Disclaimer: I do not own the Outsiders.
A/N: Thank you guys so very much for the reviews!
"Darker. Here, hold still!"
I close my eyes as she applies the black make-up we bought at the CVS down town. I bought it with the few dollars I had left from my allowance. My parents never give me much for the chores I do. They are afraid of what may happen if they do.
I'm wearing Lucy's skirt. It's short and I can feel the coldness of my seat because the fabric doesn't cover my butt.
The stockings she's made me wear are Chrissy's. The underwear and bra I'm wearing are hers too. Lucy picked them out for me because all of mine are either white or pink. She tells me that boys don't like that and that's why I'm still a virgin.
"You look like a cheap whore," I say, looking at her outfit. It's a small comeback but she sees it as more of a complement than anything. "My mom will pitch a fit if she sees you leave here."
Lucy caps up all the make-up that's spilled across the dresser. "What do you think Mommy is gonna say about you?"
I look at myself through the full body mirror. My mom says I have a "dancer's body" and Lucy tells me I'm perfectly skinny with a big butt but no boobs. That's why she hands me a box of tissues.
"Aren't you gonna use some?" I ask, talking out a few.
She flips her hair over, spraying it down. "Does it look like I need some?"
No. Lucy has breasts the size of Texas. Everyone at school swears she stuffs but I saw her change tonight and put that theory to rest. They're bigger than my mom's. She says my family is just cursed and hers is blessed.
"That's too much!" Lucy snatches the handful of tissues in my hand and fixes them. "Pull your shirt out. I'll do it."
I do as I'm told. I feel her ice cold hand on my breasts. She puts them in places and then fixes my bra to make them look even bigger. She pulls my top down so my cleavage line shows.
"You look boss, Syl. Dally is gonna be all over you tonight!"
Dally. He called me last night to make sure we're on for our date. We stayed on the phone for hours until my father came home from work and lectured me about using up the phone. I didn't tell him I was on the phone with a boy. I would never.
There are things I've learned from Chrissy's mistakes. I've learned how not to get the crap kicked out of me by my dad and how to get away with little things - smoking, drinking, dating. My parents don't think I've had my first kiss yet.
"How do I look?" Lucy spins around in her heels. "You think Tim can resist this?"
No. I barely can. Lucy flaunts her hotness. "No. He's gonna love it, Lou."
She smacks her lips together before grabbing her back, and me, and rushing out the door. "Perfect, let's go."
My dad's in the living room. It's Friday night and he always gets the TV. Mom is always in the kitchen cleaning up tonight's dinner and later, she'll join him in watching some program without sex or drugs or violence. Usually a movie - a Western.
Lucy puts her finger up to her lips and laughs as she shushes me. We tip-toe around like we're sneaking into a house or robbing a bank. I don't know what she thinks she's going to accomplish. Out house is twenty feet around. There is not enough room to sneak in. That was always Chrissy's problems. Nights when she's sneak in after she had just smoked a joint in the car, Dad would always be right there, belt in hand. He'd drag her to her bed room and shut the door. I couldn't go in for a while and Mom would hide away as if she didn't know.
"Oh my!" A plate hits the bottom of the sink and soap goes all over my mouth. She wipes her hands off on her apron and comes running towards me. "What in heaven's name are you wearing?"
I bite my lip as my dad gets up from his chair and comes over. His eyes get wider than Mom's. "Young lady, what is this!"
"Hello, Mr. Mason," Lucy jumps to, taking some of the attention off of me. "We were just going to go catch a movie and get some ice-cream. Sylvia is more than welcomed to come to my house afterwards, that is, if it's ok with you."
My dad's rage is too thick for Lucy's sucking up though he is all for sucking up.
I bite down harder on my poor lip. I can taste the metallic blood seeping through and coating my teeth. It turns my already dark red lips even darker. The back of my knees and upper thighs are sweating.
"I'm sorry Lucy, but neither of you are leaving dressed like that!"
Lucy comes to my rescue, yet again. If she wasn't here, I know just what my father would want to do to me. He wouldn't do it in front of her though. Oh no, he has a reputation to uphold in this town. "It's just a costume, Mr. Mason. It's costume night down at the drive in. Everyone will be in character."
"Wear your old Halloween costume," he growls out.
