Hey everybody. It's your favourite penguin lover here writing another ridiculous crackfic on Death Note because I think it's overly dramatic and stuff.
And thanks to those who read my other crack Death Note fic, Fangirl Letters. That was just a result of my after-shower hype, hehe. Now this is a result of being hyper and wondering what would happen if somebody asked L that all-important question fangirls everywhere want to know the answer to.
Plus, I think as a warning I should tell you that I am, in fact, a mega fan of Matsuda.
You don't need to read Fangirl letters to get this, but if wanna have a good laugh I recommend you do
Enjoy, and dare to be different :)
The Kira task force were on their way to L's room. All the officers were tense and serious as they entered the hotel. Mr. Yagami had taken out a handkerchief to wipe the nervous sweat on his face.
"So, are we going to ask him?" he asked his colleagues.
They all gave a murmur in response, each rather disgruntled. They were curious to know the world's greatest detective's answer, but none of them were too excited in asking the question.
"Who's going to ask him?" Matsuda asked.
The Task Force all exchanged knowing glances before Light spoke up. "Uh, you are."
His bright eyes widened in surprise. "Wha…why me?" he protested.
"You were the one who brought up with the question in the first place," Mr. Yagami pointed out to his cute co-worker. "And, you are the one with the biggest mouth."
Matsuda was going to shoot a retort but then realised the truth within his boss's words. After a thoughtful silence, he spoke up again. "Well, why doesn't Light do it? It's obvious L likes him more."
Light smirked. "Why Matsuda, are you scared of L?"
The policeman scoffed, trying his best to cover up the fact that L did in fact spook him a bit. "Of course not."
"Matsuda," Mr. Yagami said meaningfully. It was evident that not just him, but the entire Task Force could see through his act.
He sighed. "Okay, so he creeps me out just a bit. But can you blame me?"
Light chuckled. "Relax, it's not like he's Kira."
Behind him Ryuk laughed as well, but of course the rest of the Task Force were completely oblivious to the Shinigami. Light, however, was quite annoyed.
Matsuda squirmed in his shoes. "But he does have this way of staring at you that would make you think that if we weren't working alongside him, he might be Kira."
They all agreed, and by this time they were at his door.
"So, Light can ask him, right?" the cute policeman asked, hopefully.
The young Task Force member patted Matsuda on the back lightly. "Sorry, the question was sent from your fangirl to your e-mail afterall." The same fangirl, in fact, that had sent Matsuda a crazy fan letter via e-mail the week before. "She did say she wanted you to ask him as well. Would you want to disappoint her that way?"
The silky haired man gave him an astonished stare. "How could you say that when you were there last week when she last sent me a letter."
After finding out that he had an obsessive fifteen year old stalker who knew everything about him, Matsuda thought that he wasn't worried about disappointing her.
Light smirked. "I don't know, Matsuda. I just think that you should consider what this girl is capable of, considering what she's done already. I'm just trying to be a good friend worrying about your wellbeing is all."
He cursed under his breath. That hadn't crossed his mind at all, and he knew that he couldn't protest now. He was cornered.
placed his hand on the door handle. "Well, now that we've got that sorted, Matsuda I hope you do as we have instructed. And…good luck." He hesitated for a while before finally saying, "Something tells me you're going to need it."
"Oh yeah, because that's comforting," he muttered when the door opened.
The Task Force found L seated in his usual seat stirring what Matsuda learnt to assume was tea. He couldn't help but cringe at the thought of how many sugar cubes the detective had put in already as he put in two more.
"Ah, welcome," he said in his usual monotonous tone, never looking up from his cup. It was a wonder how he never got so hyped up on the sugar he ate.
The Task Force muttered some things in reply, taking their seats around the table.
L carried on stirring. "I sense some tension in the room."
Matsuda could feel sweat beginning to roll down his gorgeous face as he inhaled nervously. After a few seconds of silence, Mr. Yagami elbowed him in the side and it took all his strength to not yell out in pain.
"Umm, L?" he said gingerly.
"May I, uh, ask you something?" he said.
"That depends on what the question is," the detective replied, still stirring.
Matsuda was very aware of the eyes on him in the room, and was glad that L hadn't looked up once. "It's not actually something I came up with, I was requested to ask you by my, uh, stalker."
"And you're curious to know the answer, am I correct?" L asked.
"Well, uh, yeah."
An awkward silence followed and Mr. Yagami had to elbow Matsuda again to get him to start talking. "Do you eat anything besides sugary things? Like really? And how can you stay so calm and collected when eat so many sweets?"
