A/N: why? i have no idea... this is one of my longass half-shots that finally decided to work, don't ask me how, its about as old as 'In the Park', but this is effectively the 'B-side' of 'The Difference', where i was being serious in social/moral/psychological musing on comparisons to the 'real' and 'fake'... and this completely blew it up because its all about 'miscommunication' XD
effectively where this came from is when i was re-reading 'The Difference' and i realized how much of an innuendo the entire fight was and how much it paralleled sex... yes, if you tilt your head, squint, and have a loose imagination its pretty easy to spot (like most things in bleach XD) ESPECIALLY the dialogue, simply replace the word 'Fight' with another 'F' word and well... yea, you'll see -evil grin-
plus Bankai... oh Bankai... XD
dis: Titty K. blah blah blah...
The Difference – B-side
"Alright men, we have a mission!" Matsumoto pumped her fist with a fiery gleam in her eye. The three men seated at the table she marched up to knew that look, and each of them shuttered for some unknown reason.
Hisagi was the first to speak, "Who's this 'we'?" he droned while taking a sip of his beer.
The female blonde lightly glared at him for a moment, "'We', as in the four of us seated here," none of them were going to correct her in stating that she was in fact looming over their table malevolently while they were seated.
The three males stared at her.
"Come on guys, this'll be fun!" there was that sparkle again, mixed together with a hoppy schoolgirlish gigglyness that was downright terrifying coming from the buxom shinigami. Matsumoto 'schoolgirlish giggly' was never, never a good sign.
"Guys I think we should just follow her," Renji said in a slightly defeated tone, a distant memory scratching at the surface of his mind but he couldn't quite grasp it, only knowing that it involved Matsumoto, that evil sparkle in her eye, and something along the lines of 'terror' he felt at the sight of the blonde.
"Oh come on," Hisagi angrily slammed down his beer, "This was a guys' table until about two seconds ago, now she shows up and it's automatically 'do as the woman says'?"
Kira and Renji spared each other a bored look, before turning in tandem and staring, just as listlessly, at the '69' tattooed man and nodding, "Yes."
"Ugh," the purple haired man grabbed his head, "I give up," his admission to defeat was met with an evil cackling and two just as depressed sighs.
"This better be damn good," Hisagi, now sitting behind a shrubbery with his two cohorts and their demented leader, with his arms crossed and a scowl marring his scarred face.
"Just go with it," Renji said 'sagely' to his right.
"It's easier if you just accept it," Kira replied just as 'sagely' to his left, placing a hand on his shoulder.
"Dude," the most disgruntled of the group said as he swatted the pale man's offered hand off his shoulder.
Kira just sighed.
"Alright, now that the fanservice is out of the way," all three males looked at their devious leader with raised eyebrows, not noticing the camera she was discreetly slipping in-between her huge knockers as she had her back turned to them. The buxom blonde cleared her throat, "now, onto business, fufufufu…"
"That's just creepy," Hisagi commented as his scowl deepened.
"It's worse because of the evil-genius hand-rubbing," Renji added pulling out a mysterious popcorn bowl and popping a piece in his mouth. The other three just stared at him as he crunched down on the super-heated confection, he raised a tattooed brow, "What?"
Everyone shook their heads, ignoring that bout of bizarre.
"Oookay," Matsumoto said placing her hands inconspicuously on her hips, "Moving on…" she cackled again and added devious hand gestures, "Back to evil plans!"
"Please stop that," 69 said flatly crossing his arms over his chest.
"So what is this 'plan' that resulted in you dragging us out here?" surprisingly Kira asked this, more surprisingly he'd managed to garner the popcorn bowl from Renji without it having been passed to Hisagi. The lieutenant of 9th squad just stared at the pale blonde man next to him with his eye twitching trying to comprehend what just happened. Kira, sensing eyes on him, turned and held up the bowl, speaking with his mouth full, "Wu woo 'ant sum?"
Hisagi just stared for a moment, twitched his eye with that same disgusted-yet-can't-look-away look on his face before shaking his head and putting it in his hand, deciding to not speak for at least another hour.
"Anyway," Matsumoto slipped the camera into her large sleeve discreetly, "The reason we're here is because I have sources-"
"You have 'sources'?" the redhead said around popcorn.
The blonde woman with her hands on her hips just stared down at the man a moment before answering, "Yes I have sources," she pointed to her boobs, as if that made perfect sense, "And they tell me that-"
"They speak to you?!" Kira stared wide-eyed and slack-jawed; awed by the idea of talking boobies, mesmerized he slowly reached a hand for them.
Which was reflexively slapped away, "No, they," again pointing to her boobs, "don't 'talk'," an evil grin passed the woman's lips, "Buuuuuuuut~ they can get others to talk, hehehe," she rubbed her hands together like a greedy merchant.
"Ahh," both Kira and Renji nodded in understanding and amazement.
Hisagi refused to look up from his hand.
"So my sources," she said all mystically since apparently gathering information was an amazing task to those not gifted as she was, "Tell me that two captains are meeting here today to…" the blonde paused for dramatic effect, ensuring she had her audience entranced, Hisagi and his emoness didn't count.
"To?" the two men said.
"To…" she replied.
"To~?" the obvious added inflection noted how much they wanted to know.
"I dunno…" Matsumoto said confidently with her hands on her hips.
The area shook with face-planting.
"But we're gonna find out!" she had that sparkle in her eye again, creepy hand gestures and all.
"Question," Renji raised his hand, seeing as he did not have the popcorn bowl at the moment, "Why?"
"Gossip, duh?" was Matsumoto's curt response.
The redhead merely shrugged, accepting the answer.
"I have a question too," Kira also raised his hand, garnering a raised brow from the buxom blonde, "Do we know who these captains are?" the brow rose higher, as if to ask 'does that matter?', to which the pale blonde man cleared his throat, "I'm just asking since a lot of the captains tend to socialize with each other, like say if it were Kyouraku-Taichou and Ukitake-Taichou that wouldn't be all that gossip-worthy…" he finished by throwing a piece of popcorn in his mouth.