A pink bunny. That's what I was the last time I wore a costume. Chrissy and I were matching rabbits. That was the last Halloween we went trick-or-treating and let our mother pick out what we were to wear.
I bite my lip a little bit harder. Lucy is scrambling for words. "Mr. Mason-"
"Lucy, I'm not talking to you."
Lucy is taken aback. She's probably never been told no before in her life or hushed by anyone other than a nun. She's never seen or heard my father like this before. She has no idea how loud he can really get.
I grab Lucy sweaty warm hand and hold it. "We'll just spend the night here. We'll go get ready for bed."
"Good," both of them say in sequence.
I take Lucy back into my room and slowly close the door behind us.
"What was that shit about?" She's raging mad and she's chasing me as I fix everything in the room. "I'm not staying here tonight because your parents said no. They can't tell me what to do. I'm going to see my boyfriend!"
She's like a five year old who just got punished. A spoiled princess is what everyone at school calls her. She's throwing a temper tantrum right in the middle of my room. If I ever did something like that, I would be dog chow.
"Keep your voice down," I say quietly. I go by the light switch and turn it off. I fix both of the beds with cushions and pull up the blankets. "Unlock the window."
She huffs, putting her hands on her hips. "You have got to be kidding me."
I ignore her, going to do it myself. "I said shut up. I've seen Chrissy do this a billion times. Just climb out."
"Goddamnit." She sticks one foot over the edge of the window. "The things I do for you."
The boys are getting bigger the closer we get. I look away and try not to stare. I can't turn red. I can't smile the way I do when I'm nervous, with my cheeks twitching and lips turned lopsided. That wouldn't be cool and I need to be cool here.
I need to ignore the burn where Lucy is gripping my wrist. I don't wonder why she's holding me so tight and why I can't just walk on my own. I don't look like anyone compared to Lucy. Maybe that's why she's holding me like this and walking me over like it's my first day of school and she's my over protected mother.
She won't let me out of her sight. I can't bail out and maybe that's the reason she has me so tightly wound around her. There is no other way here. I can't run. I can only go forward to the boys with Lucy - to Dallas.
"Hey there," Dally says to me once we're close enough.
Lucy breaks her hold of my and almost jumps into Tim's arms. They look like star-crossed lovers who have been away from each other for months. They look like the couples on the news who are reunited after the war.
"Hi," I say to him. He's staring at me. I don't know what to do but I feel so far away from him. I step closer.
He smirks, blowing out smoke from his cigarette. "Would you look at them legs? Mmmmm."
I can feel my face get red. I've gotten complements from boys before. There's something about Dally though that makes me sweat. Something that makes me crave and want – something I've never felt before. Even just standing here, all I want to do is kiss him. He stands with so much confidence that it makes me nerves and scared and excited.
He bought me a coke and now he's sitting beside me, his knee touching mine. He has his hand on my bare thigh and he's gently stroking it and inching it up more and more as if I don't notice. We're all giggling and laughing and not paying any attention to the movie or the old people behind us that are shushing us.
I look over and Lucy has taken her position on Tim's lap. She was dying to see this movie but she only lifts her head up for air. It's not an uncommon sight. One night, she set me up with Tim's friend. We went to the lot and smoked and talked and then she got really quiet. She was giving him a blow job right there in front of all of us.
"Tell me something about you."
It's a demand. He doesn't put any light on it like it's an option for me to answer. I have to. "I like horses."
"You ever rode a bull?"
I shake my head. I bite down hard on the end of my straw. I feel like a little thirteen year old on her first date. "No. Have you?"
He smirks and holds back a big laugh. He shakes his head and smiles. "Nah, honey. I don't go that way."
I keep biting down on my straw as he cracks up even more. He throws some popcorn at Tim and tells him how I've never rode a bull. He and Lucy both start cracking up too and Lucy hits me on my arm. "Oh, baby Sylvia."
I sink down in my seat. "I didn't know what he meant."
"Sure you didn't. You haven't anyway."
"You don't know that."
She rolls her eyes and goes back to her old position. I can feel my body sinking further down in my seat. My heart is pounding and there's this liquid bubbling inside of me. It's running up my throat and begging to come out. It's an angry feeling that's taking over my body.
