A/N: If I owned Death Note, I wouldn't be sitting in a dark room writing fanfiction about it. This fic is rated T for language. I've tried not to be too offensive and/or obnoxious, but it's quite possible that I come across as a right cocky bitch (oxymoron?) in this. If so, I am sorry. I know there have been fanficion guides written before, but this is my version. This fic is satire-PLEASE do not take it seriously. On with the show!

"All I know is EVERYBODY LOVES ME!"-OneRepublic

Click on the Death Note section of . Look down. Back up. What do you see?

No, not the yaoi.

Yep. OCs. Lots and lots of OCs.

I can't help noticing how badly-written the minority of OCs are. Yes, it's a minority, but it's still enough to drive a fangirl crazy. If your OC is average-looking, unremarkable and moral, then you're doing it wrong. Pay close attention to this tutorial and I'll show you how to write compelling, realistic, tragic OCs that'll get the reviews rolling in faster than you can say "Mary Sue".

Step 1: Keeping Up Appearances

The physical aspect of your OC is vital. I cannot stress how important this is; what captivates an audience better than your character's mesmerising limpid eyes, shining with the pain of her tortured past? Or her lustrous raven hair, gleaming with otherworldly energy? Or her gravity-defying bust, bouncing hypnotically with her every movement?

In order to totally enthral your audience, you need to present this information appropriately. It's no good steadily drip-feeding adjectives in bite-sized chunks, because the reader will just forget all the important information. It's much better to get the story's ball rolling by creating a profile of your OC in the first paragraph. This will give a nice, smooth rhythm to your description and won't disrupt the prose's flow at all.

Crap, I almost forgot! As you are creating your OC, be sure to include a full description of her attire. This can't just be any old clothing; think Misa Amane, but sluttier. We readers don't want to see plain old jeans and t-shirts. No, we want corsets and spiked leather boots and skirts that look more like belts and more makeup than Bozo the Clown. This is because we want to degrade ourselves by dressing like prostitutes, but we're just too shy/awkward/scared/dignified to do so. By making a slutty OC, you are helping us live out our dreams of being trollops from the comfort of our bedrooms! This part of your character is vital to the storyline, so spend at least two paragraphs talking about it.

Step 2: "Proper Names Are Like Poetry In The Raw."

Just like everyone else, your OC is Unique. They have their own way of doing things and won't let anybody get in their way, even if that person is much older and wiser than they are. So how do you reflect this in your character? Simple! They need a name which makes them STAND OUT! Here's one I made earlier:

Trinity Ravenwing Ophelia Lapis Lazuli

Like all good OC names, this has meaning. It is dripping with symbolism. Allow me to explain. "Trinity" represents her connection to God. Even though she acts like a whore, her soul is pure and good.

"Ravenwing" represents her supernatural and mysterious side. What is more alluring than a bird which has been watching over the bloodstained, haunted grounds of the Tower of London for hundreds of years, probably feeding off the leaking brains of beheaded traitors? Nothing.

On to my next point. Ophelia was a character from a play by some guy called Shake Spear. His plays are favoured among high-class people, so this part of her name shows her vast intelligence and refined tastes. Can't you just picture her in the front row of Romano and Juliet?

Lastly, we have the final component of her name, Lapis Lazuli. This is a kind of gemstone, which shows how valuable she is—very useful if she were ever held hostage, which she probably will be at some point.

Step 3: It's a Hard Life

Speaking of hostage situations, it's not impossible that your OC has been kidnapped at some point in her life, or will be in the future. See, by being a beautiful, lovable genius who can charm anyone she meets, your character has somehow made herself a magnet for all kinds of tragedy and misfortune. Neglect, bereavement, rape, discrimination, attempted murder, period pain—you name it, she's lived through it. Not only has she survived her tragic past, but it has also made her a better person. Don't bother researching the actual psychological effects of violence, rape and abuse—they won't fit the story you want to write. And don't worry about offending people who have actually suffered this. Of course your imagination will fill you in on the psychological aftermath of such atrocities—you're a writer, after all.

Make sure you constantly remind your audience of your OC's past battles, because we love hearing about the suffering of an imaginary character and don't feel it trivialises real issues at all. Moreover, the backstory can be used as an excuse for pretty much anything. If the character had a violent childhood, they could probably get away with murder. This happens in UK courts surprisingly often.* Just make sure the OC has someone in authority on their side, like Soichiro or Watari or, I don't know, L maybe?

*No kidding, it actually does. I have noticed that, depending on the judge, some criminals get sympathy and a shorter jail term if they had a rough childhood, though this usually applies to lesser crimes like shoplifting. Even so, it's part of the reason the UK is so fucked up.

Step 4: Bringing Sexy Back

So, you have the mental image of your OC all worked out. Only one thing is missing: canon characters, the reason this crap was posted in the Death Note section. Step 4 focuses on her story, and more importantly, the romance. This is, after all, what the readers came for.

It is important to note that canon is not written in stone. As a fan, it is your right to bend the plot and characters to your will, even if you don't own them. Besides, this is your story. If a particular plot point or character's trait doesn't fit your needs, change it! Other fans won't mind—it's not up to them to dictate the way you write.

While it is important to include canon characters, they don't have to be the main focus of your story; that's what your OC is for. So, what are canon characters good for? Being sex objects, of course!

Getting to this level of intimacy with a character usually involves joining the Task Force (or, occasionally, Wammy's House). Don't worry about your character having no qualifications and policing experience, a quick display of her genius and/or breasts will convince L that she's worthy of a place on the team, and he'll have her replace Aizawa because nobody liked him anyway.

This is where things start to develop. L is the most common choice for a love interest, because his social awkwardness, insensitivity and bad personal hygiene make him the perfect boyfriend. Greasy hair is so sexy. OMNOMNOMNOM. It's also likely that he'll have to abandon the Kira case to tend to your OC's every whim—fuck saving the world.

Alternatively, you may wish to have your OC solve the case all by herself, since L is too infatuated to stop staring into her mesmerising eyes long enough to get off his arse and find some damn clues. Again, this won't infuriate other Death Note fans. They're all secretly imagining themselves in your OC's shoes. Just make sure L gets all the credit for solving the case, then you can add 'under appreciation' to the list of injustices suffered by your character.

However, if you do choose to have your OC solve the case, do not let her get pig-headed about it. Modesty is one of her many virtues, so have her shrug it off with a simpering smile and doe eyes. If they hadn't already fallen under her spell, the Task Force will be drooling over her. So will Matt and Mello, for some reason.

So, there you have it—the complete guide to writing your very own Death Note OC. It works every time—I guarantee it.

NEXT EPISODE: I Will Go Down With This Ship—a comprehensive guide to pairing up your favourite Death Note characters! See you then!

*cheesy music plays*

A/N: Again, I've tried not to be too inflammatory here, but I've probably failed. *uses Matsuda as flame sheild* If you have something you want mocked in this fic, please do not hesitate to tell me, I'm always open to ideas. I have a list of stuff I want to cover, so more will be coming soon. Stay tuned!


PS: Song quote at the start is from "Everybody Loves Me" by OneRepublic, which is a fantastic song. Quote at the start of Step 2 is by W.H Auden.