Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who. If I did, River wouldn't be stuck in a computer. She'd be out with the Doctor shooting his hats and helping him save the world.
a/n: (feel free to skip my useless ramblings) Sleep. SLEEP! Meh. Sleep is for wimps. This fic was born out of a sleepless conversation with my friend, Stacy in which I was disappointed with her for using cookie mix to make cookies because I'm a die hard baker from scratch. It's basically pointless, shameless fluff and cuteness. So grab a cookie and a cup of tea, get comfortable, and enjoy! ;)
River walked into the TARDIS kitchen to get herself a glass of water. She'd just finished a morning in the shooting range, and was ready to spend the afternoon pestering the Doctor to go somewhere exciting. He'd been strangely domestic of late. Or had been trying to be. She'd found him folding the clothes on Thursday, cleaning the console yesterday, and this morning he'd been rummaging around in the kitchen. It was here that she found him. How long had he been here?
He was muttering in irritated Gallifreyan, trying to sonic a bag of cookie mix.
River blinked, "Sweetie, what are you doing?"
"This bloody bag won't open!" He huffed, gesturing to the package.
River frowned as she filled her glass, "What are you doing with cookie mix anyway?"
"You don't bake cookies with cookie mix, my love." In her experience, she'd always done it from scratch.
He blinked. The humans seemed to use pre-made dough or cookie mix. At least, that's what he heard from Amy. "What do you bake it with?"
"If you're going to make cookies, Doctor, at least do it from scratch," River laughed, walking over to straighten his bowtie.
The Doctor's eyes widened and he gulped, "From scratch? River, I don't think you understand… I can't- I just can't bake- I can't even hardly be in the kitchen. I mean, One, Me and the kitchen are allergic to each other. Bad things happen when I'm in a kitchen…" He paused and blinked, "Unless I'm making omelets. Omelets for some odd reason like me. I can do omelets…" He trailed off again, momentarily forgetting where he was going with that until he remembered and started up again with a vengeance, "Two, I don't know the difference between a spoon and a knife. I mean, spoons are pointy and knives are the round ones, and I don't get it. People are always running around with knives, but what's a round thing got to do with stabbing? I mean, I suppose you can carve somebody's heart out with it or something, but that would be kind of counter-intuitive, I mean, why not use a spoon? No, Knife…spoon, knife…spoon, gah! Which one's the pointy one?!"
"The knife's the pointy one, Doctor," River was quickly becoming more and more bemused as he continued to rant.
"Right, four, we're at four now, right?" He paused to think and take a breath, "yes…wait… no what was three? Did I skip three? Oh, dear, Um, three, there is a three, give me a minute, Three, three, threeee," He drummed his fingers on the counter as he tried to dredge 'three' up from the recesses of his rather confusing mind. He then waved it off, "Ah, forget three, I hate three, three is a stupid number. Let's just skip to four. Four, The Oven. Not. Yeah, no, not good, at all, it's like asking a pig to play the violin, pigs don't have thumbs! Wait, you don't need thumbs to play the violin… but that's beside the point. The point is, it would be a disaster!" He began to pace as River leaned against the counter casually, "It's like Gallifrey, blowing up all over again! I could just go in the TARDIS to the cookie planet, very nice planet, made of cookies, and buy some cookies! But nooo, I bought cookie mix! Cookie mix, River! It's a lovely thing! It's like a cookie, only a mix! It's like dough, only dry! It's like making it from scratch, but with the stuff already measured out and with directions! There's less steps for me to bumble!" He then deflated slightly, "I'm just- I'm completely useless, I can't do it, I think the TARDIS would agree, wouldn't you old girl? Hm? I wanted to just be a husband, you know, now that we're married, and do nice things for you, like bake you cookies. But since I'm useless at that I thought the mix would be a good idea…but I can't get the bag open and…"
River interrupted him by picking up the bag and opening it at the quite obvious 'tear here' place. She handed it to him and smiled, "We can do this one together, hm?"
His mouth closed and he nodded, "It'd probably take two of us anyway… Do I get to lick the knife?" He gestured to the spoon sitting in the bowl.
"It's the spoon, sweetie. The spoon."
"Oh." He blinked.
River just laughed and nodded, "You can lick the spoon." She then ran over to grab the mixer the TARDIS had provided.
An hour later, the kitchen was covered in flour and swirling with the scent of freshly baked cookies, River kissed a chocolate smudge of the Doctor's nose as he bit in to a misshapen chocolate chip cookie and wiped a bit of cookie mix out of her hair.
Yeah, cookie mix was definitely a marvelous idea.