Super A/N: don't mind me, i'm just cleaning up HFJ since i feel certain stories in it should be on their own again :3
A/N: I just spent seven hours straight typing this up, after already being up for at least 24hrs... so somebody better enjoy this touch of crack my sleep deprived mind finally managed to get out... i've honestly had this crack-ish idea since i read chapter 369 of the manga, my official favorite chapter of all of Bleach just for that downright E-V-I-L look SoiFong gives on the last page... if you haven't read it, do so now... and you'll understand the name of this little one-shot that much more...
Dis: 'titty' kubo own's all'a this... -munches popcorn- i just wrote it...
edit: i got sleep, now editing... and btw, the reason i spell SoiFong's name like that is not a typo, i spell it that way cause the first time i read her name in a translation, that's how they spelled it, and i don't know about the rest of you, but i definitively hear a silent 'g' at the end of her name... like the 'p' in psychology...
Another reason to hate him…
It was a normal day.
SoiFong woke up before dawn, as usual, rolled out under the comforter for a few seconds before the nagging feeling of being 'awake' forced her up. She sat up straight, glared at the katana hanging on the wall across from her bed before throwing the comforter over the side of the bed and rolled out of it on to her feet.
"I'm up, I'm up," she said to no one in particular, or at least that's what anyone would think. Suzumebachi was hanging in its sheath on the wall and like every morning was eager to start the day and get to work. The konoichi was not. –Every… freakin'… morning…-
The tired konoichi yawned deeply while scratching her head, she was sure that if anyone saw her morning routine they'd have an epileptic seizure. –SoiFong, captain of second squad and the Onmitsukido corps, super assassin extraordinaire... completely lazy when getting up and totally not a morning person…- she yawned again for good measure before getting a twinge in the back of her mind that said Suzumebachi was not amused. She waved at the katana hanging on her wall while walking towards her private bathroom, "I'm going, I'm going… can't have five minutes to wake up," she yawned again.
Thirteen minutes later had the woman walking back into her room, dressed in her commander's outfit, completely awake and ready to get the day going. She grabbed the haori slung over a chair, and after putting it on and fastening it with her yellow 'belt' stepped in front of her sword hanging on the wall. Her dark eyes just narrowed at the blade a moment, it was rather excited today, and she wanted to know why. She crossed her arms and scowled at the blade, "Knowing you, you won't say will you?"
The blade was silent, of course.
The captain of second squad took a deep breath, letting it out through her nose, and gave the sword one last small glare for waking her up so damn early every morning, before her hand reached out and grabbed the sheath and fastened it in it proper place on her back.
And Captain Soifong was ready for the day…
How she wished she could have just stayed home and slept in today…
It was noon, and as per usual, Captain SoiFong was just making it to her squad barracks after spending the morning exercising and practicing various forms of Hakudo, Kido, and whatever else her damnable 'busy bee' sword determined she needed to do today.
-Just one day… one day! Is that too much to ask to be lazy for one day?- She got the feeling Suzumebachi was shaking its head 'no' in the back of her head. At least she got an answer this time.
The konoichi shook her head as she walked into the barracks. –I just need to get in, stamp a few sheets of paper, call in a few assassination teams, review the work in the 'maggots nest', ensure all hunts and training are going according to plan, make sure all 'hits' are in…- while the dark haired woman was listing off the various tasks needed to do before she could 'leave' today, she suddenly got the strange feeling that she was being watched. Taking a moment to stop, and look around, she saw no one. –O-okay?- She continued further into the complex.
-Damnit, I have that captain's meeting later today… and that means I have to make sure Oomadea is up on the Lieutenant's meeting…- again that ground-in ninja sixth sense kicked in that she was being watched. She paused for a moment, sensing out the normal reitsu of her squad-mates. –O-o-okay…- She glanced behind her shoulder, and seeing nothing, continued down the hall.
Then there was something Captain SoiFong never thought she'd hear in the middle of her second squad barracks. –Is that 'giggling'?- using amazing ninja-powers the captain of second squad disappeared, only to reappear on her barracks' roof, overlooking three no-seat members of her squad. The three of them were giggling at something one was holding.
SoiFong was not amused.
"If you have time to be 'giggling' over something useless, then spend it training!" she said from the roof, officially scaring the hell out of the 'minor' members of her squad.
"S-Soifong-Taichou!" the three immediately bowed low and started cowering in her presence.
SoiFong smirked the slightest bit. –There's just something so satisfying about scaring the pants off of people with just a few words- the decidedly 'eviler' side of the konoichi was certainly loving the fear coming from these rookies. But she had an image to keep up, and enjoying her team's suffering wasn't something she needed to be showing right now, besides Suzumebachi was getting antsy again about her not getting her work done. –Fucking bee…-
"You heard me, get back to work!" the reaction was immediate, the second she finished speaking they disappeared. She supposed if she were any other captain she'd take some small amount of pride in the idea of how efficient her team was, but she was SoiFong, and she'd been up since before the crack of dawn because her sword was a workaholic. –I need some tea… now…- and with that thought SoiFong disappeared from the roof.
She never even noticed the magazine those rookies had dropped, for if she did…
Well, let's just say hell would have broken loose sooner…
Oomadea was leaning back in his chair, giggling over a 'certain' magazine.
"Oomadea, tea, now!" SoiFong walked into her office, looking about as pissed as usual, she slumped over to her desk, not even looking at her second-in-command, before dropping like a stone into her chair and glaring at the paperwork in front of her.
It took her all of fifteen seconds to realize she had yet to get her tea.
The woman's dark eyes raised from her desktop and narrowed on her lieutenant, who was somehow managing to stuff his face, sign his paperwork, AND read a magazine at the same time.
The konoichi was not amused.
"Oomadea," the fat man didn't move, he simply grabbed some chip and put in his mouth, "Oomadea," this time he signed some paper before taking a moment to giggle at whatever he was reading. Soifong's eyes narrowed even more, "Oomadea, if you don't get my tea in the next 3 seconds…"
At that moment he happened to giggle, cutting her off.
The next second found Suzumebachi impaling the space on Oomadea's desk, about five inches from his face. The blade had happened to neatly slice the magazine the fat man was reading in half and come very close to making him loose his 'family jewels'. The man blinked, gulped, then jumped up waving his hands in his defense, "S-s-s-s-s-SoiFong-T-t-t-Taichou!" he seemed to glance at the papers in his hand and quickly threw his hands behind his back.