"Hmm," Matsumoto seemed to ponder, placing her chin in her hand, "You have a point…" then that sparkle came back, and with a vengeance, "But what if it's, saaaaay~ Zaraki-Taichou," all three males cringed at the mention of 11th squad's berserker captain, "Aaaaannnd Unohana-Taichou," if possible, they cringed even more, fearing for their lives even letting this line of thinking exist, for somehow, someway, that woman would know, give them that smile and somehow quietly kill them… or dish out spontaneous prostate exams. Unhindered by their squirming, the blonde woman continued, "Doing something naughty together out in this field," the creepy hand gestures were back, along with the perverted laugh.
Reflexively all three males clinched.
There may, or may not, have been a whimper or two.
"I'm suddenly regretting this idea," Renji said flatly, while Kira seemed to just twitch.
"Hey, seeing as I promised myself I wouldn't be talking for the next hour," all eyes turned to Hisagi, who had gotten up and was looking over the shrubbery, "Looks like the first one's here…"
In an instant all thoughts of 'fear' over who it might be and what they might do if they knew left the three as they scrambled to the greenery, 'discreetly' poking their heads through and catching sight of who it was…
"Komamura-Taichou?" Kira raised a blonde brow, confusion obvious on his face.
Renji only nodded in response.
"Huh," the three males turned towards their devious leader, "didn't even think about him…"
If Hisagi wasn't holding shrubbery out of his face with both hands he'd have slapped his forehead.
"Hey, you feel that?" Renji blinked as a distinct… sense crawled along his shoulders.
"Yes, it feels like dread…" Kira replied, feeling that… sense as well.
"You guys are paranoid," Matsmoto brushed off that… sense, seeing as it was overridden by her adjusting her camera for the oncoming shot.
"For once I agree," Hisagi grumbled, being all too familiar with 'fear' and 'dread' to feel anything at all like the others.
Like the unexpected impact of a sonic boom the second captain appeared out of a shunpo, and instantly the four of them felt like something invisible just punched them in the chest.
Jaws were left hanging open as brains attempted to reset at the sight of the tiny captain appearing on the scene. Not one of them needed to be up close to know the look on that woman's face; they could almost feel it in the reitsu that dissipated into the air from her appearance.
"S-s-s-" Renji was first in trying to comprehend, unfortunately, forming the proper words did not come so easily.
"Soi… Soi..." Kira seemed equally inept, if slightly further along in the word processing.
"SoiFong-Taichou!" Matsumoto just stared, her mind, so full of devious ideas of gossip and blackmail seconds ago was eerily quiet, as she had no idea how to interpret this turn of events.
"Eh," Hisagi just shrugged, this didn't seem too weird.
"Dude," Renji turned on the other tattooed man, "What the hell?"
"Eh," he shrugged just as bluntly.
Kira poked him, "did he brake?"
"I'm not broke you idiot," he didn't even feel like turning the necessary glare on the slightly smaller man.
The subtle camera in Matsumoto's side of the bush went unnoticed.
"So what now, fearless leader?" Hisagi's bored looking eyes turned to the buxom blonde.
"Now, what?" Matsumoto was more distracted with stashing her camera.
the 69 tattooed man openly scowled, letting go of his shrubbery and sitting down facing away from the captains, arms crossed and mostly hidden from the other side, "If it'd been just Komamura and someone else, we'd be fine 'spying'," he glared when Kira sat down next to him and started to open his mouth like he was going to say something, "which is what we're doing…"
"Yep…" Renji said, nonchalantly sitting as well.
"No problem saying that…" Matsumoto replied, instead taking a knee, prepared to spring back up and 'spy' some more at a moment's notice, handy-dandy camera in hand.
If possible, Hisagi scowled more, "What I'm saying is, SoiFong-Taichou will notice us if we poke our heads out," silence filled the area as his eyes narrowed, "And I don't think she'd be too kind to any 'onlookers' to whatever this is…"
"Hmm…" Renji scratched his chin, "You gotta point…"
"Hmm…" Kira crossed his arms and closed his eyes in thought, "Komamura-Taichou probably wouldn't think twice about it, but SoiFong-Taichou can be a bit paranoid…"
There was a deep sigh from the last member of their 'group' that had all eyes turning on her, "Fine…" Matsumoto said sounding oddly defeated. For a moment, just a tiny, miniscule, itsy-bitsy moment, the guys thought she was going to let them leave this place…
Thankfully, they knew better.
The buxom blonde drew her sword, "Growl, Heineko," and a mist of ash left her scabbard, leaving only the hilt in her hand. For an instant, the guys just stared at her, waiting for some kind of explanation, only to realize the blonde didn't seem to be paying attention to them and was instead putting the hilt of her sword to her ear…
"What the hell are you doing?" Hisagi looked at her queerly.
"Shh… I'm trying to get the right frequency…" Matsumoto stuck out her tongue in concentration as she made miniscule modifications to her reitsu.
Confused, the boys looked at each other, not one wanting to ask again what they hell the crazy woman was doing.
"Ah-ha!" everyone jumped as the woman quietly shouted some kind of success, the next instant had her pulling the hilt of her sword away from her ear, and setting it in the center of their little group, miniscule amounts of grey ash floating around the end, eventually gathering and forming a sphere, in fact it almost looked like a speaker…
"Is that what I think it is…?" Renji pointed, blinking as he was trying to comprehend what he was seeing.
"If you think it's something along the lines of a reitsu powered speaker that can pick up whatever I want to listen to from the myriad of particles of Heineko then yes, yes it is!" The woman was grinning ecstatically; the Cheshire cat had nothing on her.
The three men stared, awed by the might, power, and drive of female gossip…
"Wait, wait," Hisagi put two fingers to his head, "Let me get this straight, you can hear anything, anything at all, that a single particle of your sword picks up?"
The woman nodded enthusiastically.
The purple haired man just stared mortified, that kind of power… did NOT need to be in the hands of anyone, especially a woman, and ESPECIALLY Matsumoto, "I think I'm going to be sick…"
"Oh get over yourself," the blonde woman waved him off dismissively, "It's not like it's something I can do all the time, Heineko has to agree too…"
"It doesn't even make sense," Kira just stared at the floating orb of ash above the hilt, experimentally poking it.