The stirring noise stopped and L looked up to give Matsuda a blank stare. All of a sudden the young officer felt incredibly small under his gaze and wished that he had never brought the question up at work that day.
"Those were two questions," L finally said.
"Are you going to answer them?" Matsuda asked. "Because my fangirl-"
"Stalker," Ryuk coughed and Light smirked.
"-did have a few, uh, interesting theories on the matter."
L sighed heavily and set his teaspoon down. "I would love to know said theories."
Matsuda sweat dropped anime style and cursed again for saying that. "Trust me, you don't."
"But I do," L replied, sipping his…uh…tea? The world's greatest detective gaze him a steady gaze and Matsuda bit his lip.
"I'd rather show you," he finally said, handing him his phone. The entire Task Force stood up to look at the e-mail themselves because they hadn't seen the original themselves and they were all rather curious.
MATSU-CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! It's me again :p you know, the fangirl? What am I saying, of course you do! I've been emailing you for the past week!
Okay, so believe it or not I'm not writing to declare my love for you, but you know I do! Plus, again, you're SEXY!
No, no, okay I must not get distracted by your sexiness and be totally serious…you have no idea how difficult that is :/
Okay, now that I've found focus (somewhat?) I need to ask you something really important. Like it's life or death. Like, your life depends on it :D
Does L eat anything besides sweets? Like, does he know the kind of damage it does to his body? And how is he so chilled? Why doesn't he ever have a sugar high?
Come on, you've gotta admit that's weird.
But, I do have a few 'theories' on the matter XD All of which are BRILLIANT if I do say so myself!
Theory numero uno: he's an alien.
This is fullproof. The evidence is all there! Gravity defying hair, weird sleeping patterns and the fact that he can consume that many sugary substances without puking! That's inhuman! And if it's inhuman then it can only be one thing. ALIEN!
Tell me I'm wrong.
Theory number two: he's some kind of sugar powered android…
Nobody, NOBODY, is capable of such genius. I mean, let's be honest. It's so obviously artificial intelligence. I mean "I'm 5% sure Light's Kira"? Who says that in percentage? If he was some kind of robot it would make WAY more sense. Just saying.
And he like never sleeps, or…charges I guess? I don't know, but this mainly shows that he is totally some kind of robot. But do robots get bags under their eyes? Hmm, maybe.
And listen to this. How can he eat so much sugar and not get fat? He hardly ever gets up! Just saying. It's like every girl's dream to be able to do such DX ITS JUST NOT NORMAL!
And he kicks ASS. Look at how he kicked LIGHT's ass so easily! Offense was totally intentional, Light :(
Like, if you look at it logically with the way he consumes so much sugar, he'd be so fat that his favourite seat would be too small for him.
In short, he'd have to get a bigger chair.
I just don't get L fangirls! It makes no DAMN SENSE! (A/N: so sorry, L fangirls if I offended you by saying that DX)
HE HAS NO EYEBROWS, which is another full proof reason that he's not human. What normal person doesn't have such?
Yeah, those are my theories. The gist of which is, he's not human…
Whoops, looks like I went slightly off track for a minute there…hehe.
So, will you please ask L, Matsu-chan? You know, if he consumes anything more than just sweets and why the hell he doesn't get a sugar high?
In return, I'll stop following you around for the next three days XD deal?
Matsuda put his phone in his pocket when L had given it back to him.
"Your fangirl is quite…eccentric," he said monotonously.
The young officer shrugged, figuring he would have used a much stronger word. "I'm quite curious to know the answer to her question." He paused before adding. "In addition to the fact that it would be good to know that she isn't going to stalk me for a while, even if it is just three days."
L sighed, sitting the way he normally sat. "Sweets keep me awake, which increases my deduction skills considerably well. My body is quite accustomed to it."
There was silence in the apartment for a while before Matsua blurted, "That's it? Seriously?"
"Why? Did I disappoint you?" L asked.
"Not me," he said. Hell, Matsuda was relieved that L wasn't, in fact, alien. "I'm afraid of what she'll do if it's that normal."
Light rolled his eyes. "What, like she's gonna rape you?"
Matsuda shook his head at Light's offensive sarcastic nature. "She's already installed a tracker on me, I'm scared to think of what else she's capable of."
All our favourite sexy beast knew was that he was gonna be in hell when he replied to his fangirl.
I know, not as crazy as the previous one, but don't kill me for it! I was lacking crackyness today.
If you have another insane idea for a Matsuda crazy fangirl fanfiction, don't hesitate to PM me. I've decided that all I shall do for Death Note for now is crack fics since the show is lacking random absurdity, and also it helps me when I'm stressed.
Until next time, my dear worshippers! HAHAHAHAHAHA