He was severely lucky SoiFong didn't give a damn about what he was reading.
"Tea, now," her voice was low and crisp, and the look in her eyes could kill in less than thirty seconds flat.
"Hai, Taichou!" the fat man immediately saluted the smaller woman before turning heel and running out of the room. He seemed to completely forget there was a perfectly good tea-serving set not three feet from him.
"Idiot," The woman at her desk said before glancing at her sword that had neatly impaled her second's desk. She made a quick flick of her wrist, pulling a hidden wire she had attached to the hilt of the sword, watched it dislodge itself and tugged it back to her. –I suppose I should consider myself lucky he ran out…- she looked at the sword as she caught it in her hand. –Had he stayed, I would have actually had to get up to get you…- she grinned as the sword started buzzing in the back of her mind.
Yes, she was THAT lazy…
It was mid-afternoon, and SoiFong found herself walking into the first squad barracks for another standard monthly captain's meeting. She stood in front of the large doors, glaring at their looming nature. –Do I really need to do this?- it was just the standard monthly meeting, all she'd have to say is 'Yes, all second squad business is going smoothly,' then stand for another forty minutes while the others bickered, complained, or overall just went on-and-on-and-on about nothing from their squads. –Damnit, can't I just give the old man a note, so I can skip all this?- the buzzing in the back of her mind told her a distinct 'No!'
The second squad captain's eyes narrowed as the large gates slowly opened. –You've been awfully mouthy today, what happened, someone spike your honey?- the buzzing intensified.
Suzumebachi was not amused.
"Heh," the frightful woman gave a small smirk for 'irking' her sword; well at least she was getting some payback today. –Now if I can just get through the rest of this…-
She took various steps into the first squad barracks, and when finally reaching Yamamato-Soutaichou's meeting hall, she was rather surprised to find she wasn't the first captain other then the captain-commander himself to be there.
In fact, every other captain except seventh and tenth squad's was there.
-O-o-o-okay… that's never happened before…- She could already hear the lecture Suzumebachi was going to start giving her as soon as this was over about how being late was sin, right next to 'skipping work', 'not doing work', and 'doing a half-assed job'. She sighed in the back of her mind. –That'll be fun to look forward to…-
She stepped into the room, at first not getting any kind of response as all of them seemed to be crowded around the Captain-Commander. She felt the urge to roll her eyes. –Probably some new 'squad setup' sketch again…-
That's when the giggling started.
She glared at the group of captains. –Okay, I'm starting to get really sick of people giggling today…- she cleared her throat, no body moved. She cleared her throat louder, still nothing except more giggling. She gripped the handle of her sword tightly, really, really, really tempted to whip it out and start kicking asses and taking names. Of course, despite how much the 'busy bee' detested being off schedule and the fact that their 'giggling' was counter-productive, it was far against attacking coworkers, especially 'outranking' coworkers.
SoiFong's eye twitched, -Fine - she let go of the sword and simply crossed her arms, "Are you all finished?" all heads turned towards the lone konoichi, her scowl showing her mood clearly, "Can we get this meeting started?"
Why were they looking at her like that?
Unohana was giving her her perpetual smile, but something about that smile today had the konoichi's senses on high alert. –O-o-o-o-okay…-
Mayuri had his head tilted at an odd angle and was openly staring at her, a bizarre grin on his face. –Then again, he's always creepy-
Byakuya gave her one look, tilted his head down then back up before looking away. –Is he forcing his lips closed?- a second to process his odd action. –Did he just look me up and down?-
Ukitake sent her a glance, then went into a fit of giggles that soon became gagging coughs. –Then again, he's always sick…-
Kyouraku just gave her this lazy grin she was sure he'd used on girls half her age. –Is he seriously trying to flirt with me?-
Kenpachi seemed to just walk up to her, looked down, gave the diminutive captain a huge grin before he started openly laughing and walked over to his place to stand. SoiFong's eyes just trailed the large man a few seconds before her brain caught up with his actions. –That was just weird…-
As the others seemed to take this as a sign to move to their proper places as SoiFong just stood still a moment trying to register what had just happened. Her dark eyes fell on the old man at the center of the room between all the present captains, Yamamato Genryuusei seemed to be the only one still acting 'normal', "Yamamato-Soutaichou-"
SoiFong seemed to be the only one that jumped, if extremely slightly, as the large doors to the captain's hall were, rather forcefully, slammed open. Komamura Saijin stood in the middle between the two doors, bent over and panting like a dog, "Sorry… Yama… mato… Sou… taichou..." the large canine looking man gulped in air as he straightened up, "I… was-" he froze when his eyes landed on SoiFong who was standing in the center of the captains.
For her worth, the woman just tilted her head at the flustered look Komamura was giving her. –O-o-o-o-oka-a-a-ay…-
"I-I-I-I-I," the dog man seemed to be caught in a perpetual loop as he just stood there staring at the konoichi. His huge paw-like hands kept twitching in front of him like he couldn't decide what to do with himself. He was a second away from opening his mouth again…
"Sorry, Yamamato, I was trying to find my lieutenant…" Hitsugaya Toushiro walked in calmly around the frozen dog man and paused when he noticed the entire gathering of captains was staring at them. He raised a white brow, "Is there something I'm missing?"
"That's what I'd like to know," the konoichi still standing perfectly still in the center of the captains line spoke to herself, but with the unfathomable silence of the room her words were as clear as day. There were a few snorts and snickers from behind her, so when she turned around to try and find the culprits, while not looking like she really cared, she completely missed the light blush that came over the young boy-captain's face as he seemed to just realize she was there.
"Ahem," Hitsugaya cleared his throat, and looking distinctly anywhere that wasn't in SoiFong's direction, started walking to his spot, "I-I guess we can start this meeting…" he tapped Komamura on the shoulder, seeming to snap him out of his haze and the two walked over to their places.