Matsumoto slapped his hand, "It doesn't have to, so long as it works…"
The three males gave each other a look… then shrugged and unanimously decided to just roll with it…
"Hmm?" Kira raised a blonde brow.
"Hey, I think it's picking up something?" Renji reached out to poke the dusty orb too, only to be stopped by a glare from the female blonde.
"… Tr…st …re's… a… eas…n ou…"
"Hold on, it needs to be adjusted a bit," The buxom blonde reached down and began tweaking the base of her hilt, causing the static to grow and clear at seemingly random.
"…ss… So…ng… cho….Th… was… mething… I…."
"Damnit woman you're losing it!" surprisingly it was Hisagi who said that, arms still crossed over his chest and looking disgruntled.
The other two males shared a look, stared at him, then back at the orb.
"Working on it!" the blonde woman tweaked the 'speaker' some more, also ignoring the purple haired lieutenant's odd eagerness.
There was a sudden burst of reitsu, too quick to really be considered anything, perhaps a singular strike or threat; normally it would have been unnoticed…
But since it was coming from a captain level Shingami…
The four lieutenants froze, blinked, and had to try really hard to resist the urge to look over the bush, reminding themselves that SoiFong was one of those 'captains' after all…
"Was that…?" Renji blinked…
"Did they…?" Kira twitched…
Hisagi stared ahead; blinking for a moment, being the only one with semi-regular contact with one of the captains could recognize that burst of reitsu as Komamura's. He turned his gaze to the blonde female, also slightly still in shock at the idea of what may be happening, "Matsumoto, get that thing working now...!"
"Don't have to tell me twice!" and the woman was on it, frantic to know what the hell was going on between two of the 'quietest' captains, and letting her overacting and creative mind work itself out certainly wasn't helping…
"...ur ….oo… slow…"
"That sounded like SoiFong," Renji leaned in closer to the 'device', despite the static he could make out the slightly higher pitch in the voice.
"Ya think?" Matsumoto didn't even look up at the red head; she was still mostly concentrating on her sword.
"Okay, Komamura," Kira interjected, noticing it was getting clearer…
"What the hell are they talking about?" Hisagi ran a hand through his hair, this was bad, oh so bad, just a horrible, terrible, stupid idea… but he wanted to know!
There was another burst of reitsu, only this time from both the captains, their energy mingling as it spiked restlessly back and forth. The lieutenants froze, only to twitch completely as they could hear, within normal range of hearing; trees start breaking and the ground shake from some kind of impact.
"Are they fighting?" Renji's left eye twitched, he thought he was strong, he had a bankai after all, but the fact that they could feel these two doing whatever they were doing and they weren't even being serious yet… well…
After the momentary 'spat' there was another lull in… whatever the captains were doing. The 'device' was picking up normal breathing, since somehow Matsumoto had turned up the 'volume' on the thing, thinking it was too damn quiet, when really the two just weren't saying anything.
"Damnit, I want to know what they're doing!" the woman had her fists clinched at about chest level, shaking them; the action was somewhat hypnotic to the males sitting across from her.
"Wh…t I lack in….. make up for in… thing it seems you… as well…"
"Goddamnit! That is just vague enough to let my mind think of too many ideas!" the shaking of 'fists' again as the blonde was extremely frustrated.
"Ahem," Hisagi cleared his throat, looking away, "Maybe… you, uh, should try adjusting… again…"
"She can adjust again alright," Renji's perverted gaze was obvious; too bad it was followed by a smack to the back of his head, surprisingly thanks to Kira.
"…omamura… why did you…. Out here?"
To deter potential 'screwing up' of the 'adjusting' process, Matsumoto had shifted her frustrations to flexing her fingers, to certain red-haired-persons disappointment.
"That is getting rather irritating," Kira frowned, not that it made him look much different.
"I know…" Hisagi said, staring ahead with his arms still crossed.
The frown on the blonde male's face seemed to 'deepen' if you looked close enough, "I was talking about the static in the conversation…"
"I know…" was 69's only response, not moving a muscle.
"I wanted to f… you…"
There was another burst of reitsu from the dog, shortly followed by burning reitsu from the konoichi, followed by various sounds of environmental destruction that was trying hard to catch up with the swift captains' movements…
Not one bit of that registered to the quartet, as they were still hung up on what the dog-captain may or may not have just said…
"D-did he… just…?!" Renji, determined the most perverted simply because he was male, was staring slack jawed at the 'device', trying very hard to process what that missing word was, and trying very hard to not associated it with what his mind was trying desperately to put there…
"…" Matsumoto, also considered highly perverted, namely from her actions and attire, only really beat by Renji because he was male, just stared, jaw landing somewhere around ground level. She blinked, "Did he…" she pointed at her sword hilt, "No, there's no way… he just… straight up… said… said…"
"THAT," Kira seemed to burst, also wide-eyed and staring at the 'device', "T-t-to… to…"
"HER!" the three others turned in unison to see the stricken look that crossed 69's face. A hand made its way to cover his mouth, "I think I'm going to be sick…"
Kira patted the stricken man across the back.
Discreet camera is discreet.
After putting away the camera, Matsumoto slapped herself across the face, noticing the 'lull' had returned, "Okay guys, lets calm down and think about this rationally, there is no way," she waved her hands, "absolutely NO WAY Komamura-Taichou would openly say that to anyone," she blinked and swallowed hard, "Especially not to SoiFong-Taichou…"
All of them simultaneously made some hand gesture and prayed to whatever kami was above them that the woman in question didn't hear them…
… Unfortunately the highly tuned 'device' picked up the sound of clothes being removed…
Four left eyes simultaneously twitched.
"What are you doing?" there was something about the way her voice sounded that just wasn't right…
"T-that was SoiFong-Taichou, right?" Kira was absentmindedly pointing at the 'device' as three other heads just as absentmindedly nodded.
