True love? I used to believe in it. But when you've had your heart torn out and thrown on the floor, you just don't care anymore…
"So you're still leaving?" I asked her, I wanted her to say no. I want her to stay and be always by my side. But it wasn't my choice to make, and even if it were, I think it would be selfish of me to make her stay.
"Yeah." She said quietly, I almost didn't hear it. I know it's hard for her too. But… "This is my dream, to go to Yale. I'm just so glad I got accepted." Her smile was there again, that smile saying she's really happy. Then there's her look saying 'I wish you guys are happy for me too'
"I'm happy for you" I said smiling my best smile.
"Oh you look really happy." She said sarcastically. She knows me too well. But that's what puzzles me. How can she see all of my feelings except my love for her?
I looked at her seriously. This time I didn't fail to not smile. "I'm happy for you, really." I looked at her and continued, "But I'm not so sure if I'm happy for myself."
"Come on. Stop being so dramatic, San." Quinn said playfully. Sometimes, I think she knows how I really feel about her. But it makes me ask myself. If she does, then why doesn't she do anything about it? Is it because it doesn't bother her? Or because she just doesn't care?
"I'm serious Q." I looked down. "We'll miss you; Rach, Spence, Em, Hanna, Aria and Sam. We all are going to miss you."
She held my hand, and like usual, I feel that electricity people talk about. And those butterflies too, I feel it everytime I think about her. "I've read a quote before, it was in the cover of my notebook, it said there that friends are like stars; they're not always seen, but they're always there." She smiled again. It was a sweet smile, she always have the sweetest smiles.
I wanted to tell her that she wasn't just a star to me, she is my whole damn sky. But I couldn't.
But despite that, I can't help but smile too. "You know I'm not the serious type of person, right?"
"Definitely." She chuckled.
"But these past few days, I've been really serious. Thinking about a lot of things…" I don't even know why I'm saying this but I have to somehow let it out, even little by little.
"Like what?" She asked curiously.
"About you." I said as I looked at her again. I saw that look again, that look of adoration, I can see it but sometimes I wish that she tells it to me too. That she's happy and she's touched. But we never say it. We don't talk about stuffs that deep, like feelings.
Instead she laughed. "Yeah right."
"I'm trying to be serious here, Quinn." I said, of course I said it as if it was just a joke.
"My bad, okay, continue." She said chuckling.
"I'll miss hanging out in this park with you. This is our so-called secret place even though it's a public place. And without you in it, it just won't be the same." I think I'm about to cry, but I did my best to stop it. We have this perception that only weak people cry. And our ego is too big for us to be weak.
She didn't say anything this time. And I can see that her eyes are welling up too.
"Would you miss me?" I was embarrassed the moment I said that. I sounded pathetic.
"I'd miss them." She said and laughed again. I frowned and her smile grew bigger.
I smirked. "Wait, is there some kind of a punch line?"
She laughed sarcastically, "No, there isn't."
My smile fade. I think she meant that as a joke but I still want to hear her say that she'll miss me. "So you're not going to miss me?"
"I just won't." Quinn said nonchalantly.
I looked at her. I contemplated for a while, then spoke again.
"It's hard to give up on something when you know it might never happen; but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want." I looked at her straight in the eyes. I hoped that maybe, just maybe, this time she'll get it right. That this time she'd be able to understand what I'm really telling her.
She smiled. And it broke a piece of me. She didn't get it. I almost give up on her, but like I said, it's hard to give up when you know it's everything you ever wanted.
"You are really dramatic. Maybe I'll miss you someday. Maybe."
I sighed. I wanted to tell her right here and then that I love her, but I can't. Like always, I'm afraid of what her reaction will be. What if she has no idea that I like her? What if she knows but she ignores it for the sake of our friendship? I don't want to risk our friendship. It matters to me so much. She'll be leaving soon, what if she finds someone there who's better than me? My head is really overloading of my 'what ifs'.
I snapped back to reality. "Yeah?"