"That sounds like a good idea," SoiFong said, watching the two with a critical eye as they walked to their places. When she deemed it 'safe' she began to walk to her spot at Yamamato Genryuusei's right. She was about five feet from the old man when she noticed he had yet to respond, "Yamamato-Soutaichou, I think we can begin now…"
"Oh… hmm," the old man seemed to look up; apparently he wasn't even paying attention to the weird actions of his captains the past few minutes. SoiFong barely registered the old man slipping a magazine into his haori before he slammed his staff on the ground with a resounding Tap! "Right, second squad's captain; let's get this meeting started…"
The woman simply narrowed her eyes in confusion at the whole display, one of her brows peaking and only one thing on her mind. –What the hell is going on today?-
She barely registered the buzzing in the back of her mind that was reminiscent of evil cackling…
-Okay, that has to have been the shortest captain's meeting I have EVER been to- Captain SoiFong was storming out of the first squad barracks. She was the first and seemingly only captain that seemed to be leaving that meeting. Hey, she wanted to get her work done and over with so her and her comforter could have a happy reunion.
–I don't think I could take another minute of whatever was going on in there- throughout the entire 'meeting' all the other captains seemed to be extremely preoccupied, and at least half of them kept staring at her. –Did somebody slip them all something today, because I swear I'm getting sick of this…- the only one that didn't seem 'affected' by whatever it was that had come over the other captains was Unohana, and that woman just kept smiling at her in that creepy manner she always did.
SoiFong's brow twitched. –If I didn't know any better I'd say she had something to do with this…-
The dark haired woman just settled for glowering at whatever was in front of her while grumbling curses in the back of her mind…
She had managed to pass the barracks the lieutenants used for their meeting when she heard a loud round of giggling. –Okay, I'm getting sick and tired of hearing giggling today…- she didn't bother turning around, she was going to completely ignore it as long as sanely possible and just go home.
Sadly the giggling escalated into laughter, and SoiFong was far, far from amused.
The woman drew Suzumebachi and turned around so fast she put her own ninja skills to shame, "Alright, whoever the hell is there has three seconds before I start coming for you!"
What the clearly pissed-beyond-all-reason konoichi was not expecting was for someone to grab her from behind, around her waist, and start rubbing something huge and round into her back. She gave the proper response of blushing red in both fury and embarrassment and her sword hand twitching in the distinct urge to stab the perpetrator.
"~SoiFong-Taichou~!" it just had to be Matsumoto Rangiku didn't it.
The konoichi's eye twitched the barest amount. –If this buxom blonde doesn't get her buxom breasts out of me back, I swear...- sadly this thought was immediately halted as Matsumoto took this one-in-an-afterlife opportunity and grouped the captain of the Omitsukido Corps.
The world went still.
-Did she just… no… no…- SoiFong's already redder than usual scowling face tilted down just enough to see that Matsumoto Rangiku did, in fact, have both her arms crossed over the petite konoichi and was, rather firmly, grouping her breasts. Her hand on Suzumebachi tightened. –She had better be drunk…-
"I've always wanted to do that!" The buxom blonde squealed, before letting go of her quarry rather quickly as the konoichi swiftly turned around and sliced the air Matsumoto just inhabited. The blonde held up her hands in defense with a Cheshire grin on her face, "Hey, hey, no need to get testy," she had to dodge another swipe.
"Matsumoto Rangiku , you have five seconds to explain yourself or suddenly find yourself insanely drunk," the business end of Suzumebachi was in the buxom woman's face in an instant, "Otherwise I use Suzumebachi here to find out if those are real," the dark haired woman threateningly lowered her blade point to Matsumoto's world-renowned 'assets' and got a satisfying squeak out of the woman.
"Okay, okay, okay, okay!" the woman punctuated each 'okay' by moving her hands in a defensive manor.
When SoiFong was satisfied with thoroughly frightening the 'well-endowed' woman, she lowered her sword, just enough to be non-immediately-threatening. She spent the next moment just glaring at the woman. –Bitch's boobs are like five times the size of mine!- Yes a rather irrational thought, but hey, who wouldn't be comparing in this situation. –It's not fair!- Suzumebachi was at least finding this whole event rather entertaining.
That Cheshire grin returned to the buxom blonde, "I was just wanting to see if it was true!"
Well that just completely derailed SoiFong's thought process. The dark eyed woman just stared at the blonde a moment before asking the obvious, "What was true?"
Matsumoto raised a blonde brow, "Well you know…" when she continued to be getting a blank stare from the konoichi her own confusion started setting in, "ya' know that you…" she made a funny gesture of waving her hand, which only caused SoiFong's head to tilt slightly to the left. The blonde pouted and looked indignant at the woman, "That you swing both ways!" the tilt angle seemed to increase as did Matsumoto's frustration at not getting any kind of reaction from the woman. –Alright, time to be blunt- "That you're a Bisexual!"
SoiFong's brain just crashed.
… And Suzumebachi was laughing its ass off.
"WHAT!" the konoichi suddenly screamed, knocking the blonde flat on her backside.
"Jeez, it's not something to be embarrassed about…" Matsumoto said as she stood back up dusting herself off. The blonde looked at the dark haired woman, who seemed to be hyperventilating, "So I take it you are?"
"No!" the konoichi glared at her.
That Cheshire grin was back on the blonde's face, "So I see you stick it to our side of the fence, eh, eh," she was rather rudely elbowing the konoichi in the shoulder. Matsumoto just grinned at the confused look the woman was giving her. For no absolute reason the blonde flipped her hair as she leaned into the smaller woman, "Don't worry, get enough sake in me and hey, I'll join ya on that side!"
SoiFong's brain seemed to finally reset itself and was registering that Matsumoto Rangiku was in fact hitting on her. She took a step back from the woman, "I'm sorry, what?"
The blonde seemed to pout and raised a brow, "So what you're not into woman?"
"No!" the response was immediate, though SoiFong had to take a step back and consider the question more. –Well… there was always that one time with Yoruichi-sama when she was really drunk and…- a light blush came to her face which she quickly shook it away. She waved her hands in front of her, "No, no, no, no, no!"
Matsumoto's brow only rose higher at the strange reaction; she leaned into the woman's face and asked again, "So you're not a lesbian?"
SoiFong gave her trademark glare and gave the blonde a resounding, "No…"
Matsumoto, not backing off an inch, tilted her head to the side, "So you like guys?"
