Fifty Shades Reality
It was a Saturday I think when I stumbled into his office still drunk from the night before. My inner goddess screamed at me ''why did you have that third bottle of wine and those jager bombs?!'' my breath stank of puke and I had chunks in my curls.
Keep calm I thought, at least I had brushed the kebab salad from my hair although I'm not sure where the rest of the kebab went.
Anyway, I had an important meeting to attend. There he was, his jeans hanging off his hips…Oh my!
His beer belly was pushing his jeans down low, my inner goddess was giggling.
After a few embarrassing questions, he asked me on a date. ''Get in!'' I thought and off we trotted to wetherspoons. He's such a charmer. ''I've definitely hit the jackpot here'' I said with mayo dripping down my chin from my burger.
Oh my, I think I'm a little bit wet but then I realise I've missed my mouth completely and my pint is sloshing around in my pants.
We carried on our hot date, he stared up at me with those steel grey eyes, I hope he doesn't know I stole all the sauce sachets from the basket on the table. My inner goddess shook her head at me. ''Keep nose out!'' I thought. ''Would you like another drink?'' he asks FOOLISHLY. Already I could tell he didn't know me very well. ''I'll just have a bottle of pinot please and none of that single serve crap either'' I said.
The night ended well and we went back to his bachelor pad littered with beer cans and over flowing ash trays. In the middle of the room stood a huge electric keyboard and he showed me his finest rendition of chopsticks. It was awe inspiring. We headed to the bedroom, when I felt his hands down there I knew today would have been a good day to get the garden shears out.
There were pictures on all the walls like a gallery, cars, page three girls and the masterpiece the Pamela Anderson. I was in awe of his excellent taste. This guy had it all, charm, charisma and Boney M playing through his I-Pod. What's a girl to do next?
I woke in a haze the next day, ''Where am I?'' I said to myself, then I felt the familiar stab in my back and I rolled over to his delicious scent, morning breath mixed with BO. ''I could bottle this'' I thought.
I was hungry, Christopher insisted I go and make breakfast. Eager to impress I rifled through his cupboards ''stop snooping'' my inner goddess whispered, ''shut your face!'' I hissed back. Honestly, can't have a minute!
I finally trayed up the breakfast to impress, weetabix with a sprinkling or wetherspoons sugar on it for extra stamina and a red label tea (not that English breakfast tea!) ''god I'm good'' I chuckled as I waltzed back into the bedroom.
He enjoyed his breakfast so much he insisted on taking me out for the day. His car was amazing, a half red half blue ford fiesta. He strapped me in to the booster seat and I was smiling from ear to ear about my impending trip to skeggy. I was like the cat that got the cream until I looked down and gasped in horror ''oh no my camel toe!'' I shuffled awkwardly in my seat to hide my camel toe but it was no use. Then I had an idea, the penny jar we had brought with us for the slot machines. I sat it on my knee, close to my tummy, there camel toe gone! ''Would you like to watch me on the car racing games when we get there?'' he asked. I bit my lip in anticipation , the ache and whirling in my tummy to intense to ignore anymore, that was it….I puked on my lap…Car sickness, it's always been a fault of mine.
The day was fun and we went back to his (again) ''did you enjoy the machines?'' he asked, ''oooh yes'' I replied. He clasped my hand and led me to a locked room. My mind was racing. ''why is it locked?'' my inner goddess screamed sounding alarm bells in my head. I could feel my heart thrumming in my chest as he turned the key with sweat dripping down his perfectly groomed face. My eyes lit up and I gasped in horror. ''What are these things?'' I cried, ''this is a dyson, and this furry fluffy thing udes for tickling is a feather duster'' he replied. Oh my! I gazed in bewilderment.
His grey eyes narrowed and his mouth in in hard line. ''First I need you to read this'' he said handing me a document. It was a contract, he wanted me to be his Dom as in Domestic help. What would I do? I wanted this man, I read on…