"It's getting late, don't you think? We still got classes tomorrow." Quinn being Quinn.
"I'll walk you home." It's our routine, because her house is nearer than mine, I get to walk her home. I get to make sure she's safe. Without her thinking more to it.
"Santana Lopez, how's yesterday?" Emily said to me as I sat beside her at the school pathway.
So I told her everything Quinn and I talked about. Besides Quinn, Emily is my closest friend. I got to tell her everything. She reads me like an open book too. I can tell her anything, even things that I can't tell Quinn. She's like my sister actually. She's the one who gives me advices. That's why I love her so much.
"When are you really going to tell her? You've only got a month." It's been her line since we found out that Quinn was accepted in Yale as a transferee student.
"I don't know. You know how coward I am when it comes to her." It's no secret that I like girls, and everyone I care about accepts that. I have many flings before, they tell me I'm kind of a player, but when it comes to Quinn, I chicken out. "Maybe in the right time."
"You always say that, but how will you know it's the right time?" That made me think: 'How will I?'
Our conversation was cut short when Rachel, Hanna and Spencer came. I haven't told them yet that I'm in love with our best friend. Actually, I intentionally don't want to tell them, because Rachel doesn't agree with me being in serious relationships with girls, while Spencer doesn't agree with me being with a girl at all. She doesn't hate me for it though. Like I said, they accept me. But Spencer never fails on telling me how dating a guy is much better and much right. Hanna, for that matter…well, I don't really have a problem with her. She doesn't mind that I date girls at all.
"Where's Sam and Aria?" I asked curiously.
"Aren't you going to ask where Quinn is?" Rachel asked teasingly. She knows I intentionally didn't mention Quinn. I didn't answer. "Bitter."
We laughed at that. They know Quinn and I are really close to each other in a platonic manner. And they know that I just act like I don't care, but I'm really going to be one of the saddest person when Quinn leaves. "Whatever, Rachel."
Hanna hooked her right arm in my shoulder, "Let's go to class."
"I hope Mrs. Walter is absent today. I don't feel like listening today." Rachel said.
"Me too." We all agreed.
When we arrived in the classroom, Emily sat beside me on the front, right corner. We always seat on the front; in this subject beside me is Em, beside her is Aria, then Sam, then Quinn, then beside her is Rachel, then Spencer and in the other end is Hanna.
So in other words, Em and I can talk about stuff about Quinn because Aria and Sam knows about it too. Actually, I didn't tell the three that I love Quinn, they noticed it, I just admitted it to them. At first I was scared, but in the end, I was glad I admitted, because these guys really helped me a lot.
We did various plans on surprising Quinn, like talking to strangers to give her flowers, going to a third floor of a building while holding cardboards so everyone can see how badly we don't want her to go, etc. The seven of us participated actually. But Em, Aria and Sam know a deeper reason why we did it; I did it so I can show Quinn how much effort I can do to make her stay; so I can at least say to myself that I tried. While Rach, Spence and Hanna did it simply because we want her to stay.
"So what now?" Emily started.
"I did my best. I mean, it's her dream, there's nothing more we can do about it. She really wants it." I said trying to hide my sadness, even though I know that Emily will see it anyway.
"You still haven't told her yet. Come on, don't let your love go unexpressed, especially to someone you love most." Emily once again said something deep.
"I don't know Em. I just can't right now."
I sighed too. We both know there's nothing we can do much. Unless I decided to tell her how I feel. But it's just something I can't really do right now. I'm not good enough for her.
I steal a glance at her. I thought of the times I wanted to give up. Everytime I wanted to give up there's something inside me telling me to just give it time. And maybe that's all we need. Maybe she has to go. Maybe we needed to be apart. Maybe I needed this, so I can make sure that this isn't just one of those impersonations of love.
Quinn and Spencer weren't around because of Church activities. Hanna was with her suitor, Caleb while Rachel is practicing for a singing contest. That leaves me, Emily, Aria and Sam. These are the times when we really get to talk about my problems with Q.