Dally stares at my face as if he expects me to say something or just laugh and tell him all the boys I've been with. Instead I just shake my head and bite my lip. "I'm-"
His hands grab my face. He pushes me onto him and his lips mash against mine. I scramble in my seat. It feels like I've just been punched but I haven't and I realize there's a pair of lips on mine - Dallas Winston's lips. The Dallas Winston everyone talks about at school, even the nuns. He's holding me and putting his tongue in my mouth.
My body relaxes as if he just released some sort of poison into me and I'm on the verge of death. I'm just here and it's him who is playing and kissing me though I feel my lips moving but I don't remember making them.
I can feel my hand trembling as he pulls apart for some air. His warm breath hits my face.
"Aye! Knock it off you two!"
"Bite me, old man!"
I can't feel my chest. I can't feel anything.
"You're red," he says. He sneers and reaches out and touches my hot cheeks. "Nervous, sweets?"
I swallow down his flavor. It runs down my mouth and it tastes like heaven. It tastes like a big sundae on a hot day. The kind with nuts and hot sauce and a cherry on top. I want more. I want to eat more ice cream and to have that taste in my mouth. I've never had that taste before. My lips have never been numb this way before.
"Speechless," he says. "I tend to have that effect on women. It's a gift. Comes in handy a lot."
I touch my lips to make sure they're still attached to my face. I lick them over with my touch and taste the nickel lip gloss I bought at the CVS. I lick them over and over again to get any taste I can of Dally's.
I think of Chrissy at this moment. I think about all the nights when she'd dance into our room and tell me stories of boys and kisses and how I've always dreamed of being her and having those kisses and those feelings. She'd fall on her bed and just glow and beam and you could tell she was in love.
It occurs to me, Dallas is Chrissy's type. The type of boy that made her feel this way. The boy who took her away - who saved her from the cruel world we were both forced to live.
When she was with this boy, nothing else mattered. He took her away. Could Dally do me?
"Aye, sweets. You breathing?"
"Y-Yeah," I stammer, coming back down from the trip he sent me on. "You should come to my party," I say and I feel like a little kid and I wish I hadn't even mentioned it. It's going to be a baby party and he's not going to want to come. He's too cool for baby birthday parties.
Instead of saying anything right away, he smirks. He blows smoke from his cigarette. "You gonna have booze?"
What would Chrissy do? "Uh, yeah! Tons!"
He laughs and throws the bud of the cigarette down. "Sure, babe. I'll come."
I can feel my eyes light up. "Really?"
"For you? Why not?"
It's a reflex. I didn't make my body move. I didn't make myself move and my hands grab his face and my lips act and kiss him. But this happened. I created the move and I kissed him. It was more than a kiss. It was that sundae running through my whole body. It was passionate and real and with this boy whom I've only dreamed about.
It made me feel good.
"Damn," he says as he pulls away and touches his lips the same way I did. Then, once he has collected himself and what happened as registered, he grabs me, kissing me all over again.
This must be what it feels like to be a piece of meat and be wanted by someone hungry. This is all I have to do - flirt. This is easy. I'm delicious.
"What did you do to your face?" he asks slowly. He's observing me and giving me an evil glare as if I was possessed with a demon - the devil himself just walked through his living room.
I turn my back to him and lick the edge of my cake. "It's make-up, Dad."
"Do you actually think that looks good?" he asks and his eyebrows are raised, which means I'm the stupidest piece of shit to ever walk the earth. His footsteps grow louder the closer he gets.
I clinch the edge of the counter with my nails digging into it and I wonder where my mother is. She's always around yet she's never around when this starts. "I don't know."
His hands are on my shoulders now. He pinches them tightly. "You look like a slut."
"Well you do. Your face is all painted up like a piece of white trash. Am I just supposed to pretend I don't see it? Who's it for, Sylvia? Is there something I should know? Who all is coming to this party?"
I jerk him off of me and walk away. Chrissy always told me to do it. Just keep walking. Walk away. Walk in a circle if you have to. It's harder to catch you that way.
"Did you hear me?"
"Do you have anything to say?"
I have a lot to say. It's what I may say that'll get me in trouble. Oh I have so many things I want to say to him. "No."
He pats me on the top of the head. "Good. Your guests should be coming soon. Wipe that shit off your face and look presentable. This is a birthday party, not a date."
