Title: Pirates at the Lake
Theme: Talk Like A Pirate Day
Category: Humor, Romance

Season: post SGU
Spoilers: none
Pairing: S/J

Summary: Jack is shocked to find himself surrounded by pirates on his own lake when he takes Sam with him to the cabin…
Rating: K+
Warnings: none

Disclaimer: see profile
Acknowledgments: MyNameIsJeffNImLost for bringin' the day to me attention an' requestin' a ficlet for it. A Karswyll for being me sounding board as usual. Many thanks, arr!


Jack "Captain" O'Neill glared at that bilge rat Kinsey, wishin' the bosun hadn't tied him up this good. Then he be showin' him how buccaneers use that sweet cat o'nine tails, make 'em kiss the gunner's daughter to get a taste o' the cat! "Untie me, ye scurvy dogs an' I'll show ye some swashbucklin'!"

"The only way anyone is going to untie you, O'Neill, is when I give my men the order to hang you in the name of God and the Crown! See if you put up more of a struggle with that noose round your neck than your crew did," Admiral Kinsey sneered.

"Ye bilge-sucking poxy squiffy, I'll have your lights an' liver!"

"You filthy pirate. Good riddance!" Kinsey smirked, not in the least insulted.

"We prefer gentlemen o' fortune."

"Finally, after all these years the great Captain Jack O'Neill will be hanged by my hand! You have terrorized the seas long enough. The Crown will be pleased to learn of your demise and reward me handsomely."

"Admiral! A boat, I see a boat ahead!"

Kinsey grabbed the spyglass an' started shoutin' orders at the lookout's shout. "It appears to be a young lady!" He turned back to Jack. "No doubt you or one of your kind pillaged the poor woman's ship and now she's stranded at sea! You," he grabbed one o' his men by the collar, "help the damsel in distress aboard safely and someone untie that rotten pirate and move him to below decks. No lady should be in the same presence as such a repugnant creature, especially not after her no doubt traumatic experience!"

"And ye wonder why ye get looted," Jack muttered as the bosun untied him from the mast. He struggled against the move, wantin' to see what so-called lady be hornswagglin' the good Admiral an' his crew. When Kinsey took a few steps backwards, adjustin' his monkey jacket they were standing nearly next to each other. Peerin' down at the water, Jack whistled in surprise. "Aye, a buxom beauty, all alone in that jollyboat. Sink me!"

"Get that scoundrel out of sight!" Kinsey exclaimed angrily.

Jack could see the wench helped aboard by the Admiral after climbin' Jacob's ladder as the bosun pulled him abaft. She was playin' her role well an' the scallywag was fallin' for it perfectly. Suddenly the lookout started shoutin' again.

"Sail ho! I see a ship!"

"Well, blow me down," Jack muttered, unsurprised an' curiously eyed the lil' lady to see what was next.

"What?!" Kinsey roared, steppin' in front o' the wench an' towards the fo'c's'le to get a better look at the new ship comin' starboard with his spyglass. "Pirates! Man the guns-"

The lass' cape parted an' revealed a slender arm with a shiny cutlass in hand. "Ye belay that order, Admiral! That'd be me ship! Now, release Cap'n O'Neill or I'll slit yer throat an' yer men be shark bait!"

Jack grinned at the wench, shakin' off the bosun's hands an' makin' his way up to his savior. Knee-high boots, black leather pants an' a frilly white blouse with long sleeves fallin' off her shoulders, showin' an unblemished alabaster throat, elegant collarbones an' the creamy skin o' the swell o' her breasts; she really was a beauty. "Shiver me timbers!"

"Cap'n Jack," she nodded at him with wide blue eyes.

"I appreciate the rescue, lassie." He smirked at the fire in her eyes, silently wonderin' who she was an' why she be doin' this. "Ye should make 'em dance the hempen jig."

Kinsey's eyes nearly fell out o' their sockets at the threat o' bein' hanged an' he started splutterin'. "You cannot do this! The Crown will hunt you down and make you pay, little missy! God does not take murder lightly!"

"Ye may consider this a parley," the saucy wench said. "Me men will board yer ship an' if ye let Cap'n O'Neill an' myself leave there's no reason for me men to kill yer sprogs."

"What about the Admiral's swag?" Jack questioned, thinkin' o' all the treasures the scallyway had stolen from his furner before makin' his men dance the Jack ketch.

Beauty turned to him, disapproval on her pretty lil' face. "Ye be grateful for me savin' yer life, addlepate!"

"It's not savin' if the Admiral tells the crown be placin' a black spot on us!" Jack complained, although he liked her spirit. "Send 'em to Davy Jones' locker; dead men tell no tales. Or are ye too lily-livered for that, me proud beauty?"

"Begad," she muttered, rollin' her eyes. "Maybe I should be leavin' ye here with these cowardly swabs so ye be going to Fiddler's Green."

"Bilge!" Jack exclaimed, "ye lil' wench."

Blue Eyes grinned an' indicated for him to tie the Admiral an' his crew up while she went to starboard. "Sail ho!" She pushed the sprogs aside an' cleared enough room for her own crew to board the swaggy. "Avast ye! Handsomely now, men!"

He staggered a bit when the ships made contact but was impressed with his Beauty's skills as he continued to tie up Kinsey's crew. Lil' scoundrels, all o' 'em. They had taken great pleasure in floggin' him an' his mateys before hangin' the poor lads an' takin' bets on how long it be takin' them to kick the bucket. Now they were at the mercy o' Blue Eyes an' hopefully he be convincin' her to let him take revenge.

Then a familiar voice sounded behind him.