"Don't want to ruin them anymore than necessary…"
They twitched again…
"Does that mean they were…" a hand was placed over mouth to stop the train of thought…
"We can put them aside so as not to damage them further…" there was an odd… 'skip?' to the sound of the large dog-man's baritone all four behind the shrubbery could easily pick up, "Then we can really go all out…" then the tone just turned sharper…
Matsumoto gasped, "Oh my god, they're flirting!" something about this statement both highly disturbed her and sent the blackmail infested part of her mind into overdrive.
"Shh!" and she was simultaneously hushed by the three males across from her.
The continued sounds of material being removed set the quartet to twitching again…
"Why," Hisagi placed a hand over his face, "Why does she sound cute right there…?"
"That is kind of creepy," was Renji's response as he continued twitching…
"Seemed only fair…?"
"Oh that was so a smirk," Matsumoto huffed and crossed her arms under her well-endowed chest, her 'expert' ears picking up on the male nuances…
"I've seen you... f… before…"
"Oh goddamnit!" the woman of the group went straight back to adjusting her sword again, trying not to let that statement reach the inner recesses of her perverted mind.
"Wow," Kira blinked, "D-did he seriously just…" absently pointing at the 'device'.
"Yea, yea he did," Renji nodded, just staring… his mind gone wry with the possible ideas.
Hisagi held his head in his hand.
"Without your… ou're…el… more exposed... …. Only fair…"
Matsumoto placed her thumb and middle finger on her eyes and pressed really hard, "Images, stop…" she had work to do, like get this thing back to working right…
There was a long silence, none of the males wanting to say anything while the sole woman of their group tampered with her 'gossip' machine. They vaguely heard a gurgle of static and higher toned sound that seemed like SoiFong may have said something, but with the completely out of frequency level the 'device' was at they totally missed it.
"SHUT UP!" Matsumoto clinched her fists and was inches away from strangling her male cohorts; honestly it was like they'd never done this 'spying' thing before. She made one minor twitch with her wrist, not noticing as she was glaring at the guys daring them to say something, which was apparently the 'right' thing to do as the dialogue continued…
"What's with the wrapping…"
All attending audience dropped pretense and stared at the device as SoiFong voiced a very strange question.
"Komamura?" again with that 'odd' tone in her voice.
Various eyebrows rose.
"That's… well… it's somewhat personal…"
"Is she…?" Kira started, only to be 'shushed' by the group.
"Personal?" another odd tone in the woman's voice.
The group stared… unsure where this was going…
"I-I'm a male dog… so…"
Collective jaws dropped.
Matsumoto voicelessly mouthed, 'oh my god' as all their eyes were the sizes of dinner plates, a certain 'understanding' coming to the collective group…
With the ensuing silence, they could only wonder what the woman's response was…
"No need to stare…"
"Oh my god!" suddenly the woman of the group was in fangirlish-blackmail-mode, "She was talking about his junk!"
The three males collectively shuttered.
"Did not need the mental images," Renji placed a hand over his eyes.
"Hm," Kira shrugged, "Suppose that would make sense, being a dog and all…"
Hisagi just stared at the blonde man next to him…
"I wasn't staring…" the assertiveness in the woman's voice gave her away…
"Bullshit!" was the collective cry from the four lieutenants.
"Tell me… does that mean when you get hit in the stomach…?"
"Umm…?" Matsumoto wondered with a raised brow, "Where is this going…?"
"That's a good question…" Hisagi concurred.
"Y-yes, it hurts… a lot," it wasn't even a second later that the quartet heard a strange grunt, followed by something like a scuffle, then a weird sound that was slightly more feminine but sounding just as weird as the first, some rolling, sliding on the ground, contact, more grunting from both, something like a delighted 'heh' from SoiFong before…
Four brows rose simultaneously….
… followed by the sound of an immense force, rolling, skidding, and grunting from what they assumed was SoiFong before…
The increase in reitsu output from both captains would normally cause anyone within a hundred feet to cower in fear…
Unfortunately, those behind the shrubbery had different ideas…
It was eerily quiet for a moment…
"So they both just released their shikai," Renji said flatly, as the silence remained, "normally I would associate this with a fight, but with what I just heard…"
Half of Hisagi's face twitched, "'First Release'," was all he had to say, as he tried desperately to deny the snicker that was rising in his throat…
Kira flat out snickered…
Matsumoto snickered, but for an entirely different reason, "He 'released' before her…" soon Renji was also joining her snickering…
There was heavy breathing coming over the 'device' as the four tried to stop snickering at the images and scenarios running through their heads that would cause such a thing…
Matsumoto was the first to crack, "I'm sorry, I don't care how much of an innuendo it is, I would NOT scream out my shikai when I had an orgasm…"
Kira and Renji snickered while Hisagi tried, again desperately, to not snicker.
"M-maybe," Renji had to put his hand over his mouth to quite the snickers, "Since they're captains, and there was such a reitsu build up…"
Kira had to place both hands over his mouth…
"You can't be serious," Hisagi commented, again, trying to remain stone faced.
"Khekhekhe," Matsumoto hiss-giggled like a lecherous cat, "Since they build up so much power with foreplay, they HAD to release their swords to dissipate it?"
Kira was turning blue from the desperate need to breathe that unfortunately laughing behind his hands was not allowing…
Throughout the lieutenants' conversation they'd completely forgotten about the captains' dialogue they were 'spying' on, or 'eavesdropping' since that would be a more appropriate word, so they didn't notice the 'little' exchange, though the rough sounds of 'something' going on between the konoichi and dog captains did flit in and out of their ears. Trying desperately to get back to the 'task' at hand the three giggling tried to mirror Hisagi and try and retain some sense of silence, if only to listen to more 'kinky' happenings between the largest and smallest of captains…
"Oh my god, what the hell are they doing?" Matsumoto gasped at her sword hearing the grunts and obvious sounds of 'contact'.
"I dunno," Renji munched on the nearly forgotten mystery popcorn, "But it sounds hot…"
A lull seemed to find its way in, followed by semi-heavy breathing…
"That's two…" did SoiFong sound smug there?
"Three if you count this…" eyebrows raised, "And that's two for me…"
There was a moment that sounded like a smirk should be there before the two started 'going at it' again…
"Are they…?" Again, Matsumoto was absently pointing at her sword, shocked, completely and utterly shocked as she could only guess…
"Counting…?" Renji blinked, just as shocked, mind flying to all sorts of ideas...