"So, you're not going to surprise her or anything anymore?" Aria asked.
I nodded. "I don't think there's much to do. She already prepared her papers. She's all set, she's just waiting for the enrollment."
"Aren't we going out? It's summer vacation, and Quinn is leaving soon. Maybe you can tell her then, if ever we go out." Sam stated.
I sighed. "Do you think I'm really in love with her?" I asked, It's not that I'm not sure of how I feel, it's just that I'm not sure if this is what they call real love.
"Is this still a discussion? Look, infatuation can only hold the mind for a maximum of four months, you've been head-over-heels for Quinn for a year and a half. Which means you're in love." Emily stated.
"Woah. Really, Em? Where did you research that?" Sam asked in amusement.
"Shut up, Sam. We're trying to be serious here." Emily slapped Sam's arm.
"Besides, if what I see now isn't true love, then I don't know what else to call it." Aria added.
I want to tell Quinn that I'm in love with her, when the time comes that I'm more than a hundred percent sure that I really am in love with her. I've never felt this feeling before, not with any boys, and not with any girls. But I can't be sure of what it really is. In this world, there is so much of what looks like love, and sounds like love, but it isn't. It's just people saying and doing what they think they ought to do.
"Okay, say let's say you're not in love with her. Isn't it enough that your feelings for her are special? Isn't it enough for you to take risk that she makes you feel the way she makes you feel? I know you're both girls, and I know that you might not admit it, but it bothers you. Well I'm telling you now. It's not about what you are, it's about what you feel. And if you ask me, she deserves someone like you, and you deserve her." It amazes me, how Emily can say those things. I'm a year older than her but she thinks way more mature than I am. It's like she know the right things to say. And she always makes me think twice about my decisions.
I just smiled then looked down. "It's just hard to tell her. I mean, of all the people, why her? Why someone who's so devoted to her religion. You know how they think, homosexuality is a sin." There, I finally said it. That's why I'm so afraid of telling her, because there is a bigger chance that she will reject me.
"Sometimes, the hardest things are the same as the right things, S." Aria said nonchalantly. Most of the time, me and my friends are crazy, but it amazes me how they suddenly turn into mature people when we talk about problems.
"Love shouldn't be a secret. If you love someone, tell them. You'll always regret it if you don't." Emily added. I was about to say something about how hard it is when she continued, "I know it's hard for, trust me, I know. But if you really love someone, you'll set your fears aside."
"If only I can make her stay."
"It's painful to say goodbye to someone that you don't want to let go. But it's more painful to ask someone to stay if they really want to go." Emily does it again.
Sometimes, it makes me think how Emily knows so much about these things. She never told us anything about her love life. I don't even know if she has one. She never mentioned that she experienced being in love either. But she's got to be in love, or else, where do these words of wisdom comes from?
I hope Quinn can go to our secret place like I asked her. I think I'm ready to tell her now. I've thought about this a lot of times. And I don't think I can let her go without telling her how I feel. I've been practicing on my head over and over what I'm going to say to her, when I felt her hands on my shoulders.
"You seem to be thinking deep."
I chuckled nervously. I tapped the grassed ground, she sat beside me.
"So, what's the matter?" she asked. I don't like this feeling. She doesn't seem to be comfortable. But, I can't back out now.
"I have something really important to tell you." Her smile faded. And it made me a million times more nervous. She kept silent. She doesn't just keep silent when I turn on my serious face. Now, I was having second thoughts again.
"I know, I can't make you stay here. I know, even if I say this to you, I won't be able to change your decision, but I wanted to tell you this. I-" I saw her look at me straight in the eyes. It made me stop talking. I don't know if I'm just imagining things but her eyes looked like it was pleading.
I tried to give her a questioning look, but I didn't get any response. I cleared my throat. I was about to speak again but she cut me off.
"I already know." That's all she said. I waited for more but that's all she said.