"Ahoy, Cap'n! Apologies for the delay, one o' the lads was loaded to the Gunwales an' Teal'c had to flog the sailor to smarten up the recalcitrant lil' bastard."

Lookin' over his shoulder Jack was surprised to see one o' her crew standin' next to her while the others took to the prisoners an' below decks. "Daniel, ye dog!"

The young man grinned an' hugged his unresponsive an' displeased wench before saunterin' o'er to him. "By the Powers, Cap'n Jack! Me heard ye were in trouble an' figured I owed ye one! We weren't sure ye'd still be alive or fish food."

"Ye pulled this off?"

Daniel blushed an' pointed back towards the saucy wench. "Aye, me an' Cap'n Carter."

"Cap'n Carter?" Jack questioned, striding over to the beauty. She had her hat in hand, long blond locks tumblin' down her shoulders. "Blow me down! Ye are Cursed Carter!"

"Aye, aye," she smiled an' winked. "Time to be leavin'. Ye be comin' with me an' Daniel to me ship, while the lads take the Admiral's swag an' follow us."

"Ye got yourself a sweet furner," he nodded at the ship. "What are ye plans with Kinsey an' his men?"

Cursed Carter shrugged an' beckoned her bosun. "Feed 'em to the fish. No quarter!"

"Aye, aye Cap'n."

"Make 'em walk the plank," Jack added menacingly. There be no wastin' time today an' they needed to leave, otherwise he be introducin' the Admiral to the rope's end himself.

Sparin' him a glance Carter nodded. "Keelhaul Kinsey."

"Ye got guts, me beauty," Jack told her, earnin' a glare in return.

"No one has e'er called me faint o' heart an' lived to tell about it."

Daniel poked him in the ribs as he watched the lass jump aboard her furner. "C'mon bucko, ye better not piss off Cap'n Carter." Then he turned around an' signaled the bosun on the former Royal Navy ship. "Raise the Jolly Roger before ye set off. Fair winds!"

Jack joined her on the ship an' followed her around like a lil' lost puppy, duly impressed by this gutsy lil' lady. She introduced him to her men an' showed him around. "Yer crew seems to respect ye."

"They better," she said, offerin' him some grub an' ploppin' down on a chair next to him. "Daniel may be the son o' a biscuit eater but he's loyal an' knows I be givin' him a taste o' the cat if he disrespects me."

"What about that Teal'c? He's a bit o' a rum fellow, ain't he?"

Blue Eyes smiled at him an' beckoned over the cockswain. "He may be peculiar but he knows honor an' is one o' the best corsairs I've worked with." She turned to her attendant an' threw her pretty locks back. "Splice the mainbrace!"

A loud cheerin' sounded from the hands an' Jack found himself relaxin' in the company o' this beauty, in spite o' her reputation. "I did not believe the tales o' a fair-haired angel with blue eyes roaming the seas, pillaging ships an' sendin' blackguards to the bottom o' the ocean. Tell me, me beauty, is there any truth in that curse o' yours?"

"Aye, that depends on what ye've heard, Cap'n Jack."

Daniel placed a couple o' grogs in front o' them. "Cap'n Carter leaves a trail o' dead lovers an' cursin' enemies behind her furn!"

"Aye, aye!" The rest o' the crew shouted, raisin' their cups.

"Ye see, Cap'n Jack, ye better not be tryin' to drop yer anchor in me lagoon," Cursed Carter told him with twinkling eyes.

"Avast, ye saved me from bein' hanged so I'll try me chances," Jack told her, wrapping an arm around her small waist an' leanin' in to kiss those pretty lil' lips o' hers. "Perhaps Kinsey really did kill me an' this is me Fiddler's Green with me own angel…"

Slowly opening his eyes, Jack blinked against the bright daylight. The sound of the ocean… er, lake lapping against the boat was all he could hear. And then a soft giggle sounded. Groaning he sat up and tried to keep his balance in the small boat. Then he remembered; after finally managing to get some time off together he'd taken Carter with him to the cabin and today he had persuaded her to go out onto the lake with him. "Carter? I'm sorry I fell asleep, I didn't mean to-"

"Arr! Look at me booty, Cap'n Jack!" She said excitedly, shoving the cooler under his nose. There was a large fish swimming in it and she looked extremely proud of her catch.

"Carter?"

"Aye, Sir?"

He groaned and reached out to shake her – pleasantly bare – shoulders. "Will you please stop talking like that?!

"Avast me hearty, it's Talk Like a Pirate Day!" She protested, seeming genuinely upset at his lack of appreciation of her efforts.

"But I just had the weirdest dream…"

"Did I not warn ye about watchin' those darn pirate movies last night?"

"You know, you would be a lot more convincing if you dressed the part…" Jack said slowly, realizing she wasn't going to stop any time soon. "In my dream you were wearing the sweetest lil' outfit and you looked so hot!"

Grinning, Carter climbed on his lap and rearranged her short skirt to be more comfortable. "Aye, Cap'n?"

"Oh yeah," he nodded, sliding his hands up her thighs.

She reached out to pull her tube top thingy off and shifted her position slightly, smiling triumphantly when she felt his body's response. "Is that a hornpipe in yer pocket or are ye just happy to see me, Cap'n Jack?"

"Definitely the latter, Sam," he groaned, wrapping his arms around her to lay her down on her back. "Now, prepare to be boarded, me beauty!"


A/N: Avast, me hearties! I have me no beta an' any mistakes are me own. Feedback an' or doubloons are me only payment, so if ye don't pay me I be going on account an' be pillagin' yer swaggy. I be takin' no quarter but ye can choose to meet the hempen halter or walk the plank! Fair winds!