A small blush made it to SoiFong's face which she tried to murder before it even started. The Cheshire grin that came to the blonde's face said she wasn't quick enough. –Damn nosey woman…- the konoichi crossed her arms and turned away from the annoying blonde, "That's none of your business."
Matsumoto just grinned, before turning to face behind SoiFong and started waving her hands, "HEY GUYS SHE'S STRAIGHT!"
SoiFong cringed, she didn't know which was worse, that a bunch of people just saw that, or that the responses...
"SWE-E-E-E-E-ET!" "ALRIGHT!" "Haha, you owe me twenty bucks…"
Then of course there was the other side…
"DAMNIT!" "WHY, WHY!" "Fuck Damnit, I never win…"
Although her brain was a little too frazzled at this time to determine exactly whose voices said what, and she was halfway positive she heard someone mouthing off about chocolate. So doing the next best thing, the Konoichi grabbed the woman bouncing next to her and had her face within an inch of hers. Sadly she didn't get the first say in this encounter.
"Well, if you want to get a couple of drinks we can reconsider that verdict!" that Cheshire grin on Matsumoto's face was really starting to piss the konoichi off.
"Explain, now," if you completely ignored the shade of red her face was, SoiFong looked rather intimidating with her eyes promising all sorts of pain and torture before an excruciatingly long death.
So why did that woman's grin just get wider?
"Simple, all of us," she waved her hand freely to the remaining lieutenants who had gathered around, at a safe distance, the scene of the konoichi manhandling soul society's award-winning 'woman with the largest boobs'. SoiFong's eyes glanced to the gathered lieutenants, specifically noting her own cowering feebly behind Kotetsu Isane who happened to have Kusajishi Yachiru sitting on her shoulders. The dark haired woman's eyes narrowed on the scene a moment as one thought came to mind –Always has to be in high places, huh?- before turning back to the blonde so she would continue, "Were wondering if some of the stuff said in this month's 'Seireitei monthly' was true!"
The look of absolute confusion on the konoichi's face was absolutely priceless…
"Come again?" she let the buxom woman go as she just stared at her trying to determine what the hell she was talking about.
Then of course something completely unexpected (or completely expected depending on who you were –coughHitsugayacoughcough- ) happened, Matsumoto stuck her hand into her voluminous cleavage and pulled out this month's volume of 'Seireitei monthly'. Now while completely ignoring the utter brain-crashed look SoiFong was giving her, Matsumoto flipped through the magazine until she found the right page and handed it to the second squad's captain, that Cheshire grin never leaving the woman's face, "See, check it out!"
SoiFong hesitantly took the magazine, and completely ignoring that ALL of the lieutenants had migrated behind her to read over her shoulder, she looked at the ominous page… and wished to Kami she never did.
The article, simply titled 'Seireitei's buzzy little bee', yes misspelled and everything, seemed to give a detailed account of her personal life, her favorite hobbies, her exact measurements, job specifics, likes, dislikes, personal preferences, diet, training regime, personally treasured moments, most embarrassing moments, and each page of the ten page article contained at LEAST three pictures of her in something that wasn't her typical uniform, ranging from bikinis to skintight dresses to sexy lingerie.
SoiFong just stared at the pieces of paper in her hand.
The lieutenants just stared at the silent captain.
Yachiru, from her convenient height on Isane's shoulder, waved her adorable little hand in front of the captain's face. There was absolutely no response. The little pink haired girl looked over at Matsumoto, "I think you broke Soi-Soi…"
"What seriously?" so of course Matsumoto, not quiet believing Yachiru, waved her hand in front of the captain as well, again getting no response, "Whoa, I think we did break her…"
"Who's this 'we'," Hisagi said just staring at the form in front of them.
"SoiFong-taichou?" Kira called out to the woman, he too getting no response.
Renji poked the still woman, "Hey, SoiFong-Taichou," another poke, "Helloooo."
"Move aside Abarai," Ise Nanao shoved the redhead rather roughly so she stood in front of the catatonic captain. She adjusted her glasses and seemed to be 'examining' the woman, then suddenly she clapped rather loudly, spooking all the present lieutenants.
"What the hell was that?" Renji shouted at the stoic woman, having Kira and Matsumoto hiding behind him from the 'spook'.
"Tch, that usually works on Taichou," she sighed and stood up, "Guess I could always try some kido…"
"W-we don't need to hurt the woman," Isane tried feebly to get the others to listen to some kind of reason, but with the ball of energetic pink on her shoulders that was proving rather difficult since she was shouting something about 'sweets' and 'explosives'.
"Perhaps if her condition does not improve we can take her down to the Institute of Technology to have some tests run on her," now while it was amazing enough that Nemu was even getting involved in the strange conversation, the unanimous looks of 'Hell no' from her constituents made her revoke her suggestion.
"We could always just take her to the fourth division," Isane added, even though she knew no one was listening.
"Where's the fun in that 'tall-girl'!" the ever-cheery voice of Yachiru seemed to response to fourth squad's lieutenant, even if she didn't want her too.
So for at least a good ten minutes the lieutenants of soul society were arguing over various ways they could awaken the officially catatonic captain of second squad. Now these ways were far too numerous, horrendous, hilarious, and overall ridiculous to mention.
None of the bickering lieutenants even noticed that the largest (or simply fattest depending on your view point) member of their group was completely absent. This was because Oomadea knew that as soon as captain SoiFong awoke from her catatonic state all hell was going to break loose. –And I am NOT going to be there when she flips…-
As luck would have it, Matsumoto had just literally knocked on the catatonic captain's head with a call of, "Heeellloooo~~ anybody hoooommme~~!" when a massive wave of reitsu was released from the captain. It was so strong and so powerful all the lieutenants immediately fell to the ground and huddled behind Matsumoto with the logic that if all else failed; her massive boobs would protect them.
Now, the reitsu emanating from captain SoiFong was so immensely dense, and concentrated with rage that they could call it nothing but 'pure killing intent'…
…And the reason for this massive explosion of all around malice from the ever-famed calm and stoic konoichi leader of second squad?
Why it was simple… she had just read the name of the person who had turned in her overall life's story to the 'Seireitei Monthly'…
And that name was, 'Mr. U.'