"How many…?" was Hisagi finishing their collective thought as all three flared red in the cheeks…
Kira happily ate popcorn…
The quartet was quiet as they heard more grunting, heavy breathing, bodily contact, and not to mention felt the ground shaking and environmental damage being caused behind them. Then they felt SoiFong's reitsu flare differently and what sounded like full on bodily contact…
Freaked out, Matsumoto reached out and grabbed someone's hand, "Hold me, I'm scared…"
"Me too…" Was Renji as he just twitched, holding the blonde woman's hand. Who knew captains could be scary, like this…
"Five" That was definitely SoiFong, and she was definitely panting, sounding flustered even…
"Three," Komamura sounded less stressed but he was still breathing hard, "Four if you count the pin…"
"Kinky," Hisagi said flatly, and the rest just stared at him like he wasn't supposed to make comments.
There was something that sounded like something heavy and metal being removed…
"No sense w…ing them…"
"Oh my god, they're still wearing clothes?!" Matusmoto's eyes bugged out as her jaw slacked.
"What the hell is wrong with captains?!" Renji's left eye was twitching. They'd done… that much, clothed?!
Kira just stared, popcorn forgotten…
"Hot," was all Hisagi had to say on the matter…
What sounded like fabric was removed…
"It's only fair…"
"Oh the fanservice…" the blonde woman said under her breath, wishing she could pop over and snag a few pics of the two…
The three males remained eerily quiet.
There was the sound of something cutting fabric, being ripped, then removed and thrown to the ground…
"That wasn't necessary…" The konoichi sounded like she was scowling…
"A small concession…" the larger dog-man sounded like he was smirking, "so you didn't have to dis… yourself…"
"So hot…" again, Hisagi said flatly.
Kira and Renji could only nod dumbly as they held their noses…
"How's your ha…?"
Matsumoto blinked, "Did she just ask what I think she asked?"
"I don't know," Surprisingly, Hisagi seemed to be joining the conversation, even if he still sounded bored and spoke flatly, "But you better adjust that sword unless you want to keep guessing…"
The blonde woman nodded resolutely and started tweaking her sword.
"It must be all the reitsu they're releasing, keeps messing with the signal," Kira pondered, wanting to put some sanity into this completely insane situation.
"Seems to mess up pretty conveniently," Renji muttered while stuffing his face with popcorn.
"Decent… nowhere… as good as…anshi…"
"That sounded weird…" the blonde man said curiously.
"I don't mind…. Handi…"
Eyebrows rose higher…
"Are they going to…" Renji absentmindedly pointed at the 'device', jaw going slightly slack from the ideas…
"Komamura… can you use Tekken…. its….or…" the konoichi sounded curious, and perhaps something else…
Eyes blinked not sure what to think…
"How about you find out?" smug, the dog definitely sounded smug, and devious…
Kira's jaw was hanging on the ground.
Hisagi looked mortified.
"Kinky," was all Renji could say with a lecherous grin.
Matsumoto put a hand to her face, "I'm never looking at Komamura-Taichou's shikai the same again…"
There was silence, then more grunting, bodily contact, what sounded like hitting the ground hard, and back and forth with whatever the captains were doing. There was what may have sounded like some form of feminine groan they could only assume was from SoiFong, followed by some grunting and growling, assumedly from Komamura…
"H-hot…" Hisagi mumbled.
The others just absently nodded.
Silence. Followed quickly by what may or may not have been SoiFong screaming forcefully…
The ground shook.
"Holy hell…" Renji blinked unbelieving. If his mind was to be believed about what just happened, then…
"Ground-shattering orgasm…" Matsumoto was just staring at her device.
"Fuck…" surprisingly that came from Kira.
Hisagi just had his jaw hanging somewhere near the ground.
More grunting. Rolling. Bodily contact. Unmentionable sounds that left the mind to wonder. Maybe a touch or two of growling. Then SoiFong's reitsu flared and a second or two later so did Komamura's followed by what sounded like deforestation.
Eyes were wide and blinking owlishly.
"What is wrong with captains?!" The buxom blonde slipped out.
"I dunno…" Hisagi was just staring, "But that sounded hot…"
"Hmm…" Renji rubbed his chin sagely, "Maybe this is why captains don't get into relationships much?"
Three sets of eyebrows rose and stared at the red-head.
Sensing eyes on him, Renji blinked at his cohorts, "Ack!" he twitched as they glared at him, "Er… I mean, when was the last time anyone ever even heard of a captain going out with anyone, let alone sleeping with 'em?"
"Hmm…?" the other three pondered.
"He may have a point," Kira mused.
"Is that why Taichou hasn't made a move on me despite these?" Matsumoto shamelessly squeezed her girls together.
Renji was mesmerized.
Hisagi rolled his eyes, "Shotacon…"
Suddenly laughter came over the gossip-machine and all eyes glued back to it.
What sounded like light-hitting…
"Love-tap?" the red-head offered.
"They're still counting?" the buxom blonde blinked.
"…even as… el…"
"Fuck its going out again," Hisagi scratched his head; damn thing just couldn't stay focused.
While Renji and Kira sighed Matsumoto went about adjusting again.
"…ms …re tied…"
"Tied?" Hisagi still had his hand on his head and just looking at the device.
"Should I take that as I think I should?" Renji was staring.
Kira absently just nodded.
"Good question," one of them posed but no one was really paying attention.
"I…n't really know…"
"Gee, we only just had literal 'ground-breaking' sex, let's talk or something," Matsumoto said sarcastically, garnering a snicker or two from Kira and Renji.
"Tch… you still didn't mention what this was all for?"
"Does she really have to ask?" Hisagi just shook his head, really woman? Really?
"I said I wanted to f… you…"
Hands went up in the air as if to say 'SEE!'
"I give up!" the buxom blonde conceded to her imaginative mind and the oddly specific censorship of her screwy gossip-machine-sword.
"Why would you want to f… me?"
"Again, does she really have to ask?" the '69' tattooed man just crossed his arms in a huff.
