girl in the mirror nodded sympathetically
Enraged, the queen threw the mirror to the floor, shattering it. Where the shards of the mirror lay, the girl that had vacated it appeared before her. She wasn't quite as tall as her and her breasts weren't as big but she was nicely proportioned and, at the moment, stark naked.
The girl stretched languorously.
"Yeah, thanks about that. I was starting to get a leg cramp." She said sociably. She noticed the former queen staring at her and then her current state of undress.
"Pervert." She snapped but made no move to cover her body. A feline smile crossed her face.
"You know, I really should thank you for letting me out of that mirror."
Mai's eyes widened and she started to retreat.
"Um, no, that's not necessary… I'm just gonna go, yeah go! Um, feel free to keep the cottage. " She made a mad dash for the door but the brown haired girl caught her before she could escape.
"Sorry, honey, but your stuck with me now. It's in the script." She held up the damned papers and Mai ran her eyes over them before lowering her head in defeat.
And they all lived happily ever after.
Mai, Haga, Ryuzaki and Keith: Who lived happily?!!!!!
Ahem… And most of them lived happily ever after.
Hope you enjoyed it. I've never actually written a humorish fic before.