The explosion of such intense reitsu suddenly just ended. It was so sudden and quick that the lieutenants fell forward by the sudden release of the spiritual pressure that had for the past minute been pushing them back. They all as a unit dared to look at the konoichi. What they saw certainly shocked them.
She was completely calm, completely back to normal with her scowl and almost bored expression, and there was not a hint of rage, anger, or any other variation of the violent emotion. She made a swift motion that had all the lieutenants leaning back in fear.
SoiFong merely raised a brow at their bizarre behavior, but shrugging it off, since she had better things to do, held up the magazine up for them to see, her bored eyes narrowing in on the buxom blonde in the front of the lieutenant pile, "Can I borrow this?"
"Uhh… y-yea… s-sure… hell, keep it!" Matsumoto waved her hand at the captain.
"Hmp," the konoichi captain simply shrugged, turned away from the weird lieutenants and started walking away. She made it about ten feet before she disappeared from sight, obviously using shunpo.
All the lieutenants collectively took in a breath.
"Shit!" it was Renji that was the first to get his mouth working.
"No kidding," Kira responded.
"Shit!" amazingly it was Hisagi this time.
"LET'S DO THAT AGAIN!" unsurprisingly it was Yachiru that shouted that out.
"L-let's n-not, Yachiru-chan," Isane tried pleading with the excitable child-lieutenant. The lieutenant of fourth squad decided that now was as good a time as any to make a hasty retreat, she waved at the remaining lieutenants, "See you at the next meeting," before she disappeared, apparently dragging Yachiru with her, if the giggling screams of 'go faster!' meant anything.
"Y-yes that sounds like a good idea" Ise stood up, adjusted her glasses before looking at the downed lieutenants, "Until next meeting," and promptly disappeared.
"I shall also be departing," those still on the ground looked over at Nemu to see her bowing, a far off look on her blank face, "I must report this information to Mayuri-sama, before another incident happens," and with that she was gone as well.
That left Kira, Renji, Hisagi and…
"Hehehe…" the three males looked to their lone female companion, each wondering if she had gone mad from SoiFong's reitsu earlier as she seemed to just start laughing like a maniac.
"Uh… Rangiku-san?" Kira attempted communication while the other two just stared on.
Suddenly the buxom blonde shot up to her feet, and looked back down at the three with the most evil Cheshire grin yet, "We have GOT to go see what she's doing!"
There was an immediate response of three resounding 'no's.
The Cheshire grin grew wider, "Who said you had a choice…"
And the three men knew fear yet again as the blonde approached them…
SoiFong stomped into the wide open field. It was mostly empty, maybe a tree or two here and there, and was over all surrounded by bushes, so she should be safe.
Now, as for her purpose in being in this clearly 'out in the middle of nowhere' field…
"I'm going to kill him!" she literally growled the words, but even in her completely hell-bent state of mind she knew for a fact that getting to her target was next to impossible, not to mention it would take a lot of explaining that she wouldn't want to bother with dealing with. She audibly growled some more as she paced the vacant lot trying to set her whirring mind straight. Then as if coming to a decision she whipped around and threw the offending pieces of paper a good distance into the air.
"Fine! If I can't kill that bastard myself," she grinned sadistically, "I'll just have to make do with you," in one swift motion the woman took out her sword and raised it in the air leveled with the steadily falling crumpled up magazine, "Ban-KAI!"
This happened to be the exact moment that Matsumoto had showed up with her cohorts Hisagi, Renji, and Kira, each of the three men sporting numerous cuts, bruises, and a completely new level of fear for Matsumoto Rangiku.
"HO-LY SH-IT!" Matsumoto nearly shouted. The three just stared at her.
"What is it Rangiku-san," Kira the ever peacemaker dared to speak to the scary blonde.
The woman simply pointed to the raging captain in the middle of the field, "She's going to actually use 'It'!"
And before any of the shanghai-ed males had a chance to even ask what Matsumoto was 'remotely' talking about, they heard a fierce cry of:
"JAKUHOU RAIKOUBEN!" (Hornet lightning staff)
And it suddenly dawned on them what they were seeing.
"Holy shit she's using her Bankai!" Renji exclaimed.
"I-I mean I knew she had to have Bankai, b-but I never thought I'd actually see it," Hisagi's bewildered eyes were glued to the woman in the center of the field. Kira could only nod in response, while Matsumoto had whipped out a camera from nowhere to immortalize this rare moment.
Now each of the viewing lieutenants had their own ideas of what SoiFong's Bankai would look like, usually somehow involving a stinger, being small, or even the full-body 'bee-queen' outfit (courtesy of Renji's perverted mind… and Matsumoto's as well) that could kill in one 'sting'. So when they actually got a look at the captain of second squad's True Bankai they were all completely floored.
"… Is THAT!" Matsumoto yelled while pointing at the humongous 'thing' that formed itself around captain SoiFong's right arm.
"I don't know…" Hisagi started.
"But it looks like it's gonna hurt…" Kira finished.
Renji gulped in fear while Matsumoto was snapping off pictures.
SoiFong swung her massive cylindrical Bankai upwards, taking great aim at the magazine that was surprisingly still falling (we'll just assume she threw it up really, really, really high…) before the face guard on her shoulder set itself in place. The woman gave a sadistic grin before saying, "Sayounara," and figuratively pulling the trigger.
What resulted, to the amazement of the crowd she didn't know she had, was the back of Suzumebachi's Bankai igniting into flames that eventually resulted in propulsion and cause the cylindrical rod to be shot forward, causing a HUGE backlash, and eventually the rocket made contact with the falling magazine and blew it up in the largest, brightest, and most powerful explosion soul society has ever seen. The resulting tremor from the explosion sent the on-looking Shinigami to the ground, while SoiFong, being at the epicenter and already in a crater from the launch, into an even deeper crater and slamming herself at least a foot into the soft dirt.
When it was finally over and there was nothing left of the explosion or that dreaded magazine and the field was deathly quiet, a laugh broke out. It started out small, a simply chuckle, that soon developed into a joyous laugh, then a manic one, then a crazy one, and ended with one that just sounded decidedly evil, "TAKE THAT URAHARA KISUKE!"
And the laughter continued…
When the lieutenants finally managed to pull themselves up from their imprints in the dirt they heard the resounding laughter that filled the area.
