It had been about ten minutes since Soldier and Pyro went out to retrieve the mail, and the other mercenaries were starting to get impatient.
"Considering their combined intelligence," Spy remarked, "I'd be surprised if they're not dead by now."
"Come on, Spy, have a little faith," Engineer advised, "Sure, they ain't the brightest, but they get stuff done. Why, I'm willing to bet they'll be walking through the door right now."
"Actually, we've been here for the past three minutes."
Everyone turned toward the voice and saw Soldier standing next to Heavy's chair, with Pyro trying to shake him awake. "We got the mail, too," he said, laying it out on the table.
Scout quickly grabbed one of the letters and skimmed through it. "Oh, hey, it's the weekly civil complaints! Man, I love reading these; these people are so stupid. Like this guy!" He shoved the letter in Spy's face. "He spelled 'vandalism' wrong. What a moron!"
Spy carefully took the paper from Scout's hand and read it over. "Uh, actually, that is the correct spelling."
Scout squinted at the paper. "…But, isn't there supposed to be a 'Y' in it?"
Spy shook his head.
"…Dammit, I'M the moron!"
"Glad to hear you've accepted it, son," Soldier remarked, "Now someone help us wake up Heavy! We need him to catch our new target dummy!"
"Catch it?" Sniper asked, "What, did it get up and walk away?"
"After trying to kill us, yes."
Suddenly, Heavy woke up and sent his fist flying into Pyro's face, screaming. "Stalingrad is under attack!" The others just stared at him, confused and a little shaken. He cleared his throat. "It was, uh…traumatic experience."
"You haven't had any traumatic experiences involving lions, have you?" Soldier asked. Before Heavy could respond, Soldier grabbed him by the hand and bolted outside, the others following suit, both confused and curious. However, when they reached the spot where the lion escaped the crate, he was nowhere to be found. Soldier turned to Pyro, fuming. "Pyro! I told you to watch him!" Pyro mumbled something defensively, and Soldier seemed to get angrier. "What do you mean he told you to run!? You follow MY orders, not those of a stupid overgrown cat!"
Spy stepped forward and cleared his throat. "I…hate to interrupt Moron Stupidity Theater Three-Thousand, but, what the hell are you two going on about?"
Suddenly, a loud roar sounded throughout the desert, making the entire team jump and reach for their weapons.
"That!" Soldier shouted, taking a step and pointing in the direction of the sound. "That, gentleman, is our new target dummy! You've got him cornered, Heavy! Go get him!" Before Heavy could react, however, he was pounced on by the lion from behind, the rest of the team jumping yet again. Soldier turned around, confused, when he saw Heavy and the lion ducking it out on the ground. "Oh. Well, you still got him right where we want him! Now finish him off!"
After a few minutes of sparring, Heavy finally threw the lion off, who quickly recovered and glared at the large, Russian man. "You are no match for me," he spat, "I will rip off your hide, tear out your eyeballs, and gut you with own claws."
The lion recoiled in surprise, and cleared his throat. "Are…you opposed to a truce?" Heavy's jaw dropped, as did the rest of the team's. The lion simply stared at them, confused. "Uh, was it something I sai-"
He didn't get to finish his sentence, as Soldier knocked him out from behind with his shovel. "The power of America compels you, demon!" he shouted. The others slowly gathered around the fallen beast, not sure what to make of the situation.