"Know what?" It scared the hell out of me. What is she talking about? What does she know? Am I right all along? She pretends to not notice because she doesn't love me yet she doesn't want to ruin our friendship?
She didn't answer. Instead she smiled. But it wasn't the same smile she usually has. All I can hear is silence. I did the best thing I could think of, look at her, pleading for an answer.
"I will always love you. So go easy on yourself." I couldn't believe what she just said. I almost died of happiness. The butterflies in my stomach seemed like flying wildly.
And out of all the words, what I managed to say was "What?"
"Silly. I said I'll always love you. You're always going to be here in my heart. You're my friends." It's like she gave me wings, taught me how to fly, then all of a sudden when we reached the highest peak she cuts off my wings and let me fall to the ground.
I tried to maintain the smile, but it faded.
"Don't tell me you're going to complain about me calling you silly." Quinn said in a feigned annoyed tone.
I wanted to smile but I really can't. I know it was my fault, because I let myself expect too much. But, all my dreams were like, it crashed down. I had the courage but now, I don't know anymore.
"Hey, what's wrong? Sorry if I called you Silly." Quinn said and reached my hand.
I didn't let her touch me though. "Damn, Quinn, why are you so numb?"
Quinn just gave me a confused look.
"Don't you have just even the slightest idea how much you make my heart beat faster just by thinking about you? How could you not notice that I love you?"
She didn't answer. She stood up. But she didn't walk away.
"What, you're going to walk away now?" I didn't want to get mad but I am. I'm mad and hurt. Sure I don't expect a positive answer, maybe I'm hoping, but she didn't even bother to look at me. Is that her answer? Silence?
I stood up, and faced her. "Would you please talk?"
Something pinched me in my heart. She was crying. I didn't know what to do, or how to react. This time, I can't read her, I don't know why she's crying, heck, I don't know what to do. "Quinn?"
She looked at me. She didn't bother wiping her tears that are still streaming down on her face. But still there was no answer. Then she looked away.
"Santana, I know that you love me. I do. And I appreciate all the things that you do for me." She finally spoke. And it lit a little hope in my heart. "And someday I might return the favor of you guys being such good friends." You've got to be kidding me. She is definitely playing dumb right now. I guess I've got my answer. She doesn't love me back.
"I understand." I said coldly. She didn't even had the guts to recognize my feelings for her, and that hurt so badly.
She gave me an apologetic look. "Sometimes you have to put a fake smile on and pretend like it never happened. It's not called giving up, it's called growing up"
"Easy for you to say. You don't know how hard it is; hearing something that absolutely kills you inside and having to act like you don't care." By that, I left. I don't want to cry in front of her. This time, it's not because I'm afraid of being called weak but because I want to convince myself that I can handle being away from her; I can handle this heart-break. I want to convince myself that I'm strong enough turn my back from someone I love so much.
"Easy for you to say. You don't know how hard it is; hearing something that absolutely kills you inside and having to act like you don't care." She said it like venom. I think she hates me right now. I want to tell her that I do; I do know how it feels like.
"I do know how it feels like, Santana; every single time. When you talk about how hot those other girls are, or when you tell stories about how much effort you made for your exes because of how much you love them, I have to make sure my expression is neutral even though I feel jealous inside. Even though secretly I wish you did those sweet things to me instead. Everytime you say cute stuff about me, or say cheesy lines, I have to pretend that I don't feel butterflies in my stomach; I have to pretend that my heart doesn't flutter so hard…And the worst part is I have to pretend that I don't love you back as much as you love me." I wish she could hear all of this. I wish I have the courage to tell her how much I love her too, but I can't. I'm not as strong as she is. I can't tell her yet, not until I'm ready to face the world and tell all the people in it how much I love her.
I'm not ready to face my parents and tell them that I'm in love with a girl. I can't handle seeing them disappointed and disgusted because I fell in love. I'm afraid that people will judge me for being me. I have to learn to be strong first, and when that day comes, I hope she still loves me back.
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This was inspired from real life. Just thought it'd be interesting.
Hope you like it...