"Okay, that's just scary," Renji said as he sat up and looked over the bushes they had been hiding behind, amazed beyond all reason that they were still standing, only to see a massive crater where SoiFong was previously standing. Only one word came to mind, "Damn!"
"Seriously," Kira added when he sat up and saw it as well.
"Super seriously," Hisagi added when his mind finally caught up with what he had just seen.
"FUCK DAMN THAT THING'S POWERFUL!" Thank you Matsumoto, all three of her cohorts just stared at the buxom blonde, surprised she was still so 'coherent' after what they'd just seen.
Sadly the day was not over yet…
"Wahahahahahaha… haha… ha… ha…" SoiFong's laughter seemed to finally die down. The woman just looked up at the clear blue sky, taking a moment to completely think of nothing and just enjoy that simplicity. It seemed Suzumebachi was enjoying that same peace as the little bee wasn't buzzing around in the back of her mind; then again she was still holding 'Jakuhou Raikouban'. –You always did seem more content after using Bankai…-
The grounded woman let out a deep sigh before making the necessary movements to sit up, which she found to be slightly harder than usual. Scowling a moment she forced herself up into a sitting position, effectively freeing herself from the overall ditch she'd practically buried herself in. Her dark eyes scanned the lip of the crater all around her. –Damnit… guess I better start climbing…- She had managed to pull herself full up out of the dirt and into a standing position, and with a little burst of reitsu managed to use shunpo to get herself out of the hole.
When she turned around and saw the crowd behind her she started wishing she had stayed down there.
The konoichi just stared up at the sky, "What now?"
"SOIFONG-TAICHOU!" the entire crowd seemed to scream at once. She turned to glance at them, it seemed to be made up entirely of male Shinigami, and what was that each and every one of them was holding…
-God… do you just really, really, really hate me today…- She looked up at the sky again, never once in her life invoking any kind of spiritual being over herself, but seeing as how this day had currently played out, she could only determine something was officially trying to screw with her.
(This is where the author says, 'Oh Hellz yea, Bitch!')
The drained captain just looked back at the crowd, before composing herself and glaring at them, "Alright, what do you want?"
That seemed to be some kind of cue as the entirety of the crowd moved as one and charged towards the now, probably, defenseless captain.
Her shoulders just slumped. –Are you fucking kidding me?-
Meanwhile, in the bush of no return…
"Uhh… Matsumoto, shouldn't we help her," Kira looked over at the woman who was vigorously clicking a camera, as he pointed out to the crowd, "Or something…" he looked to his two other cohorts, seeing as their defacto leader was currently in her own little world involving mountains and mountains of blackmail.
"Hell no," the two responded without hesitation, neither wanting to get anywhere near that scary woman or the giant horde of obvious perverts heading towards her.
Kira just sighed, "Well, I tried…"
SoiFong just glared at her impending doom. –This really is just the worst day of my life, isn't it…- Thinking of her possible options, none of them looking any kind of good. –Horde of perverts, running away, horde of perverts, running away…- Hey, the woman had her pride as the Captain of the second squad to think about too, not just her virginity, –Eh-hem…- possible virginity.
(This author is going to stop this line of speculation before SoiFong breaks the fourth wall and points Jakuhou Raikouban at me… damn that is a freakin' name to say… oh… right… -cough-)
"Not to worry SoiFong-Taichou!"
… And up out of nowhere (probably from the crowd really…) Komamura Sajin, the giant dog-man himself, set himself, selflessly between the staggering captain and the oncoming horde of Shinigami-perverts. He drew his sword and faced the masses, "Don't worry, I, Komamura Sajin, will protect your innocence with my life!"
"Okay, seriously, why does everyone think I'm a virgin?" SoiFong glared at the back of the dog man, getting a strange look from him, and a possible giggle or two from the 'bush of no return'.
"Ano… Yoruichi-san?" Urahara asked his companion that sat on the tree branch next to him, overlooking the entire scene, and looking at her very seriously over the fan he had covering the lower half of his face, "is she a virgin?"
All he got as a response from the dark skinned cat-woman was a grin that would put the Cheshire Cat to shame…
Okay, ignoring the previous lines of thinking and getting back to the story at hand…
With the 'sudden' arrival of Komamura the horde of male Shinigami that had more than likely less then admirable thoughts towards the rather irritated captain-konoichi of second squad had stopped in their tracks.
"Hey! We had first dibs, we saw her first!" someone from the crowd shouted, only eliciting a group shout of, "YEA!"
The large and foreboding captain of seventh squad growled openly at the crowd, scaring a large number of them with his feral beastlike appearance, "That is no way to speak of her!" he gripped his zanpakutou tightly in his large fuzzy fists, "She is not some prize to be won, or someone to leer after with your own selfish delusions!" His words were harsh and honest, coming from the deepest recesses of the dog-man's heart. He had a deep respect for all his fellow captains and would not stand for such disrespect being displayed to any of them, especially the few female captains.
"WHAT?" apparently the majority of the Shinigami male populace weren't that bright.
"We just wanted to see her naked!" someone shouted from inside the crowd.
"YEA!" came the unanimous roar.
"Yea, the lingerie shots didn't show enough!"
If there was ever a moment for face planting this would be it.
-That fucking bastard…- By this point SoiFong was gritting her teeth and flexing her hand dangerously, "I am going to kill that son of a bitch the next time I see him…"
Komamura placed his hand on the woman's shoulder as a means to try and comfort her, and possibly calm her down from homicidal rage, "SoiFong-Taichou, do not worry, I will not let anything indecent happen to you," the dog man glared back at the crowed with his golden eyes, "I swear to my last breathe none of them will get by me," he looked back at the diminutive woman who seemed to only have her head leaned down and was looking rather flatly at his hand on her 'shoulder'.
Komamura's odd dog brow rose, "Uhh, SoiFong?"
"Oh my god this is better than a movie," Matsumoto exclaimed before shoveling a handful of popcorn that she miraculously obtained by means unknown, before passing the bowl to her left.
"No kidding," Kira said as he grabbed a few pieces of the popcorn and consuming it, and passing the bowl to the left.
"I feel bad for the guy," Hisagi seemed to pull out some strange 'scoop' thing and filled it with popcorn before passing it to his left.