"Let's see, hot, spunky, powerful, hot, scary, apparently kinky, hot…" Renji was counting off on his fingers.
Kira just nodded in agreement.
"I wanted to know if there was a difference…"
"Ooh?" brows rose and Matsumoto's blackmail-dar was pinging high.
"Difference of what?"
"Don't answer her!" the purple haired lieutenant shouted at the thing. The other three stared at him with raised brows, he coughed into his hand, "I mean…"
Matsumoto glared, "What?"
Renji and Kira thought it best to just sit quietly and eat popcorn.
"I f… your reigai… I wanted to know if th… was a difference…"
"Oh come on!" the purple haired lieutenant just threw his hands at the machine, "Why did you say something!"
The sole female of the group cracked her knuckles, and the other two males squirmed.
"I'm not sure how to take that…" Renji gulped, fingers twitching on the ground as both he and Kira remained out of the way of the buxom blonde's line of sight to Hisagi.
"Me neither…" the pale blonde male whined next to the red head.
"It was… raw… like now…"
"Wait," blackmail-dar was pinging which offset Matsumoto's sudden female need to maim Hisagi for saying something misogynistic, "is he saying he slept with that evil clone of her… and…" suddenly her jaw dropped as it suddenly hit her what she was saying. Pale eyes went wide as they turned on the machine, "Omigawd! He slept with SoiFong's Clone!"
"Took ya long enough," Hisagi grumbled while grabbing a handful of popcorn from the bowl Renji had in his lap.
Kira, on the other side of the sixth squad lieutenant simply nodded, munching on his own popcorn.
Said red-head looked down at the bowl in his lap with a frown, "Well I heard he did seem rather eager for 'no reason' to fight her," he shoveled popcorn in his mouth, "s'what Kenpachi-Taichou said, guy was pissed…"
"So there was no difference?"
"Oh she sounds pissed," Kira mumbled.
"Tch," Hisagi scratched his head, "This is why you don't tell her!"
Matsumoto glared and Renji just sighed, eating his popcorn.
Eyebrows rose all around.
"… at… between us had been quick… ending in both of us… ankai…"
"Did he say 'Bankai'?" the red-head stared at the mystical orb of female gossip flatly. The others just blinked, not sure how to interpret what they heard, tattooed eyebrows twitched as Renji pointed at the crazy thing, "He said 'Bankai'!"
"Holy crap…" the buxom blonde looked stricken as she stared at her own device, ideas flowing freely from the perverted side of her mind.
Hisagi was twitching with his mouth hung open…
"Sooo… Renji," Kira posed lightly over his grabbing of the popcorn bowl and turning slowly to look at the stricken man, "About… 'Bankai'?" the smirk was totally unnecessary…
"…it turned out we… at… chother with that one display… er…"
A purple brow rose on 69, "I'm starting to think your sword is screwing with us…"
"Ya think," Matusmoto joined him in flatly staring at the thing.
"… are you saying I don't compare since we didn't use… kai...?"
Hisagi's hand met face, women, always women…
Their sole female demented leader just sighed, crossing her arms under her assets, "That is really hard… having to compare to an evil clone version of yourself for the guy you want…"
Kira and Renji just raised brows looking at the buxom blonde; that sounded almost… sincere?
Sensing staring, one pale eye opened on the woman as she glared at the two, "What?"
"Nothing!" they shouted, going back to their popcorn.
Hisagi merely grunted, shaking his head at the whole affair.
"No, of course not…"
Eyebrows rose at the dog-man's response.
There was a grunt, "…I actually prefer just f…ing you, without the need for the excessive power of our combin… anka.."
Hisagi's hand met face.
Matsumoto was clinching and unclenching her fists.
Renji snorted, crossing his arms, "It can't be that much of a deal…" he stared forward thinking about his own bankai, mumbling, "Nothing kinky about 'Bankai'…"
The other three just stared at him blankly like he completely missed the point.
"SoiFong, I actually enjoyed f…ing you over your reigai…"
Pause for eerie silence.
"He just said that," Matsumoto said flatly.
"Yep," Hisagi munched popcorn.
"Idiot," was their demented leader's flat response as she calmed down enough to grab some popcorn.
There was a deep sigh as the konoichi-captain remained oddly silent.
"… when I f… her we completely des… this field, yet the only part of the con… I could slightly enjoy was the beg…ing where we were f…ing as you and I did…"
"He does realize that verbally comparing her to… uh, 'herself', isn't gonna get him any brownie points, right?" again flat commentary from the sole female in their spy group.
The guys just sighed and shook their head, all of them thinking one word: idiot.
"… I got a feeling as we f… similar to how we did, but it disappeared as… escalated… dire need to… her increased…"
Collective group sigh and many a hand met forehead.
"Why did… have to be… her?"
"Well at least she's talking again!" Hisagi threw up his hands, unable to full comprehend what the hell was running through his friend's mind. As a man, you never, NEVER! Revealed past relationships with a hot chick you just slept with.
There may or may not have been a minor glare for their sole female comrade.
"I needed to get past her to help the captain-commander…"
Insert eerie pause of silence.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" surprisingly it was Renji, who screamed throwing up the popcorn bowl and showering them with the popped confection.
Matsumoto and Hisagi were just staring with twitching eyes.
"Hmm," Kira was pondering, not even caring for the popcorn on his shoulder as he flicked it off absentmindedly, "I don't understand why he wouldn't just… 'fight'… her then?"
There was a snort from the queen of blackmail as a Cheshire grin spread on her lips, "Yea, since women obviously beat men in the sex game…"
Hisagi only dignified that with a glared.
"Why would you need to help him, I doubt the captain-commander couldn't handle himself."
Apparently Captain SoiFong seemed to share the group spying on them's opinion.
"True," they all mumbled in flat unison… spreading the popcorn around.
There was a distinct growl in the dog-captain's next words, almost like he was offended.
"That wasn't the point… I needed to help him because I respect him, if it wasn't for that man I wouldn't be a shinigami, I owe him everything."
"Anyone else notice there hasn't been a skip in the dialogue since they started talking about," the red head made a weird hand gesture as if to brush off the dialogue, "Whatever they're talking about?"