Twenty minutes later, people come. I sit on my bed with a wet cloth in my hand. It's turned cold from the waiting. I'm supposed to be washing off my face and getting a better dress on that really fits but instead, I just sit.
I wonder if Dally is here yet. He'll be late. I can't wait until he walks in and asks for me. Hopefully he'll ask my dad and then he'll wonder why he is here and what he wants with me. He'll worry and storm up to my room in full sweat. He'll start asking questions and I'll make him squirm and tell him whatever I want.
I pick at my pantyhose. They are my mothers. As I pick, holes appear. They start out small but as I dig and pick, they grow. Dally likes my legs but my parents make me cover them. No skirts or dresses above the knee. Nothing that will make me look like those girls on TV who are on the streets begging for money and sex and drugs.
They don't know me though. They didn't know Chrissy either though they told their friends that she told them everything. They'd brag on her because she was the smart one even though she had sex more than they ever did. She was the pretty one that everyone always talked about. My parents told their friends about the volunteer work she did and what wonderful things teachers would say about her.
The girl that lived down the hall, did make good grades, she did volunteer every weekend at the soup kitchen. She is also the same girl who slept with her boyfriend, did drugs, and cut school. My parents knew this. They tried to stop it and they'd cry about how this was not the girl they raised and she was not like this.
She was broken. She broke. They broke her.
"Here you are." Lucy slips in and eases the door shut behind her.
She's wearing a pink dress that actually comes to her knees and covers her shoulders. Every time she wears outfits like this, you can guess that her mother has gotten up off the couch, showered, and put herself together long enough to forget about her husband's affairs and start paying attention to her daughter that passes through her radar when she's too drunk from the sixth glass of wine to notice where she goes at night.
She sits beside me and bounces the bed up and down. "I don't blame you for hiding out up here. God, it's so lame in there. It's mainly parents bragging on their bratty kids and cheap punch and stale chips."
"Do you have alcohol with you?"
"No. Ma's on one of her kicks again where she wants to better her life. She got rid of everything in the house. Tim's coming though. He'll have some. Though I'm sure your dad won't let him in."
I get up and shimmy my skirt up so it's shorter than before. "Let's leave then."
"What? You can't leave your own party. I think people are going to notice you're gone."
I shrug and search for the spare money I've saved up. I stuff the few dollars into my bra and shake my hair a little. "Do you have that weed still?"
She raises her eyebrows but doesn't hide her sneaky grin. "Got a lighter?"
He thinks he can control me. He plays this game and acts like supper dad because there are people here that are watching. He can't hide his face from its dark red color. He knows everyone in this room can see me and he can't cover that up. He can't reach out and hit and he can't cuss and yell.
He's a good Christian man - I'm the devil.
I cover my mouth as I giggle. "Hi, Daddy."
Mom is slipping away. She doesn't think anyone can tell her punch is tainted with Whiskey and that she's had three cups now. She doesn't come out in the open to yell and deal with the situation because she doesn't want to be here either.
Dad's mouth his wide open. He doesn't know what to say and as he opens his mouth, the door busts open and his worst nightmare walks in.
"Hey baby." Once he puts his arm around me, Dad knows what's going on and who he is. Everyone in this room does, especially my nerdy classmates with pimples and frizzed hair. They act like it's so scandalous and that I should be ashamed though every single one of them is wet and their underwear drenched.
They want to be me.
I hold my head a little higher. "Daddy, this is Dally. My Dally."
"You're high," he growls. "Get upstairs!"
Dally squeezes me and I let out a giggle that feels bubbly. "Why don't we get out of here?" And he leads me to the door where Tim stands with Lucy and they hold it open for me like I'm their queen.
Everyone can see me. Yes, Dally is walking me to the door. Yes, Daddy, you see me?
"Don't you dare go out that door young lady!"
I laugh. "How are you going to stop me?"
And I leave.
I've found myself. On the first day of school the teachers always ask you to tell them about yourself. No one knows who they are but I've found who I am. I've found who Sylvia is. This is me - a rebel, a villain, a lover. I'm my sister only better.
I am in love...and nothing will ever be the same again.
A/N: I'm sorry for the delay in updates. The next chapters are flowing better for me and should be up quicker.
Thank you for reading and please leave a review!