"Yea, especially after all that romantic stuff he was saying to her about protecting her innocence and everything," Renji said without thinking, accidentally revealing that he was a closet romantic, and receiving strange, and shocked, looks from Matsumoto, Kira, and Hisagi. He looked at them, "What?" they just kept staring, then his brain caught up to what he said, "Oh shit, I mean… uhh… yea he's gonna get his ass kicked…" and the rightful order was restored. The redheaded lieutenant grabbed two handfuls of popcorn and shoved them into his mouth, trying to completely ignore what just happened. Without thinking he offered the popcorn bowl to his left and officially breaking the fourth wall, "Want some?"
"Don't mind if I do…"
"Komamura…" the woman's voice was very low and very flat, something that told the dog captain he was in deep, deep trouble. The woman continued to look down at his hand, inciting the dog man to do so as well.
And he realized why she was probably seconds away from kicking his ass…
It seems by some act of Kami (Thank you, thank you) the hand he had meant to put on her shoulder as a means of 'comfort' and a silent plea to calm her down before she went nuclear on half the Shinigami populace, had somehow managed to migrate south and slightly to the right. Why it look like he was cupping one of her…
The dog man gulped loudly.
"S-Soifong, I-I d-didn't… I mean I wasn't… I-I-I-I," The poor dog man was caught in a horrible act of fate and he had no idea how to respond, and he knew that she probably wasn't hearing him.
"Komamura," there was a distinct SHUUNCT! as 'Jakuhou Raikouban' rearmed itself with another missile made entirely from spiritrons from the surrounding area. The woman's head rose, showing perhaps the most ungodly amount of unbridled rage held back by a tiny dwindling thread in her dark eyes, "You have ten seconds to get out of here before I start firing…"
There was a huge gasp from the crowd.
Komamura backed up while placing his hands in front of him in a defensive pose, "S-SoiFong, l-let me explain-"
"One," everyone took a step back as she took a step forward.
"N-now be rational…" he was backing away with the crowd now.
"Two," she raised the huge rocket launcher of her Bankai and aimed it straight at the crowd.
"Five!" she gave a sadistic grin.
Everyone's eyes widened.
"Nine!" the face guard lowered obscuring half of her face behind the cold metal.
It was at this point people finally realized they should start running.
"TEN!" and she fired her rocket launcher of a Bankai at the crowd, grinning maniacally as she watched them run.
"BAN-KAI!" and the towering body of 'Kokujou Tengenmyou-ou' protected the fleeing crowd, while others took the seventh squad's captain's release as a signal to pull out their own zanpakutou.
The missile finally hit the towering giant causing a shockwave that blasted most everyone in the area to the ground.
Komamura stood up as the smoke finally started to clear, he looked up at the form of 'Kokujou Tengenmyou-ou' and saw that his giant puppet was hurt but overall would survive.
"Tsk, tsk, tsk," a voice called out from the clearing smoke, and Komamura's golden eyes widened at the sight of SoiFong standing with a devilish grin on her face, 'Jakuhou Raikouban' already rearmed, "You shouldn't have done that, Komamura-Taichou," she raised her right arm, the guard coming down instantly, "Let's try this again…"
Komuamura's pupils became the size of a grain of sand as the woman in front of him fired again.
"DAMN!" Matsumoto exclaimed as the two captain level Bankai started going at it, also with a minor appearance of various other zanpakutou owned by Shinigami that don't really deserve any mention beyond being cannon fodder.
The three guys sitting next to her simply had their jaws on the floor as they watched the fight ensue.
"It's like 'Lord of the Rings: Return of the King' final battle epic!" she yelled, completely ignoring the forgotten popcorn bowl that had somehow made its way back to her through time-dimensional looping.
Kira, Hisagi and Renji could only nodded their agreement despite the fact they had no idea what she was talking about.
"Umm… I think she's…" I, the poor author tried to point out to the dumbfounded crowd, officially destroying the fourth wall, as the woman I'm currently writing about leveled a several gigaton explosive our way.
"I've known you've all been there this whole time!" SoiFong shouted angrily at her viewing audience, and author, while in fact leveling 'Jakuhou Raikouban' at the 'bush of no return', and a sadistic grin came to her face as she fired the insanely powerful missile at the poor Matsumoto, Kira, Hisagi, Renji and myself.
The resulting explosion sent them through the forest back to soul society, and me back on my side of the fourth wall, ironically repairing it at the same time.
"That's for calling me a virgin!"
"Ano… Yoruichi-san…" Urahara Kisuke asked his companion, "As completely worth it as this whole trip to soul society was, despite the fact that we are both banished from it for 'good reasons', there is just one thing I'd like to know…"
"Yes, Kisuke?" the dark skinned woman nodded to her companion as she watched the ensuing chaos derived from her 'protégé's' Bankai through a nifty pair of binoculars.
Urahara Fwiped open his fan and covered the lower half of his face with it, "how many times can she fire that before she becomes exhausted?"
This question made the cat woman pause in her spying. Taking her eyes away from the binoculars as her purple brows knit together in thought, then confusions, "Now that you mention it," she tilted her head to the side reminiscent of a confused animal, "She should only be able to fire it once every three days…"
The two masterminds just looked at each other, over to the carnage being wrought by the impossible, back at each other, before sitting back and simply enjoying the show. That is until they hear the distinct shout of:
"URAHARA KIESUKE, I'LL KILL YOU!"
The man himself grabbed the binoculars from his dark-skinned counterpart and upon looking through them saw the business end of 'Jakuhou Raikouban' pointed directly at the tree the two of them were sitting comfortably in. He lowered the binoculars, "I don't suppose there's anything you can do at this point, Yoruichi-san?"
The purple haired woman just scratched the back of her head and gave an embarrassed laugh.
"I suppose not," Urahara said handing the binoculars back to the woman. He crossed his arms and looked at her, "What was all this about anyway?" he was scratching his chin in thought, he didn't remember distinctly doing anything remotely 'evil' to the girl in the past month or so…
"I guess she found that magazine article I printed in the 'Seireitei Monthly' about her…" Yoruichi said plainly as she watched her former bodyguard fire her obstinacy powerful Bankai their way through her binoculars.
"And what name did you go by for the publication this time?" the man in the hat asked the cat woman.