"Yea," the purple-haired '69' tattooed freak grumbled, "Almost like even the sword is bored at this point…"
"Yea, what happened to all the kinky suggestive dialogue?" the blonde woman crossed her arms under her hefty chest in a huff.
Kira just shrugged, in his opinion they shouldn't have been listening to any of this in the first place, now they were complaining it wasn't 'kinky' enough. He sighed deeply, "Idiots…"
There was a long silence, filled only with breathing and popcorn eating.
"Aaaaaand we're back to the silent treatment…" someone grumbled but everyone else just groaned.
"So you're the same…"
"Same as what?"
"I get the feeling we're missing a lot of this conversation since we can't 'see' them," Matsumoto quipped.
Renji just stared at her sidelong, "Do you REALLY want to see what they're doing?"
"And get caught?"
"Good point," and the blonde went back to popcorn like the rest.
"When I asked 'her' why she… said there was no reason… When I persisted she gave me that same look, like the thought of some… … someone… pushed her for..."
"I don't like where this conversation is going," surprisingly it was Kira that said that as he put the popcorn bowl that mysteriously was full again, down.
Three other sets of eyebrows were raised.
"So does that mean…?" Renji started.
"That she… actually… has…" Matsumoto was pointing at her gossip device, brow raised quite high in disbelief.
Hisagi just blinked, "… I guess someone has to."
"I wanted to f… you SoiFong because I wanted to know if what I saw was real… It was after I saw that… in her eyes that… us decided to… f… in one blow… although all it did was make us both fall, neither reaching who we were trying to get to…"
"I'm so confused at this point," hand met face as Matsumoto just shook her head.
"Tell me about it," Hiasgi was also scratching his head.
"So…" Renji cocked his head, "Was it like a pity-fuck or distraction-fuck, I'm confused?" he scratched the back of his head, "It kind of sounds like both of them were wanting to sleep with someone else?"
Kira was just rubbing the stupid out of his eyes.
Collective brows rose as it sounded like there was a shift as, presumably, the tiny konoichi cut him off with some motion. Then there were a few more conflicting sounds none of the listening party could quite make out aside from a grunt from Komamura. Then silence.
"Jakuhou Raikouban…" the tiny konoichi murmured out.
There was a sudden shift in the ground as MASSIVE amounts of reitsu was released from the small woman.
The lieutenants shuttered.
A second burst of MASSIVE amounts of reitsu was released from the dog-captain, followed by the formation of his MASSIVE puppet bankai.
The lieutenants were squirming at this point, without even trying they could easily see the head of Kokujou Tengenmyou-ou. They quickly turned away, not knowing if they dog-captain could see through its eyes.
"We're so screwed!" Kira whimpered.
"What the fuck is wrong with captains!" Matsumoto screamed.
Hisagi on the other hand looked stricken, having known the power output of Komamura's bankai but somehow this felt FAR more powerful than the time he'd seen it. The purple haired lieutenant turned to Renji, "Dude… Banaki… WHAT?!" he was too shocked to articulate right.
The red head had his hands over his head trying to hide, "Dude, I DON'T KNOW!" there was a whimper, "My bankai is nowhere NEAR the power of these two, hell I don't even think my CAPTAIN'S BANKAI is anywhere NEAR the sheer power of these two!"
Due to the SHEER amount of power the two captains were putting out with their exposed Bankai the only thing coming over Matusmoto's sword was a whirring scrambled mess. But seeing as it took them a good length of time between 'summoning' their ultimate swords and ACUTALLY USING THEM! That the group of lieutenants was left to wonder just 'what the hell' the captains were doing.
Then they finally 'fired' their Bankai… and the resulting blast effectively blew up the entire area, sending those behind the bush on their asses and Matsumoto's spying device of a sword blown away.
Ironically she just happened to be the first to regain 'sense' after that whole ordeal.
"WHAT. THE FUCK. IS WRONG WITH CAPTAINS!" Matsumoto screamed, "CAN'T THEY JUST HAVE SEX NORMALLY?!"
Everyone else around her was groaning and still out of it.
The blonde woman looked around at the three males, then in the environment and realized something quite disturbing. The bushes they had been using for 'cover' were gone; making it 'easy' for her to spot the huge-ass crater and environmental devastation the two captains had wrought with their 'encounter'. Then her eyes spotted something red and black and the amount of blushing on her face was enough to say it all.
The woman quickly hopped to her feet, grabbed the three semi-conscious idiots, her sword that had reformed in its normal sealed state, "That's it! We're outta here!" and ran off.
There were strange mumblings of 'fluffy' and 'pretty' from the boys but the woman completely ignored it, they had to get moving before either captain gained enough sentience to realize they were there and chase them… or worse…
Start all over again.
The tenth squad lieutenant shuttered at the thought, and picked up speed.
It was some time later that Matsumoto was drinking at the same bar she had originally picked the guys up from. They were sprawled out in the chairs around the table dazed and slightly unconscious, but this was a bar so everyone just figured they were drunk, especially after watching the tenth squad lieutenant punch back a few hefty drinks.
Hisagi was the first to stir, rubbing his head and groaning, "Did someone get the number on that truck?"
The blonde woman merely glanced at the man as he kept rubbing his head, she hadn't bothered to get them checked out at the fourth division, it would have been weird having to explain why the three of them were unconscious while she was still sober.
Renji was next, holding his head as he leaned forward from his lounging back in his chair, "Oh god, did we seriously watch that?"
Kira groaned next to Hisagi, "Define 'watched'," the pale blonde rubbed his eyes, "I distinctly recall voting out voyeurism to the safer eavesdropping…"
The big breasted woman snorted into her drink.
The three men looked at her, then around them and realized they were back at the bar…
"What the hell," Renji frowned, glaring at the mildly not-sober woman, looking at the empty glasses on the table he knew from experience it would take MUCH more than that to get her plastered.
The mug came down and those light eyes just glared flatly at the three men before her, "I think I deserve a 'thank you'," she hiccupped, "I just saved your asses from captains fornicating," another hiccup.
Three multi-colored brows rose as the blonde woman just went back to drinking.
