Stump Sex AKA A Bawdy Halloween Tale

"This is a bawdy tale. Herein you will find gratuitous shagging, murder, spanking, maiming, treason, and heretofore unexplored heights of vulgarity and profanity, as well as non-traditional grammar, split infinitives, and the odd wank."
Christopher Moore, Fool (I always wanted to use this quote on something LOL)

For you JJ, you have to be an imp LOL.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

AN: Sorry, too excited to get this out today to wait on a Beta. Forgive me for any errors and just giggle along with me.

"Edward, are you ready yet!" I called up the stairs.

The party was starting in an hour. Alice's yearly Halloween parties had become a town extravaganza. Well for the adults of our age group it had. Her parties were a no kids allowed, adult free for all. Last year Alice had hosted the party as a large Vagina. Life size pink lips and her head poking out where her clitoris should be. Jasper was a large hot pink phallus shaped sex toy. He even vibrated. It was traumatizing in a way.

I had nightmares of them greeting me at the door weeks afterward. In my nightmares Alice held a ruler and was holding 'classes' for all the guys at the party and wanted me to spread them and be her display model. I shivered at the thought. I think the crazy dreams came from the party favors Alice handed out as everyone left for the night. The guys got a book called "Road Map to the Clitoris" and the ladies got the old favorite "How to Tickle his Pickle". Needless to say that year was a hit and I think she is still getting occasional thank you notes from the ladies that attended last year.

This year's theme was Pirates. I refused to wear the costume Alice had ordered for me. It was a female pirate wench. Why go for the subservient wench, I wanted to be the first mate. So I was going as Smee. Yes, that old rotund partner of Captain Hook. Except I planned to be a much sexier version of Smee.

Bob Hoskins made a wonderful Smee but I liked the more colorful Disney Smee so I planned my costume around that charter version. I had a white and blue striped shirt but unlike the Disney character it was fitted, low cut, and showed my girls at their best. The dark blue shorts were so short that they could almost be called cheekies, and had paired those with thigh high crushed velvet spike heel boots. If I had my way my Hook would be bending Smee over the rail before the night was old.

Edward had agreed to be Hook. It worked out well since I always had had a crush on the Captain. Maybe it was the crushed velvet of the suit, maybe it was the ruffles, and that feather just made for teasing. But the sexist thing of all on the Captain was his oh so sexy stump. Oh the things I could do with that stump.

I heard Edward coming down the stairs and pulled my naughty mind from lusting over the captains' large stump. I gazed lovingly up at my husband of six years. He was in the Captains red velvet suit with the ruffled neck. The large feathered hat was perched atop his wigged head. The tight britches of the costume left nothing to the imagination and the over the knee pirate boots made we wet with every step he took toward me. He so rocked that costume.

Oh he knew the effect this costume would have on me. His jade green eyes twinkled with mirth as he took the last step and one handedly pulled me into his arms. He knew my Captain Hook fantasy's and looked like he was going to taunt me with them all night. I know by the end of the night he will have me climaxing with just a brush of that wicked feather in his cap.

There was something off in that twinkle though it was paired with his trademark smirk so I knew something was up. Also his right hand was still behind his back. Surprise maybe? Oh, I love it when he surprises me. I usually limp the next morning from his more vigorous surprises. Gimme. I smiled up at him and gave him my most lecherous grin.

"Spill it, Hook."

"Spill what?"

"You have your sneaky smirk on. So that means you and Jasper are up to something. So spill"

"Well Jasper did help me plan my costume."

"Oh God, it doesn't light up and vibrate or anything like that does it?" I asked nervously. Jasper was a technical genius. As a kid nothing was safe from him. He borrowed my old electronic games and used them to make fighting robots. Nothing with circuits was safe from Jasper. Adulthood hadn't changed him. He just channeled his inquisitive mind into his software company. How else could his wife, Alice afford her shoe habit and over the top Halloween parties?

"Should I run now?" I asked warily bracing myself to do just that.

"No, I think you might like this." he said bringing his hidden arm forward. I gasped. What should have been a hook was now a dream of a vibrator. Wow, Jasper had outdone his self this time.

He grinned and flicked a button. A soft hum filled the room and I was entranced at the movement of the toy. Inner beads twirled in the machine and the head rotated. I drooled at the contraption. It was missing something. "Where is the rabbit?"

"Rabbit?" he asked and licked his lips. "I got your rabbit right here."

"Ah, care to show me how it works?" I giggled in anticipation.

"Arrrgh, Ye be a saucy wench, strip and prepare to be boarded," Edward said in his best Captain Jack Sparrow voice.

Many hours later….

Jasper opened the door at our ring. It really was a wonder he heard us from all the noise inside. He must have been waiting near the door. Knowing him he wanted a play by play on how his latest invention worked. I blushed at the thought. By my week knees I could testify that it and the "rabbit" worked well.

He grinned at us and opened the door wider to let us step through only to stop at the last minute and ask, "You did clean that, didn't you?"

AN: For all you fans of the Dark Dance, I am battling a bitchin case of writers block this week. That is why I wrote this to try and kick me into writing mode. I just need to slap myself with the old riding crop a couple of times and get back to the real work. LOL

For an interesting if S&M scary version of Captain Hook read Paislyrose's Hook Line and Sink Her. Send me a note if you do, I would love to know what you thought of it.