"The same one I always do…" she said plainly, seemingly not worried in the least that they had about ten seconds before that missile hit them.
"And that would be?" his shadowed eyes narrowed on his partner-in-crime.
"Mr.U," her golden eyes meeting his.
"Ahh, now everything makes sense," he gave a silly laugh, joined by his not-so-better half, as the missile was about three seconds to them.
"Die you sonvabitch!" SoiFong growled out as she watched the distant explosion with a wicked smile on her face. That is, until another thought came to her mind, "Shit! I probably just blew up Yoruichi-sama, too!" she lifted her arms to the heavens and yelled her fury.
"Fuck Damnit!" she sat down roughly on the pile of wounded and/or close to dying / hanging by a thread Shinigami she had pummeled with the various firings of 'Jakuhou Raikouban'. She set her head on her hand as she just scowled at nothing, completely ignoring the dying wails around her.
"Well you know what, screw this," she slapped her hands on her knees, finally releasing 'Jakuhou Raikouban' and glaring up at the sky, "Screw you," she pointed at the sky, "Screw this whole society," she waved her arms out completely pissed off, "Screw all of this!"
"Ya know what, I'm leaving," she yelled to no one as she started trudging down the mountain of bodies she had made her throne, "And you know what?" she reached into the mountain and miraculously pulled out Komamura Sajin by the scruff of his collar, "I'm taking this with me…" and she started walking out of the field dragging Komamura's half-conscious, half-dying, half-probably having a concussion or two body with her.
"And no body talk to me for the next three days!"
"My, my… what happened here?" Unohana stepped onto the field littered with the battered bodies of male Shinigami, followed by the entirety of the Fourth Squad.
"U-umm…" Isane started as she looked out at the sheer devastation, "I think a hallow or arrancar must have slipped in and attacked…" the tall woman's light eyes scanned the sheer devastation of the field, "At least I hope it was…"
Unohana seemed to give a knowing smile, "Well, what are we all standing around for," she looked back at her medical corps. "We have a lot of wounded with varying levels of injury, I want everyone working until everybody is accounted for and moved to the barracks, is that understood?"
"HAI, UNOHANA-TAICHOU!" and the medical corps. got to work on the grueling task of handling the bodies of all the victims.
Isane noticed her captain made no move to help, in fact was she turning around and walking away from the battlefield? "U-Unohana-Taichou!" the light haired woman called to her commanding officer, surprised by the blatant disregard displayed by her.
The much older woman turned back to smile at her subordinate, "Yes, Isane?"
The lieutenant tilted her head, "Aren't you going to help with the recovery?"
"Hmm," the dark haired woman seemed to consider this for a moment, "No, I don't think I'm needed…" and she started walking away.
"U-Unohana-Taichou?" Isane called after her captain.
The head of the medical corps. just kept walking, smiling contently to herself, "It's nice to see SoiFong finally got rid of some that pent up energy…" and she continued walking, discretely pulling out a certain magazine, and giggling to herself.
Today seemed to be a good day…
It was some time before noon, but distinctly after dawn if the sheer amount of light coming in through her window said anything. Her head was pounding and Suzumebachi was buzzing up a storm in her mind for being 'late'.
The half-dazed konoichi brought her hand up to her head, "What the hell did I do last night?" the buzzing of the 'busy bee' seemed to intensify, as if her sword was trying to tell her something, "Ugh, it's too early Damnit, lemme sleep," and without even thinking she grabbed part of her 'comforter', slung the fuzzy red thing over her shoulder and nuzzled deep into this nice red pillow she didn't quite remember having…
-Red… pillow… fuzzy…-
The half-awake konoichi sat up straight, the piece of the 'comforter' she had grabbed still wrapped comfortably around her waist. Her eyes were narrowed and barely opened, and while her brain didn't exactly function in the first ten to twelve minutes of the day something about 'red… pillow… and fuzzy' didn't seem to equate right into her normal routine.
She looked down at the piece of 'comforter' that was wrapped around her waist and overall in her lap. –That is an arm…- she blinked, no it was still there –There is an arm around my waist… in my bed…- her tired blinking eyes traveled up the arm going around her, behind her and attaching itself rather nicely to a giant red fluffy torso. –O-o-o-okay…- there was now a red, fluffy, body in her bed, with their arm around her.
Seeing as it was still early, in her mind, and she wasn't quite out of bed or anywhere away from her 'comforter' the konoichi decided to forgo thinking and simply reached out to grab the pillow that conveniently covered the head of whoever it was that was in her bed with her.
She found Komamura Sajin.
Correction, she found the sleeping, completely out of it and ungodly adorable form of Komamura Sajin as he had his tongue sticking out of his mouth with a pleased smirk on his slumbering features. She looked at him, then the pillow in her hand, and back at him, "Eh," she shrugged throwing the pillow over her shoulder and preparing to go back to sleep with her 'comforter'.
That was until she started hearing a distinct buzzing in the back of her mind.
She sat up straight again, not even opening her eyes this time, and glared at the sword she knew was hanging on her wall. SoiFong, in her rather sleepy and not caring state pointed at the offending sword, "Fuck you…" and promptly fell back onto her bed, cuddling up with her 'new' comforter and getting in some quality time in the land of nod.
Suzumebachi started laughing in the back of her sleeping mind…
Yes, today was a good day…
A/N: there is nothing funnier in my mind then when someone wakes up in the morning and is like 'what the fuck?' for one reason or another... especially if said person is usually so 'well composed'...
i absolutely love Unohana-Taichou by the way, i find she has a lurking sense of evil to her...
and no, no body's dead, they all got better, honest...
and don't mind my crack-tasim... remember, i'm sleep deprived...
now, i want reviews on this baby, and i mean it, or i'm pull SoiFong out and having her use 'Jakuhou Raikouban' on you all... and yes i just spelled that without looking it up, ha! yes, i've spelled it THAT much in this...
and if you don't get the references from Matsumoto and crew, then i feel sad for you...
-munches popcorn- this stuff is so good...
edit: okay, that should be better, all minor corrections made -grins- and yes, Unohana got the last joke in about SoiFong's sex-life if you didn't realize it... and see, there is a reason SoiFong's so pissed off on a daily basis XD
till next -salute-waves- Sayounara, Mina!
Originally Posted: 9-21-09