Kira just sighed, grabbing one of the spare drinks and downing it.
Hisagi was scratching his head, looking miffed, "wouldn't even had known that about them if you hadn't dragged us into it…" also grabbing a drink and chugging.
Renji snorted at the glare the buxom blonde was sending purple haired lieutenants way, "I know right, who would have ever thought that about captains?" he went to grab his own drink-
"Wouldn't have known what?" when the terrifying voice of Byakuya Kuchiki cut through the air behind the red head.
The other three lieutenants just stared, twitching as the imposing form of the sixth squad captain loomed over Renji.
He gave something of a pathetic man squeal before turning slowly to look at the terrifyingly flat look his captain was giving him, "Uh… C-C-Captain?"
Those tedious eyes narrowed.
The whining continued as the tattooed man raised his hands, "I… uh… I can explain!"
Those regal eyes took a second to look at the cups in the other three lieutenants' hands then back to his own moron's hand holding one.
Renji followed his captain's gaze, landing on the mug in his hand. He set it down swiftly, "I can explain!"
Narrowing of infamous Kuchiki eyes.
Man-squeal, "IT WAS NOTHING! WE WERE JUST WAT-uh… TALKING ABOUT BANKAI!"
For some reason Byakuya would never ask his subordinate turned as red as his hair, but that was beneath him, "I see," he glared at the other three, watched them shake and turn equally red, before glaring back at his idiot second, "Very well, come, I will show you the proper use of Bankai." He completely ignored the involuntary whimper Renji released as he was quickly grabbed by the collar and dragged out of the establishment by his boss.
As he was leaving their sight the other three watched as Renji was reaching out for help, hoping beyond hope one of them would save him from his imminent doom!
Hisagi stared flatly, Kira hung his head and looked away, and Matsumoto waved 'goodbye' with her free hand as she continued drinking with the other.
There may or may not have been a yell of 'TRAITORS!'.
Hisagi snickered, "Serves him right," the other two just nodded.
"Issat so?" all three lieutenants tried very hard to not spit out their drinks violently as Kenpachi came over grinning at them like a lunatic, "You pansies think its stupid that brat learns how to do his Bankai right when you guys can't even do it?"
The three of them tried very hard not to mention this specific captain couldn't either.
Kenpachi was just grinning like a shark as he grabbed both Hisagi and Kira by the cuffs of their collars, "C'mon, Unohana's gonna be givin' me a demonstration of her Bankai, you're comin' to learn something…"
Kira was crying as he was being dragged out while Hisagi was fighting with all his might, screaming 'BUT I ALREADY KNOW WHAT CAPTAINS DO WITH THEIR BANKAI!'
Again, Matsumoto was left just waving them 'bye' as she finished off that glass. She set the glass down and just sat back in her chair with a sigh closing her eyes. She was peaceful for a second before turning to the side and spotting her captain, she gave a small grin, "Hey~ Taichou~!"
He frowned at her with a tight glare, "Why did I know you'd be here?"
She only kept grinning as a response, "Want some?" she held up a sake bottle, offering it to the mini-captain.
He simply scoffed; looking out the door the other lieutenants had been dragged out, "What was that all about?"
"Hm?" she quirked a blonde brow, glancing at the door then back at him, "Oh nothing, special training or something~" the way she said it was all too cheery and Hitsugaya wondered why that was… then he realized with Matsumoto, it was probably safer to just not ask.
The mini white haired captain crossed his arms, sighing, "Alright," he looked at his lieutenant, "Since everyone else seems to think it matters," the frown on his face increased, "I guess I should teach you how to achieve Bankai too…" there may have been a growl, "even I shudder to think what you'd do with it…"
Surprisingly Matsumoto just stared at him with surprised eyes. She looked at him, the bottle in her hand, back at him, the bottle, and several more cycles before she tossed that sucker, hitting some random person in the bar, and stood up all too face with the creepiest grin on her face, "YES~!"
Suffice it to say Hitsugaya's eyebrow was twitching.
"No time like the present!" the taller blonde woman grabbed the boy-looking captain's hand and dragged him out of the bar, "let's go!"
Teal eyes were twitching as only one thought crossed Hitsugaya's mind –What have I gotten myself into?-
As Matsumoto was dragging her captain across Seireitei she completely missed the hulking form of Komamura walking the other way, clothes torn to pieces and shirtless while having a sleeping SoiFong on his back wrapped in his Haori as he carried hers in his other hand. The large Dog-captain managed to catch a glimpse as the poor boy-captain was being dragged the other way by his lieutenant, a distinct look of 'Help me!' on his face. Komamura just blinked, too surprised to do anything.
Gold eyes just blinked as the dust settled, "That was… strange?"
"Koma…?" the konoichi on his back mumbled in half sleep.
The dog man just grinned looking at her on his shoulder, "It's nothing SoiFong, go back to sleep," he smiled when she mumbled something else incoherent and just nuzzled further into his bare fuzzy back.
And with that the large furry captain just went back to what he was doing, some down time with the woman after such a fight would certainly be an enjoyable activity. His tail wagged as he walked, his ears picking up the sounds of Bankai going off in the distance and he didn't need to search out the reitsu to quite tell who was doing what, he just smirked, "Nice to see everyone enjoying themselves…"
SoiFong just mumbled, nuzzling further under his haori and into his fur.
A/N: you ALL know you've thought about Bankai-second release like that, admit it!
so aside from the obvious references to 'The Difference' this also has a lot of allusions to some of my older KomaSoi fluff and my one particularily BRILLIANT crack about SoiFong's bad day... namely the crew from the 'Bush of No Return' from that, namely the foursome of Matsumoto, Hisagi, Kira and Renji... they make excellent straight men -snickers-
discreet self-endorsement is discreet XD
and yea, the beginning had 'some' semblance of sense... then quickly devolves as only Bleach can... but there's been a significant time between me starting this and actually finishing it, so it might be a bit wonky, but its the humor in it that i love :3
in some ways this 'could' stand on its own... but i think i'll leave it here for now X3
comments, questions, opposing views? (reviews :3)
Till next -salute-waves- Sayounara, Mina!